Chapter Twenty-Five
Lily heard a familiar voice calling her. She felt the dim warmth of sun tickling her eyes and slowly but reluctantly opened them. She looked up to find James leaning over her, gently shaking her shoulder with a deeply concerned look on his face. He sighed in relief as he stepped back and took her hand to help her sit.
"Thank goodness," he said. His voice sounded slightly muffled, and Lily noticed an odd fuzziness to him, as if she couldn't quite focus. "That's the first step, anyway."
"The first step of what?" she asked, shaking her head to clear it of the fogginess that seemed to have hold of her. What had happened? Where was she?
James had his left arm strapped to his chest, as if he had injured it. Was it from Quidditch? No, there had there been an attack…but that wasn't right. He'd been hit in the face in Hogsmeade, and she'd hurt her knee. Why did she feel like she'd been run over by a herd of Hippogriffs instead then? And how had he hurt his shoulder? Starting to panic, Lily grasped at James's good hand and glanced around. It looked a bit like the hospital wing at Hogwarts, only it was smaller, and completely empty: where was everyone else? Sirius, Andrew, Sandra?
"What happened?" she asked. "What's going on?"
He squeezed her hand and urged her back toward the pillow, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear.
"We were attacked," he said. "But you're going to be all right-we all are."
"In Hogsmeade?" she asked, still confused. "But your face—where are the others-and Kieran? I thought he—" She stopped at the look on James's face.
"Not Hogsmeade," he said softly, frowning. "Diagon Alley. Don't you remember?"
She stared at him, tears starting to prick at the corners of her eyes in fear as she shook her head. Had she lost her memory? How?
James sat on the side of the bed and pulled her into a warm embrace. He stroked her hair and murmured to her, though he seemed slightly hesitant. She wondered why he was holding her if he was so uncomfortable, but it felt good, and she breathed deep as she tried to relax. Finally she pulled back and looked into his face.
"Tell me what happened," she said. "Why don't I remember?"
"You were hit by a Soporus Spell," he said, stepping away and pulling over the chair next to her bed. "In Diagon Alley. We were there together when we were attacked—"
"Wait, we were together?" Lily interrupted. "In Diagon Alley—as in, on a date?"
James grinned, but there was a sad, bittersweet quality to it. "Yeah, our first one. Hell of a way to start, right? You really don't remember anything since Hogsmeade-Hogwarts, Quidditch, Charms class, the prefects' lounge?"
Lily stared hard at him, willing herself to remember, to focus on his still blurry face. Her brain felt like it was wrapped in cotton; she had to force her way through a jumble of memories to find anything meaningful, but slowly things started to come back to her. "I'm Head Girl," she finally said, then glanced at him in surprise as she remembered the train ride to Hogwarts and several prickly prefects' meetings. "And you're Head Boy!"
James nodded, obviously pleased to see her remembering. "I am. Good. The Healers said any memory loss would be temporary. It's sort of like when you wake up and can't remember what you were dreaming about, only you can't remember what you were living."
Lily shook her head, still trying to make sense of it all. "But why are we at Hogwarts if we were attacked in Diagon Alley? At least, it sort of looks like Hogwarts…" She glanced around the room again, bewildered by this cold, empty version of the hospital wing.
"We're actually in St. Mungo's," James answered. "Like I said, you were hit with a Soporus Spell, a Sleeping Curse. Frank Longbottom gave you some fluxweed to keep you from falling into too deep a sleep. Some people dream they are living years in the past, but apparently you've only gone back about six months, to the attack in Hogsmeade."
"Six months!" she exclaimed. She couldn't wrap her mind around it, that she could only remember bits and pieces of the last six months.
"It's December now. We were Christmas shopping," James said. "We met at the Leaky Cauldron for lunch." He took her hand again. "Look, it will come back to you much quicker if you just wake up."
"Wake up?" she asked, thoroughly confused. "I am awake."
"No, not really," he replied, shaking his head. "You only think you are. That's the nature of the spell. You think you're awake only you're not-your body is still asleep and your mind is tricking you into feeling as if you are awake. People can lie trapped in their dreams for months, if not years."
"So I'm dreaming all this?" she asked skeptically. She had heard of the spell in Defense Against the Dark Arts, but had never expected to experience it. It was Dark Magic, something they read about but certainly never tried. She didn't believe him, which the rational part of her brain told her was a big part of the problem in recovering from such a spell.
"No, you're not dreaming this, not exactly." James ran his free hand through his hair and scratched at the arm strapped to his robes. "I'm actually here, inside your mind. The Healers said it was probably the best way to wake you up, since you weren't responding to them."
Lily felt her eyes go wide. "And I'm supposed to respond to you?" she murmured. For some reason, the thought bothered her-no, embarrassed her. More flashes of memory began to come back to her: a kiss in the rain, a warm caress in the prefects' lounge…
"You're supposed to believe me," James replied earnestly. "Lily, I would never lie to you. Your body is still asleep in St. Mungo's. Your parents are worried. You need to wake up."
Lily just stared at him once more, refusing to believe it. She pushed the blankets away from her, and in spite of her body's protests, she swung her legs over the side of the bed. "Look, I'm awake. I can walk, I can talk. I'm not under some spell."
"Yes, you are!" he cried, jumping up and beginning to pace. "You have to trust me, Lily. I'm just trying to help you-I'm trying to save you."
"You've already saved me," she replied. "You brought me here, didn't you?"
He stopped and stared at her. "Do you remember?" he asked.
She nodded. "It's starting to come back-some of it. Was Sirius there? Is he all right?"
"Yes!" James came back to her. "And he's worried too, everyone is. Sandra and Mary have been by, Remus and Peter sent flowers even though-" He stopped himself with an embarrassed frown, and she raised an eyebrow at his discomfort. "My dad is here right now, sitting next to your mother. Your dad is in the hallway, pacing like a lion. They're all waiting for us."
Lily glanced around the room once more. Once again, she noticed that it was completely empty of just about anything—there was still no one else in the room with them, no matter how hard she looked, no matter how much she wanted to believe him that her parents were right there with her. A sudden thought came to her.
"How do I know you're not trying to trick me?" she asked, standing up and moving away as she studied the room. Her legs felt weak, but she willed herself to stay upright. "How do I know this isn't part of the curse itself, your being here?"
"Because I'm real, Lily!" James exclaimed, waving his hand about. "I'm here, I'm trying to help you!"
She shook her head. "Prove it."
With two quick strides he closed the distance between them and kissed her. She gasped as small bursts of electricity shot through her body, rippling from her head to her toes. Her heart beat wildly in her chest as James held her tight with his good arm and kissed her so hard she felt dizzy. Something clicked in her mind, and she stepped back, hand to her lips, about ready to collapse.
"That didn't feel like a dream," she whispered.
He simply nodded, his eyes pleading with her to believe him.
"That was real," she said, though she was desperately uncertain. "That felt real."
"Only because I'm here, in your mind," he said. "I'm not a memory, not a figment of your imagination. But physically, it wasn't real. We only experienced in our minds."
She laughed nervously and took another unsteady step around the room, searching for something that looked right, trying to remember more. "My dreams don't feel like that," she finally said.
James caught up with her. "Lily, it's not a dream, not exactly. Dreams are things you make up. You're actually living inside your head. Please believe me, it's the curse that's making you doubt it. Here, open the door."
She narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously. "Why?"
"Have you ever been to St. Mungo's?" he asked. She shook her head. "Then when you open that door, there will be nothing there. Empty. You have no memory to put out there, and although some people fill in the blanks, you won't."
"Why not?" she asked.
He took her hand and placed in on the doorknob under his. "Because I know you believe me. Now you just have to trust in yourself and wake up."
Lily took a deep breath and nodded. They pulled open the door, and she felt her stomach drop. It was dark, endless empty darkness. There was nothing to be seen: no Hogswarts corridors, no students—no Healers, nothing. She stepped back with a small sound, terrified and angry at the same time: frightened to think that she was really trapped in a spell, and upset that James might actually be right.
He tried to put his arm around her and support her, but she pushed him away and stumbled back to the bed. She pulled the covers over her and curled up, too unsettled to even think straight. The room seemed even more fuzzy, and James was drifting in and out of focus when she finally looked at him. His voice sounded far away as he gazed down at her.
"Wake up, Lily. Please wake up." He seemed only a vague outline now. "I can't stay here any longer, it's taking too much effort."
Lily reached out to him, but he faded completely, still pleading with her to awake, and with a gasp she bolted upright, shutting her eyes against the crisp bright light of the overhead lamp. She sucked in deep breaths of air, willing herself not to panic, not to cry. But it was cold, and bright, and so, so loud; a sob escaped her.
"It's all right, honey," said a caring voice next to her, a familiar voice. She opened her eyes to gaze into the smiling face of her mother. She threw her arms around her mum's neck, and her mother rubbed her back, much as she had done when Lily was a child and woke in the middle of the night from nightmares. She made shushing noises and kissed her daughter's head.
"You're all right, Lily," repeated her mother, pulling back to gaze into her eyes. "You're awake."
"For real?" Lily murmured. A Healer hovered over her and began checking over her with her wand, murmuring the spells that would give her Lily's vital signs; a second Healer moved away toward another bed.
"For real," said the Healer, looking up and smiling. "It's good to see you awake, Ms. Evans. I think you're going to be all right now."
"Wait—what about James? Where is he? He was there, he was trying to tell me…" She stopped at the look on her mother's face. "He was, mum. He was there, in my dream, only he said it wasn't quite like a dream, it was-"
"I know, dear," said Mrs. Evans, quieting her with a smile. "I believe you. And James is fine, he's right behind you."
Lily turned and saw a second bed in the room. James was lying there, apparently still asleep, and a man she could only assume was his father was sitting on the far side of his bed. The second Healer was talking softly as he performed the the same routine over James.
"He did what he set out to do, then," said Mr. Potter with a small smile. He looked tired but relieved as he glanced up and inclined his head toward Lily. "Harrington Potter. It's nice to meet you, Lily. I'm glad you're feeling better."
Lily shook her head, still puzzled "Thank you, Mr. Potter. I feel much better, but what about James? Why is he still asleep?"
As if he heard her, James groaned in answer. "Because you've given me a bigger headache than a bottle of Firewhiskey, that's why." He started to sit up, the Healer helping him carefully so as not to bother his arm, which was taped to his chest just as it had been in her dream. He looked pale and worn-out, as if the effort of coming into her mind had completely drained him.
"Thank you," she whispered from her bed. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," he replied. "Although there's not that much to thank." He leaned back against the pillows looking exhausted. With a puzzled frown, Lily looked to Mr. Potter.
"Please, I don't really understand what's happened." She hoped he could explain it better and tell her why James was so exhausted.
James nodded at his dad before closing his eyes. Harrington Potter moved his chair so that he could sit in between them, shuffling somewhat slowly; her mum settled at the foot of her bed, and with a murmured reminder to keep things calm, the Healers left them, promising to return and check on them again once they had settled back in.
"Well, you were hit with a Sleeping Curse," said Mr. Potter. "You've been living in the past for the last five days, not even aware you were asleep."
"Yes, James told me that," said Lily. "He said he'd come into my mind to wake me up because I wasn't responding to the Healers."
"You weren't responding at all, and we were getting a bit worried, to be honest. It was a decent curse, but not so strong that you should have gone that far under. Yet you seemed fairly content wherever you were." Mr. Potter paused and Lily flushed; he shook his head, for apparently she had misinterpreted him.
"No, I'm not trying to be flippant," he said, sounding very serious. "Most people go back to a point before the curse when they were happy. And they just keep reliving it, over and over, without ever realizing that they are really still asleep. The stronger the memory, the more difficult it is to pull them out."
Lily's mum took hold of her hand and squeezed tightly. She tried to give her mum an encouraging smile, but struggled with her own realization: it was a horrific curse, something that could doom a person to their bed forever if they refused to come out of it. What was odd was that she hadn't gone back to a happy point in her life: she'd gone back to the last time she'd been attacked, believing she was asleep in the hospital wing at Hogwarts.
"So why did James have to come into my mind?" she asked. "And how did he do it?"
"It wasn't easy," James muttered from his bed, his good arm now flung across his face.
"It's not," agreed Mr. Potter. "It's a difficult spell, and the Healers were reluctant to share it with him. It took him two days to finally cast it well enough for them to let him try, and they still had to help him a good deal."
"Why didn't they just do it?" she asked, confused.
"You ignored them, Evans," said James, still not looking over at her. "Didn't even hear them, because you were asleep in your own dream. They wanted someone who knew you at school, before it was too late."
"And you came in after me." Lily just stared at him, stunned that he would do so much for her. Certainly there had to be others who could have cast the spell, someone who knew her, someone she would have listened to-a professor, perhaps. Then she thought of how James had convinced her he was telling her the truth, and she knew it could have only been him.
"''Course I did," he half-shrugged, refusing to meet her eyes. "It's my fault any of this even happened." He sounded more defeated than she'd ever heard him, and she was worried. Did he really blame himself? Was that the only reason he'd come after her?
Before she could say anything else, the door flew open, and Sirius stepped in with her father. Sirius went to James's side while her dad rushed to Lily's bed. She threw her arms around him, burying her face in his shoulder and trying to hold back the tears once more.
"Hey, what about me?" asked Sirius from where he was standing by James. "I helped too."
Lily pulled back from her father and laughed. "What about you, Black? You were unconscious half the time."
"I got in a good shot or two," he replied, sounding defensive. Then he winked, and everyone laughed.
Her father turned to James, who had sat up straighter in his bed again and tried to comb down his hair a bit. It stood up anyway, black against his pale face and tired eyes. Mr. Evans held out his hand, and James took it, looking unusually nervous.
"You're a good man, James. That's twice you've proved that. Thank you."
Lily smiled gratefully, but James avoided looking at her and simply nodded. As her father turned toward her, she saw James lean back in his bed and close his eyes again. She exchanged a questioning glance with Sirius, who shook his head, either unsure what was wrong or telling her not to bring it up just then. Unfortunately, after that all her attention was given to her mum and dad, who asked her question after question until she finally had to beg off, too mentally exhausted to continue in spite of having been asleep for five days.
"All right, sweetheart," her mum said, leaning down to kiss her forehead. "We'll leave you alone for a bit and get something to eat, how's that? Check back in an hour or so?"
"Thank you," Lily said, pulling the covers over her arms. In spite of feeling tremendously glad to be back, she was still overwhelmed and needed time to process what had happened. She also wanted to talk to James and was fairly certain her mother could sense that, because she turned to Mr. Potter with a smile.
"Care to join us, Harrington?" she asked. "You've been sitting here just as long as we have, you should get out a bit."
Harrington Potter stood and smiled. "I'd like that. I just left this place, and it would nice to get out for a bit. Thank you for the invitation." He started toward the door with them, but James suddenly sat up straighter.
"Dad, no!" he called out. Everyone turned to look at him in surprise. James flushed, bringing splotchy color to his pale face. "I mean, do you mind staying? Maybe have dinner out another night?"
Mr. Potter exchanged a look with Sirius, who nodded ever so slightly. "I've been sitting here all day, James. I could do with some fresh air. We'll be back soon. Sirius, keep an eye on them," he added.
Lily watched curiously as Mr. Potter and Sirius exchanged another look. Her father frowned, as if unsure about leaving them alone, but Mr. Potter distracted him with a question, and the three adults soon left. James watched them go, then rolled over and closed his eyes. Lily couldn't help but feel like he was shutting her out. She needed to go to him.
Throwing back the covers, Lily gingerly pulled her legs over the side of the bed. She'd been lying there for five days and felt stiff and sore. Her feet touched the cold floor with a gasp, but as she stood to put her weight on them, she found herself clutching at the edge of the bed to keep from falling, her strength almost gone.
"Evans!" Sirius exclaimed, suddenly there to help her stand. Apparently she wasn't quite ready to get out of bed, let alone walk across the room, even if she had managed it in her dream. James didn't even turn and look at her, though, his breathing soft and steady, and she bit back tears, wondering what she had done wrong.
"Is he okay?" she whispered to Sirius as he helped her back into bed. "Why isn't he even looking at me? Did I do something wrong? Did I—" She stopped when he shook his head.
He murmured a soft spell over the bed, but stayed close and quiet when he finally answered. "He's just had a rough couple of days. Give him some time."
"What do you mean?" Lily demanded. "What's wrong? What else happened?"
"Other than being attacked by Death Eaters, getting his shoulder sliced open, being hit by an Unforgivable Curse, watching you lie here unconscious for five days, and going after you with an advanced Healing spell?" Sirius gave a soft, bitter laugh. "Other than all that, nothing else happened. He's simply exhausted."
"But he won't even look at me," she repeated. "Why?"
Sirius was silent for a long moment, gazing at James's back. It was obvious now that he was sleeping; maybe he really was just exhausted from the spell, from the attack, from everything. Yet Lily knew, somehow, that there was more, and Sirius's silence confirmed it.
"Tell me," she said. "Please."
Sirius sighed. "I think he blames himself, Lily," he finally answered. "And not just for you getting hit—for the attack itself, for your date, for everything." He paused. "He blames himself for not being there for his dad, and probably a hundred other things I can't guess at. He's overwhelmed by guilt."
"Oh." Lily looked down at her hands, not sure what to say. It made sense, in a way, but it clearly wasn't his fault, and she wasn't going to let him think it was—not when he had actually saved her.
"He'll be all right," Sirius said, still staring at the other bed. "I'll make sure of it."
Lily smiled gratefully at him, then decided to change the subject. "What happened after I got hit?" she asked. "I don't remember a thing."
"There's not much to tell," Sirius shrugged. "James took out the rest of the Death Eaters before Frank Longbottom—"
"Wait, he what?" asked Lily. "He defeated the rest of them? All by himself?"
"He was livid," said Sirius, his voice strangely calm. "Blasted Avery halfway down the alley, froze the last one, and then hurled him just as far. He's got some spirit, our James."
Lily just shook her head, amazed. "Then what?"
"Frank arrived, stabilized you, and gave us a Portkey to get here. We got fixed up fairly quick, though Prong's shoulder is still a bit stiff." He stopped and gave Lily a very solemn look. "You, however, were another story."
"I know about the Sleeping Curse." Lily waited for Sirius to continue; she needed to know more.
"Yes, Avery hit you. Decent one, too, from what the Healers said, though not as bad as it could have been. They went after you, of course, but for some reason they couldn't wake you." He sat down next to her, glancing at James once more. "I think that was hard on everyone, but especially James, and especially when your parents arrived."
"How did they find out?" Lily asked, suddenly curious how her Muggle parents had made it to St. Mungo's; she hadn't even thought to ask them.
"James told them," Sirius replied. "Or rather, he sent Dumbledore an owl, and Dumbledore sent it to your folks."
"But how did they get to St. Mungo's?" she asked. "Did Professor Dumbledore bring them?"
"No, they drove down immediately. James met them outside and brought them up. I told you he feels responsible, Lily. It was his idea, his date…even his enemy, in a way, since Avery was after him."
Lily was quiet as she thought about how hard it must have been for James to write that letter, to meet her father and bring him upstairs, to wait five days for her to wake up. She still had so many more questions.
"Why were they after him?" she asked. "You were hit before you could say anything. How did you know it was a trap?"
Sirius let his head fall back in the chair as he stared at the ceiling. He blew out a long breath before finally answering. "Because when I went to meet Arlienne, her brother Rabastan was there with two Death Eaters instead. They gave me this." Sirius ran a hand over his forehead, sweeping his dark hair from the faint scar just under his hairline. "Arlienne was never there. Rabastan just laughed, said that she'd given them the perfect opportunity to hit us both."
"Both of you?" Lily said.
"Me and James," Sirius replied, and Lily had never heard such bitterness in his voice. "I knew you and James were meeting on Tuesday, so I sent an owl to Arlienne suggesting we see each other then as well. Only somehow her brothers got hold of it, and they told Pietro Avery, so he could have his fun as well." He finally looked at her, and Lily was surprised to see his grey eyes filled with pain. "So really, it's my fault you were attacked. They only knew you were there because of me."
Lily was stunned: she didn't even know what to say. She could see the bitter resentment written across his face, but couldn't find any words of consolation. Yet she couldn't remain silent. She reached out and took his hand. "What about Arlienne, have you heard anything from-"
"No." He interrupted her before she could continue. "Nothing. Professor Dumbledore said she was safe, though."
"Professor Dumbledore?" Lily asked. "How did he know?"
"I told him," Sirius said, very simply and very honestly. "I told him everything when he was here, and he did his best to find out if she was all right."
"That's good," Lily murmured. She was slightly surprised to know the Headmaster had come to see her, but then they were students at his school and had been attacked by Death Eaters a second time. She was impressed that Sirius had told Dumbledore the truth about what had happened. It occurred to her that for all the troubles her and James seemed to keep running into, it could be worse: at least they weren't supposed to be enemies. At least they weren't risking their lives to be together.
"Do you know anything else about the spell?" she finally asked, hoping to take Sirius's mind off Arlienne, if only for a bit. "I'm still don't understand why the Healers couldn't wake me up." She was starting to understand, but was having trouble accepting it.
Sirius shrugged. "Dunno, though it sounded like you were asleep in your dream as well. They went into your mind, but couldn't wake you up in your dream, which meant they couldn't wake you up for real. What happened when James showed up?"
"He woke me up in my dream, then told me I had to wake up again," she said. "Apparently I was six months back—I thought it was the Hogsmeade attack, and that I was back in the hospital wing." She had refused to wake up and continue onward from that point in her life, as if everything that had happened since were just too much to relive. She did not reveal that to Sirius, but admitted to herself that it was probably why the Healers couldn't wake her up: she hadn't wanted to wake up, at least until James had arrived.
Sirius gave a low whistle. "That's interesting, though the Healers said some people go back years and never wake up, so you're lucky. How'd he get you to believe him, then? They said the hardest part would be convincing you it wasn't real."
Lily blushed and stuttered a bit as she remembered the intense kiss she had shared with James, and Sirius laughed. "Never mind. I get it."
"You two can stop talking about me now," grumbled a voice from nearby. Lily gave Sirius a guilty look, but he was quick: he murmured a spell without missing a beat and answered flawlessly.
"We are simply sitting in companionable silence," he drawled, winking at Lily. She rolled her eyes; James snorted.
"Then why a Muffliato spell?" he asked. He still didn't look at Lily.
Sirius shrugged. "We didn't want to disturb you. I was just telling Lily what she missed these last few days."
James finally met her eye, and Lily wanted desperately to reach out to him and tell him she was okay, that everything was all right now. But she could see clearly on his face that it wasn't: that the last five days had weighed more heavily on him than anyone could possibly know, and that it would take more than simple reassurance and rest to fix his broken spirit.
But she didn't get to touch him, to hold him, to kiss him again, because at that moment her parents returned with Harrington Potter, and James retreated from her once more. Peter came to visit later, then Sandra, and Lily knew it would be difficult to talk to James on her own. The more people who came to visit, the more he withdrew, until at last when they had all left, he simply flicked off his light, murmured good night, and turned his back once more.
End Notes:
Thank you, Lea/mugglegirlmarauder!
Questions? Please ask. This was a bit of a departure from the original plan. I had a similar idea once for a completely separate story, but it worked its way into this chapter instead. I hope you enjoyed it—just a few more chapters to go!