Chapter Fifteen

James stared listlessly at the ceiling of his dormitory, watching the shadows float lazily across the stones as the clouds passed by the moon. His mind was blank, unable to process everything that had happened that day.

Sirius had talked to Lily. Cynthia had fallen from her broom. Gryffindor had lost the match.

And Lily Evans had kissed him. Kissed him.

Rolling over, he shook his head, tired and stunned and utterly confused. What had seemed like yet another one of their heated conversations had instead ended quietly in the rain, looking into one another's eyes. He could still feel her lips on his, taste the drops that had fallen upon them as they had sat on the steps.

What the hell was going on?

He had avoided his friends and teammates since. He had gone straight to the hospital wing, where Pomfrey had bandaged his wrist and given him a potion to lessen the pain and speed up the healing. After sitting with Cynthia for a while, he'd come back to Gryffindor, ignoring everyone in the common room, and had thrown himself into bed, exhausted. He had slept through lunch and apparently dinner.

As he lay there debating whether to find his friends, find Lily, or find food, he was interrupted by one of them finding him first. Peter entered quietly, his wand lit before him.

"You awake yet, Prongs?" he whispered into the darkness.

James sighed. He couldn't pretend to be asleep every time one of his friends came back to the dormitory, so he sat up and nodded. "Yeah, I'm awake. How late is it?"

Peter lit the lamps. "Not too late, but you just missed dinner. You hungry?"

"A bit," James admitted. "I should probably head down to the kitchens. Want to come?"

"No thanks," said Peter, tossing a bundle onto James's bed. "I brought you something instead. Figured you'd want some food when you woke up."

James unrolled a napkin stuffed with bread, cheese, and a large slice of roast beef. He grinned at his friend. "Thanks, Pete." Making himself a sandwich, he began to devour the impromptu meal, surprised at how hungry he was. "Where are the others?" he asked through a mouthful.

Peter kicked his shoes off and sat down on his bed. "Well, Padfoot showed up for dinner with a black eye, so he's off getting an earful from Moony."

James put down his sandwich and stared. "He was in a fight? Not about the match?" He hoped Sirius hadn't gone after Avery, because James had every intention of getting back at Avery himself—especially since he didn't have to worry about being Head Boy anymore.

Peter shrugged. "He wouldn't say, but I think it has to do with his girlfriend."

"The Slytherin?" James asked, going back to his sandwich.

"You think so too?" said Peter. When James nodded, he continued. "Yeah, so do I. I wonder if he finally got caught." He paused. "That or he had it out with Regulus."

"Wouldn't be the first time for either," said James. "But a row with Regulus would make more sense, considering the way the match ended."

Peter shook his head. "That was bollocks. I'm sorry, James. You played so hard, and one punch in the stands won the game."

James felt his stomach twist as he remembered the moment too well. "How's the rest of the team?" he asked, feeling guilty that he wasn't commiserating with them. He hadn't meant to fall asleep for so long, not really. But the day—no, the week—had taken its toll on him.

"Kirke's already talking about the next match," Peter replied. "Sean looked about ready to quit the team, though. Phillips has been trying to console Anne all night." He paused again. "And Ryan's been with Cynthia in the Hospital Wing. Did you know about them?" he asked.

James nodded. "Yeah, she told me this morning. It's all good."

Peter was silent for a long while, his arms behind his head as he leaned against the bed and watched James finish his sandwich. "You haven't been talking with her as much, is that why?"

"No," he said, wiping his hands on his pants. "Not really. We sort of…well, we kissed on Halloween."

Peter didn't even raise an eyebrow; he just nodded. "We figured something like that had happened. You didn't say anything, though, so we also figured you didn't want us to know."

James cringed inside. Peter wasn't being accusatory at all, and yet he still felt guilty. He hadn't told his friends, hadn't talked to them much about personal things most of the year; he mostly told them to leave him alone. "It was just a moment, and it only made things awkward between us. Not much to talk about, really."

"And what about Lily?" asked Peter, sitting up again and looking directly at him. "What's going on with her?"

"Oh, well…" James hesitated, then hold himself to stop. Why shouldn't he tell his friends? Of them all, Peter was probably the least likely to judge him, that much was certain. Sirius would give him a hard time, and Remus would try to protect him some more. Peter would do neither; he would just listen.

"I don't know, Pete," he finally said. "It's complicated."

"Why?"

"Well, we kissed too. Today. After the match."

There was a time when Peter would have gasped in disbelief; now he merely looked surprised. "But she smacked you yesterday."

James burst out laughing. "I know. It's completely mental, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is." Peter laughed with him. "And yet I'm really not surprised."

"You're not?" asked James.

"You are?" Peter countered.

"I'm not sure what to think," James murmured. "I can't figure her out."

"She probably can't figure you out either," Peter pointed out. He stopped, waiting for James to continue, and when James was quiet, he continued. "Do you like her?" he asked. "Or rather—do you still like her? Or like her again?" He grinned. "We're never sure with you."

"Me neither," said James. "But…yes, I like her. When she isn't driving me mad, which is most of the time. I swear she's had it in for me all year."

"I'm sure she has her reasons," Peter said, standing up and slipping back into his shoes. "Just like you did for turning her into a cat. Look, I'm probably the last one you should be talking to about girls, since I just lucked out with Susan, but I think you should talk to her. Before it's too late." He gathered his books, some parchment, and a quill, and headed toward the door.

"Where are you going?" James asked.

"Charms essay." He grinned rather wickedly. "We're supposed to analyze your duel."

"Brilliant," James muttered. As if it couldn't get it any worse, now the entire class would be writing about it. "I hope that doesn't include what happened yesterday."

"I'll add it at the end for extra credit." Peter laughed. "Are you staying up here?"

"I don't know," said James. "You go ahead, I'll be fine. Thanks for the food."

"You're welcome. See you later."

"Hey Pete, what did you mean, 'before it's too late'?" James asked before he left.

Peter gave him a knowing look. "Before she changes her mind about that kiss."

James did not see Lily or Sirius in the Great Hall the next morning at breakfast. He spent the rest of the morning in the library with Remus, alternatively discussing Sirius, Lily, and writing about the duel in Charms. At lunch she sat at the far end of the table, avoiding his eye and leaving quickly with her friends. He watched her leave, wanting to run after her, but afraid of getting slapped again, especially after what had happened on the castle steps.

He spent the afternoon in detention with Flitwick, cleaning the Charms classroom from corner to corner before settling into six feet of parchment on why animal transfigurations were against the dueling code of etiquette. He dozed off at least once, falling asleep on his sprained wrist and aggravating the injury all over again. He thought about going to see Madam Pomfrey when he was released, but he had already missed most of Sunday dinner.

He hurried to the Great Hall, determined to talk to Lily, no matter what she did or said. He'd had enough time to think about what had happened to know what he wanted. She had caught him completely by surprise, and yet he couldn't stop thinking about the look in her eyes as she'd taken off his glasses and kissed him. He had to know if she had meant it, because he wanted a second chance to get it right, instead of simply sitting there.

"You just missed her," Peter said as he sat down, looking around. "She left about ten minutes ago."

"Damn," James muttered. He speared some potatoes and helped himself to a large piece of chicken.

"Missed who?" asked Sirius, looking up from his plate. "Don't tell me Evans."

"I need to talk to her." James shrugged. "Head Boy stuff."

Remus gave him a skeptical look, which James blandly ignored. Sirius, however, snorted at him. "You resigned, Prongs."

Too late James realized his mistake. He covered as quickly as he could, suddenly regretting his rash decision in the Headmaster's office. He'd given up his best chance to spend time with Lily, not to mention something he had been proud of in spite of how many times he had messed up. "I just need to give her some paperwork to pass on to the next Head."

"Sure you do. Forget about her, James," Sirius said, stabbing at his meat. "Women are rubbish."

"Is that how you got that shiner?" James asked, curious about his friend's mood.

"No, that was my prat of a brother," Sirius muttered. He glanced sullenly at the Slytherin table. "I was just making a general comment about all members of the opposite sex."

Now James threw Remus a questioning look, but Remus seemed as mystified as him. James suspected something had happened with whatever girl Sirius was seeing, and it was obviously Sirius was extremely upset about it.

James didn't have time to ask him about it, though, as just then an owl flew into the hall and dropped a small package on the table in front of him. It was far too late for mail, and James frowned as he unwrapped it, hoping it wasn't something from his father, like a Howler—or worse. He shouldn't have been surprised, but when the Head Badge dropped onto the table, he glanced up at the front dais and Professor Dumbledore in disbelief.

The Headmaster merely tipped his head at him, blue eyes unreadable behind his glasses. James understood immediately, though, that as soon as he had mentioned the position with regret, the badge had come back to him. Dumbledore was certainly on top of things. With a sigh, James pinned it back to his robes and nodded at the Headmaster.

"You're mental," muttered Sirius under his breath once more.

"You're probably right," James replied, sipping his juice.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Care to tell us what's really going on with Evans, then?"

"I don't know," James replied. "When I do, I'll be sure to let you know."

"I'm telling you, James—girls are no good. Get over her. Have a shag with Harrison, but don't get it on with Evans. She's not worth it."

Remus glanced between them; Peter was watching with wide eyes. "What's going on?" James asked, lowering his voice. "We've been wondering for weeks where you've been getting off to, but you haven't told us a thing. Who is she and what the hell happened?"

Sirius put down his fork and wiped his mouth, giving James an extremely frosty look. "Let's just say it doesn't matter, okay? You won't have to worry about me sneaking around any more." He stood and left them there, all rather stunned at his angry exit.

"Whoever she is, he must have really liked her," murmured Peter. "And she must have dumped him hard."

James glanced at the Slytherin table. One of the sixth-year girls was watching Sirius as he left the hall, his head down and hands tucked into his pockets. James thought she looked a bit red-eyed and sad, and he nodded to himself, fairly certain he had just figured out what was going on. He was surprised, however, when Regulus Black began talking to the girl, leaning in close. She wiped her eyes and nodded, and with one last glance at the Entrance Hall, she returned to her meal.

He didn't say anything, but decided he would find Sirius after he talked to Lily. Finishing his dinner, he stood up to leave, then remembered something.

"Do you guys have the map? I need it."

Remus shook his head. "Padfoot's got it. Are you still looking for Lily?"

James nodded. "I really do need to talk to her."

"You're not actually going to talk about Head Boy things, though are you?" Remus asked.

"Moony, I don't know how you do it." James laughed. "No, I'm not. Wish me luck—hopefully I won't end up like Sirius in a few hours."

"Good luck!" Peter called as he left, then turned back to Remus, no doubt to talk about both him and Sirius.

He hurried back to Gryffindor, hoping to find Lily there first. She wasn't in the common room, but Mary and Sandra were sitting by the fire, talking softly. They stopped when James walked over. For some reason, he felt uncomfortable, like they were talking about him.

"Have you seen Lily?" he asked. "I need to talk to her."

Mary eyed his robes instead and pointed at his chest. "You've got your badge back."

James looked down and nodded. "Yeah, Dumbledore sent it by owl at dinner. Guess you're all stuck with me." He grinned, still nervous; he had the distinct feeling they were mad at him. "Look, I really do need to see her."

They looked at each other, and finally Sandra answered. "She's got duty tonight." When James nodded and began to turn away, she added, "With Mark."

He froze and turned back. "With Whitby?" he repeated, his heart pounding in his chest.

Sandra nodded, looking miserable. "You'd better find her fast, James. She's awfully confused."

"Me too," he muttered, then glanced up at them. "Thanks. I'll see you later."

Hurrying toward the portrait hole, James swore under his breath, then abruptly turned and dashed up the stairs to his dormitory. He didn't have the Marauder's Map, so he grabbed his invisibility cloak instead. He wasn't sure why he'd need it; for some reason, he just felt better going after Lily if she didn't know he was looking for her.

He hurried toward the library, but a quick glance around told him she wasn't there. He went back upstairs and checked the prefects' bathroom, then walked in on Alan Diggory and Julie Higgins in the lounge. Ignoring them, he went back to the first floor, hoping he might find her patrolling the classrooms. He didn't even run into Peeves.

Hurrying toward the main staircase, James stopped short in his tracks and instinctively threw on his cloak. Lily was sitting at the base of the stairs, and she was sitting with Mark Whitby. Her head was on his shoulder, and as he stared at them, Mark put his arm around her shoulder. James could see the look of longing on the Ravenclaw's face and knew his own face was probably mirroring that same look. Lily dashed a tear from her face and smiled sadly, but before he could witness anything else, James turned and ran away, breathing quickly.

He was both furious and crushed. He had set out to find her, tell her how he felt, figure out their mess of a relationship once and for all; instead he had found her with her ex-boyfriend. His heart thumped in his chest, beating rapidly as he tried to control his emotions. Why had she kissed him only to go back to Mark? Why had she come to him in the rain, said all the things she'd said, and yet had refused to look at him since?

He wanted to trust her, he really did, but he felt used. He felt like she had been playing with him just to see him hurt and humiliated. He was embarrassed for even considering some of the things he had been considering, and he was angry for letting himself get pulled in by his feelings for her.

He threw off the cloak to find Sirius waiting for him outside the Gryffindor portrait hole. Sirius waved the Marauder's Map and gave him a bitter smile. "I told you women were rubbish."

"Shut it, Padfoot."

"I've just replaced our stash," Sirius continued, ignoring him completely and holding up his shoulder bag. "Care to join me for a bit of refreshment?"

James frowned. "You went to Hogsmeade? By yourself?"

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," Sirius murmured, leading the way through the portrait hole. James saw Mary and Sandra glance up at him, but he pointedly looked away and followed Sirius upstairs to the dormitory without another word. Sirius tossed the bag on his bed and took out several bottles of Steaming Stout.

Raising a bottle, he gave a mocking toast. "To a better tomorrow, free of feminine guile."

James drank with him, once again wondering what had happened to Sirius that had driven him into Hogsmeade alone. And he wondered how he could possibly work with Lily now that he had his badge back—but not her.

End Notes:

Thank you, Lea!