Thereness
It was almost impossible for him to breathe the first few days after she left; his chest actually ached in her absence and he felt as if part of the world had fallen down. What had once been a home no longer remained a safe haven; it now just existed as walls that for the first time he saw as a prison. He had realized then that had been her perception as well, despite his love, regardless of his constant attention she still felt walled inside a glass menagerie. Until the moment of her leaving he had never thought of it that way and now the realization was much too late and her leaving was a wound through his heart he feared to never recover from. For days he wandered the halls as she had once done, sometimes kidding himself he could still hear her footsteps above or below but it had all been just a dream, just a sad dream that would never come to fruition ever again. She had said her good-bye and damned him to hell, how ironic it was that he had taught her that very lesson. However never once had he thought she would become such an apt pupil and far exceed the master in the classroom. He had wanted to save her, always for as long as he had known her and now it seemed as if he had failed and before him stretched nothing but the loneliness he had once saved her from.
How impossible it seemed to him to think of going on without her there, without her within his of reference to call upon and see about. Narcissa was no longer the witch she had once been, pretense and a war had taken a toll. What once was- was no longer and he feared she would end up alone and frightened without him forever by her side where he could safely keep the demons at bay.
He had waited for weeks, each day hoping she might return, hoping she might have changed her mind and come running back to the glass cage he had built for her but as the days passed her absence remained a constant and his sanity and broken heart became unbearable. There were days his pride took control and he cursed her for leaving him, his anger spilled out upon what was once a home and the foundation had shook until the glass panes would fall to the ground into shattered shards. There he would stay for days nursing his wounds until finally finding the strength to rebuild what once was for if nothing else it was a constant reminder of her and the lover within him could never feel betrayed for very long. After all had he not taught her the power of good-bye, had he not been the one to build her back into some resemblance of the great witch she had once been. Perhaps he thought he had taken his task to greatly at heart, perhaps he should have left her broken for at least then she would have stayed. She would have never left him, she would have remained forever with him- she would have never found the strength to ever leave. But leave she did and one day not so long after her departure he found him self staring across the open sea and decided he could not stand the loneliness one moment longer.
It hadn't been difficult for him to find her but what caused the most heart retching affect was the fact he could not make his presence known. He feared most of all she would flee once again and he hadn't been so sure he would live though another heart break as he had once before. Narcissa had not returned to the Manor, in fact she had strayed so far from the wizarding world that her name was no longer mentioned and she was all but forgotten. It was within a small village, in a house atop cliff much like the one they had once shared where he finally found her and to his great relief she seemed to actually be content.
For days he would walk the seashore below and just the knowing that she reigned above brought about such comfort as he had been unable to understand. There had even been times when he had seen her and carefully he would watch as she stood upon the cliffs edge and silently he would pray she would turn around and walk away. He had been quite certain he would not have survived the fall anymore than she would have. Always to his astonishment she would linger, sometimes for hours until finally turning to leave and eventually she would move from his sight just as she had done so many months ago.
On those days he cursed himself for lacking the courage to call her name, to demand she return and this time save him. For in fact it was evident she no longer needed to be saved but Severus could not say the same for him self. Without her he had found his life so lacking, so mundane and empty he often thought of turning into the sea and walking until he could no longer feel the earth beneath his feet and simply allowing the tide to swallow him whole. How different their roles had become. In the beginning he was the savior to the broken and the bruised heart of Narcissa and yet now he was the one which required the saving and only she could fulfill that particular need.
He stayed days which eventually turned into months always within sight of her little cottage atop the cliff. The thought of returning to the empty glass house had been more than he could stand, more than he even cared to consider. Occasionally he would pray, and yes he did pray to God to deliver him from his sadness and find the strength to finally call her name as he watched each and every day as she lingered upon the cliffs edge staring far into the horizon edging daily so very close to oblivion. Yet each day he could not find the words that would propel him forward and end his perceptual sorrow so he waited and hoped that she would not find the courage to discover the feeling of the fall and that she would always find the strength to eventually turn away.
He often thought him self ridiculous for watching and waiting and yet he knew no other way to insure her safety or her sanity. The years they had spent together had not saved her, had not stopped her heart break and he feared that should he make himself known she would simply leave him again or perhaps even slam the door in his face. But time was taking its toll and after many years he suddenly found one day he could wait no longer and without prior intent he found him self walking the spiraling cliff side until he eventually reached the top of the cliff and before him stood the cottage that held within it his great love and only salvation.
Self inflicted torture was an odd thing he had once reasoned, by not making him self known he was able to exist even though it was within a very tiny part of her world, it was still within her realm of reference. However over time forces beyond anyone's control drives the heart into places they once thought of never going and throwing the only constant within their world into the wind. Yes she still remained but not within the reach of his arms and over time that ache had become entirely too much to live with. By the time he took that walk along the winding cliff he had been certain either his life would continue with her or his life would end entirely without her. There had been no other choice, purgatory had become much too long and painful and it was time to end his suffering one way or the other.
He found her in the garden and his eyes took her in as if he was seeing her for the very first time. For several minutes she did not look up and he drank her in like a man thirsty for water after days spent in a desert. A brief moment passed where he thought perhaps he had made a mistake and thought briefly about turning around and leaving before she became aware she was being watched and not watched by just anyone but by him. However that moment passed and another quickly followed which propelled him forward until he found him self just out side her garden gate and stood in absolute silence hoping beyond hope she would not turn and flee from his sight. For him time seemed to stand still as he watched her gather her flowers and tend to her herbs and for the first time in so many years he felt absolute peace within his world and regardless of how she received him he knew he could live forever on just those few precious moments alone.
He closed his eyes then and tried with all his might to forever remember the vision before him before finally he opened them once again and within his eye sight was her eyes, ice blue and stony before him staring straight inside his soul. He feared moving afraid she would flee but after what seemed an eternity she stood and walked towards his direction never once breaking contact with his eyes. When she finally reached him all that stood between them was the garden gate and the years they had spent together and all the years they had spent trying to find common ground with the other. Her face softened and he became conscious that she was not angry and that she was not upset at the prospect of being found. In fact he had seen within her eyes a longing which he had been sure matched his very own. She reached for him, one hand to another and with her touch told him she was ready to have him once again by her side, once again where he had always belonged even when she had not known it.
Words had not been necessary, just as always they had never been. Each had become the savior to the other and now after all this time they finally stood on equal footing. With the opening of a small garden gate she invited him back into her life, back into her world and this time with the promise of never saying good-bye ever again.