A/N: Hello my beautiful readers! I will start with an apology for the huge lack in updating. Many reasons, I have University exams at the moment, which suck but more important than that is that I just needed a little bit of a break from this story because it was bringing me down. So I wrote some happy Kames for my One shot series instead :P But anyway, I got back into the swing of things with this and I am happy how it turned out.

With this chapter it might seem a bit slow at the beginning, it's basically James taking his mind back to six months ago and he is kind of narrating things as they've happened up until this point. Some things get explained, like what really happened with Dak after Kendall left which is in a flashback, and the flashback is set the same day James ends things with Kendall.

Towards the end things really start to heat up.

Also, I've got some lyrics from Coldplays "Fix You" - it's an all time favourite of mine and I was listening to it the other night and just pictured James running through the woods to save Kendall and... *tears*

Please enjoy this :) I promise there won't be such a gap between the next update. xxx

Love you! And I almost forgot! WOO HOO on over 100 reviews! You guys are rock! (Kendall's tweet... get it? I'm obsessed, I know)

P.S Has anyone listened to Windows Down yet? I LOVE IT! it's so great. SO sexy ;) WOO HOO!

Chapter 12 - Fix You.

I was watching the love of my life walk away from me and there was nothing I could do about it. I've been an idiot, there's no doubt about that.

Saying goodbye and letting Kendall go six months ago is the hardest and the most heart breaking thing I've ever had to do in my whole life. I didn't want to push him away, but what other choice did I have? How could I ever look at him again and not think about what I had done? I'd like to blame Dak, say that it's all his fault for how things happened but I can't and won't because it's not his fault, its mine. That doesn't mean he didn't exactly handle it well... But that's a story I don't even want to deal with right now. Why did I kiss Dak? I wish someone could answer that for me because I sure as hell can't. I had planned not to drive Kendall away, I wanted to tell him the truth on the stairs but when I saw his beautiful green eyes look at me full of faith, love and above all, trust... there was nothing that I could ever say that would make things justifiable. When he left I wanted to chase him, tell him the truth and tell him I was sorry but my legs were nailed to the ground.

I didn't go to school for a few days afterwards, wallowing in self pity all alone from the safety of my bedroom because I was afraid to face Kendall, but turns out I had nothing to worry about because he didn't come either. When I finally came back I was so nervous, looking out for him at every turn, every glimpse of blonde in the corner of my eye had me turning my head – but he never showed. The days went by and I began to become worried, until before hockey training one afternoon when I was watching the juniors train I saw Mitch Brown taking the captain spot after I heard the coach say "Knight has moved to New York"

"Knight has moved to new York" was probably one of the worst things I've ever heard. I remember finding myself clutching the railing on the bleachers because the room began to spin and I was seeing stars.

Logan was right, I had driven Kendall away. I've wanted to talk to Logan so many times, I've found myself parked outside Kendall's house, looking for the courage to go and knock on the door but I just can't. Sometimes I felt like talking to and seeing Logan would be just as hard as having to see Kendall. Having to look into those chocolate eyes and tell him I broke all my promises, and unlike when he held me in his arms on the couch that one time, I don't think he would be as forgiving now.

I wish I could go back in time and just erase what happened with Dak and not just that first kiss in the bathroom... Dak was right when he told Kendall that the story wasn't over after once Kendall had left for New York... no the story was just beginning...

Flashback.

As I lay down on my bed and let the tears flow freely I almost missed the sound of my phone going off in my pocket. My instant reaction was to hope it might be Kendall, but it was selfish to get my hopes up so high.

"Hi Dak" I muttered, knowing who it was from the caller ID.

"Whoa, you sound like shit."

"Yeah thanks"

"You alright? Where did you disappear to today?"

"I had to go home. I ended things with Kendall." My heart cracking.

"No shit. Really?"

"Yes really"

"What happened to playing around with him for a bit?"

"I don't want to play around with him Dak... I love him."

"You don't, but even if you did, then why did you end things?"

"Don't tell me who I do and don't love. I had to end things... because of you."

"Because you want to fuck me without a guilty conscious? I get that."

"I don't want to fuck you Dak."

"Now we both know that's a lie."

"Seriously Dak. What happened between us was a mistake; I don't know what came over me."

"Don't kid me round Diamond."

"I'm not. The minute you left I could see clearly. I love you Dak, but not like that. You're my best friend, and I'm not doing anything with you."

After a short silence and wondering if he had hung up on me I spoke again. "Dak?"

"I'm sick of this Knight kid. He has been in your life a few short days and he has changed everything you are. I have one question for you James?"

"What?"

"Why him?"

I paused. "What do you mean?"

"You could have anyone you wanted James, boys and girls alike. So why him?"

"It's not like I went out and just chose him Dak" I sighed. "It sort of just... happened. I can't explain it. I didn't even think I was gay, but there was just something about him. He captivated me within the first 10 minutes of knowing him with his smile... his eyes... his big heart..." I began to choke up as I started talking about what made me fall in love with Kendall.

"But James... what if there was someone else better?"

"There is no one better for me than Kendall. But that doesn't matter anymore because I've lost him." The tears now rolling down my cheeks freely.

"Then move on, James. Be with me."

"Ha, please" I scoffed through tears "You can only offer me sex. Kendall offers me love."

"I can offer you love" Dak said in a small voice.

"No you can't Dak, I know there's nothing more with you than sex and that may be fine for you but after what I said I don't think-"

"James stop!" He half yelled. "Can you please just take me seriously for just two seconds?"

"Fine, I'm taking you seriously, go ahead."

"Can I come over? I don't want to have this conversation on the phone."

"I don't think that's a good idea. I'm a mess and I sort of just want to die alone right now."

"Well that's bullshit; I'm not letting you be alone. I'm heading to the car now, see you soon."

Before I even had a chance to respond Dak had disconnected the phone, leaving me speechless and staring up at the ceiling in disbelief. I really didn't want to deal with Dak right now, I wasn't angry at him for the kiss and I wasn't going to take things out on him for it, but he really wouldn't be helping my depression by trying to have sex with me.

I managed to have a few more minutes of intense crying and self loathing before Dak arrived, which didn't really help but I thought maybe if I cried hard enough Kendall would magically come back into my life... yeah right. When the doorbell rang I groaned slightly, cursing my parents for being at work and not being able to answer the door.

"Hey" I said with a dead voice as I opened the door for Dak.

"Wow" Dak said as he walked in and took off his coat and hung it on the rack. "You know how I said you sounded like shit? You look like shit dude"

"Thanks" I muttered, following him towards my kitchen. "You don't want to go to my bedroom?"

"Do you want to go to the bedroom?" He chuckled, "But no not yet, I'm hungry."

I rolled my eyes but somehow had a small smile on my face, Dak always acted like he owned my house, which was fine because he spent more time here than he did at his own home anyway.

"Dak" I sighed as I hopped up on the kitchen counter whilst he stuck his head in the fridge. "Dak, I really don't feel like talking right now, I feel like absolute shit."

"God damn it James" He groaned.

"What?"

"Well two things, firstly; where are those little cake things you always have?"

"In the cupboard, top shelf" I smiled.

"Awesome. And secondly; I wouldn't be so sad about Kendall, you'll get him back."

"No, I won't" I said, bowing my head to conceal the tears that were threatening to spill.

"James I thought we already decided he was on your leash? Just apologise and he will come crawling back."

"No, don't you understand?" I almost whined. "Even if in some magical fairy dream land he did still want me and was willing to just look past all this, how could I ever be with him and look into those emerald eyes knowing what I had done?"

"Did you tell him what we did?" Dak asked as he ate his third cupcake.

"No, I couldn't bring myself to tell him. I just told him that things between me and him had been fun but I thought we should end things before it got too deep. Which was a lie because I'm already so deep man..."

"I have a question. Why are you not kicking my ass right now?"

"And why would I be doing that?"

"Well, if it wasn't for me you and Kendall would probably be fucking right now."

"Yeah look, I'm not entirely thrilled how things happened between us Dak. Why did you kiss me?"

"Because you wanted me too" He grinned, now sitting down his food and walking towards me on the counter.

"Seriously Dak" I sighed, trying to ignore how he positioned himself between my legs.

"Seriously? You want serious?" He asked, now placing his hands on my thighs and forcing me to look at him with intensity.

"Yes!"

"I love you" He said with a low voice.

"I said to be serious" I sighed.

"You are so frustrating! I am being serious James, I love you!"

"No you don't Dak, stop saying that."

Instead of speaking again Dak sighed in frustration, and then reached up on his toes to kiss me.

"Whoa no!" I said suddenly, placing two hands on his shirt to shove him off.

"Don't fight this James." He tried to start kissing me again but this time I shoved him with more force and jumped off the counter.

"Please Dak; I don't want to make this difficult."

"James! What's so difficult about it? I love you."

"No you don't! I don't think you know what love is Dak!"

"Clearly I do because it's what I've been feeling for you for about 3 or 4 years now!"

All I could do was laugh with how ridiculous he was being. "Dak, you didn't even think you really wanted to have sex with me before you found out about me and Kendall. I think what you're doing is you're just curious about trying it with a guy and since you now know that I'm gay you know that I'm an easy option"

"No, you're not just the easy option James" He whined. "I want to be with you. I actually do love you. I just couldn't believe when I found out about you and Kendall, my heart instantly opened up to something I know I've been trying to push down. I've slept with so many girls and it's been fun but nothing and no one has captivated me so much with just one kiss. When you smile, I smile, when you laugh my heart swells with joy, when you enter a room I feel my stomach doing flips, when you touch me my heart goes into overdrive... You're everything to me James. I know sometimes I act like a complete asshole and I truly am really sorry for our things worked out with Kendall but I was just so jealous James. I know you love him, just when you hear his name you light up like the sun... But that's how I want you to feel about me, I want to walk into a room and see you smile, see you smile and then run up to me and kiss me, letting everyone know I'm yours. I can be everything for you James; I can be anything you need me to be... I love you."

"Dak... I... I don't know what to say" I stuttered, staring at him in complete shock.

"Please, don't say anything, just kiss me"

He kissed me again then, but I didn't try fight him off this time. I had to kiss him again, and just like I suspected it gave me all the answers I needed.

"Ok" I sighed; pulling my lips from his and placing my hands on his chest to push him back slightly.

"Dak, I love Kendall. I know I've driven him away and I am never going to get him back, but that doesn't change the way I feel. It will take me a long time to get over him, and even then there will always be a special spot in my heart for him, but right now I really can't imagine myself being with anyone else. I love you Dak, don't get me wrong, it's just kissing you now it feels like I'm kissing my brother, or well maybe my cousin... still gross but not as bad.. Well not gross but wrong. But anyway the point is we will never have anything between us because what you will always be to me is my best friend."

He stared at me with sad eyes, seemingly lost for words. I felt horrible, I've just been breaking everyone's heart today, but Dak needed to know the truth – no more lies.

"James, please" He said softly, taking me by the hands. "Please just give me a chance. I know I'm not Kendall but... please"

"I'm sorry Dak" I whispered in reply. "Whether or not you end up with a girl or a guy I know they're going to be so lucky to be with you. I know you can be an asshole, but that's not what I see in you; someone else will see that and know there is so much more to Dak Zevon than meets the eye"

"But why can't that be you?" He said through the tears that were now free falling down his face.

"Because I will never be able to love you like you want me to"

"This is such bullshit" He said, now angry and pulling away from me. "This is why I don't open up to anyone. You're so fucking full of crap James; don't lead me on if you're just going to break my heart like you did Kendall's"

"Dak I didn't want to break your heart!" I said sadly, trying to reach out and place a hand on his shoulder, a touch he instantly rejected.

"Kendall doesn't deserve you, he deserves so much better."

Well that hurt. "I know"

"You know what? Maybe I will go see Kendall right now? See if he is ready for a rebound!"

"Don't you dare!" I growled defensively.

"Well why not! We can get over you together!' He said as he turned to leave.

I did something next which I am not entirely proud of, but it had to happen. I leapt on his back like a lion hunting a gazelle, which sent both of us crashing to the hard floors of my kitchen.

"James what the fuck!" Dak groaned as he was being crushed by my weight.

"Don't you dare ever talk to Kendall!" I said as I was now straddling his hips.

"James get off me!" He said angrily, trying to fight my hold.

"No! Not until you admit never to interfere in Kendall's life!"

"FINE! I won't go near your precious pity fuck!"

And that's when I punched him.

End of flashback.

Things after that didn't go great. Fighting on the ice with him today was kind of like déjà vu, although it wasn't so intense at my house. We both got in a few good punches and it probably would have gotten worse if my Dad hadn't of got home and ripped me off Dak, then screamed at Dak to get out. My Dad then screamed at for a solid 1 or 2 hours about fighting and about how Dak was my best friend and blah blah blah, I thought things would get better with Dak but they didn't. I felt bad, sort of, I felt bad that he had opened his heart up to me and I stomped on it, but what else was I supposed to say? I wasn't going to lie anymore and by not shutting Dak down I really wouldn't be giving myself many options but sleep with him.

Dak didn't handle it great. He didn't show up at school for like two weeks. Everyone asked me where he was, but I didn't give a shit. If he wanted to cry about how I didn't love him then that was his problem. Couldn't he understand that I loved Kendall and no one was going to change that? When he got back eventually and told everyone some crap story about a family holiday I was all prepared to apologise but he wanted none of it. In fact if I recall when I went up to talk to him in the locker rooms when we were alone he shoved me into the wall and said "Get away from me homo"

Well that was pleasant and ever since then we've barely spoken apart from when he insults me or checks me at incredible force into the boards at hockey. The worst part is I have to see him every single day. We have most of the same classes, we still hang out with the same people and of course he is my vice captain on the hockey team. I was willing to be nice ok, I was willing to not let any weirdness ruin our friendship but if he wanted to be a complete dick then whatever, that's his problem and I'm just going to stay out if.

These past six months have been complete torture. I've tried to forget about Kendall, I really have but nothing works. I think I've picked up the phone about a thousand times, I've typed about a million e-mails, drafted hundreds of text messages and even written a couple of letters to Kendall in the past six months that I've never sent. All saying different things but all focusing around the main two points of "I'm sorry" and "I love you".

It's also kind of hard to get over someone when they are all you think about every waking second, and to be honest with you I haven't really tried that hard to forget him. When I can I watch the junior hockey team train and I go to all their games. I don't really know why, maybe a small part of me hoped that Kendall would appear and he would be back to join them... And then... well then he did.

That brings us to the past couple of days. As I walked past his old lunch table (something I have made a habit of doing in case Kendall's friends are talking about him) I heard his friend Carlos say "Logan and his Mum are picking him up from the airport this afternoon". That's when I froze and couldn't even find the power in my fingers to hold onto my lunch tray, but I was barely aware of my food splattering on the ground; all I knew was that Kendall was finally coming home. But that's when I also started to panic, how on earth would I face him and know what to say? What to do? Or really just how to respond from the sheer panic of it all? After talking to his friend Carlos briefly and discovering a couple of things, firstly that Carlos hates me which doesn't surprise me but it makes me sad cause he seems like a really nice guy and secondly that Kendall was only coming home for Thanksgiving. I realised that gave me about a week or two in which Kendall would be in the same state as me and I would have to make some sort of move. I had spent six months too long feeling sorry for myself and I was going to make things right if it was the last thing I do.

That brings us to today. Today... wow where do I even begin? I had barely slept a wink last night, too anxious at the possibility of seeing Kendall so it left me already slightly agitated and on edge for the day. I didn't see him at school, not that I was really expecting too but I had small hopes. It wasn't until hockey that my world stopped spinning. I didn't think seeing him again would have such an effect on me... But it did. I hadn't forgotten his face, or his voice, or anything about him in 6 months but seeing him in the flesh brought on emotions I couldn't have anticipated. At first there's was love, complete and utter love filling me up and almost had me flying across the ice and smothering my lips on his but then reality kicked in and I remembered why he left in the first place – it was because I broke his heart. So then love made way to heart crushing, tyrannical sadness and hurt. I saw Jett trying to stir him up and I wanted to cut in, trying to find any excuse to go up and be with him but it didn't seem... appropriate. Then it clicked, what if I asked the juniors to train with us? I knew he would probably try leave as soon as possible, but if I could only keep him on the ice if only for a minute then maybe I could try reconnect with him... Just maybe.

Nothing prepared me from standing right in front of him, so close to those broken green eyes. When I stood there and we stared at one another I felt as if someone was repeatedly throwing my heart into a wall, letting it smash over and over again, but honestly seeing Kendall so hurt, so sad was like ice to my heart. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, but most of all I wanted to hug him so tight and never let go. I should never have let him go in the first place...

Speaking to him for two seconds was enough for tears to start spilling from my eyes. He was so hurt, so broken and I knew it was my entire fault. I didn't know what to say to him. All those letters, emails, text messages, they were all at the tip of my tongue but the words just wouldn't come. When he opened his mouth to say "James, I have spent the past 6 months –" My heart went into overdrive. What did he have to say? I had to know. But then who should show up but Dak? Of course he was resentful; I could see it all over his face. He wasn't happy one bit that Kendall was back and that's when things got... ugly.

I shouldn't have fought with Dak, again... but I couldn't help it. He threatened to tell Kendall everything that had happened between us and I just couldn't let that happen. I wanted Kendall to hear it from me; I had every intention of stealing a moment with him if only just to explain, but of course fucking Dak had to ruin that for me.

Watching Kendall's face when Dak told the whole story was like watching your worst nightmare play out in front of your eyes, or maybe a horrific car crash but all you can do is watch. I pleaded with him not to listen but he wouldn't listen to me and there was nothing I could do. When Dak finally said it I saw the life leave his eyes and all the colour drain from his face. It was horrid.

And that brings us to now. To me sitting on the floor of the deserted middle school building where they were already on holidays which is why no one had come and told me to come and get up in the past 2 hours or so, and with my head in my hands and Kendall running out of my life. Why couldn't I just tell him I loved him? When he just said all those things to me about how he never stopped loving me for the 6 months or how he wished I had just told him the truth... Why couldn't I just say those three little words? But I realised I couldn't say then without him knowing I was telling the truth because as he said, I've destroyed I've completely and utterly destroyed his trust and I don't blame him from not believing a single word that comes out of my mouth.

But above all this, above everything that has happened nothing will ever compare to him revealing his wrists to me... How could he? Or more importantly how could I? How could I ever do something so bad to someone that would force them to hurt themselves? My Kendall... my beautiful, sweet, innocent Kendall had resulted to self harm all because of how I had treated him. Words don't even begin to describe how I felt when I saw those scars on his wrist... I felt as if I had been shot in the heart and I was bleeding throughout my entire body. For as long as I shall live I will never forgive myself for this, never. And now there is nothing I can do, nothing I can say because he is leaving me again... he is saying goodbye...

"This is goodbye, I'll miss you – I'll miss you so much."

Goodbye...

Wait...

He is saying goodbye... But... that means to New York right? Not...

"Kendall!" I cried out loud, jumping up and tearing out of the school as fast as my legs would carry me.

I didn't want to believe what I was thinking could be true... Kendall wouldn't seriously consider... suicide, would he?

I jumped in my car and drove so fast a tiny voice in the back in my head kept telling me that if I kept this speed up I might die from a car accident before Kendall even has the chance to die himself...

"Oh no, Kendall, no no no" I cried, tears now gushing down my face like waterfalls that I could barely see the road.

When I pulled up outside his house, I barely even put the car in park before I swung open the door and sprinted up the path to his front door.

"Please please please" I begged as I smashed on the door and rung the doorbell at the same time. "Oh god please someone be home please... FUCK!"

I ran around the side of the house and jumped the fence to then peer through the large glass doors that connected to the kitchen/living room area.

"Where are you Kendall?" I cried to no one as I paced back and forth. As far as I knew he could be up in his room right now and already be... "KENDALL?" I screamed.

Think James, think. Where does Kendall go when he wants to escape?

A small voice asked in my head. I tried to rack my brain, thinking back to the first night we met and I took him out for dinner. We talked about so much that night...

"God damn it, think James!" I yelled to myself.

And then I could remember the conversation as clear as day.

"Behind my house there's a woods of sort, I don't go out there much anymore but when I was a bit younger I used to love it out there. It's where I would go to escape because there was no one there you know? It was just me, and the birds and the trees and it was just... peaceful. I know this sounds stupid but I reckon when I eventually die I will like to be buried there"

Before I could blink my legs sent me flying through the back yard and to the edge of the woods that lay beyond Kendall's lawn. I didn't know what direction to go in, or where I was going at all but there was some gravitational pull that told me to just keep on moving, keep on going.

"KENDALL! KENDALL!" I began to yell his name as I ran, praying that he would respond.

As the sun started to fall behind the trees the true panic was setting in. What if I never found him? What if he was already laying dead somewhere and I never got to hold him in my arms one last time in my arms? What if I never got to tell him how much I truly love him? I should have never let him go and spent every day telling the whole world I love him. What if -

I stopped abruptly as I glimpsed something to my right, spinning around to bend down and look at it.

Kendall's coat...

"Fuck!" I yelled, bringing it close to my body and inhaling its sweet scent.

It was still faintly, faintly warm which meant he must have lost it not that long ago, but at least now I knew I was on the right track.

"Kendall where are you!" I pleaded through the now growing darkness.

"James?" I heard the faintest whispers, causing my whole body to freeze, did I imagine it?

"James..." The voice whispered again further to my right.

"KENDALL!" I shouted, "KENDALL PLEASE? IT'S JAMES! DON'T STOP TALKING!"

"Over hear" came the voice straight ahead as I burst through the ferns.

At first I didn't see anything, nothing but more trees' but then finally... I saw him.

"Kendall!" I screamed, hurling my body at the forest floor to where he was lying.

"Oh my god Kendall what have you done?" I cried as I lifted him into my chest.

There was blood, everywhere. He wasn't wearing his coat, he was in nothing but a t-shirt but I couldn't see the white of his skin on his arms, just blood.

"Kendall Kendall Kendall" I said through tears as I ripped the material of his coat and wrapped it around his wrists.

"You remembered Jamie" He murmured.

"Yes Kendall, please keep talking, please" I begged as I took my coat off and wrapped it around his freezing frame. "What did I remember?"

When he didn't reply I frantically looked at his face and saw his eyes starting to close.

"No! You stay with me Kendall Knight!" I shouted, wrapping my body so tightly around his for warmth.

"You remembered..." He said in a faint whisper.

"What, what did I remember?"

"You remember what I told you about the forest, about how it's my favourite place"

"Of course I did! I remember everything you've ever told me. I know your favourite TV show is Scrubs because it annoys your parents who are both doctors and think it's unrealistic. I know your favourite band is Coldplay and that you love chocolate ice cream but you hate vanilla. When you were five your Mum bought you a bunny rabbit and you named him Buttons. You want to play hockey for the Minnesota Wild but you never think you'll be good enough, which is false because you are amazing." I said as the tears streamed down my face and I rocked us back and forth on the ground. "Kendall, keep talking to me please!"

"You like vanilla but you hate chocolate" He smiled faintly.

"Yes, yes chocolate is the worst flavour" I said with a laugh through tears as I flew my hand down to get my pocket out of my phone so I could call 911.

"FUCK!" I screamed, causing his limp body to jolt slightly.

"What is it Jamie?' He murmured.

I had no signal. I had no fucking signal. This isn't happening to me. No no no no no no no.

"Kendall, please listen to me" I begged "Kendall I love you so much ok? Please stay strong? Please please" I could barely talk through my uncontrollable tears.

"I... I"

"No Kendall stay with me!" I said frantically as his eyes began to close again.

"I love you too Jamie"

And then his eyes closed...

"KENDALL NO!" I screamed... but his eyes didn't open again.

"KENDALL PLEASE! NO! SOMEBODY! ANYBODY HELP US!" I bellowed through the woods.

"Kendall I love you, I love you I love you" I whispered into his hair.

But there was no response. Not from Kendall... not from anyone else... we were alone.

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I will try... to fix you.