A/N: And she returns with a new chapter! :)

Just a short one here, with a few different point of views and things. I'm also ending it in a terrible spot, so please don't hate me!

There's not too much to say, except that the "poem" of sorts in the italics at the beginning is my own words, not song lyrics, or some poem from the internet - it's all me baby. That's why it's probably not great! It's just a little drabble I thought of when thinking of Kendall.

Anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter and as always please review because it makes me happy :) You're all beautiful.

Chapter 16 - Death Is Hard - Living Is Harder.

Kendall.

In the darkness I wait, like a creature in the night hunting its prey.
A never ending darkness, gripping onto my soul.
Please let me surrender from the darkness, from the pain.
Let me surrender from this sorrow that remains in my chest.

There must be more to life than the darkness.
More to life other than this pain that I feel will never leave.
Let me leave. Let it end.
In the darkness I wait, letting the black consume me until there is nothing left.

There is nothing, I feel nothing, I am nothing. I didn't think death was supposed to be like this. Wasn't the pain meant to stop? Wasn't I meant to be released from the pain and suffering? Why do I still feel like something, somewhere is keeping me hanging on?

Death wasn't meant to be like this.

I'm not sure when I realised that maybe in fact this wasn't death. It may have been somewhere in between the darkness, the hurt, the chest crushing pain and the screams that infiltrated my senses, but suddenly it was there, that tiny spark that told me; you are alive.

After I got that spark I decided to hold on, I didn't want to die. There was something else telling me to hold on... I know it's crazy but... James... no, definitely crazy.

James... I can't believe he had come for me. When I heard his voice call through the woods I thought Death's icy grip must have already taken a hold of me because there was no way James would know where to come looking... but he did. As he held me in his arms as I lay dying I decided to push any feelings of resentment aside, he shouldn't have to suffer more than what I was already putting him through and I didn't want our final moments together to be one's of hate, I wanted them to be one's of love. But now that I realise I am alive I... I don't know how to feel.

Death is hard, but living is harder.

Logan.

Logan smiled slightly at the site before his eyes. Some would say it was an image parents would not want to face, but Logan believes seeing his son in a hospital bed is an improvement from holding Kendall on the cold forest flood, covered in blood. It has been two days, maybe three, Logan is not too sure, he has barely left Kendall's side since he was admitted into hospital. It was chaos, complete and utter chaos. Logan can't decide whether or not the most stressful moment in his life was running to find Kendall and James in the woods or when the two were being transported to hospital. Both were hanging on by a thread and every minute that wasn't spent getting them to professional medical help was a minute that was left for the God's to decide.

The situation with James was tough to say the least. Of course his parents had been contacted and had showed up at the hospital. Logan feared a Doctor would have to actually inject Mrs Diamond just to get her to calm down, because both she and Mr Diamond had absolutely no clue as to who Kendall even was and the fact that their son had run for miles through the woods, risking his life to save a boy who was trying to commit suicide was a concept they were trying to get their heads around. Logan felt sorry for James, it was clear to the dark haired Doctor that explaining the situation to his parents was going to be tough for James but Logan already knew he was going to be there when the time was right.

James had awoken the morning after they had been brought to hospital, eyes wide and heart frantic. James and Kendall were in different areas of the hospital so when Logan got the message James had awoken he was sprinting to James' ward as fast as his legs would carry him.

"James, James" Logan had soothed once he made it to the brunettes side.

"What's happening? Where am I?" James asked frantically, trying to sit up but body rejecting the idea.

"James, you're in the hospital. We found you in the woods last night; you've suffered some pretty serious hypothermia that's why you're here. Your body went into shock from the whole ordeal and it was close to shutting down, but you held on." Logan says as he holds one of James' hands in his own.

As soon as Logan speaks his words James breaks down into a fit of uncontrollable tears.

"James, what is it?" Logan asks, now panicked.

"I can't believe I survived" James sobs, bringing his hand that isn't holding Logan's to his face.

"James why are you crying?" Logan asks softly, now sitting on the edge of James' bed.

"I c-can't, words don't even, L-Logan I'm so sorry"

Logan squeezes James' hand tight and is trying not to panic over James' now frantic episode of tears and body shaking sobs.

"You shouldn't have found me in the woods" James cries.

"Why on earth would you say that?" Logan says quietly.

"I wanted, I w-wanted to die with K-Kendall"

Logan is now beginning to panic at how traumatised James is, it's heartbreaking.

"James, James please listen to me" Logan urges, "James Kendall isn't dead"

James.

"James, James please listen to me" Logan tries to practically yell at me. But it's almost impossible to listen when I feel like someone is ripping apart my soul. I've awoken here, awoken in this hospital with Logan's hand in mine, wondering how I survived because as each minute passes the reality becomes clearer and clearer; I've lost Kendall. I've lost him and there's nothing that will ever bring him back. It's all my fault.

"James Kendall isn't dead"

I feel as if time stops, breathing stops, life stops.

"James did you hear me? Kendall is alive!" Logan pleads and I notice small tears now rolling down his cheeks.

"He's... he's not?" I choke, voice hoarse and dry.

"No James listen, you have to calm down"

It was at that moment I realised I was still crying uncontrollably, but I couldn't help it. Tears of sadness were slowly being replaced with tears of joy.

"Oh my god, oh my god" I sob into my arm that is covering my eyes.

Kendall is alive. I can't believe it. He died, he slipped through my fingers in my... And that's when I remembered. Slipping it unconsciousness, Logan's Doctors surgery, talking with Kendall, sharing our final moments together, him telling me I had to let him go and move on with my life. Was that real? Or was it indeed just a complete figment of my imagination?

"I have to go see him!" I said suddenly, trying to sit up but Logan's hands quickly on my shoulders to push me back down.

"No James" Logan soothes, "You need to rest. Kendall isn't awake."

"Has he woken up at all?"

"No, and we're not sure when he will. He lost a lot of blood. You're lucky you found him when you did and stopped the bleeding. If it wasn't for you James, Kendall would be dead"

"That's not true" I said in almost a whisper. "If it wasn't for me you would never have to worry about Kendall dying in the first place"

And it's true. I will never, ever forgive myself.

"James you listen to me" Logan says with a low but commanding voice, causing me to stare into his eyes. "This is not your fault. Kendall is very sick, and we will get him the help he needs."

"No, he's not. He doesn't need help, he just didn't need me"

"Yes James, he is. I've been a Doctor for a long time now and I hate to say this but with or without you this was bound to happen sooner or later. I should have seen it sooner, noticed something sooner... but eventually Kendall would have dealt with all his problems this way, it's a psychological cry for help, and an action which his brain will associate with for a long time. This isn't going to go away James. Even if you make him happy again and vow not to hurt him there's no saying that Kendall won't deal with other issues in this same way. He knows now that harming himself is a way to relieve that mental pain, and I know you may promise to never hurt him but it won't take much for him to be thrown off balance. A small fight, a seemingly non important argument... it will all get to him. Kendall needs help now more than ever."

I didn't want to believe his words, but deep down I knew he was right. But above all this, and possibly the most heart crushing thing of all is that I will never be right for Kendall, no matter what I do I will end up hurting him. I might not mean to, I will never intend to but something I say, something I do will touch him in a way that has his body screaming at himself to release the pain... and I won't put him through that.

It has now been three days since Kendall and I ended up in hospital and since I was given the ok to finally get out of bed I have barely left his side and neither has Logan. As I look to Logan I see him smile slightly and I can tell what he is thinking; he is happy his son his alive. And I am too; words will never describe how happy I am Kendall survived, but I am still anxious. Logan says I shouldn't stress too much over Kendall not being awake yet but it's kind of hard not to stress, I still feel like he could slip through my fingers at any minute.

I want to be here for him when he wakes up, I want him to look into my eyes and I know that I am never leaving his side any time soon. But it's the waiting that's killing me...

I've had a lot of time to think as I've been sitting here by Kendall's side. One of the biggest things that has been playing on my mind was brought about by my parents. They were completely beside themselves of course, my Mum hysterical. Not long after I had woken up Logan had told me they had been here but he sent them home to calm them down, but once I was awake they were back. It was... tense, to say the least. Questions, all I heard were questions.

"Who is Kendall?" "Why did he try and kill himself?" "Why did you run after him?" "Why did you put your own life on the line for someone you don't even know?"

And then of course followed the assumptions and guesses...

"It just seems like a lot for just a friend..." "If you wanted to tell us something you would, wouldn't you James?"

The problem was I was having a dilemma over what to tell them. Every time they tried to start a conversation with me I would claim I was tired and needed to rest, or telling them that now wasn't the time to talk and I had to be there for Kendall. I think that probably did it for them. I saw my Mum watch me as I held Kendall's hand yesterday and was caressing his face lightly with my fingertips. I guess that's not normal "friend" behaviour.

I'm scared, I'm so scared. I'm scared about coming out to my parents, I'm scared about my friends finding out, but I know that Kendall is worth it now; he is worth whatever life has to throw at me. There's no doubt that the whole story about what happened in the woods will be around town and school before I even have time to count to 10. I know that many of the search and rescue men have children at my school and it won't take long until the story of how Kendall Knight tried to commit suicide and James Diamond ran to save him, only to be discovered nearly dead as well and arms wrapped so tightly around Kendall's when they were found... yeah I wasn't stupid. Especially seeing as ever since I broke up with Sarah my sexuality and "relationship" with Kendall has been under scrutiny anyway.

I don't want to face any of this, but I'll try.

"James, you really should go home" Logan says softly, breaking me out of my thoughts.

"Not yet. I just have a feeling, it's going to be soon" I replied, rubbing circled into the back of Kendall's hand with my thumb.

And that "feeling" was almost 3 hours and 25 minutes later when...

"J-James?" I heard Kendall say in whisper.

I snapped my head up from where I had been resting on the side of Kendall's bed and had to practically stop myself from lunging myself at him, however I did lean forward and place one hand gently on his cheek.

"Hi" I said with a small smile, looking deep into those emerald eyes that I had missed so much.

"Where... where am I?"

"The hospital" I replied softly.

"I didn't die" He says with a sigh, shutting his eyes and turning away from my gaze.

This is what I had feared, one of my deepest fears, that he would awake and regret having survived. It broke my heart. It also helped me realise that our "conversation" in Logan's surgery was all a dream. Although... it still felt so real.

"No Kendall, you didn't die. You returned to me" I said, adding slight volume to my voice so I knew he would be forced to hear my words and take them in.

"Where's Logan? My Mum? Katie?" Said Kendall, ignoring my words.

"They've all been here; your Mum took Katie home because it was almost getting to be too much for her though. Logan's still here, he actually slipped out not that long ago for some fresh air and water, he's hardly left your side"

"And neither have you?"

"No, I've been here since I woke up as well." I was now sitting on the edge of his bed, the urge to lie down and wrap my arms around him reaching a breaking point.

"Since you woke up?" He asked, eyes slightly confused.

"Yes, it took awhile for us to be found. I slipped into an unconscious state from the cold and the shock, but I'm fine"

"Oh James" He sighed, squeezing my hand gently.

"Do you want me to go get Logan?" I asked suddenly.

"No, not yet" He responded quietly, "I need to talk to you"

I swallowed; throat now feeling dry and stomach nervous. "Of course."

"I didn't want you to find me, and I wish you hadn't. You need to understand James, no matter what has happened and no matter how my heart feels; I will never forgive you for how you betrayed me"

To be continued...

Don't stab me! Haha. But honestly, I want to hear your opinions.

And, the next chapter will pick up immediately from where this ends so really I'm just being a giant tease.