Magnus

I was sitting on the couch in the unholy dwellings of the Institute, having the most ridiculous conversation there most likely ever was with –ugh- Simon, the vampire.

"Why only red and blue?" he asked innocently, cleverly disguising his malicious plans to annoy me to death.

"I can't believe you are complaining about my spark color variety!" I snipped, not really focused on the conversation, but mostly just waiting for Alec to return. He was bringing us tea to help concentrate on finding Jace. Clary was in Jace's room, looking for something he'd touched recently. We hadn't tried it before, because Jace disappeared sometimes. Certainly, it had been under odd circumstances, but who asked questions when Jace Lightwood was involved? We'd assumed he'd come back. But it'd been two weeks, and the Lightwoods were worried. Too absorbed in my thoughts, I hadn't heard Simon as he politely waited for a response. I frowned, "Pardon?"

He seemed unbothered by my lack of attention. I sighed, figuring he must be used to it by growing up with someone as imaginative and fanciful as Clary. "How come you don't have shades? Deep blue for happy, light purple for giddiness, brilliant red for anger!" he was growing more animated. "Emerald green for jealousy!-"

"I don't get jealous, vampire!" It was cruel what I was hinting at, but I was very frustrated with him. He looked a little put out. At this very convenient time Alec walked in, with a shining silver tray, and an old-fashioned looking tea-set. He was panting a little, which amused me. Shadowhunters!

"The kitchen. . ." he gasped for air. "Is a far . . . ways away . . . from where . . . you guys are . . . in this. . ." he looked around at our makeshift sitting room. "-dump."

Simon grimaced at Alec's careful choice of words, which made me smile in turn. He sat down close- quite close- on the couch next to me, and slid his hand into mine. Lacing our fingers, he smiled a small smile and began pouring tea. I watched him, noticing something was off. Assessing him, I pinpointed it. He was carefree. He was always worried about Jace. Now he wasn't. I poked him in the side. Raising a slender eyebrow he turned and recognized that he did indeed have news. Shaking his head at me, he smiled ruefully.

"Jace is back. Found out just now. Isabelle ran into Clary in the hallway."

Simon looked up. "Uh, then, shouldn't you be like, happy and rejoicing and stuff with him now?"

Alec didn't say anything. "Clearly," I covered for him. "He is stressed and wants to be alone. Don't you think he would have come straight to us, or never even left if he wanted a welcome home party?" Alec squeezed my hand thankfully, and Simon shrugged.

But I had a nagging feeling that that wasn't all. Jace, to begin with, left withoutClary. Doubtful, that anything was alright. Next, he comes back, no notice to Clary. Alarming. Now, when he waltzes home, he is not grossly making out with Clary in his room. Clary wasn't in his room. Clary was heading away from his room. Apocalyptic? Perhaps.

"Well," Alec started. "What can we do now?" He looked at me with brilliant blue eyes, and I couldn't look away from them, or what they were suggesting.

"I-"

Simon cleared his throat. We were starting a moment, and he had to remind us of his tedious presence. "Yes vampire?" I sighed exasperatedly.

"Ummm," he looked uncomfortable.

At the perfect moment again, Isabelle strode in. Simon looked grateful, and she smiled flirtatiously at him. "Wanna go with me to buy cookies for Jace for his welcome home gift?"

He stood up and hurried over, "How about for me?" She giggled and led him out of the Institute.

I turned back to Alec who was watching me with pleading eyes. He swallowed, "Magnus, -"

I put my hand on his, "Alec," I shook my head. I knew what he was asking. "No."

Drawing back, he paused, "Why not?" Looking hurt, he crossed his arms. "Magnus, I thought we went over this."

"No," I told him firmly. Taking his hand back I continued. "Can't you imagine how selfish that would be? For me to take your beautiful mortal life away?"

Staring at our hands, his lips parted slightly. "Don't you love me enough to give me what I want?" His eyebrows furrowed with every word, his incredulousness only complimented his youth.

"I love you enough to know that you shouldn't have to deal with . . . this," I gestured to myself. "You have no idea what a gift it is to die."

"You seem to be fine with it!" He cried, standing up.

"I'm COPING."

"And I can't cope with you?" he said with a bitter sarcasm.

"You weren't born for it. I was BORN immortal. It would be unnatural," I replied too quickly.

His eyes widened and he looked as if I had hit him. "Unnatural?" he whispered, taking a step back.

"That's not what I meant, Alec," I scrambled off the couch and reached out for him. He was just as quickly behind the couch. I turned to face him. The window's filtered light framed his silhouette, and his tussled black hair that I adored.

"Oh," he said coldly. "I know what you meant. Don't make rash decisions to keep around things you know you won't want forever."

"Alexander-" I tried.

"No." He snapped. "Do NOT call me that."

"Immortality," I sighed, "Is not what it was cut out to be."

"Apparently," he hissed. "Neither am I."

I could physically feel the distance he was putting between us. Alec was suddenly miles away though in reality, it was only a few feet. "Alec, don't be like this," I put my face in my hands.

He leaned forward. "What happened to hope?"

"I never gave up on hope!" I cried, motioning wildly with my arms. His jaw clenched.

"You did," he said, dangerously calm, "When you tossed away the idea of keeping me forever."

My mouth snapped shut. I was unable to respond. He gripped the back of the couch, and the silence taunted me. The week before, I had found a way to make Alec immortal. Although it was never a possibility anyways, as it involved too much pain, and leaving all his loved ones behind. Not to mention if Alec didn't find anything in this relationship interesting other than our immortality argument, and he was granted it, what would he want from me then? Was this, us, only about living forever? The thought caused an aching in my chest. Never-the-less, I regretted telling him about the spell immensely. It was killing us!

"Alec," I begged. "Please." I held my hands out to him, my palms up in a peacemaking gesture.

"Why?" he backed up. "Why, when we finally found a . . . a way to be together, you won't do it?"

I squeezed my eyes shut. "Because I love you."

He walked, changing completely, crossing over to me. Stopping, he stared me straight on. The anguish that I knew were in my eyes, were reflected in his.

"Why don't I believe it?" he whispered. Gently wiping a tear from his cheek with my index finger, my throat was tight.

"I don't know," was all I could say.

Suddenly, the tender moment between us was over. It was as if a brick wall was slammed in front of Alec, tearing him from me. His features were schooled into his default scowl and he backed up again, taking slow steps that denounced me with every placement.

"I know," he croaked. A lump formed in my throat as I guessed what would follow these words. "Because all I ever am to you in company is a nuisance. A young adolescent, who says embarrassing things." He was getting closer to the door I could not enter. "Why is it different alone?" he accused, each word a separate dagger. "I know. It's fake."

My mouth turned dry, and I opened it in protest, but no words would form. Oh no. God no.

"I'm only a nuisance," he repeated. "An amusing fling! Trivial." He spat the word as he mocked our earlier fight. "It's ridiculous! I'm no child! I'm not just to look at!" His expression turned tortured. "It's like my feelings are a joke!" His voice cracked. "Played by you! You keep denying life together forever Magnus! And it's like I finally know why."

He spun on his heels and ran out the door, letting it quietly slip shut behind him. Somehow, letting it softly close was much worse than slamming. At least anger, Alec would recover from. But the pained conclusion he had formed didn't exactly pose any great ways to simmer off. Only multiply as they were fanned by the feeling of betrayal. Stunned, I fell from my feet, and collapsed on the couch. My thoughts were jumbled, and I was still unsure how to move.