Chapter Twenty-Seven

Lily gathered her things, slowly packing them into her bag as she stared into space, her mind wandering dully over everything that had happened—and not happened—over the past week. She had gone to Diagon Alley for a date with James Potter, but woken up five days later to a very different man than the one she had met at the Leaky Cauldron. He had hardly talked to her since, finally leaving without much word, and he hadn't been back.

Oh, he had sent an owl, and flowers, but even her dad had frowned the night before, wondering why James had left so abruptly and not been back to see her. Lily had given her mum a tear-filled look, and her mum had gently reminded her dad just how much James had been through as well, reassuring him that James was not that sort of person, although Lily was starting to have her doubts.

Sirius had come to see her, though, and he was upset that his friend had not been back. Yet when he reluctantly told her how James had talked about leaving school, Lily understood that James needed his own time and space to recover; she just wished she were a part of it, and that they could help each other instead of going through it alone. A small part of her still felt like she had done something wrong, even after Sirius assured her she hadn't.

There was a knock on the door, but before she could answer, James stumbled into the room with an inelegant grunt. Lily saw a hand vanish behind him and suspected Sirius had pushed him in, obviously against his will. For some reason, it suddenly bothered her to see him, even though she had been hoping he would come back. That James had to be forced to see her made her feel both hurt and angry, and she crossed her arms over her chest, giving him her most withering Head Girl stare as he avoided even looking at her.

"Welcome back, Potter," she offered, trying to keep her voice level.

"Er, hi. How are you?" he offered lamely, straightening his robes and glasses. He still seemed tired, but more than anything he looked awkward and embarrassed. Lily was glad, because a small part of her was wanted to see him suffer for walking out on her and returning so reluctantly.

"I'm fine," she answered with a noncommittal shrug. "Much better, actually. I've had the room to myself, so it's been nice and quiet around here." She couldn't help but lash out at him, however trite and petty it sounded.

"Oh." He seemed completely abashed, but it didn't bother her, not at that moment. She was about to confront him and demand to know why he'd left her, only to her surprise, he brought it up before she could even begin.

"Listen, Lily," he said, and he finally looked at her, his eyes haunted and sad. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry—for Diagon Alley, for the attack, for the spell—"

"That wasn't your fault," she said, frowning. So Sirius had been right: James blamed himself for everything that had happened. "You didn't attack me—you didn't cast the Sleeping Curse."

"I didn't stop it," he mumbled, looking away again as if he couldn't face her with his failure.

"You tried," she pointed out. All of a sudden she realized just how stubborn he was: certainly as stubborn as her, if not more. No wonder it had taken them so long to figure things out. He was being ridiculous in taking any blame for what had happened, when he had fought so hard and risked so much.

"I failed," he said miserably. "I tried to take you on a real date and you got hurt and—"

"Stop it," Lily demanded, throwing her pyjamas into her bag rather more forcefully than she intended before turning on him with her hands on her hips. "Just stop it, James. It's not your fault and I don't want to hear your sob story."

He looked slightly stunned at her outburst and took a deep breath as if getting ready to wind himself up for a retort. Then he blew it out in one long breath, his shoulders slumping. Lily stomped her foot, suddenly determined to get some sort of reaction out of him.

"Is that why you left without saying anything? Because you feel bad, you feel guilty?" she demanded. He pulled himself up and nodded, and she was relieved to see the tiniest spark of defiance in his eyes; it meant he was going to fight back, and she needed that, because she was still angry at him.

"Yes," he said, though he crossed his arms defensively. "That's exactly why I left. So you don't have to worry about being hurt anymore."

"Brilliant," Lily replied, letting her voice drip sarcasm and not caring if it stung. "Then why did you come back?"

"Because Sirius made me," James snapped, suddenly transporting them back to any number of fights they had had at Hogwarts. Yet he instantly recoiled in regret and shook his head. "He said I owed it to you."

"Tell him he was wrong, then," Lily retorted. "You don't owe me anything. You can just go." She wanted to turn her back and cry, but she forced herself to stand stoically and stare him down, all the while hoping desperately that he didn't leave, that somehow they could work it out, and this would be their last fight, once and for all.

"I don't want to leave now," James finally mumbled, and he took off his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose. "At least, not like this."

"Like what?" Lily demanded.

He studied her very somberly. "Angry. Upset. I don't want you to be mad at me, Lily."

"Well, I am!" she snapped. "So it's too late for that. If you won't leave, I will." She grabbed her cloak and bag and swept out of the room, hoping she hadn't left anything behind because she'd feel ridiculous if she had to turn around now. She couldn't stand being there with him anymore, not if he was going to be so pathetic. She stormed past Sirius and nodded to the nurse in the corridor, then hurried down the staircase toward the first floor. She was meeting her parents in the reception area, and although she was dreading the long drive home, she suddenly couldn't wait to leave the hospital.

"I just want you to understand," James started, rushing down the stairs behind her, but she cut him off with a wave of her hand.

"Understand why you left without saying anything, why you don't want to see me for some reason, why you don't even want to go back to Hogwarts?" She glanced over her shoulder at him and was not surprised to see him frown.

"How did you know—" he said, then stopped and shook his head when he realized. "Stupid prat."

"Sirius is right," Lily said, hurrying down the last flight of stairs and bursting through the doors into the main reception area. James hurried to catch up with her. "You can't just quit school because you're worried about your dad—or me for that matter."

"I know," he muttered under his breath as the door slammed shut behind him. "I'm not."

"And you can't just leave to avoid—wait, what?" she asked. She stopped looking around for her parents and turned to stare at him in surprise.

"I said I'm not leaving school, so you can stop worrying about that." He sighed tiredly. "Look, I'm going back to Hogwarts, and I'll be Head Boy because Sirius doesn't want Robertson ordering him around, but I just don't think we should—"

"James Potter, don't you dare break up with me before we've even started going out," Lily said, striding up to him and poking him in the chest. Her heart was pounding, with as much anger as fear now. Was she really going to lose him just when she had found him? Surely all they had been through should bring them closer, not drive them apart. She didn't even notice half the wizards in the room stop to watch their confrontation, but James did.

"Lily, you don't know what you're talking about," he muttered, ducking his head as he took her arm and led her toward the nearest exit. Instead of leading to the street, it brought them to a tiny courtyard behind the building. It was snowing again, and Lily couldn't help but glance up in annoyed surprise; why couldn't they ever enjoy a clear, sunny day together?

"I'm no good for you, " James was saying. "I'm dangerous. I've got enemies now, and all we do is fight anyway, you'd be so much better without—"

"Stop it!" she said, cutting him off as she pulled her arm away and stepped back. She was glad that the courtyard was empty, so that no one could witness their confrontation. "Don't tell me what's better for me, James. I can make that decision for myself, thank you very much."

"I know you can, Lily, I know," he said, his arms flailing in desperation. "But I don't know if I could live with myself if something happened to you—if you were hurt because of me."

"So you're going back to Hogwarts, but you just want to ignore each other once we're there?" Lily asked, and she held back the tears threatening to spill over with anger. "Pretend like nothing ever happened, because that wouldn't hurt? Can you really do that?" She knew she couldn't, but if he could, what choice did she have?

"Yes…no…I mean, I don't know." He turned around and started pacing, leaving grey footprints in the white snow. Lily watched him frostily, so angry and confused that for the first time she thought maybe this was really it: maybe she didn't want to be with someone who could be so incredibly thick and selfish, so stubborn and arrogant…so strong and brave and caring...

James had stopped on the far side of the courtyard with his back to her. "Lily, I don't know what's right anymore. When I walked into that room, I thought I knew what I had to do." He turned back toward her, his eyes bright. "But now that I'm here with you, I can only think of what I wantto do. And what I want to do isn't the same as what I should do."

"I don't understand," she said, confused. She refused to feel the smallest bit of hope moving in her chest, that maybe he wasn't going to leave her after all.

"I don't want to give up," he said, rubbing his face as if that would make the words come easier. The snow fell around him, catching on his hair, his glasses, his nose. He brushed it away, leaving his face red and his hair standing on end, and shrugged miserably. "I should, but…"

"But what?" Lily asked, her voice very flat. Her heart was racing, though, because this was it: he was going to leave her, and for no good reason other than he thought he should. She was suddenly reminded of their conversation by the fire in Gryffindor, how he had got down on his knees and practically begged for another chance. She'd finally given it to him, but it hadn't worked out after all. It had all been for nothing—the notes, the letters, the train station, even their brief date in Diagon Alley. He was going to sacrifice something that could be amazing for something that might not ever happen. It struck her as completely and utterly unfair, and she gulped back a sob.

"But I can't," he murmured. He walked toward her, holding her wide-eyed gaze with a look that tore through her. "I know I should turn around and leave and never look back, because I know you'd be safer, even happier…but I can't." He stopped in front of her and looked down, brushing snowflakes from her hair in such a gentle way that she shivered, and not from the cold. "I need you."

"What?" Lily said, her voice barely working. Never in a hundred years had she expected him to say such a thing. They had only just started their relationship, and he had been determined to end it but moments before. "You need me?" she whispered.

"I need you. I want you. After all this, I can't imagine walking away now." He took her face in his hands, kissing her forehead before pulling her close and stroking her wet hair. "Unless you want me to. I'll go if you think I should. We can just be friends."

She pulled back and gazed into his face, then let a slow smile creep over her lips. She reached up and took off his glasses, just as she had after the Quidditch match in the rain, and tucked them into his pocket. They stood there for a long moment, just gazing at one another as the snow fell around them. Then slowly he leaned down and kissed her, and it was more perfect than kissing him after the game, at King's Cross, in Diagon Alley. It was firm yet gentle, cold yet warm. Lily felt a rush of passion flood every inch of her body, yet all she could do was sigh contentedly and close her eyes, giving into the sweet feel of their lips, their bodies, their hearts meeting as one.

When they finally stepped back, James breathed deep and laid his forehead against hers once more. "I'm sorry," he whispered again. "I'm sorry this has been so hard."

"Stop apologizing," Lily murmured, rolling her eyes affectionately. "It wouldn't feel as right if it were easy." He laughed softly and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her close.

"It was worth it—every fight, every slap, every jinx." He kissed the top of her head. "As long as you don't get hurt."

"I won't," Lily replied. "Don't worry so much."

The snow fell around them as if playing music for their own private dance, and Lily suddenly didn't mind it at all. She could have stood there forever, content at last in his warm embrace. Yet finally she pulled away and looked into his face. "When will I see you again? The Hogwarts Express?"

James kissed her once more, then took her hand and led her back toward the door. "What are you doing for Christmas?" he asked.

"We're going to my sister's for supper. It's her first holiday since getting married." Lily pulled a face. "It's going to be dreadful. We haven't got on well for years now, and her husband is an absolute prig. Why?"

"My dad is dragging us to a Ministry party—Department of Magical Games and Sports. We've gone every year, and he said we should keep going even though mum won't be with us." He paused at the door and wrapped his arms around her once more. "But come over on Boxing Day. Your folks seem to get on well with my dad, what do you say?"

Lily smiled and nodded. "I'll ask them. I'll be there no matter what."

"Brilliant." He leaned down to kiss her again before they left the cold courtyard. "I think this is it, don't you?"

"This is what?" she asked as he opened the door for her, and they entered the warm waiting room of St. Mungo's. Her parents still had not arrived, so they continued toward the exit.

"I think we've finally figured this out," he murmured, walking her to the door with his arm around her shoulder. "I mean, what else could possibly go wrong?"

Lily laughed. "With us? Who knows. Let's just hope for a quiet Christmas."

They left the building and stepped back into the snowy streets of London. "You've never spent the holiday with Sirius, then—or my dad," James laughed. "It'll be interesting, to say the least. Bring your Gobstones game."

"I can't wait," Lily murmured, squeezing his hand as her parent's car pulled up. "I'll see you in a few days."

He leaned forward to give her one last kiss before leaving.

"Happy Christmas, Lily."

"Happy Christmas, James."

End Notes:

Thank you, mugglegirlmarauder—we've almost made it! And thank you, readers, for sticking with this story. Last chapter asap!