Chapter Fourteen

Lily watched the Gryffindor team trudge back to the changing room, their shoulders slumped in defeat. She felt terrible for all of them, but even more so for James, who seemed to be taking it badly as he and Anthony just hung there, watching the Slytherins celebrate. It wasn't his fault; it was just the stupid way Quidditch matches played out. He finally splashed down into a large mud puddle, and she could imagine him swearing profusely.

"Rubbish," snapped Sirius in front of her. "Complete, utter, hag-sucking rubbish."

"Prongs is going to be really brassed off," said Peter, shaking his head as he stood.

"He should be," said Sirius, still angry. "Flitby missed a load of fouls, and that was a bloody awful way to end. It was dirty, it was sneaky, it was—"

"Perfectly legal," said Remus. "Seekers have wrestled over the Snitch before." Sirius just grumbled some more.

Lily agreed: it was a terrible way to end the game, even if it was a valid catch, and she knew James would probably be crushed by the loss. She suddenly decided she needed to see him immediately. She couldn't wait until he cleaned up; he might be angry about the match, but she had to talk him now, in case he didn't return to Gryffindor right away. Maybe she could even help.

She was quiet as she left the stands with her friends and walked back toward the castle. As they entered the Great Hall, Lily made an excuse to Mary and Sandra, telling them she had left her scarf behind. Before they could say anything, she hurried back out into the rain and ran down to the Gryffindor changing rooms. She was soaking wet all over again by the time she got there, but she didn't care. She just knew it was the right thing to do, that she had to be talk to James.

Most of the other Gryffindors barely gave her a second glance as they left, heads down as they hurried back to the castle in the rain. Ryan Sloper dashed back inside, and Lily idly wondered how Cynthia Morris was doing after such a bad fall.

James was one of the last to leave, and he stopped and stared at the wet figure in front of him. "What are you doing here?" he asked, and Lily could hear the surprise—or was it resentment?—in his voice.

"Waiting for you," she answered, standing to face him.

"Why?" he grumbled, cradling his right arm awkwardly. "The game's over. We lost."

"I know," she murmured. "I'm sorry."

"I don't need your sympathy, Evans."

"I'm still sorry. I know it was important to you."

He just shrugged and kept walking.

"Potter, wait!" she called, hurrying after him. The ground was wet, and she almost slipped in the mud as she trudged up the small hill to the castle against the wind. "Please wait."

"It's raining, you know," he tossed over his shoulder without even stopping.

"James, please," she implored. She caught up with him and stopped just short of reaching out for his hand.

"What, like to kick a bloke when he's down, do you?" he snapped over his shoulder, waving his left hand around. "Have at it then, you deserve a good go if you're willing to sit out in a storm just to tell me off again."

"I'm trying to apologize, you great, bloody prat," she snapped, in spite of trying to stay calm. "And I don't care if it's raining."

He turned and gave her an exasperated look. "You should. Here." And in spite of everything that had happened, he pulled out his wand and cast an Umbrella Charm. Lily hadn't even thought of it; she had been too wrapped up in her own thoughts to even bother with staying dry any more. It was as if she deserved to get soaking wet and sick after all that had happened between them, and she certainly didn't care how she looked. She just wanted to stop fighting. She was finally sick of it.

"Thank you," she said. She motioned to a rock under a nearby tree. "Please talk to me."

"Why?" he asked bluntly. "So we can yell at each other some more? So you can slap me again? Why would I want to talk to you again, Lily, when all we ever do is fight?"

Hearing her first name paired with such bitter words cut to the bone, and Lily suddenly wanted more than anything to run away, to forget about trying to make any sort of amends. She almost couldn't bear the hurt on his face, the pain she had obviously caused him over the last months, and yet she was a Gryffindor for a reason. She would apologize, and only hope she didn't say the wrong thing again and make it even worse.

"I'm sorry," she said, looking directly at him. "I really am."

"I said the same thing yesterday and you slapped me," he pointed out. "Why should I believe you anymore than you believed me?"

Lily felt her temper flare but quickly stopped it. "Because I mean it. I feel terrible."

"So do I, Evans," he said, throwing himself down on the rock. "Welcome to the other side." She tentatively sat next to him, and when he didn't move away, she began to feel that perhaps there might be hope.

"I'm sorry," she said again, as if repeating it would make him accept it. The Umbrella Charm protected them, kept them dry as the rain fell around them. She twisted her wet scarf in her hands, wringing out the water to splash upon the ground at her feet.

"I can't believe you slapped me yesterday," James said. "I didn't think you were that kind of girl." Once again his words pierced her heart, because it was true: she wasn't like that. She'd never slapped anyone in her life. At the same time, she couldn't help but feel a sliver of defensiveness.

"You turned me into a cat," she replied, shivering not from the cold but from the memory of the transformation.

"You said you hated me," he returned. "You threw a Hurling Hex at me." He sounded defensive as well, but also sad.

"I don't hate you," she said, pushing the wet hair from her face as she turned toward him, desperate for him to believe her. "Really, I'm don't. I just—"

"—can't make up your mind?" he suggested sarcastically. "I don't understand, Evans. We've always had a rocky relationship, but I thought things had settled down last year, especially after what happened in June. And yet it's like as soon as you saw the Head Badge on the train, you couldn't stop tearing into me."

He stood and started to pace, leaving the protective space of the Umbrella Charm and getting himself soaked all over again. He didn't look at her, but just talked, still cradling his wrist.

"I'm not any of the things you think I am, Evans. I might have been once, but not anymore. I'm better than that now, and I just don't get why you won't let go of who I used to be and see who I am now." He looked directly at her, challenging her for an answer. She couldn't help but feel as if he were defending himself to someone other than her.

She also couldn't talk. The lump in her throat was too big, too tight, and the words just wouldn't come. She shook her head miserably and wiped her nose, determined not to cry. She tried to summon the old anger that always appeared when they fought, but for once it was gone.

"Say something!" he exclaimed, throwing up his hands. "Yesterday you couldn't stop yelling at me and now you're just going to sit there and sniffle in the rain?" Her head whipped up, but still no words came. "Fine. I'm leaving. I'm going to get cleaned up and head to the Hospital Wing." He turned to leave, but stopped and glanced back over his shoulder. "But just so you know, you won't have to worry about working with me anymore. I've turned in my badge to Dumbledore. I told him to find someone else for the Head Boy position."

Lily jumped up as he walked away. "No!" she cried, running after him. "You can't do that!" This time she did grab him and turn him around. He gasped when she grabbed at his right arm, and she felt even worse, not realizing he had been injured. "James, you can't quit because of me."

"I can't work with you anymore," he said, brutally honest. "And you obviously don't think I'm good enough to be Head Boy, so now we can both be happy."

"But…but…" she stammered over her words, shocked that he had done something so drastic, so final, just to get away from her. "But I'd miss you," she finally whispered.

"Bollocks," he snapped, turning on her and walking back toward the entrance to the castle. "You'd miss shouting at me, but we've still got Charms for that."

Lily cringed as she remembered the dreadful scene in Flitwick's class, in the Entrance Hall, in so many of their encounters since September 1st. "Dammit James, I said I was sorry, why can't you—"

"—get over it?" he interrupted. "Just forget all the things we've said and done the last two months? What happened in Charms, in the Entrance Hall? Why? Because you didn't mean them?" He was challenging her again, and she didn't want to back down, but it was so hard to explain when she really hadn't even figured it out for herself.

"I didn't, no," she said, glancing up sideways at his face; she looked away when she saw the anger. He reached the stairs to the castle and turned toward her once more.

"Then why did you say them? Do you really think all those things about me?"

"No."

"Were you just trying to hurt me, then, or do you really hate me?"

"No, I…" She trailed off, unable to continue.

"Come on, Evans!" he shouted. The Umbrella Charm failed with the force of his emotion, drenching them both. "Tell me why we fight all the time, because I just can't figure it out. Otherwise I'm leaving—and I couldn't care less whether I ever see you again."

Lily sank to the steps and let her head fall into her hands. She was surprised when she felt James sit next to her, but she couldn't look at him this time.

"I can't stand this," he whispered. "I hate trying to hate you. I'm sorry."

Lily glanced sideways through the sopping strands of her hair. He had taken off his glasses and was sitting with his left elbow on the step behind him, head back and eyes closed to the grey skies and the rain that fell upon his face. He had never looked so vulnerable as he did in that moment, and as she looked at him it all came crashing down on her. With a gasp that literally made her sit up and put her hands to her mouth, Lily suddenly knew why: why she had reacted the way she had, why she had done and said so many horrible things—why they fought so much. Dumbledore had tried to tell her, in his typically enigmatic manner, but she had not seen it until now.

The insight made her feel even worse, because she also realized something else: she wasn't a Gryffindor after all. She was a coward. She was nothing but a scared girl lashing out at the boy she was afraid of, burying feelings she didn't want with feelings she didn't really have.

Watching James sit silently next to her, his face mirroring the pain she had caused them both, Lily decided she could no longer be that person, the one who did and said such things out of fear. She was tired of being scared, tired of compensating with anger and sarcasm and resentment. That wasn't who she was and wasn't who she wanted to be. And as she gazed at the boy next to her, she suddenly knew what she wanted.

She wanted him.

Lily moved closer. James sighed and put his glasses back on. He looked at her, hazel eyes unblinking in the rain. Lily once more felt her heart skip a beat at what she saw there. How could she have been so blind? How could she have willingly, knowingly hurt him so badly?

James didn't move, didn't smile, did nothing as she reached toward his face and touched his cheek. She took his glasses off again; still nothing. Leaning forward, she gently pressed her lips to his. They were soft and warm, though his lower lip had a small cut from the Quidditch match. Somehow the imperfection in what should have been a perfect moment only made it more endearing, more complete.

When she pulled back, he simply looked at her, his face an unreadable mask. Lily felt her stomach drop; she had made things worse, destroyed any small hope of gaining his forgiveness or even his friendship, let alone anything more. Closing her eyes so he would not see the tears threatening to spill, she handed him his glasses and moved away.

"I'm sorry," she said for what felt like the one hundredth time that night. "I didn't mean to—"

She couldn't finish. She couldn't stay. With a strangled sob, Lily stood and ran up the stairs to the castle. James did not follow, and a quick glance over her shoulder as she hurried through the main entrance showed her that he was still sitting on the steps, alone in the rain.

End Notes:

Time for a confession: this was the first chapter I wrote of this story! And here's why. I saw this lovely picture of James and Lily kissing in the rain, and was immediately struck by the scene. It seemed to me Lily was kissing James, but that he was very angry with her. And so I wrote this chapter, inspired by this gorgeous picture. The original is actually a bit more vitriolic, to be honest. But I had no idea how things had come to this point, and so I went back to the beginning and built it up. It toned itself down naturally. I must also admit this is one of my favorite chapters so I do hope you enjoy it. Thank you so much for all the lovely reviews. Keep the rotten fruit in reserve: we are only halfway done…and things usually get worse before they get better. ;)

And my thanks once more to the lovely Lea/mugglegirlmaruader who has helped me so much with this story. She is always ready and willing to listen to me sound things out, and has given me great advice on plot, character, and some of those great insults. THANK YOU! :)