Have you ever had one of those moments when you're awake but not? When it's like you're literally sleepwalking through your life, just going through the motions and not feeling anything? I was tired of it. I hated living like this. I'd been numb long enough. That was what caused this whole issue, wasn't it? Trying to be numb? Wasn't that why Robin'd gone to heroin in the first place? Wasn't that why I was too drunk to talk her out of it and tell her how dangerous it was? I didn't want to be numb anymore. I'd used to think that emotions could be the devil. How could so much pain and suffering be any good to anyone? Pain was just pain whether it was emotional or physical. What do you do when you break an arm? You take a potion away to make the pain stop. With that mentality it wasn't hard for me to transpose that idea to emotional pain. If your heart hurts then take a shot of Firewhiskey or a magic white pill to make the pain stop. It seemed simple enough. Pain was bad and numb was better. It wasn't until I realized how truly fragile life is that I realized otherwise. Other than a beating heart, emotions were one of the only things that truly separate the living from the dead. When I die I know that I won't feel happiness or sadness or anger again. Humans only have such a short period of time on this earth so why should I start acting like I was dead before I really was?

On the inside I was alive but on the outside... I acted like the walking dead. It was isolating to say the least. It was like everyone assumed that if they got too close to me that they'd turn into a zombie too. I just didn't know how to act, how to react. I'd spent nearly my whole life being one person with one personality. I was Cherry Clark, bad ass extraordinaire. All of a sudden I couldn't be that person anymore. My desire to rebel practically melted away within minutes of finding Robin in that cupboard. My lifestyle was over. I'd never drink or smoke or pop pills again. I'd hadn't realized how much that'd defined who I was. Now I felt like I was in some sort of limbo. It was like looking at myself and telling myself that I had to change but not knowing how or what to. I'd been this one specific type of person so long that any other possibility just seemed foreign and I was in over my head.

How to people move on when they lose a loved one? I still couldn't understand why the sun was still shining, the birds were still singing and everyone else just seemed to go on with their lives. How could the world just not care? It was like the world was still revolving but I was stuck in a standstill. I couldn't make myself go on, no matter how much I wanted to. I wanted to keep living but I didn't know how to anymore. The life I knew I knew how to lead was over, dead. Where was I supposed to go from there? How was I supposed to get there? For all of my spiels about how independent I was I'd never really had to go anything alone. I'd always had Robin since my first day. She and I had been glued to each others' hips since our very first train ride to Hogwarts. Now I was alone. I'd thought I'd had Sirius for a short time but since I got discharged from the Hospital Wing he practically vanished. I'd supposed he just assumed that he'd done his part and I guess I couldn't blame him. After what happened with me and Marren I was sure he hated me anyways.

How did I get here? How did I get to a point in my life where I'd really only had one real friend? Now she was gone and I felt like an island in the middle of the ocean who'd stupidly burnt all the other bridges in its youth. How could I have been this stupid? Why did I alienate everyone? Why did I pick the wrong mates? I had so many questions but it was like I was never going to ever have any answers. I suppose it didn't really matter why I'd done things in the past. The past was gone, my mistakes were done and I would just have to find out a way to move on instead of just kicking myself for things I should have done. It wouldn't change anything.

Robin's funeral was going to be in a few days. Her parents had never really liked me but they invited me all the same. Robin was like me, she didn't have many friends and she had estranged relationships with her family. There wouldn't be many people at the funeral and if there were then most of them probably would only be there as a custom practice, spewing out non-heartfelt condolences to the grieving family. I didn't want to go. Her parents had always thought I was the devil and I was dragging Robin down to hell with me. They might have invited me but I knew that deep down they really didn't want me to go and I couldn't blame them. They'd never come to terms with Robin and who she'd turned out to be. The shock of her death was bound to lead them to pointing fingers at me for her "corruption" and eventual death. I didn't want to subject myself to that sort of blind hate by going to a funeral I wasn't really wanted at.

Merlin, Robin would have never forgiven me for this. She wouldn't have been bothered by the fact that I didn't attend her funeral. She hated spending time with her family and she'd have never wanted me to be subjected to that sort of torture. She would never have forgiven me for all this moping about though. That was one of the many things I loved about the girl. She never let life get in her way. If she saw a mountain then she would climb it without any hesitation. It was like she was born without fear and she'd never bothered to learn how to be afraid. I'd been pretending to be fearless for years but it was Robin who had the nerve between the two of us. She'd be ashamed to see me living like this. She'd always told me that life was for the living and to leave death to the dead. I suppose that was easy for her to say considering she'd never been to a funeral a day in her life and never had someone she cared about die. It's easy to have beliefs when they go unchallenged.

I knew how Robin would react if she'd been in my position. She'd have thrown a party to honor the dead and celebrate life. How would my mother have reacted? Well, if I made the huge assumption that my mother was capable of emotions, then I would have to say she'd probably soldier on. She'd go to the funeral, do her duty to the dead and keep that grief bottled up and buried. My father would have probably drank himself silly but since I was swearing off my old lifestyle it didn't seem befitting to get smashed when I needed to sober up. I wasn't going to "do my duty" like my mother and I wasn't going to party it up like Robin so I suppose I would have to make some sort of compromise. I'd have to keep living like Robin would want me to, just not in the same impulsive, extravagant lifestyle, and I'd temper it with my mother's sense of perseverance, but I wasn't going to the funeral and I wasn't going to bottle up any guilt.

It was easy to say what I was going to do but it was harder to actually do it. I needed a sign, something to point me in the right direction. Anything to just give me a starting point. I'd never exactly been a woman with direction and I was going to need some assistance to help my feet to start trudging in the right direction.

It was right around the time I decided I was in need of some sort of sign from the universe that I rolled onto my side. There was the faint sound of parchment crunching on the bed underneath me. I hadn't taken parchment to bed in months. It wasn't like I'd been staying up all night doing Transfiguration homework or whatever. Curiosity got the best of me and I pulled the parchment from underneath me, unsure about what I would find. I didn't recognize the handwriting so I inquisitively began to read it.

Cherry,

I'm truly sorry for the loss of your friend. I would have told you to your face, but I wasn't sure how you'd take to that, considering everything that's gone on between us.

But I wanted you to know, I've known Sirius a long time, and I've never seen him as scared as when James explained that you were catatonic in the hospital wing. I don't know how you feel about him, but it's obvious to me that he cares about you a great deal, and a great deal more than he ever could have cared about me. I hope the pair of you can work something out.

As things stand at the moment, I miss the old Cherry a bit. Okay, a lot. You see, I've found myself in a situation where I need to discuss a sensitive topic, and not only are you the only person who could understand, but you're the only one I want to talk to.

I'm not sure the kinds of things that slime ball told you before Sirius rearranged his face, but none of them are true, and I can guess. You didn't have it coming. None of what happened yesterday was your fault. You are a beautiful, confident, vibrant person, and I have to confess that you're everything I wanted to be but was too afraid to emulate.

I'll never be you, Cherry, and losing Sirius was a painful reminder of that truth. But you're needed, and not just by me. Sirius needs you more than you could imagine.

I suppose I'm probably the last person on earth you want to talk to now (maybe behind Lily, Professor McGonagall, and, hopefully, Young), but I'd like to talk to you, when you feel up to it. Just know that if there's anything I can do for you, let me know.

Please get better.

-Ali

I could feel myself smiling. I'd forgotten I even knew how to smile. My cheeks actually hurt from using muscles I hadn't used in such a long time. Oh Marren. She was just so... genuinely innocent and sincere. How had I really duped myself into hating her? I mean, the whole Sirius thing ended badly between us but it wasn't really her fault. I'd really known from the beginning how this was going to end. I'd just hadn't planned on having such strong feelings for him. I mean, at the beginning it was just something to do. I had never expected for me to get too involved. It was her fault, it was just my miscalculation.

What could she have needed to talk to me about? She and I hadn't been friendly for the longest time. Why would she need to talk to me instead of the Ginger Menace or McKinnon or that angry Hufflepuff girl? Well, I suppose there was only one way to find out.

For the first time in what felt like forever I managed to pull myself out of bed without the instant desire to crawl back under the covers again. Maybe this was really a start to something. It wasn't like I could be picky anyways. I'd asked for a sign, hadn't I? Well this was definitely a sign if I'd ever seen one. I wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth, whether it was a Hufflepuff or not. She seemed happy after all. Maybe Puffs had a better grasp in this whole happiness thing. Or at least they had a better grasp on it than I did but I suppose that wasn't saying much, especially since my happiness generally came at the bottom of a bottle.

Where would that Poof be anyways? I didn't know the password for the Hufflepuff Common Room so it wasn't like I was going to be able to track her down there. I also didn't know her class schedule so I couldn't stalk the corridors until her class got out and classes were already out for the day. If I were Marren where would I spend my free time? The answer was so obvious that it was almost blinding. The library, of course. She spent more time there than most Ravenclaws, but then again Ravenclaws are more naturally cunning and therefore don't need to study as much. I hated the library instinctively but I supposed that if I was going to turn over a new leaf that it'd be befitting that it happened in the place that the old me used to despise.

My feet began to practically work on their own, needing no directions for me to make them start heading towards the dusty old library. Sometimes I felt like it was a tomb for books. I mean, the only people who really went there were Marren and other few intellectuals but most of the people who spent their time in there were only there because all the broom cupboards were full. Surprisingly enough the library was the only place I hadn't gone to regularly for a snog. In fact, Sirius was the only person I'd ever kissed in there.

Memories of Sirius were always hard to swallow. Even my happiest memories of him always came with a side of melancholy. I mean, it was just a remainder of things that were never going to happen again. I'd burned that bridge along with the others. But maybe… Maybe if I started by repairing this bridge with Marren then maybe eventually I could start mending other bridges. I suppose I had to start somewhere.

I was a bit surprised to find Marren alone in the library. She was usually always surrounded by people. After what Young did to me it just seemed like everyone had closed ranks, especially around someone who was perceived as weak as she was. I guess the library was considered safe enough that she didn't need an escort.

"Wotcher Marren," I greeted her as I took a seat across from her at her table. She looked up at me, surprised. I was surprised too. I'd hadn't used my voice in a while but I hadn't expected it to be so gruff and husky. I sounded actually quite masculine.

"Cherry," she countered with a small, shocked nod. "I – I didn't expect you to – I left the note yesterday and you hadn't said anything. I thought you just tossed it."

I shook my head, "I just got it today. I'd have gotten it sooner but erm – I was in the Hospital Wing for the night. I took a bit of a fall down some stairs." I'd forgotten how exhausting just having a conversation was.

"I hadn't heard about that. Were you hurt pretty bad?" she inquired, sincerity obvious in every inch of her. I'd forgotten how just naturally genuine she was.

I shook my head again with a grimace-like smile, "No. They saw it as a suicide attempt rather than a moment of clumsiness. They just kept me overnight to keep me under surveillance or some other bullocks."

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, "Erm – Are you? I mean, are you suicidal?"

I couldn't help but let out a small chuckle, "No. Just the opposite actually. Since everything happened life just seems more precious now. There's so much stuff Robin never got to do so now it's my job to do it for the both of us." I coughed uncomfortably, realizing that I'd probably shared more than I should have. "Anyways, enough about me. What did you want to want to talk me about?"

She paused for a moment, seeming to mull it over before answering, "You know what? It can wait. It's not that important?"

"Are you sure?" I inquired dubiously. "It doesn't have something to do with a certain Gryffindor Prefect, does it?"

She immediately turned right red and a goofy smile erupted onto her face at the mention of her Gryffindor lover, "Maybe." Maybe, huh? I'd take that look as a definite yes.

"So what's life like being Remus Lupin's girlfriend?" I was surprised but I found myself having missed gossip. Maybe not the same kind of gossip that most girls at Hogwarts liked to share (honestly, who would believe that I was in the Hospital Wing due to injuries inflicted while having a orgy with various professors?) but I felt like I'd been out of the loop for so long. That was a definite disadvantage for suddenly trying to rejoin the world after so long. There was so much I'd missed that it was going to take twice as much energy to catch up on the past and keep up with the present. Maybe I needed a nap before I undertook this all. My body just wasn't the way it used to be and I was getting tired so much faster now.

Her goofy smile melted into a grin, "It's good. It's so much more natural than being with Sirius. I just don't feel as awkward with him. Who would have known I'd been dating the wrong Marauder?"

"I did," I admitted. "Well, I figured that out once I started paying attention. Before you came to me with your brilliant plan I didn't think twice about it. I suppose there's an advantage to be outside of a situation and looking in. You get better perspective that way. Anyways, as soon as I started paying attention I had a feeling that you'd probably be a better match with one of the others. I didn't necessarily think I'd find you jumping to a new Marauder but I'm glad you're happy."

She got almost a sly look on her face. Since when did she have the ability to look so... mischievous? "So, speaking about the Marauders, have you talked to Sirius lately?"

I should have seen this coming. I should have known that Sirius and I would have been brought into the conversation. I don't know why I let myself be blindsided by it. Apparently I was more rusty with my conversation and social skills than I'd thought. "I haven't spoken to him since the first time I was in the Hospital Wing."

"But - But why?" She looked almost like a five year old that just couldn't seem to the logic in something. Her eyes were wide and curious while looking attentive and anxious for my answer. So this was why I'd found her so endearing. Sometimes it felt like speaking to a small child.

I shrugged uncomfortably, not enjoying all the emotions being kicked up at the mention of Sirius. I'd only been able to think his name and the ability to speak it or really think about him was still seemingly far away. "I don't think he wants to talk to me. I suppose I can't blame him. He did kind of get let high and dry when everything went down after the party. He's been avoiding me since I got released from the Hospital Wing so I just decided to leave him alone."

"Are you stupid?" she demanded. I couldn't help but let out an uncontrollable fit of laughter, nearly falling out of my seat. She didn't seem to see the same humor I saw. "What? What's so funny?" she inquired.

"I just help but think about when we first met," I told her, my eyes tearing up from all my laughter. "Merlin, you nearly pissed your pants just talking to me. Now look at you. You've actually grown yourself a backbone. I'm impressed."

A proud grin managed to dance its way across her lips, "You're right. I never would have talked to you like this. What happened?"

"Your ego deflated once you got out a loveless relationship where you kept getting cheated on and I got more grounded at the loss of my best friend," I replied bluntly with a shrug. "Kind of sad, isn't it? How much it took to get us here? Merlin, it feels like its been years since you came to me. It makes me feel so old."

She gave me an almost sympathetic look. Well that one was new. I wasn't used to getting those kinds of looks from here. She reached across the table and squeezed my hand supportively. Yeah, either she'd really gone a spine or she had replaced by some sort of lookalike because this was not the girl I remembered. "Why don't you come with me to dinner?" she suggested. "You look like you haven't eaten in days and it'll be good with you to socialize with the world again."

Hey, look at that. I was right. She really was turning out to be the sign pointing me towards rejoining the world. "You know, I think you might just be right."