Chapter Sixteen

She didn't see him for the rest of the day.

The rain eventually stopped, and Lily wandered around the grounds in the mist, alone with her thoughts. Her eyes kept glancing back toward the castle steps where she had impulsively, foolishly, amazingly kissed James. It seemed so long ago, though it had only been hours.

He didn't come to the Great Hall for dinner, and Lily couldn't help but wonder if he was avoiding her or just tired and upset from the match. He wasn't in the common room that night either, and she stayed up late sitting by the fire, hoping he might come down so that she could talk to him, but he never did.

By the next morning, Lily was convinced she had done the wrong thing and completely ruined any sort of relationship they had or might ever have. She skipped breakfast and spent the morning sprawled out on her bed, working on her schoolwork, alternately staring out the window and staring listlessly at her textbooks. Her heart did a double take when she saw James at lunch, but at the same time, she was now too embarrassed to look at him, certain he must be upset with her. She finished her lunch and left as quickly as she could, settling down in the library with Mary to work on her Charms essay about the duel that had started—or ruined—it all.

She ate dinner early and hurried back to Gryffindor for a jumper before leaving again for her set of rounds that night. Mark had duty as well, and she dreaded running into him, though she suspected it would be inevitable. It hadn't even been a week since he had broken up with her, sure there was something going on between her and James. It stung that Mark had seen the situation more clearly than she had; she only hoped she hadn't hurt him by going out with him in the first place, when her feelings had obviously been for someone else.

She roamed the corridors, barely paying attention to what was going on around her, trying to put James Potter from her mind once and for all. It could never work out between them anyway: he was nothing like the sort of man she pictured herself with. She had always taken him for an arrogant, pig-headed prat who just messed around, sloughed off his studies, and pulled pranks. And while he had done all those things once, as a first-year and a third-year and even a fifth-year…as a sixth-year he had saved lives. And as a seventh-year he was keeping up with N.E.W.T.s and Head Boy duties just as well as she was. He was even occasionally pleasant…when they weren't yelling, dueling, or slapping one another, of course. In some ways, everything he had said the previous day was true: she couldn't seem to let go of what he used to be, rather than who he was now.

What did she want? Someone smart, studious, and responsible. Someone good and kind and fun—not someone she fought with all the time, who had hexed her in class, who had ignored her ever since their one and only kiss. Someone like Mark, whom she liked, but apparently not enough to forget about the boy she tried so hard not to think about so much.

What had Dumbledore said to her? No one can see their reflection in running water. It is only in still water that we can see. She had thought about it and thought about it, and decided he must be talking about her challenging relationship with James. If they just stopped fighting and were civil, maybe they would see something different in one another. It had happened before, on those rare occasions when they had had a pleasant conversation—in the prefects' bathroom, the common room. It was recalling those moments that had finally led her to find him after the Quidditch match…and in stilling her heart, she had seen the truth.

But it had been raining. The water hadn't stilled, it had been crashing down around her, and she had still gone and kissed him. Now her feet took her toward the Entrance Hall, where Lily stood at the door and looked across the grounds, remembering a moment that had been lost in the hospital wing, but found again on the front steps.

"What are you looking at?" asked a soft voice behind her.

Lily yelped in surprise, and Mark took her arm to steady her with a sheepish smile. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." He gazed at her with concern. "Are you all right? You look upset about something."

Lily swallowed hard and cleared her throat before answering. "Yes, I'm fine. You just startled me. How are you?"

Mark smiled warmly. "I'm okay. I was hoping to run into you tonight, to be honest."

"Why?" she asked in surprise.

"I miss you," he replied honestly, and Lily felt a pang of guilt that she had hardly thought about him with so many other things on her mind. "And I heard what happened last week in Charms. Are you sure you're all right?"

Lily turned and walked toward the main staircase. She sat down on the bottom step and let her chin fall into her hands. "I am, yes. It wasn't particularly pleasant, though."

Mark sat down next to her—not to close, not too far, just like he had in the prefects' lounge when he had first asked her out. "I'm sure it wasn't. So what really happened?"

"James Potter turned me into a cat." She shrugged. "We were dueling, I cast a Hurling Hex, and he cast an animal Transfiguration spell."

"I suppose a remark about the complexity of the spell itself would be a bit too Ravenclaw of me, wouldn't it?" he asked, an amused look on his face.

"Yes, it would!" Lily laughed in spite of herself. "And I don't particularly feel like talking about it."

He nodded and was silent, but Lily knew he probably wanted to talk more. She waited for it, to see how much he would ask.

"I saw Potter after class that day, you know. He said to tell you he was sorry." Mark shook his head. "He said he'd just turned my girlfriend into a cat. I had no idea what he was talking about."

An awkward silence filled the air between them. Lily didn't know what to say, considering she hadn't been Mark's girlfriend at the time. Apparently James hadn't known; she wondered if he thought she was still with Mark, even after their kiss in the rain.

"Are you still angry with him?" Mark asked. "I heard about what happened in the Entrance Hall as well."

Lily laughed bitterly this time. "Yes, it's been quite a week for Hogwarts gossip." She stopped, and when he kept watching her expectantly, she finally sighed. "Yes, I'm mad at him. Or least a part of me is. It was bloody awful."

"Then…" Mark trailed off and looked away, as if reluctant to say what was really on his mind. He finally took a deep breath and plunged on. "Was I wrong? Was I wrong about what I said last week?"

Lily looked at him in surprise. "You mean about breaking up with me?"

"No, I mean about…Potter."

"Oh." Now Lily glanced away, unable to meet his eyes. She understood too well what he was asking, and hated having to tell him anything that would be untrue. She decided to be as honest as she could, without hurting him even more.

"I don't know, Mark," she said softly. "It's complicated."

He was quiet again. "He got his badge back, you know. Tonight at dinner."

She nodded, both surprised and relieved. Surprised he had taken it, and relieved he hadn't really quit because of her and would be coming back. Mark sounded disappointed, probably because she would still be working with the one person he saw as a rival. The silence stretched uncomfortably between them.

"I'm sorry," she finally whispered. "I don't know what else to say."

"I know," he murmured. "I should be apologizing. It's none of my business. I do hope you figure out what you want, though—and if it's him, that he treats you right."

Lily sighed and laid her head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her, and she wiped her eyes, determined not to cry. Smiling sadly, she was about to speak when she heard a noise down the corridor and sat up straight instead. She didn't see anyone, and idly hoped that James hadn't gone by and seen her with Mark. The last thing she needed were any more miscommunications.

Mark finally took his arm from around her and stood, holding out his hand to help her up. She looked up him and smiled, then stood to leave as well. "Thank you," she murmured, placing a hand to his face. "You're a good man."

She could see the surprise in his eyes, and then the realization that he still wasn't him, the one she was really thinking about. Swallowing awkwardly, Lily nodded in understanding, knowing it hurt, then turned to go. He called out after her.

"Be careful, Lily," he said. "I know how hard it is to have feelings for someone who doesn't feel the same way."

What was supposed to be a show of support and understanding instead felt like a slap in the face. First, because she knew Mark still liked her, even though she didn't return his feelings.

And second, because she was terrified he might be right, and James felt nothing for her at all.

It had been the longest week ever. James had done a remarkably good job of avoiding her both in the Great Hall and the common room for days. In their classes together, she had caught him staring at her several times, only to watch him look away and ignore her every time she tried to smile back. The few times she had talked to him, it had been stilted and awkward, and Lily imagined the entire castle was whispering about them and the strange tension that had sprung up between them.

Throwing down her book in disgust, Lily finally stood and smoothed her dress. Professor Slughorn had invited the Slug Club to his rooms for dessert, but the thought of spending the night socializing without talking to James first—even if she ended up shouting at him, like they so often did—was too much to bear. It had gone on long enough: they had to sort it out before the prefects' meeting the next day or Lily would explode.

"I'm going early," she told Sandra and Mary. "I'll see you later." They gave her a surprised wave as she hurried from the dorm and went down to the common room.

Remus was sitting with Peter and Susan, a bored look on his face. He gave her a grateful smile as she came up to them, apparently glad for the company.

"Hi, Lily," he said, turning away from Peter and Susan, who were engaged in a heated discussion about the newest wizarding rock group to hit the wireless. "How are you?"

Lily gave him a pointed look. "Terrible. Where's James?"

"Out with Sirius," Remus shrugged. "Again."

"Again?" asked Lily.

"Third time this week," said Remus. "Apparently they are still bonding over their mutual disgruntlement over women." He paused and gave her a sheepish look when he realized what he had implied. "No offense."

Lily crumpled into the chair next to Remus. "Oh, Remus, really? Is he that mad at me?"

Remus glanced back at Peter and Susan, who weren't listening at all. He lowered his voice anyway. "He thinks so, but I think he's hurt, more than anything."

"And that why he's been avoiding me?" asked Lily.

"Probably," said Remus. "And Sirius isn't helping, that's for sure."

Lily didn't understand what Sirius had to do with it, but she wasn't as concerned about him. Assuming Remus knew what had happened after the Quidditch match, she decided to open up a bit. "But why is he so upset? I wasn't trying to hurt him."

"And getting back with Mark Whitby was supposed to make him relieved somehow?" asked Remus, his voice laced with light sarcasm.

"But I'm not back with Mark!" Lily exclaimed. It came out much louder than she had intended, and several people glanced at her. "I'm not. Why would he think I am?"

"Because he saw you together," replied Remus. "On the main staircase, last weekend." He frowned. "You're not with Mark again?"

"No, I'm not," she replied. "Is that why James has been so distant all week?"

Remus nodded. "Of course. You can't snog a bloke and run off to your ex-boyfriend the next day, Lily. It's a real kick in the arse. We always assume the worst—especially when Sirius is around."

Lily just stared at him, speechless. It was a wonder James wasn't more furious at her, or hadn't cursed her into a cat again. If he thought she had kissed him only to get back with Mark the next day, he must be even more confused than she was, and certainly hurt and angry. She had to talk to him. Immediately.

"Remus, if you see him, can you tell him? Tell him I'm not seeing Mark, and that I really need to talk to him after Slug Club?" Lily gave him a pleading look. "Please?"

"I'll do my best," Remus said skeptically. "If I can pry him away from Sirius long enough to listen."

Lily stood and shook her head. "You'll have to tell me what's going on with Black some time. I have to go. Thanks, Remus."

She left the common room, her mind filled with so many thoughts she hardly knew what to think or feel. But more than anything, she felt a burgeoning of hope, that maybe the last week had all been due to a misunderstanding, and that they could finally clear it up and move on. She felt a small smile tug at her lips as she imagined what kissing James might feel like a second time…

Lily found herself outside Slughorn's rooms without even knowing how she got there. Anastasia Harrison had already arrived and was flirting outrageously with Jackson Robertson, who looked extremely uncomfortable as she kept stepping closer and he kept moving away.

A snide remark came to mind, but Lily restrained herself. She had sometimes wondered why Anastasia was in the Slug Club, but her father was the Head of the Department of Magical Law, and everyone knew Slughorn liked his connections regardless of the personality of the students involved. Of course, he also prized the best and brightest, which was how Lily had got her invitation, and though Anastasia was a bit of a tramp, she was also brilliant at Charms.

Regulus Black arrived with Arlienne Lestrange, who seemed annoyed with her housemate and immediately began talking to Anastasia instead. Jackson looked relieved and gave Lily a lopsided grin that she couldn't help but return. Regulus stood by himself, frowning at Arlienne, until Severus Snape appeared with Dante Avery, and they began murmuring softly away from the rest of the group. Lily sighed as Severus nodded in her direction; even after so long, it was still awkward for them.

Sean Holmes arrived next, and Lily was glad to see a familiar face; all the other Gryffindors in Professor Slughorn's select group had left Hogwarts. They began talking about classes. Sean asked several questions about O.W.L.s, and Lily tried to reassure him that the Potions exam was not nearly as difficult as rumour had it. Dirk Cresswell and Adrian Wentworth arrived soon after from Hufflepuff; the only one missing now was Slughorn himself.

As they waited, Lily heard someone mention James Potter. Her ears pricked up, and she couldn't help but glance around to see who was speaking. It was Anastasia, and she was still talking with Arlienne Lestrange.

"Slytherin may have won the match, but I thought Gryffindor played better. James was brilliant."

Arlienne gave her a sly smile. "You sound like you fancy him."

Anastasia flipped her hair over her shoulder and smiled. Lily had the distinct impression the Ravenclaw was trying to get everyone's attention-including Dante Avery, who was glaring at her. "I think he fancies me. He almost kissed me after a prefects' meeting."

Lily couldn't help but snort. Anastasia gave her a positively venomous look. "Something stuck in your throat, Evans?"

"Your story," Lily laughed. "As I heard it, James turned you down not once, but twice after a prefects' meeting."

Anastasia's face colored, and she tossed her hair again. "He was tempted. He won't be able to resist next time."

"I doubt that," Lily murmured, turning back to Sean. He was watching the exchange rather wide-eyed.

"At least he talks to me," Anastasia snapped at her back. "You just row with him all the time."

Lily felt her heart speed up and tried to stay calm. It was true, but she wasn't going to let anyone see that it bothered her. Not now, not when her and James were so close.

"I think the only thing he's ever said to you is 'no'," she tossed over her shoulder. "Good luck with the one-sided conversation."

"Oh, we'll have plenty to talk about now," said Anastasia, her eyes narrowing as she grinned triumphantly. "He's going to tutor me privately in Transfiguration. He is the best, after all. You should know."

Lily felt her face go white as she whirled on Anastasia, who simply gave her a smug, winning look. Lily couldn't believe it. James had agreed to give Anastasia Transfiguration lessons? What was he thinking? How could he do that?

Professor Slughorn arrived at that moment, walking into a silent corridor heavy with tension. Glancing around, his eyes fell first on her and then Anastasia. He frowned, but waved it away with an awkward chuckle.

"I appear to have made an untimely entrance, but seeing as I'm already late, I'm afraid I'm going to have to interrupt whatever fascinating discussion you may have been engaged in and invite you all inside now." He grinned and opened the door, holding it for them as they entered, each with their own simpering greeting.

"What kept you, sir?" asked Regulus.

Slughorn raised an eyebrow and shook his head. "Your brother, actually. Dueling in the corridors again—and not even with Slytherin this time. Fortunately our Head Boy was able to head off most of the conflict, but I'm afraid he's still got quite a detention coming to him."

Lily noticed that Arlienne stopped and frowned. Regulus glanced at her, but continued inside without saying anything. Lily stayed back, curious if she knew more. Remus had said James was with Sirius. What had happened, and what had James done to stop it?

"Are you okay?" she asked the Slytherin girl as they entered Slughorn's rooms. Arlienne glanced at her in surprise; she was a year below, and they had only talked in Slug Club, and not that often at that. Yet Lily sensed that Arlienne was bothered by Slughorn's offhand comment about Sirius, and she wondered how James was involved.

Arlienne recovered quickly, though. "Yes, I'm fine. Are you?"

"What do you mean?" Lily asked, confused even though she could guess what the other girl was referring to. She halfway admired Arlienne's deft ability to turn the conversation away from herself.

"Anastasia, of course." Arlienne paused. "Or rather her and James Potter."

Lily stared at her as Arlienne leaned in close. "She made that last up. She's just trying to get to you. Don't let her."

"Um, thanks," Lily murmured, making her way to her regular place at the table as everyone settled down for Slughorn's customary dessert of custard and raspberry torte. She spent a good part of the evening watching Anastasia Harrison flirt with just about everyone there, including Slughorn. She couldn't help but exchange a few amused glances with Arlienne, and even caught Severus's eye when Anastasia leaned across him to taste a bit of Jackson Robertson's dish.

The Slug Club had been fun once, a chance to dine and rub elbows with Hogwarts' elite. When she and Severus had been invited fifth year they had been almost giddy with excitement. Sixth year had been awkward, as their broken friendship had ended the shared laughs. Now seventh year was almost tedious, as the number of uncomfortable relationships within the group —not to mention the increased animosity between Slytherin and the other houses—destroyed the sense of community they had once shared.

Lily couldn't wait until the night was over, although she was far less interested in talking to James now after her run-in with Harrison. One by one the group began to return to their dorms, but Lily lingered behind, hoping she might talk to Slughorn. She was really just trying to put off the inevitable. Professor Slughorn was too wrapped up in his conversation with Dirk Creswell, however, and Lily finally gave up, walking slowly toward the door, dreading her conversation with James.

To her surprise, James was outside, only he was not alone. Anastasia was standing in front of him, head cocked seductively as she ran her hand along his arm. He followed her fingers down toward his wrist, which was apparently still sore because he flinched and pulled back. Glancing up, he saw Lily staring at them, mouth open, and he stepped around Anastasia without another word to her.

"Lily!" he called, as she turned the other way and began walking quickly down the corridor even though it was the opposite direction from Gryffindor. "Wait, Lily!"

She didn't stop; she couldn't. Just seeing him with her after everything Anastasia had said sent her into an abrupt tailspin. He wasn't ignoring her because of Mark; he was ignoring her because he was more interested in that bint of a Ravenclaw. She had been a fool to think that a simple message from Remus would clear things up. In fact, it was probably worse, since James would now have to let her down in person after all.

"It's okay, James," she threw over her shoulder without slowing down. "I understand. You can go back to your snogging lesson with Anastasia."

"What are you talking about?" he called. "I'm not with her! Please wait!"

Lily stopped, suddenly struck by how much the scene was playing out like the one in the rain, only in reverse. James was chasing after her this time, but she had no intention of stopping to let him kiss her. It had just been an impulsive hope, an impossible dream.

Turning around, she crossed her hands over her chest. "I know you're tutoring her, Potter. Go ahead. It doesn't matter to me who you tutor or who you snog, for that matter."

"What?" he repeated, shaking his head in confusion. "I'm not tutoring or snogging anyone! Lily, Remus said you wanted to talk to me. He said it was important."

Lily turned from him. "He was wrong, it's not. I just wanted to remind you to bring the roster for the December train ride to the meeting tomorrow. You still haven't gone over it."

She walked away, holding her head as high as she could. She could feel James staring at her retreating back, picture him frowning as he walked toward Anastasia Harrison and her triumphant smirk. A small part of her wanted James to run after her, to grab her hand and pull her into a deep, passionate kiss right there in the corridor as he not only apologized, but proclaimed his deep feelings for her. Yet she could imagine that he was probably too leery of getting slapped again, and she couldn't blame him: another part of her wanted to smack him for getting involved in any way with Anastasia Harrison.

A third part of her cried inside, her heart breaking. She had taken a chance and seen it fail. For the second time in as many weeks she felt rejected and alone. Mark had left her because of her feelings for James Potter, but it was clear James did not feel the same.

She suddenly understood why James had turned in his badge: they really couldn't work together. She didn't know how she would face him at the next prefects' meeting, but she had to. She had to get over him and move on, even if it was the hardest thing she ever did. It just wasn't meant to be.

End Notes:

A round of applause for mugglegirlmaurder, please! When I said I needed this, this, and this to happen but wasn't sure where or when, she suggested the Slug Club. Hopefully I've done her suggestion justice.

Dumbledore's quote is a Taoist proverb I found online.

A small part of me wants to apologize for the constant angst, but that's just how the story goes. This chapter deliberately mirrors the previous one in terms of their miscommunications and misconceptions. I did say it would be a bit more antagonostic than usual. Sometimes I wonder if I should be writing whangsty vampire romance or soap operas instead (er, no offense, lol!)

Beware, though: you may hate me before it's over. And heed the rating: there are sexual situations in the next chapter.