A/N: Updating again! I know, it's crazy.

So I think this story is making me insane, like literally insane. It's worrying.

This chapter is a complete and total mind fuck. Just putting it out there. I am leaving it up to you whether or not you think it's real ;) So time to put your brains on people. Try and think of the chapter in Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows were Harry goes to get killed by Voldemort and after the spell is cast Harry "wakes up" in Kings Cross and talks to Dumbledore... K? Any other HP nerds out there...?

But, enjoy it. And when you're reading this and feeling like you want to punch me just wait until the A/N down the bottom :)

And you guys are still awesome for reviewing/favourting by the way :) I wish so much so reply to your reviews but I find it impossible not to give away the story in my replies... Oops!

xx

Chapter 14 - Back To Where It All Began

James P.O.V

I felt... Disconnected. Yes I think disconnected was the right feeling. I felt like reality was so close within my grasp but something was stopping me from completely holding on and it was so frustrating. Was I dreaming? It kind of felt like a dream... Like you know when you're in a dream and you're trying to run away and you know you have to run but your legs just won't move? Well that's how I feel right now. I know there's something I should be doing, somewhere I should be going but... my legs just won't move. I also felt like it couldn't be a dream because whilst my brain knew it wasn't real it still felt kind of... real, like everything was too clear. I recognised where I was instantly and it was a weird place to be having this... thing. It was Dr Logan Mitchell's doctor's surgery. Everything was as I remembered it. Paintings covering the soft blue walls, the large window that overlooked the park behind the surgery, his large oak wood desk scattered with papers, doctor's equipment and even if I remembered correctly the same "Doctor Knows Best" mug in the corner. My hand instantly flew to my ribs, because I thought maybe somehow I had been transported back 6 months ago... But no, my rib was completely fine. What the hell was going on?

"Finally" I heard a voice say from behind, which had spinning around faster than I could blink.

Kendall...

"I... what..." I stuttered at a complete loss of words. What was happening?

"I've been waiting for you" he said casually as he stood in the exact same position I first saw him.

"This isn't real... This must be a dream"

"I think it's whatever you want it to be James" Kendall replied with a smile.

"But... It feels almost too real to be a dream but I can't...This is so frustrating! Wait..." I said suddenly, looking at Kendall as it all returned to me.

Kendall, New York, Thanksgiving, hockey, the fight with Dak, the principal's office, Kendall crying goodbye, running through the woods to save him, finding him on the ground covered in blood...

It all hit me like a tonne of bricks.

"You and me... the woods... Oh my god Kendall you committed suicide!" I said frantically, jumping out of the chair but not really knowing where to go. I wanted to try get out but I just... couldn't.

"I am yet to finish the job" He said with a shrug, leaning against the door frame.

"Kendall what is this? I am so confused."

"Could be a figment of your imagination... Could be a figment of my imagination... Who really knows?"

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"I kind of felt like I 'woke up' here once I fell asleep in your arms"

"So you remember that? You remember me coming to find you?"

"Of course" He said in a small voice, face now clouded with sadness.

"Kendall I don't know what this is and I think it might just be me going crazy but if there is any chance that somehow what I say will get through to you" I began in a ramble, moving closer to him and reaching for his hands that were so, so cold; like death.

"Kendall you have to know that I love you alright? I don't know what's going to happen or what's happening but no matter what happens I love you and I always will alright?"

"I can't believe you found me" He said in barely a whisper, clutching onto my hands like they were life support. "I can't believe you remembered everything I told you that first night... Jamie... Jamie I've been such an idiot"

"No you haven't Kendall I've been the idiot. If it wasn't for me none of this would even be happening"

"No!" He said fiercely, "It's not your fault ok?"

"But Kendall –"

"No listen to me. No matter what happens to me I don't want you to blame yourself. I've been such an idiot and... I want to tell you something"

He held onto my hands tighter and I was completely wrapped in what he had to say. I was still conscious that this was probably just my sleep induced mind going crazy over potentially losing Kendall but having him in front of me now just felt like somewhere, somehow this conversation was really taking place and what he was saying was real... Or it might just be me imagining what I would want him to say...

"When you ended things with me six months ago I was such a mess James. I thought moving to New York would be what was best for me because I wouldn't have to see you... Over time I realised though that being away from you wasn't helping me get better because I was killing myself, figuratively, over why things ended and I always thought maybe if I just spoke to you one last time, to really figure things out... I think I wrote like a thousand emails and even a couple of letters –"

"Me too" I interjected quickly, "I've still got them all saved. Kendall if we both make it out of this I'm going to read them to you ok?"

"Ok" He said with a small smile before he continued. "But James, I just couldn't face seeing you because I knew it would hurt too much. I spent six months shedding tears over you and it got to the point where I just wanted it to stop."

"Kendall, I'm so sorry" I said through the sobs that were now forming.

"Don't be sorry, as I said it's my fault. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did, I shouldn't have run away. The first time I cut... I'm not going to lie to you, it helped. My heart was hurting so much that I felt as though I could really distract from that if I inflicted physical pain. I know it's stupid, trust me. And I know what I've now done is so, so stupid. When I was running through the woods trying to get as far away as possible I felt as if my heart was being crushed and it was just horrible. Partly I took the blade to my wrists because I kind of wanted that pain to stop. The thing is though, once I started cutting and the deeper I got the more I realised that whilst I may resent you, slightly, I don't want to die and leave you."

"Oh god Kendall" I said with tears in my eyes, "Please resent me all you want but never lose that, never lose the desire to live"

"The other thing is, even though I should resent you and hate you and never want to see you again I can't help but love you. Can you promise me something?"

"Anything, I promise you anything"

"If we make it out of this, can we be together? I want to be with you, and no matter what you've done it's not going to change how I feel"

"Oh Kendall" I said, collapsing into his shoulder and holding him tight. "I don't... I don't know if I could"

I could feel his body tense underneath my own as he started to get angry. "I would have thought after you running to save me and holding me in tears saying you loved me would be enough –"

"No Kendall no it's not that I don't love you, because I do and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, it's just that after everything that's happened I wouldn't be able to look into your eyes and not think about how I drove you to such a point where you want to kill yourself" I cried.

"Silly James" He sighed, putting his arms around me and resting his head on mine. "Have you not been listening to a word I've said? I don't want you to blame yourself for this. What I have done is completely my own actions alright? My stupid, idiotic actions and I will pay the consequences"

"You can't say that though Kendall" I groaned into his shoulder. "If it wasn't for me none of this would even be happening"

"I'll admit that you made me very sad, but the action in which to harm myself is by my own doing. Did you tell me to take a knife to my wrists? No"

"You realise I will never see it that way don't you?"

"Well then every morning that I wake up in your arms you'll just have to remind me that you love me and you're never letting go so I know to never do it again"

The image entered my mind of Kendall and I in a large double bed, a mixture of sheets and limbs. Our faces so close they were almost touching and we were just looking deep into one another's eyes... Smiles on our faces and nothing but love in our hearts... it was perfect.

"I wish you would stop crying" He sighed, planting a soft kiss to my hair.

"I just... I just don't think you're going to make it" I said in barely a whisper.

"Hey, I'm still here aren't I? I think I would know if I were dead"

"How do you feel though Kendall? Like right now?"

"I feel... cold. Cold and disconnected. As each minute passes I feel myself slipping away more and more, but having you here helps. Holding onto you now I feel a little bit closer to life"

"Me too" I whispered.

"I'm so glad you found me. Not necessarily to save me but more to just be there. I know this is going to sound insane, but after I drifted off from consciousness I kind of 'woke up' nowhere, there was just nothing and I assumed that this must be death. But then I heard something... and it was so faint but I followed it. The closer I got the more I felt like maybe I could really wake up again, I didn't of course but it helped. And then suddenly I knew what it was, and I could feel life in my veins, I felt like I could cling on just that little bit tighter"

"What was it?" I asked like a child who was hearing a fascinating bed time story.

"It was... It was you Jamie. Singing... Tonight you will sleep for good; you will wait for me, my love..."

I stared at him in disbelief, eyes shining with tears. "And Jamie, I might sleep for good tonight, but I did wait for you here, my love"

I kissed him then, the whole situation being too much for me to bear as salty tears mixed in with the taste of his sweet lips.

The kiss spoke thousands of words I would just never have been able to say. A thousand apologies, a thousand messages of love, all rolled into one heart breaking kiss.

"I never should have let you go Kendall" I whispered against his lips.

"Then don't now" He replied, reaching one hand up to cradle my face as he kissed me again softly.

"Your hands are so cold" I said as I held his hand that was still placed lightly upon my cheek.

"All of me is cold, and I'm only getting colder"

"Please don't say that..." I barely whispered, our foreheads now resting against one another's.

"But Jamie... you're cold too. Don't you feel it?"

"But how can I be cold... Am I dying too Kendall?"

"I don't... I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen" He said with tears. "You shouldn't have run after me James"

"How could I not? You're my everything. And Kendall... if you don't wake up... well then I don't want to either"

"No no no" He groaned, eyes closing. Our foreheads were still pressed together and I could see the pain on his face and the grip he had on my cheek tightened. "You are not going anywhere. Someone will come and save you and you will be ok"

"But Kendall, what if... what if this is heaven? You and me, together forever? We can just stay like this, just the two of us..."

I was going crazy, I know. But I just couldn't help but think that maybe this was meant to happen... Fate was taking us back to where it all began.

"James I don't think this is heaven... I think this is someone giving us the chance to say a proper goodbye"

"But I don't want to say goodbye" I whispered

"Neither do I" He said with a small smile, green orbs now looking into mine. "I wish I hadn't of been so mentally insane"

"And I wish I hadn't of been such a horrible person"

"You're not a horrible person" He sighed.

"Kendall... Kendall I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you"

"Here feel this" He said, removing his hand from my cheek and interlocking our fingers over his heart. "What do you feel?"

At first I felt nothing, nothing but a hollow shell beneath my finger tips. But then...

"There's a heartbeat" I said in disbelief and hope.

"Yes, there's a heartbeat" He said with a faint smile, "So I'm not dead yet, and –"

He took my other free hand and placed it on my heart.

"And feel that? You have a heart beat too"

We stood like that for awhile, just staring at one another and feeling our hearts beating in time. His was slightly fainter than mine, but I felt like if I could just keep looking into his eyes and holding his heart in my hand I could get it to beat strong once more.

"James... I want to cling onto this heartbeat" Kendall said after what could have been a few minutes or even a few hours. Time wasn't a relevant factor in this universe we had created for ourselves.

"Yes, yes Kendall cling on" I urged.

"But it's hard. With you here I feel stronger, but I still feel... I still feel myself slipping away"

I closed the gap between us then; nose's barely touching and hands still on hearts.

"Hold on Kendall. Hold on for me" I said quietly.

"I'm trying"

I brought my lips to his softly once more; cherishing this moment with everything I had left.

"James I'm cold, I'm so cold. I can't... I can't feel anything but the cold" He said ever so quietly against my lips.

"Hold on" I whispered into his hair as I put my arms around his body, holding him so tight he might break.

It felt like an eternity before he spoke again, but it didn't matter, I just held him closer and closer. As I held him images began to flash through my mind. When I first saw him right in this very doorway, his face lit in dim candlelight at dinner when he told me he liked me, our first kiss up against my car, how my heart felt when he placed light kisses down my bruised chest in bed, the look on his face when we made love; his face full of love and trust. Falling asleep with him in my arms on that second night and whispering into his ear 'I love you Kendall, and I'm never letting you go' Nothing but the good bits.

I'm never letting you go...

"James..." He whispered. "James I think it's time"

"No!" I said fiercely, tightening my hold on him. "I am never letting you go"

"Eventually we all have to let go James... Let me go"

"I am not letting you go"

"Please James... I feel ready now. Having you here has meant everything to me, when you wake up I want you to hold this moment in your heart forever"

"I am not leaving you!" I cried, now leaning back far enough so I could grasp the sides of his face with my hands.

My hold on him began to loosen and whilst I knew I was holding him as hard as I could he felt like paper beneath my finger tips.

"James promise me you will fight, I just know someone is coming for you and you must hold on. I want to hold on but I think I've held on long enough now. This is what's meant to happen. Remember, this is my mistake, don't blame yourself for it"

"Kendall you must hold on too!" I sobbed, trying to pull him into my arms but just not being able to gather enough strength.

"James, I wouldn't trade anything for having the chance to have known you. I will cherish every moment we spent together forever, and no matter what happens to me now, I will never forget you"

"Kendall no... Please no... Hold on" I tried to say through my tears.

"You have to go back now James, you have to go and save yourself. Be strong for me" He said with tears falling down his perfect face.

"I don't want to wake up'

"But you will, and you must. Someone is coming to save you... someone is coming..."

"I can't lose you, I won't lose you"

"James..." He said softly, voice now so low I felt like he was walking away from me. "I love you"

"I love you too" I whispered in reply as I felt this state of mind crumble around me. "Wait... wait!" I cried suddenly, "Kendall don't go! Please! Stay with me!"

I could see him in my vision but no longer the clear image as if he were standing in front of me, his mouth opened to speak but he was struggling to form words. "I love you" He whispered once more.

Then the image was gone, the desk was gone, the paintings, the window, it was all gone. There was nothing but black... black emptiness.

Logan P.O.V

It didn't take long for Carlos to call half the town down and Logan was grateful the search and rescue team had caught up with him so fast, the prospect of searching for James and Kendall alone was daunting and far beyond his full mental capabilities at the moment. Any minute now he will have a nervous breakdown and fall apart on the forest floor. But not yet... not until he finds the two boys... dead or alive.

After what feels like all night Logan hears, "I'VE FOUND THEM!"

For a split second Logan stops, unable to comprehend what he has just heard. But before he has any real time to think it over he sprints in the direction he heard the man's voice, which is he guesses about 400 metres east.

Initially he feels an overwhelming sense of joy.

Yes, oh yes thank you God. Thank you thank you thank He repeats over and his mind as he runs, thanking a God he doesn't really believe in for finding James and Kendall.

However soon this feeling of joy makes way to pure dread.

Logan can't help but let his brain wander to the terrifying possibility... Please, please have made it.

Logan see's a torch in the distance and he is now running so fast it's a wonder his legs don't fly out beneath him.

When he finally reaches his destination the sight before him is... horrid. Completely horrid.

James and Kendall are being half covered by the search and rescue man who discovered them but Logan see's enough in those first two seconds to see nothing but blood, ghost white skin and closed eyes... James' body is wrapped around Kendall's protectively but there is no life within James' limbs to be holding on as tight as Logan suspected he initially was.

"No no no no no" Logan cries as he throws his body at the two cold boys on the ground.

As a Doctor the rational part of Logan's brain tells him to start looking for pulses and a sign of life but the father part of his brain is telling him to do nothing but cry and seek the answers from another.

"Are they alive?" He begs through sobs to the man who found them who now has his radio out and is speaking so loud and fast Logan can barely hear.

"Dr Mitchell..." The man begins to say, voice full of pain and sorrow.

Logan doesn't dare look up into his eyes. His voice says it all.

Are they alive? Are they dead? WHO KNOWS! I know ;)

Also, was that real? Did Kendall and James really talk somewhere in the afterlife? Are they in limbo before death? Or is it all just a figment of James' unconscious imagination? WHO KNOWS! I know ;) And yes it will be explained.

I promise I promise I promise there will be no more guessing in the next chapter. Ok? I promise.

If I were to leave myself a review after this chapter it would say something along the lines of: OH MY GOD YOU BITCH! PLEASE JUST TELL US IF THEY DIE OR NOT! OR AT LEAST IF JAMES SURVIVES AND KENDALL DIES? YOU ARE SO ANNOYING!

So yes trust me, I know how you feel. But you should review anyway to let me know what you think of this because reviews make life better, they honestly do :)