Author's Note: THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE FOR YOUR REVIEWS. You guys are literally the sweetest people ever.
So this chapter is basically a montage of Kurt's life happening whilst he is suffocating. It is inspired by Elton John's classic "Someone Saved My Life Tonight". (a super sad, acoustic version I head on YouTube)
TRIGGER WARNING. If stuff like cutting really sets you off, PM me and I will gladly send you this chapter without the section pertaining to that subject. Please don't hesitate to ask either.
So I hope you enjoy this chapter! I tried to finish it before the season three finale because I felt I would be too sad to write after that. So have Kleenex nearby and enjoy!
**Note, the bold words are the song lyrics and the italics are the flashbacks. Normal lettering is present day.**
When I think of those East End lights, muggy nights
(Kurt, age 7)
"Now, Kurt. Remember your mother is very sick so don't rush her. She will go at her own speed, so don't complain." Burt lectured.
"Of course, daddy. I know mommy is sick and she isn't always as happy as she used to be but I love her so I will always be right by her side. You will too, right daddy?" Kurt stared up at his father with innocent, puppy dog eyes.
"Yes. Now come here, and give me a hug." Burt said, grabbing his son and pulling him into a bear hug. "So are you ready to go to the Cayman Islands?"
"Oh momma, look! Isn't the light so pretty?" Kurt gawked, pointing to a light house in the distance.
"It's gorgeous, Kurt." Kurt's mother coughed, her body shaking violently from the cool, moist air.
"Momma, you doing all right?" Kurt frowned, clutching onto his mother's arm as they strolled down the sidewalk near the Gorling Buff Bright lighthouse.
"Fine, honey. I just need to sit down." His mother said, her voice raspy and weak.
"Okay." Kurt frowned, helping his sickly mother sit down on a nearby bench.
"Kurt, I'm going to tell you something and I want you to remember this. Keep these words near and dear to you. I know your young, and this may hurt. But Kurt, I may not be around for much longer. I may not be able to see you go to prom or get married or watch you grow up. But Kurt, don't coast through life feeling crummy and worthless, because you're not. I want you to find love, find happiness. Kurt, love is like that lighthouse over there. When the tides of our life get too rough, it always guides us back to dry land where we are safe and comfortable. Just like our love does, and you and your father's. So Kurt, don't throw yourself around like you don't matter, because you do. Just remember, I will always be your lighthouse. I will always be there to guide you home, even when I'm gone and waiting for you in heaven. I love you, Kurt." Kurt's mother said, tears strolling down her cheeks.
"Momma, I don't want you to leave me." Kurt began to cry, burying his head into his mother's shirt.
"Honey, I'll never leave you. I will always be right here, in your heart."
The curtains drawn in the little room downstairs
Prima Donna lord you really should have been there
Sitting like a princess perched in her electric chair
(Kurt, age 14)
"How could you imply that I'm weak just because I may not always act like the boy you always dreamed about having. I'm sorry I embarrassed you, dad." Kurt screamed, slamming his door behind him.
"Kurt, come back. Can we just talk about this, like men? I didn't mean what I said." Burt yelled from the bottom of the stairs.
"So now you think I'm a man." Kurt shouted back, tears beginning to roll down his face."I thought to be a man you had to be able to play football."
"Kurt! I'm sorry, I was just upset. Please come down here." Burt pleaded.
Kurt ignored his dads pleads, and fell to a heap by his locked door. Kurt choked out a loud sob, and then breathed in heavily. He was done.
Kurt managed to gain enough strength to pull himself off of the floor, still shaking from embarrassment.
"Are you sure your boy ain't a girl, Hummel? He throws like a queer." Kurt remembered his dad's friend saying as Kurt attempted to throw the baseball across the field.
Kurt remembers his dad chuckling nervously at the comment, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment.
The tears started rolling down Kurt's face again as he shut the curtains beside his loveseat. Kurt was sick of being an embarrassment, a disappointment, a waste of a soul to his father. He dug around in the cushions until he felt a cool, metal object and fumbled to pull it from the depths of the couch. He stared meticulously at the razor blade, watching as it glinted off the light casting from his lamp.
I'm going to do this, Kurt thought. I'm not going to be a chicken anymore; I'm going to end my suffering.
Kurt placed the tip of the blade over his left wrist, beginning to draw blood.
"KURT. Stop, right now." Burt screamed, stumbling into Kurt's room.
"Why the hell do you care? I'm a disappointment, a failure. A nuisance to the Hummel name. Let me do you a favor and just die." Kurt cried, dropping the razor to the flor.
"Kurt, no you aren't. I don't know why I said that, I'm sorry." Burt said, running over to where Kurt was perched on his love seat, blood dripping from his wrists.
"Kurt, why would you ever think I would want you dead? It was just a stupid little league baseball team that you didn't make the cut for because the guy was a jerk. I didn't know how to respond and I should have stood up for you." Burt said calmly, eyeing the wound on his son's wrist in shame."And I'm sure one hell of a failure of a father if I drove you to this, Kurt. I'm sorry. It's just, I feel so lost since your mother has passed. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. She was always so good to you." Burt sobbed, hugging Kurt like he used to when Kurt was a tike.
"I'm, I'm sorry dad. I'm sorry that I made you feel so upset, it isn't your fault. I love you, I'm sorry I yelled. I don't want to be dead, dad." Kurt cried, squeezing his dad tighter.
"You shouldn't be sorry, Kurt. I love you. Your mother would be so proud if she saw how accomplished you are in school and in your plays. I shouldn't have made you try out for something I knew you hated." Burt sniffled, pulling back away from the hug to look into Kurt's eyes.
"I just, I love you." Kurt sobbed.
"I'm going to go get you bandages, but you have to promise me you won't try to take your life again. No matter how hard the circumstances may be, your mother wouldn't want you to do this. Neither do I. So every time you feel down, come to me instead of inflicting pain to yourself. I love you. I love you so much." Burt said heartfelt idly.
And it's one more beer and I don't hear you anymore
We've all gone crazy lately
My friends out there rolling round the basement floor
(Kurt, age sixteen, season 1)
"Kur-Kurt?" Finn knocked on Kurt's bedroom door in the basement.
"What…the hell….do you want?" Kurt shouted angrily, slurring on his words and smelling heavily of beer when his door flew open.
"What the hell are you doing?" Finn screamed.
"I'm…havin' a good time." Kurt said, head banging his head to the scream-o music playing in the background.
"Kurt, where did you get all this alcohol and why are you drinking it?" Finn yelled, sounding angry and extremely confused as he stepped into Kurt's room. There were beer bottles smashed everywhere, stray clothes all over the room, vomit and beer stains on the carpet and garbage scattered everywhere.
"Took it from dad's liquor cabinet." Kurt hiccupped, stumbling over and grabbing onto Finn for support.
"Kurt this is extremely illegal! You're sixteen and there is no reason you should be doing this! What if Burt knew?" Finn said, flustered.
"I.." Kurt hiccupped. "Have no reason? So being bullied and harassed daily doesn't count as a reason to be upset? That is should all go unrequited and forgotten about?" Kurt said, his words extremely slurred. "Well, today I finally broke. That was too much. Karofsky and Azimio, they took off my clothes and wrote vile words all over my body and made me do horrid things to them. And do you think anyone bothered enough to come help me as I screamed? No. And do you think anyone would even care if I told them what happened? No. I'm just trash to the world." Kurt began to sob, his words choked and slurred.
"Kurt, what did they make you do?" Finn said, horrified."And I would have cared! I do care! I'm gonna' kick his ass."
"Nothing you'd wanna' hear. Let's just say they caused me to crumble, they took away my innocence and there is nothing I can do about it. They made me touch them where I didn't want to touch and it broke me, Finn." Kurt sobbed, collapsing onto his strewn bed.
"I'm gonna' kill him." Finn said, fists clenched. "We have to tell someone. Your dad, my mom, the school board, glee. He can't get away with this." Finn screamed.
"Yes, he will. He will and he always will. Calm down, Finn. Just take a sip and your cares will slip away from you." Kurt said drunkenly.
"Alcohol isn't the way to solve things, Kurt. Now I know you may be embarrassed and feel violated, but we have to tell someone. He can't get away with doing stuff to you like this anymore. Now come here, I am going to help you clean up before Burt gets home and has an aneurism." Finn said, helping Kurt off the bed.
"You're the best." Kurt said, snuggling into Finn's shoulder. "You know that?"
"Sure, whatever you say."
And someone saved my life tonight sugar bear
You almost had your hooks in me didn't you dear
(Kurt, age 16, season 2, after Blaine found Kurt unconscious after Karofsky's beating)
What felt like a huge, confusing blur of dystopia suddenly dissipated as Kurt was awoken by the feint sound of ambulances and the loud, heart breaking screams and sobs of someone familiar shouting his name.
"Kurt! Kurt! Please, wake up. It's Blaine." The voice shouted.
Kurt slowly blinked his eyes open, his vision still extremely blurry, but making out the silhouette of a boy in a navy blue blazer.
"B-Blaine. I'm sorry I missed our coffee outing. I must of…I must of fallen asleep." Kurt replied, his body feeling oddly numb. He didn't think waking up normally felt like this.
He could hear Blaine let out a happy sob, and could see his beautiful hazel/brown eyes squint, a sure sign that he was smiling.
"Oh Kurt. Just relax, its okay. Soon you're going to be in a nice, warm room where you can properly take a nap. I'll just take a rain check on that coffee date." Blaine smiled, slowly stroking Kurt's forearm that was hidden under a wool blanket.
"Oh." Kurt smiled at the worddate. "And can you tell F-Finn to turn down his video game? I can hear the sirens all the way from over here." Kurt asked groggily.
"Of course." Blaine chuckled.
~~~~~~~.
"Blaine, how did you find me?" Kurt asked hoarsely as him and Blaine rode in the ambulance to the hospital.
"Kurt, you hadn't been answering my texts or calls for hours. I was freaking out, considering you always answer your phone and always respond to my texts, so I sensed something wasn't right. I tried calling Finn a couple of times to ask if you were alright, and he just said he hadn't seen you since Glee, but was pretty sure he saw you head out with Mercedes. This eased my worrying slightly, considering it was something you would do. But, realizing that Finn wasn't exactly the most reliable person, I called Mercedes. She told me you left right after Glee, which resumed my bout of panic. I ran down to go ask Thad if he saw you, and I saw him talking on the phone. He said his girlfriend who attended McKinley High saw some dude get mercilessly beat up by some jock. I instantly knew what he was talking about, ran out of Dalton, jumped into my car and sped to McKinley High were I found you in a lifeless heap. The paramedics had already arrived, but I couldn't leave you alone with strangers." Blaine said in a mouthful, using dramatic hand gestures to emphasize certain parts of the story. Blaine looked down to see Kurt smiling at his story with his eyes closed, drifting back to sleep.
"I love you, Kurt." Kurt heard Blaine whisper after a few minutes, thinking Kurt was sleeping. "I love you so much, you will never know."
You nearly had me roped and tied
Altar-bound, hypnotized
(Kurt, age 16, a couple of weeks after Kurt returned to school after Karofsky's beating)
"Say it, Kurt. Say it now or you won't be going home." Karofsky whispered into Kurt's ear, Kurt against the shower stall with Karofsky pressing all of his weight on top of him.
"No, get off me. Now!" Kurt cried, trying to wriggle out of Karofsky's grasp, but Karofsky's sweaty, sticky body mingled with Kurt's tears prevented him from moving an inch. "You're disgusting."
"No, tell me that you're worthless and that you're mine." Karofsky said urgently.
"No, I'm not worthless and I am most definitely not yours. You're just a filthy pig." Kurt whimpered.
"If I'm so filthy then why do you keep coming back for more?" Karofsky sniggered.
"I don't keep coming back for more; you find me after gym everyday and force me to kiss you. You're a pig." Kurt cried.
"You like it, don't you." Karofsky snickered, slamming Kurt even harder into the shower wall. "Admit it."
"No. It's disgusting, so are you. You're so desperate you can't even get someone to consent to kissing you; you have to force me, the number one loser at school to kiss you. Now what does that say about you?" Kurt said bitterly, clenching his teeth together as he tried again to get out of Karofsky's quickly tightening clench.
"What did you just say to me?" Karofsky said with fury in his voice.
"You heard me. You're just a Lima Loser. You thought you had me wrapped around your finger. And you nearly did, you nearly had me roped and tied into being your slave. But I won't stand for this Karofsky. I can take slushies, dumpster tosses, shoves and a few punches but sexual harassment draws the line." Kurt said courageously. "We're through here."
Karofsky's jaw dropped from Kurt's statement. He temporarily let go of Kurt and watched in awe as Kurt sauntered out of the locker room, still wet from tears, with a smug smile on his face.
Kurt Hummel wasn't going to be someone's slave.
Sweet freedom whispered in my ear
You're a butterfly
And butterflies are free to fly
Fly away, high away, bye bye
(Kurt, age 13)
"Dad, can I go alone today? I want to talk to her about something…its private." Kurt asked innocently, squeezing his dad's hand. "Please?"
Burt looked down at his small, fragile son. He huffed slightly, but decided that he couldn't be with Kurt forever and if he wanted to talk to his mother alone, he might as well. "Fine. I'll be in the car if you need me." Burt answered, pulling his son into a hug.
"Thank you, dad. I'll try not to be too long, so you can talk to her too." Kurt smiled, rushing down the path of the cemetery he knew by heart towards his mother's grave stone.
Kurt looked silently at his mother's grave for a few minutes, observing the stone. On the side beside her name, encrusted was a small butterfly flapping his wings. Kurt remembers asking why his mother insisted on having a butterfly engraved on her tomb. "Because, Kurt, butterflies are free. And when it's my time, I'll be free. I'll be free to enjoy everything without being tied to my cancer, honey. My sickness doesn't define me, I'm still me. But when I pass away, I'll be healthy and lively with nothing to stop me. So that is why, honey, I want a butterfly on my gravestone." He remembers his mother saying those words vividly, a tear rolling down her cheek as she stroked Kurt's hair. The memory caused Kurt to tear up slightly, wishing he was still wrapped up in his mother's warm embrace, smelling her sweet pea perfume along with the feint smell of Cortisone.
"Hi, mom. I came here today to admit something to you. I want to feel free, like you. And you told me the only way to be free is not letting something define you. I realized that I'm letting myself be defined by what everyone else thinks I am. I realize it's time to come out and tell the world that their right, I don't like girls the way that most guys do. But that doesn't define me; I am Kurt Hummel, the funny, fashionable, witty young boy who happens to be gay." Kurt spoke quietly with his eyes shut. Kurt fluttered his eyes open and realized he felt like a load was lifted off his chest. He felt a strange sensation, he felt free.
I'm strangled by your haunted social scene
Just a pawn out-played by a dominating queen
(Kurt, age 15, memory taking place around 1x3)
"Oh gosh, what is she wearing?" Kurt said, looking at Rachel disgustedly.
"It looks like she bought her outfit from The Children's Place for hobbits." Mercedes responded, which resulted in them giggling uncontrollably, stopping when they realized all the eyes of the glee club was on them.
"Eh-hem." Rachel said, clearing her throat to direct the attention to the front of the classroom where she was perched on a stool. "I heard that."
"Good, and maybe it will impact your decision on whether you decide to buy you clothes from the Children's Gap or Forever 21." Kurt snarled.
"You know what, Kurt? I think you're jealous. I think you're jealous that I get all of the solos, am naturally talented and can be myself. Unlike you, who doesn't have the drive, focus or identity to become anything."Rachel snapped back as everyone's jaw dropped to the floor and tears began to well up in Kurt's eyes. "How do you expect to shine when you can't even admit who you are, tell everyone Kurt. Tell them that you're gay."
Kurt's heart immediately dropped to the floor and his blood began to boil. He hadn't told anyone besides Mercedes, who insisted on telling Rachel and Tina. He was going to keep it that way, until now. He was going to be hated even more.
"And do you got a problem with that, hobbit?" Santana spoke up, surprising the group anymore. She had never let alone spoke to Kurt, only the occasional insult about his sexuality.
"No, no. Of course I don't, I have to gay-"
"Don't even start with this 'I have two gay dads so I can't be offensive'. Well listen up Berry, I may not seem like I like Hummel in any way, and it may seem like I hate him. Sure, the things I say are offensive, but that's who I am. You all should know by now to not take my insults to heart. But what you did Berryis much worse than anything I would ever think of doing. You outed Kurt over here, something he should only have the right to do, even though it's completely obvious that he digs boys. So I suggest you apologize to Kurt, and don't expect him to forgive you, and then shut your loud mouth the hell up." Santana said bitterly, going into full bitch, Lima Heights Adjacent mode.
"Santana, I did not out him. I merely gave him a suggestion in how to get far in life, and if that meant outing him then I suppose I did." Rachel said in a smug, dramatic tone.
"I can't even believe you, Berry. This is low, even for you." Santana said crossly and sat back down in he chair in front of Kurt, ignoring everyone's surprised stares.
"Thank you." Kurt whispered, his words choked from tears.
"Well, if anyone ever did that to me I don't know what I'd do. I got your back, Hummel." Santana whispered back.
And the smile that played across Kurt's face was unforgettable, he found a friend in Santana, who trusted him enough to ever so slightly come out to him.
I'm sleeping with myself tonight
(Kurt, age 8)
"Dad.." Kurt said softly on the other end of his father's bed. "Dad, you awake?"
"Hmm…" Burt huffed.
"I…I think I'm gonna' go sleep in my bed." Kurt said uncertainly.
"Kurt, are you sure? Are you going to be okay being alone?" Burt asked sadly, turning to face his son.
"I…I think I will. I want to try. I can't sleep with you forever, daddy." Kurt said, sitting up on the queen sized bed.
"Okay, son. Do you want me to walk you there?" Burt offered.
"…no. I want to do this alone." Kurt breathed in heavily and made for the door before swiveling around to face his father. "And dad?"
"Yeah?" Burt sighed.
"I love you." Kurt smiled before slowly walking down the hallway to his room.
As he entered, he felt a bitter energy circulating. His room seemed so lifeless, so dull, and so lonely. He hadn't slept in his own bed in months, ever since his mother had passed. He couldn't bear to be left alone in his slumber, so he slept in his father's room. Kurt had been feeling ashamed of this lately, like him being there felt like he was taking over his wife's spot. Kurt decided that he was going to sleep by himself tonight.
He made his way over to his race car bed and slowly sat down on the edge. It felt hard-like a brick. However, Kurt was determined to sleep in his own bed. He couldn't keep sleeping with his father, Kurt was going to grow up and he didn't want to make a habit of it.
He began to slide up to wear the pillows of his bed were and slid under the covers. They felt like sheets of ice to Kurt, they felt so lonesome. He began to sob uncontrollably.
"Kurt, come here. Come sleep with me, I don't mind." Burt said softly, leaning against the doorframe of Kurt's room with his arms crossed.
"No, I-I want to sleep by myself. I n-need to." Kurt sobbed.
"Kurt, your coming to sleep with me. I don't mind. In fact, it feels empty without you. And I know you're not enjoying yourself here." Burt said sleepily.
"Okay…" Kurt complied, his tears slowly diminishing.
"And I know a perfect way to get you into sleeping in your own room. How about tomorrow we take a trip to IKEA to get you some new furniture?" Burt smiled, ruffling Kurt's hair.
"Really? I love you, daddy." Kurt sniffled, hugging his dad's leg.
Someone saved my life tonight, someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight, someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight
So save your strength and run the field you play alone
"I can't give up, I can't give up. Move, Kurt. Just move." Kurt muttered to himself, gasping for air desperately. He'd lived through much worse. He wasn't going to let himself be put to death by a worthless pig. Not without a fight.
AN: Thank you for reading this story. This story was an emotional roller coaster to write and I hope you liked it. And I'm sorry, I had to cut a couple of lines from the song. I just couldn't conjure up a memory to fit in to Kurt's life. Again, I hope you enjoyed otherwise! (:
Reviews, criticisms, complaints, suggestions, comments, etc are always welcome. (:
PS: "Don't listen to what people tell you because they'll try to bring you down. And don't listen to yourself, either, because yourself will try to bring you down even more so than anyone else. As long as you just put all your energy into one thing, it can happen."
― Chris Colfer (this may or may not be subtext for what happens in the next chapter)