Self-esteem issues

Now that we have more or less finished the basics of our dearest (unimpeachable) characters CB: oh just say Mary Sues already! We can move on to more technical difficulties, and those are the self-esteem issues of both the author and the (unimpeachable) character.

The Author

We come now to the horrible truth; there will be some people, some horrible people jAm: how DARE you? HOW DARE you call me horrible? CB: I ought to be insulted…I really ought to…but I'm not HAHAHAHAHAHAA! Who will take every opportunity to put you and your amazing story down. jAm: what? Oh no…I know where this is going…DON'T WRITE IT! DON'T WRITE IT CB! CB: *sob* *tries to hold pen away from paper* MUST. STAY. STRONG! *pen jerks forwards* NO! Body…so…weak…need…a…biscuit…
these, dear friends, are called FLAMES. Some of these 'flamers' may even put it down as "constructive criticism" but DO NOT BE FOOLED! These are low-life scumbags whose life aim it is to insult you! jAm: or help you…there's a reason it's CONSTRUCTIVE. Oh wait, this is a flame. SOWEE! :(

Now some of these flames will contain strange phrases such as 'you should rename your (unimpeachable) character to Mary Sue' which, of course, is absolute gibberish, what are these 'Mary Sues' I hear you ask. CB: tip; we wrote you a guide how to make one…well, that is unimportant… repeat that last sentence in a stereotypical German accent; Vell, zat iz der unimportante…heheheh…sorry, we'll go now.

The best way to deal with this is something like this:

Dear Author *cough Suethor*,
I would like to inform you that, beside the fact that I can barely read your story for the spelling mistakes, I have to admit, with all due respect, that your character is a bit of a …well…a Mary Sue. I think your story shows potential, and I mean this from the heart when I say this; this is merely constructive criticism. You may want to recheck your grammar and spelling and figure out a fixed plotline so there aren't any inconsistencies over the chapters.
Awaiting your response,
TheFlameExample

Your reply and retaliation would have to look a little like this:

TheFlameExample: F*** U! Ur a stpuid b****! Mi splelins fine1111 nd mu grmers prfct! Do u even hav a life?111111 Raven is called RAEVN nut Mry Su, and wats inconsistencies?111
From; You

You can also deliver quite a sting when you continue the next chapter and introduce a stand-in insert who represents your flamer;

Raven glanced at the weak, snivelling, cheesy-pale thing in front of her. Was it even human? "I am Raven," she said softly, smiling kindly and flicking her hair.
"You're called Mary Sue," the THING retorted stupidly. "I am Flame and you suck." Raven gasped delicately.
"You…" she said angrily. "I do not suck! I am the leader of the Varden! Who do you think you are?"
"I am Flame," Flame replied, trying to copy Raven's imposing, firm tone. "I am the daughter of the leader of this town, and I'm here to STOP YOU!"
Raven drew her sword.
jAm: to spare you the nap – we're evil – we've cut the fight scene. Essentially, it goes; Raven beats the snot out of Flame, Flame dies stupidly and everyone cheers Raven on. Happy?
Slave driver dude: *raises whip* what was that?

How NOT to cope with flames:

Dear Author *cough Suethor*,
I would like to inform you that, beside the fact that I can barely read your story for the spelling mistakes, I have to admit, with all due respect, that your character is a bit of a …well…a Mary Sue. I think your story shows potential, and I mean this from the heart when I say this; this is merely constructive criticism. You may want to recheck your grammar and spelling and figure out a fixed plotline so there aren't any inconsistencies over the chapters.
Awaiting your response,
TheFlameExample

Magpie's creator replies:

OMG! I AM SO SORRY! I BEG OF YOU! PLEASE FORGIVE ME! I'LL DELETE THE STORY! I'LL WORK ON IT! I PROMISE! PLEASE DON'T HATE ME!

I think we all know what's wrong with this reply; it's weak, desperate and APOLOGETIC and that is unacceptable!

Magpie sat on a rock on the outskirts of the Varden camp, planning out her latest scheme to get Eragon's hand in marriage when an unbelievably beautiful girl appeared before her. She had glittering glass-green eyes and golden hair until her waist that swayed gently in the wind. "I am Flame," the girl explained.
Magpie collapsed onto the floor, arms outstretched and knees bent, praying to her. "OH HOLY ONE! PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR MY WRONG-DOINGS!"
Flame blinked "I …uh, I haven't said…"
"I SHALL HAIL YOU! I SHALL BRING YOU WONDERFUL GIFTS FROM FAR AWAY LANDS!"
"you misunderstand…" the new girl attempted to interrupt, failing miserably.
"I SHALL NAME MY CHILDREN AFTER YOU! Let's see…the boy shall be called Ash, and the girl shall be called…fiery? No…FLAMESSA! That's it!"
The Flame sighed "all I wanted to ask was whether or not you had a biscuit so that CB doesn't die again" she vanished, leaving Magpie sobbing on the floor happily.
"my dear god has blessed me with the third chapter of SEEBEE!"

CB: there are too many exclamation marks in this chapter.
jAm: THERE ARE NOT!
CB: !
jAm: !
CB: !

The Character

Quite obviously your (unimpeachable) character must always have her wits and nerve about her, no matter how bad things become.