A/N: I don't think words even begin to describe this chapter. It is short, but I think it's the saddest thing I've ever written. At one point I got so emotional I had to put my computer down and just walk away to clear my head.
I'm not going to be liked after this, I know. But please keep in mind, it's still not the end ok? I anticipate maybe 2 or 3 more chapters.
I love you all, whether or not you hate me :)
Please please please listen to the song "I Can't Make You Love Me" on YouTube by Bon Iver. There are a few different versions but the Bon Iver one is what I had on repeat whilst writing this - if you listen to it, it will add so much depth to the words I write and James sings it at the end.
Also, I realise that at some point Logan would probably come in or come back but for the purposes of the story he decided to go home and James and Kendall are alone for the night, ok? Oh and it's night time.
Now, on with the story...
Chapter 17 - I Can't Make You Love Me.
James.
I feel my heart breaking, no shattering, in my chest. "Kendall..."
"Come here" He whispers, leading me by the hand onto the bed and under the covers. Our noses are inches apart and I can feel everything that he is on my breath.
For a while there are no words, just clasped hands and locked eyes. I want to stay like this forever; I don't want him to tell me we are over. I want to hold him, to love him, to cherish him, and never leave until he tells me to go. The problem is, he is telling me to go now and I don't know if my heart can handle that.
"Kendall..." I whispered after what felt like an eternity. "There are so many things I want to say to you, so many things I want you to know that I never got the chance to say..."
"I know this might sound insane" He whispered in return, "But I feel like I know. Like there's a voice in my head telling me we had a chance to say goodbye"
"Me too. There are words, feelings, emotions on the tip of my tongue that I feel happened in another time, another life, but they feel so real... maybe like dreams"
"Tell me something. Help me remember"
"I sang to you... and I feel like you know I did"
He simply stared at me for a few moments, eyes confused and full of pain before he began, "Tonight you will sleep for good; you will wait for me, my love..."
"And you did wait for me... somewhere; somehow you told me that you waited..."
"Don't cry" He whispered, leaning forward ever so slightly to kiss away the tears that were now beginning to roll down my face.
"I didn't want to let you go... I never want to let you go"
"I know you didn't. I know you love me... but it's not enough. As I lay dying I thought about my life, and everything that has happened and I have to focus on me James. I don't want to die"
"I can't make you love me if you won't" I whispered, silent tears getting caught in my throat.
"Please... please don't" He said as he closed his eyes softly, tears threatening to spill from their beautiful emerald encasing.
"I want you to know" I said silently as I placed one of my hands gently on the side of his face. "I want you to know that I will always hold you in my heart"
"And you will always own my heart" He responded, emerald eyes now shining with tears as they looked into my own.
"Is love... is love not enough?"
"I wish it was. I want to tell you that no matter what obstacles we have faced, no matter what has happened I want you in my life..."
"Then tell me that, please" I begged through tears.
"I want that to be true, I want those to be the words that leave my lips... but now that I have a second chance at life I must hold on"
"Can't you hold on with me?"
"James, you need to live your own life. I will only ever bring you down"
"No" I cried softly, "You will never bring me down"
"There is so much pain behind your eyes Jamie, and I know that that pain is never going to go away when you look into my eyes over what I have done. I want you to be free; I want you to live a life where you won't feel pain"
"A life without you is pain"
Kendall closed his eyes, tears now well and truly streaming down his face.
"Please Kendall, please let me love you. Let me show you all the love I have to offer"
"I can't accept your love. I'm so sorry" He sobbed quietly.
"I can't make your heart feel something it won't"
We lay like that for awhile, no words being spoken, just silent tears and linked fingers. I didn't want to believe it was over, after everything we had faced, but it was and I realised that now. Kendall has changed my life in ways I will never be able to put down in words, but it has changed me for the better. I want to hold onto these last moments we have together, to feel his hands in mine and foreheads rested together softly. Once I leave this bed everything that we were will be no more, I will leave Kendall's life and we will go our separate ways. Soon I will be graduating high school and I will move away from this town, this city, this state... move away from Kendall. And that's how it should be... but why is it so hard to say goodbye?
"Kendall" I said in a whisper, "Just let me hold you, for one more night. One more perfect night before the sun rises and everything we were ends. Please give me one more night of your love"
"You'll always have my love Jamie"
"But it's not enough"
"No..." He whispers through painful tears, "But hold me. Just one last time"
"I love you"
"I love you too, forever"
I closed my eyes and breathed him in, letting who he is consume me one last time.
"Please sing to me" He whispers against my lips, "I miss your voice"
I didn't respond with talk, instead I felt a song on my lips that was so perfect.
Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me.
I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you don't, no you don't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.
If you don't, no you won't.
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight.
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
I can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
I can't make you love me if you don't
If you don't, no you won't.
"My heart will always belong to you Kendall" I whisper before sleep consumes me.
And that's how the night ends.
With silent tears, love, loss and a pain that will remain in my chest for as long as I shall live.
:( I'm sorry. It's what Kendall wanted me to do and James just couldn't argue... *cries*