Lily Evans could make me attend class and stop drinking and all those other slightly painful things but she couldn't stop me from plotting her death.
Things were getting bad too quickly for my taste. I knew that my breaking point was coming faster than I wanted it to and that when it arrived that Sirius was going to have to be history. I just wanted to make the time we had left count.
The problem with making the time count was that I was completely out of my league. My experience with celibate relationships was nonexistent and with all the restrictions Evan put on me wasn't making anything easier. I'd already began plotting all the things I was going to do to her after our arrangement was over but that didn't help me with what I was presently going to do with Sirius. It just made me feel a little better knowing that she was going to have to live in fear of my wrath.
I was up to forty four rules on Evans' growing list. It was making life impossible, let a romance. I'd been banned from the Boys' Dormitory with her rule number forty three and all public displays of affection were banned with rule forty two. Rules number thirty six, thirty eight and thirty nine prohibited snogging in broom cupboards, the library, and unused classrooms respectively. I literally could not put my hands on him anywhere.
As much as Evans' Rules were driving me out of what was left of my mind, I tried to focus on the positive side of things. Sure, eventually it was going to lead to the end of Sirius and I's relationship and that could possibly kill me. On the positive side, however, that was going to make it open season on my least favorite flaming ginger from hell. Oh all the things I was going to do to that horrid bint…
That's enough ranting about Evans though. As much as she liked to think she ruled my life I had more important things going on in my life than her control complex. Like Sirius, for example. He was much more pleasant to think about than that Ginger Devil. He'd probably be more pleasant to think about if I could actually put my hands on him though. Between Evans' Rules and his self-imposed celibacy I was lucky to get within a few feet of him. Luckily the weather wasn't too terrible and we could find a little bit of solace in the grounds. At least there I wasn't breaking Evans' Rules and I could escape a bit of her soulless ginger rage.
To get outside, though, I had to survive breakfast. Breakfast, like I've said many times before and will say again, was the epitome of hell for me. It was also when I felt like I was most likely to stab someone with my butter knife.
This morning was particular bad. I never get post but today a large tawny owl came swooping into the Great Hall and aimed for my head.
Its bony head collided with my forehead, nearly making me break one of Evans' rules and let out a very colorful string of curses. I managed to contain myself, untying the letter from the owl's foot. It let out a collection of hooting noises before stealing my piece of toast and flying off.
"Stupid bird," I muttered to myself, breaking the envelope's seal. I expected it to be from my parents, cursing at me for one thing or another. They did that every once in a while. It was like they wanted me to remember that I was still a disappointment in their eyes. The script, however, was too messy and cramped for it to belong to either of my parents. Once my eyes reached the greeting of "Dear Little Sister", I stopped reading.
"Problems?" Sirius questioned, watching me with a concerned look.
I shook my head, forcing a smile as I balled up the letter, "Nope. Just nothing worth reading."
He looked unconvinced but didn't press the issue. He returned his attention back to the plate of bacon and sausage in front of him, looking up at me curiously every once in a while.
"Clark," Lily said suddenly, looking up from her breakfast.
I turned to her, trying not to let all the loathing I was feeling become evident in my stare, "Yes, Lily?"
"There's an exam in Transfiguration today," she informed me. "Are you ready for it?"
Was I ready for it? Of course I was ready for it. The Ginger Bitch had been making me study for two hours a day and she demanded I never get below an E on any assignment (refer to rule number thirty four). I didn't have a choice but to be ready. "Yes," I replied evenly.
"And how well do you think you're going to do on it? An A? An E? An O?" she pressed, batting her eyelashes at me in a demonic kind of a way.
"Definitely at least an E. This one should be pretty easy," I answered. That was a lie. This exam was probably going to be the hardest thing I'd ever done in my entire life but I wasn't about to admit that to her of all people.
"Well I hope you're right," she commented in a falsely innocent tone. "Wouldn't it just be a shame if you weren't as prepared as you thought?"
And wouldn't it just be a shame if I broke my breakfast plate over your fat, evil head? "I'm not worried about it," I assured her, trying to stop myself from hurling myself at her from across the table.
"Erm, Cherry, Ashley, come with me to the lavatory," Ali suddenly announced, practically dragging me from the table. Ashley followed behind us in confusion as we were ushered away.
"Puff, what are you doing?" I inquired as I was swept away into the lavatory.
"Saving Hogwarts from a nuclear explosion," she answered. "I didn't know if you or Lily were going to burst first but you two were headed towards knock-down-drag-out. Believe me, I was doing you a favor."
I chuckled at how much she'd changed since she asked me to test Sirius' fidelity. Before she'd have never even tried to get in between Evans and I when we started heading down the path to a bloodbath. "I appreciate it, Puff, but it wasn't necessary. Trust me, that was mild for Lily and I."
"Why do you call her that?" she questioned. "Before the past few weeks I've never heard you call her anything but Evans or some sort of insulting nickname. What's changed?"
"Nothing," I lied breezily with a shrug.
"Liar!" she accused. "I know something's happening with you two. You've been acting weird lately. She's got some sort of hold on you so what is it?"
Oh silly, silly Puff. Even if I wanted to tell her, I couldn't. Well, I could technically. There wasn't a rule that said that I couldn't talk about them. It just wouldn't do any good. She couldn't contain the sadistic Satan inside of Evans and I didn't really want to admit that the Ginger Hellspawn was exercising this much power over me so easily. My pride had taken enough hits during this school year and I wasn't going to sign up for another one so easily. "Just don't worry about it. It's just an adjustment period," I assured her. "Lily and I are just learning to co-exist. It's better for everyone if you don't get involved. Trust me, it won't help anything."
She looked unconvinced, "Are you sure? You haven't been yourself lately. You're doing things that you'd never usually do."
"Yeah and the things that I would usually do got my best mate killed and turned me into an alcoholic who was about to fail out of school," I pointed out bluntly.
"So you're okay?" she questioned dubiously. "Everything with you and Lily is alright?"
I nodded, "Of course. Trust me, this is good for everyone involved. The less Lily and I try to kill each other, the more smoothly things will go for everyone. Just trust me." It was almost disconcerting how natural that lie sounded. If I didn't know better then I would have believed myself that everything that was happening with Lily was peachy keen.
"Well if you're sure," she nodded slowly.
"I am," I confidently informed her. "Now can we please go destroy this Transfiguration exam already? I didn't study all week just for kicks."
She smiled weakly and nodded, "Sure. Let's go."
The examination was a bitch and a half. I don't know why anyone would care so much about turning useless things into even more useless things. It an exam of almost everything we'd learned in our six and a half years of schooling. Honestly, most of the content was ridiculous. I mean, who wants to turn a hedgehog into a pin cushion? What's the use of a hedgehog? Why would I even want a pin cushion? No one at Hogwarts even sews, except for maybe Madam Pomfrey. She seems like the arts and crafts type of woman. Maybe it helps soothe her obvious anxiety issues. Either way, I'd rather learn how to turn things into useful things that I might actually use someday rather than something I'll never use.
Despite the uselessness of the entire exam, I felt pretty confident about my performance. It might have been a pointless test but I still had to dominate it or face Evans' wrath. She's already given me a glimpse of the consequences I was risking by crossing her. When I'd accidentally slipped up once and called her "Evans", she convinced Potter to convince Sirius that she and Potter had seen me with another man. All it took was for one of them to mention the fact that it looked vaguely similar to Riley Alexander and Sirius was flying off the handle. After hours of yelling on his part and a little bit of crying on my part, Potter and Evan finally conceded that maybe they hadn't seen me. Maybe they just saw Sarah Jones, a Hufflepuff girl who had the same blond hair as me. If that was her punishment for accidentally calling her by her surname then I really couldn't risk breaking any of her bigger rules.
Sirius didn't seem nearly as excited as I was to be done with the exam. The exam was over and that meant that we had nearly an hour and a half free period before lunch. I nearly had to drag him outside of the castle to enjoy the fleeting sunshine. It wasn't going to last forever and winter was coming. I wanted to be able to enjoy the grounds as much as I could before the cold weather came.
"Cherry," he spoke slowly, taking a seat at the base of an oak tree. "Why don't you come and sit with me?"
"Uh okay?" I replied, not liking his tone. It sounded like he wanted to say something and that made me paranoid. Had I done something to brass Evans off? Had I unknowingly broken one of her rules and now I was going to have to pay for it? "What's going on?"
"Don't be mad."
"Why is it that everyone always says that before they do something that they know is going to make someone angry? It's like saying 'no offense' before telling someone completely offensive," I ranted anxiously. "I mean telling someone not to get mad isn't going to make them any less mad, especially if you do something that constitutes getting mad about. I mean, it doesn't soften the blow or anything so why say it? To prepare someone so that they know that they're probably going to get mad over what you're about to say? It just doesn't –"
"Cherry, love, you're rambling," he interrupted with a small smirk.
"Fine," I waved him off. "What is it that's going to get me mad? I'll try not to get too explosive."
His smirk suddenly turned to a sheepish expression, "I – Well, I – Erm -" He dug into his pocket, retrieving a piece of balled up parchment. "It just kind of happened."
"Is that my letter?" I inquired, my voice low and exceedingly cold.
"I just wanted to know what was going on with you!" he explained quickly. "You wouldn't tell me and I was afraid that something was really wrong! I just wanted to make sure everything's okay!"
I scoffed irritably, "My personal letters aren't any of your business. If I wanted you to know what they said then I'd tell you. You don't have any right to go prying into my things!"
"I just wanted to make sure everything was alright with you! I just did it because I care!" he exclaimed.
"Yeah well caring for someone isn't an excuse for reading other people's post," I informed him hotly. "You don't get to use that as a 'get out of jail free' card. You still have to respect my right for privacy."
"I do!" he assured me. "I just want to make sure you're alright!"
"Well you need to do that without crossing the line and trust me, reading someone's post without their permission is definitely crossing that line."
"Well what am I supposed to do then?" he demanded frantically. "If you won't tell me what's going on then how else am I supposed to know? What do you want me to do? Have to hear about everything going on in your life from the gossip-mongers and have to try to sort out the truth from the fiction?"
"Of course not." I didn't want the gossip-mongers and the rumor mill to have anything to do with our relationship.
"Well then what? Tell me what I'm supposed to do then," he implored. "How am I supposed to find out what's going on with you if you won't tell me?"
As much as I hated to admit it, he had a point. "Don't do it again."
"I won't but that really doesn't answer my question," he pointed out.
"Alright fine, you're right, okay? Is that what you want to hear? You're right. You can't understand things you don't know and you can't know things I don't tell you," I conceded begrudgingly.
"And?" he gestured for me to continue.
"And I'll try to keep you more informed with here on out if you agree to stop reading my post," I sighed.
"I promise," he agreed.
"Alright good," I smiled, leaning back on the oak tree.
He didn't reply. He stared pensively across the Grounds. I hated it when he was pensive. It was like his entire face lost any noticeable emotion and I couldn't ever tell what he was thinking or feeling. It was like watching a stone statue.
Eventually, after what left like eons, he spoke, "Love, you and I –" I never got to hear what he had to say about him and I. Potter ruined a potential moment in the making.
"Pads! Pads!" he hysterically exclaimed, his breath ragged from running. He bent over, grabbing his knees as he took a few shallow breaths. "Pads, we've got – Dumbledore – We've got to go."
Sirius nodded, obviously understanding more of what Potter said than I did, "I'll be right there. Cherry, I –"
"Leave the bint and let's go!" Potter snapped before sprinting back towards the castle. You'd have thought that a Quidditch captain would have better cardio.
I was shocked at being so blatantly called a "bint" by my boyfriend's best mate. I knew that Potter didn't like me but I never thought he'd call me that, especially not in front of Sirius. Sirius also looked pretty stunned by his mate's choice of words.
"He didn't mean that," he assured me.
I knew that he was wrong but I nodded anyways, "I know."
"I've got to go see Dumbledore now, alright? I want you to go straight back to the Common Room and wait for me, alright? Promise me you'll go straight there," he informed me in a hurried tone.
"What's happening?" I questioned. "What was he talking about?"
"I don't know. It could be nothing but it could be – Just go back to the Common Room, alright? No detours, okay? I don't want to risk anything until I find out what's going on. Just promise me, okay?" His eyes pleaded with me. "Please?"
I nodded slowly, "I promise."
He gave me a tight smile, helping to pull me to my feet, "I'll be there as soon as I can, okay?"
I nodded again to show I understood. He and I hurried back into the castle; not speaking about all the possible reasons Potter could need him in Dumbledore's Office. We parted ways in silence after he and I reached the First Floor.
I walked to Gryffindor Tower in a conundrum. I promised Sirius that I would stay in the Tower until he got back but Evans' Rules said that I wasn't allowed to skip classes anymore. What if he didn't get back until after the lessons started? I didn't want to have to follow Evans' Rules and go against my promise to Sirius but I knew that Evans would be less than understanding. What the hell was I talking about? Of course I wasn't going to follow Evans' Rules. She could make me do a lot of things but she couldn't make me break a promise to him. If he was going to break up with me then I would have preferred it be over a lie made up by Evans than one of my own.
I tried to be patient as I waited in the Common Room, ignoring the hum of students around me that were struggling to finish their homework before their lessons. My thoughts were too preoccupied with Sirius to care about their procrastination. Why would the Headmaster need to see Potter and Sirius in his office? Was something wrong? Were they in trouble? It took a lot of trouble for Dumbledore to deal out the punishment and I hadn't seen either one of them making too many waves lately. Had something happened? With all the Death Eater tension going on in the outside world, it was a definite possibility.
I wringed my hands anxiously, watching the clock. With every minute passed by that Sirius didn't walk through the portrait hole I could feel myself grow more and more restless. Something had to have happened but what?
"Clark, what are you doing? Have you forgotten we have Defense this afternoon?" I heard Evans ask in a sickly sweet, mockingly concerned tone.
"I'm waiting for Sirius," I replied stonily.
"And are you going to class?" she pressed impatiently.
"I don't know," I answered honestly. "It depends on when he gets back from Dumbledore's office."
"Aw, did your boyfriend get in trouble again?" she smirked, making me wonder why anyone ever saw her as something other than a horrid bitch from hell.
"Yours too apparently," I retorted, trying to contain my anger at her haughty expression. "He's with Dumbledore too."
Her smirk quickly dropped from her face, "What? What did they do this time?"
I shrugged, not wanting to tell her anything other than to sod off, "Apparently it's urgent but I don't know what it is."
"Is something wrong? Did something happen?" she quickly inquired, her tone suddenly becoming humane. Why couldn't she ever act like a human being all the time?
"I don't know," I repeated irritably. How many times would I have to tell her that before she understood? It wasn't like I got the agenda for Potter and Sirius' meeting with Dumbledore.
"Do you know anything?" she demanded, the humanity in her voice quickly leaving. "Merlin, what's the use of keeping you around when –?"
She was cut off by the almost eerie squeak of the portrait hole opening. My head immediately jerked, drawing my attention to the figures entering the Common Room. My heart plummeted when I saw Sirius' expression. I'd never seen him look so lost like that. His face was filled with a mixture of confusion and grief.
I got to my feet, unsure of what to do in this situation. No one had ever come to me for emotional consoling. I didn't know what he needed me to do or what was expected of me. Should I embrace him? Would that help anything? Should I ask what was wrong?
He approached me first, saving me from having to make the awkward decision of what to do. He threw his arms around me, pulling me to him without a word. I knew then that it didn't matter. It didn't matter if I was breaking one of Evans' Rules and it didn't matter that we were in the middle of the Common Room. Sirius needed me and everyone else could go to hell.
"Are you okay?" I inquired softly, unsure of what to say.
He shook his head, "Mr. – Mr. Potter's dead."
Potter's father died? I knew that Sirius was close to Potter's parents, having been adopted by them practically as a second son after he ran away from home. Everyone in Hogwarts knew that he had a horrible relationship with his parents and that the Potters had taken him in when no one else did. "Oh, my love, I'm so sorry," I told him sincerely, tightening my hold around his middle. "What happened?"
"Death Eaters," he spat the word as if he was trying to get poison out of his mouth. "Mr. Potter had some connections at the Ministry and they saw him as an easy target. They wanted to make an example of him."
"And Mrs. Potter?" I questioned, hoping that he still had one of his adoptive parents still alive.
"A mess but still alive. Luckily for her, they didn't attack him when he was at home. They waited until he was out for a stroll when they sprang him. Bloody cowards. What kind of person even attacks an elderly man from behind?"
I reached one hand up to comforting stroke his hair, "I'm so sorry, love. When's the funeral?"
"We're planning it for some time later this week. James and I are going back to his house tonight to help Mrs. Potter plan it. She's not in any state to plan it by herself. They were married almost fifty seven years," he answered softly.
I tried to think of a more productive way to comfort him. When Robin died, I clung to him for comfort. Now I didn't know how to return the favor. "Sirius, I'm so sorry," I told him, feeling a bit lame for not knowing anything better to tell him. I tried to think of the things that he'd told me to console me after Robin's death but I couldn't remember. I could hardly even recall him speaking at all during my stay at the Hospital Wing. All I could remember was him holding me.
"Come with me?" he requested, an underlying pleading in his voice. "I'd feel better if you were there."
I opened my mouth to assure him that I'd go anywhere he needed me to be but I was promptly interrupted. "That bitch is not going anywhere near my father's funeral!" I could hear Potter snarl. I looked over to see him in a similar position with Evans, his face looking as if he'd been crying. "He might be dead but you're not going to disrespect his memory by bringing a whore to his funeral!"
Sirius let out a throaty growl, tightening his grip protectively. "Shh, love. It's just the grief," I lied easily. Potter definitely meant it personally but with all that was going on, I couldn't let there be some feud when there was a funeral to plan. "We just need to honor his wishes. If he doesn't want me to go then I'm going to have to respect that."
"But I need you," he told me, a lot like a scared child would tell their mum.
I clenched him tightly to me, "I know and I want to be with you but James needs you too. I'm not coming between you during a time like this. I'm always going to be an owl away but I can't come with you. I want to but I just can't."
He sighed and nodded, "I guess I understand. I just don't want to be away from you. I don't want to do this alone."
"You're not going to be alone," I assured him. "James'll be there and I'm sure Lily and Remus and Peter will be there too. And if Remus goes then Ali'll probably go too. You're not going to have to do this alone."
"But they're not you," he pointed out. "It's different."
I couldn't help but feel guilty about making him leave without me. I didn't have a choice though. I couldn't let there be a fight over me when they were still in mourning. Loved ones are too important around the time of someone's death for me to let them start fighting amongst themselves. "I know but I'm going to be right here waiting for you when you get back and you can write me whenever you need to. I know this isn't ideal but it's the only way."
He nodded slowly and somewhat disappointed, "I guess so. I still would feel better if you came with me."
"James needs you and he can't depend on you if he's too angry about you bringing me with you," I reminded him. "It'll only be for a few days, even though now it seems longer than that."
He nodded again, relinquishing his hold on me, "I'm – I'm going to go pack. Just wait here for me, alright?"
I nodded, giving him a weak smile, "Okay."
He collected himself, starting towards the Boys' Dormitory. I took my seat back on the sofa, feeling somewhat useless in the whole situation. I couldn't comfort him and I couldn't honor his wishes. Maybe Evans was right. What was I good for anyways?
Potter separated himself from Evans, joining Sirius in packing to leave for the Potter's. Their parting wasn't nearly as reluctant as Sirius and I's, probably because they knew that they didn't have a limited amount of time together. Sirius and I only had a few minutes but Evans wasn't going to be banned from going with them. Sirius knew better than to try to separate them during such a hard time, a decency that was apparently lost on Potter. I suppose I wasn't surprised because I knew that almost none of Sirius' mates liked me but it was still a hard pill to swallow.
"Thank you," I heard Evans say. At first I thought she was speaking to someone else but I soon realized that she was looking straight at me.
"For what?" I inquired; shocked that she would thank me for anything. Her Rules might have made me use "please" and "thank you" but she never returned the favor.
"For letting him go," she replied. "Things could've gotten ugly if you hadn't so thank you."
I nodded. She was thanking me for accepting Potter's prejudice? Well, I suppose I had heard weirder things that day. "They need each other more than he needs me," I admitted, though it was painful to say.
She nodded back before trotting off to the Girls' Dormitory, probably to pack for her trip. I had to admit that I was jealous that she was allowed to follow her boyfriend without anyone holding her back. I had already been facing some consequences that came with having a boyfriend whose friends hated me but this wasn't a consequence that I saw coming. I'd never expected that it'd keep me away from Sirius when he was mourning the loss of someone who was like a father to him. That was something that I never saw coming.
After Sirius packed for his trip to the Potter's, I followed him into Dumbledore's office. Ali, Remus and Pettigrew were already there, somehow having packed without my noticing that either of the boys were in the Tower. I'd been right about Ali being allowed to go at least. I wasn't surprised though. The Marauders had always been a tight-knit group and I could imagine that all four of them were attached to Potter's parents. I hadn't met them before but from what Sirius had told me, I knew that they'd been very welcoming to all of Potter's mates. I wondered if they would have liked me because their foster son loved me or if they would have disliked me because their biological son hated me. I suppose it didn't matter because Mr. Potter was dead and Mrs. Potter was in too much grief to pass judgment on anyone.
I watched all the Marauders and their girlfriends, besides me, floo back to the Potter's without me. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel but my heart wrenched as I was left alone in the office with Dumbledore. I muttered my thanks to him for letting me come to say goodbye before scurrying out of his office.
I suppose the best word to describe the way that I felt would be rejected. I knew that Evans and Potter really didn't like me but it'd never had such a devastating effect on anything before. Sure, Evans' Rules made life a little irritating and difficult but it really only affected my patience. Now they were gone and I was left behind. It felt kind of like when you're a kid and you watch the kids around you go off to play and they tell you that you can't come too. I knew that they weren't going to play and that they were planning and attending a funeral but it still had the same kind of isolating feeling of being singled out.
I tried to think of it as an opportunity to free myself from Evans' grasp for a while. For the first time in weeks, I was going to be able to wake up every morning without having more obnoxious and ridiculous rules piling up for me. She wasn't going to be about to monitor my ever move. At the same time, though, that came with a cost. I wasn't going to see her smirking face every day but I wasn't going to see Sirius either. To me, that negative far out-weighed the positive.
I didn't even know what I was going to do with myself. My entire life had revolved around Sirius and trying to survive Evans' Rules. What was I going to do with myself now that neither one of them were going to be around to affect my life? There was no way around it: This sucked.