A/N: Hey there my favourite people. Here I am with a new chapter. I'm pretty impressed I managed to get this one out. Just to get a little personal with you guys for a moment, I had to be taken to the hospital the other night after my parents calling 000 (same as 911) and it wasn't great. My heart was trying to give up on me for a minute there and Im only 20 for godsake, although I'm not very good with my health... I don't eat a lot and exercise too much and yeah... BUT I'm ok. After a nice night in the ER taking lots of tests and being injected with about 4 different shots and hooked up to this insane heart monitor I think Im all better (for now). Lots of different medication to take now and lots of doctors appointmets to attend, physical and psychological. Life hates me. But it meant I have been completely bed ridden so lot's of writing for me!

So here we go! :) I think after this there will be two more chapters. The next one will be the hockey game and then after that a little epilogue :)

Also if you guys have any questions about the story please don't hesitate to ask because the whole world is in my head for this fic, so even though I'll never write about something, like for example what Jo and Camille think about Kendall trying to commit suicide, it's still there in my brain, the conversation they would have and everything. So please ask me questions! I'm happy to respond.

Enjoy!

The title of this chapter is from the song "You Could Be Happy" by Snow Patrol. Check it out! My music choices reflect the feel of the chapter oh and italics are flashbacks!

Chapter 18 - You Could Be Happy.

James.

It hurts. It still does, everyday. But I've learned to live with it, slowly. It hasn't even been that long, maybe a month but it doesn't matter, it could be five years from now and it would still hurt. It's the last week of school, which could either be seen as a positive or a negative. End of school, end of high school... Time to move on with my life, move away, go to college, make something of myself, which i3s a good thing, right?

The morning after Kendall and I spent the night together there was a silent understanding between us. Actually to be honest I didn't really understand. Logan woke us up, with a soft smile on his face but that smile soon disappeared once Kendall and I both got up. There were no words, just an embrace. I looked at him and just knew that that was going to be the last opportunity I would ever get so I pulled him in close, clutching onto him for dear life as tears threatened to spill at the corner of my eyes. When I pulled back there were tears beginning to stain his cheeks and the urge to reach out and kiss the tears away was burning hot in my veins, but I resisted. Instead with one last longing glance I turned away, offering Logan a sad smile before I left the hospital. That was... tough.

Luckily after that it was Thanksgiving break so I didn't have to face school immediately but I did have to face something just as terrifying, my parents. They were at the hospital when I left Kendall's room and I knew they had seen us holding each other tightly in our sleep. I had already been discharged the night previous so I was free to leave straight away. My parents didn't say anything the whole way home; it was like waiting for a bomb to go off. And yes, that bomb did eventually go off.

xXxXx

"James" My father said quietly as we walked through the door of our large three storey home.

"I'm going to bed" I responded, voice cracking from my emotional pain.

"No not yet, living room, now"

I groaned and reluctantly followed my parents.

I felt like I was being interrogated by the way they sat opposite me, eyes full of speculation and anticipation. It was awkward to say the least.

"James we need to talk about what happened. Dr Mitchell filled us in a little bit but he said it was really something we would have to hear from you. So please James, son, what happened? What is happening?"

I sighed and set my eyes downcast.

"Honey please, we just want to help you" My Mum pleaded softly which had me scoffing internally. They wouldn't help or understand me at all.

"Ok well, what do you want to know?"

"Who is Kendall Knight?" My Dad asked in a low voice.

"He goes to Breck, he's a junior"

"Ok ... And how do you know him?"

Ugh this was painful. I really didn't need this right now.

"Ok I'm just going to say it alright? Because I can see this conversation going on for hours"

They both nodded slowly and waited for me to continue.

"We met back in early June, when I broke my rib. I met him at Logan's, Dr Mitchell's, surgery and... Well then I took him out for dinner and then um we went back to his place and..." I felt my throat beginning to close up from how uncomfortable it was from having to tell my parents this story and from the pain of having to retell our first, blissful night together. "We slept together"

I was staring at my hands in my lap; I couldn't bear to see their expressions. "The love was pretty instant, for both of us. I sort of just knew he was... the one. But I was stupid. I was ashamed, a coward, I didn't want to let anyone know about us. I let my pride get in the way of my true feelings. I'm not going to go into the details but basically I tore his heart apart and we were over as soon as we begun and then... well then he moved away. And that was fine, well it wasn't fine, but at least he could move on and forget about the pain I caused him. But then... Then he came back last week for Thanksgiving break. That's when everything blew up. Dak told him what I did and it was just awful. He screamed at me, telling me that no matter how much I had hurt him he still loved me and he always would but he never wanted to see me again and then he told me how he had coped with his emotional pain... by hurting himself. Then He ran away and I let him go but I soon realised that maybe when he said "goodbye" to me it was more than just moving back to New York. Long story short I found him in the woods and held him in my arms as he was dying. It wasn't long before I too lost consciousness because it was just so cold... I thought Kendall had died, it was horrid. The next thing I knew I woke up in hospital and I soon found out Kendall had lived... So basically Kendall and I fell in love and then because I'm such a cruel, heartless bastard he was driven to kill himself. When he woke up last night I tried talking to him, telling him I would never hurt him but he just held me close and said that he couldn't accept my love anymore and we both just had to move on after everything that's happened. He is the absolute love of my life and I've lost him." The tears were now streaming down my face as I buried my head in my hands. I heard my mum crying too but I didn't look up, I didn't want to see her face let alone my Dad's.

"James..." My Dad began. "You are never to see him again, do you understand?"

I looked up at him then, looking through angry tears. He looked... I don't know... shocked, confused, angry, disappointed and even slight disgust... disgust in his own son, charming.

"Honey does this mean you're gay?" My Mum whispered softly.

"Yes Mum, I'm gay"

She buried her head in my Dad's shoulder and continued to cry harder.

"Seeing as you'll be finishing school and moving far away from this Kendall kid shortly I'm not going to do anything drastic but you are not to see him do you understand? And once you go to college I don't want any of this gay nonsense"

"You can't stop me from liking men Dad; I can't help who I fall in love with"

"That's where you're wrong. Who do you think is going to be paying for Princeton next year? You will go to college, get a girlfriend and learn the ways of the corporate world so you can take over the family business when you're ready. Then you will get married to a woman and give me beautiful grandchildren. I swear to god James, if I hear of any funny business you will be cut off. Do I make myself clear?"

"Crystal clear" I muttered.

xXxXx

So things hadn't been great, to say the least. Of course I would defy him for Kendall, but what would be the point? Kendall didn't want me anyway so I would just end up losing everything in my life. Seeing Kendall back at school after the break was hard but I was proud of him. He could have so easily of run off again and not faced his problems, but he did. Of course I could see him suffering, it seemed everyone knew he tried to commit suicide, and I knew everywhere he went was accompanied with stares and whispers. The biggest question everyone had on their lips was: Why? Of course immediately all fingers pointed to none other than, well, me. Somehow though, some inexplicable way how, my actual involvement in the whole situation and my near death was a complete secret which I guess I had to be thankful for but it didn't stop me from being the main suspect in Kendall's depression. However they could point their fingers all they wanted but they didn't really know what I could have actually done, especially seeing as no one had the guts to come up to me and straight out ask: Are you gay? Were you and Kendall in love? To be completely honest with you if someone flat out asked me that I don't think I would deny it anymore but seeing as no one did, I kept my mouth shut.

Things were tense with my own friends, not that I think I could even call them that anymore. I hadn't spoken to Dak since before Thanksgiving and it seemed none of our other friends really wanted to speak to me because of how I beat the shit out of Dak at hockey training... whatever, I don't need them anyway. At least I was still captain of the hockey team and hockey was the only thing keeping me sane at the moment; that and studying for finals distracted my mind enough if only for a second. And speaking of hockey, our final match of the season was on... tonight; the final of the state-wide championships. That made me nervous enough for now.

Although despite the nerves and the distraction I couldn't help but let my heart suffer as I sat in the cafeteria at lunch, being a loser sitting by myself and staring at Kendall and his friends, which by the way I am really happy for him that he has that support network, but I want him and I need him. We have spoken once since the whole ordeal about two weeks ago and that was tough, thinking about it now makes me want to cry.

Fuck. I miss him so much.

Kendall.

"I wish you would just go and talk to him"

"No, Camille" I sighed, picking at the fruit on my plate which held no interest.

"But just look at him... he looks so sad" She replied with a frown, staring over my shoulder to where I knew James was sitting.

"Yeah and I'm sad too, so I really don't need that right now" I grumbled.

She was quiet then and so were Jo and Carlos. They were so frustrating; they kept treating me like I was going to suddenly whip out a knife at any second and just kill myself in front of the whole school.

The last month had been hard, maybe one of the hardest of my life. There were just a million things going on at once that sometimes were almost too much to bear. There was coming back to school and having the entire student body whispering about me behind my back and trying to get a sneak peak at the bandages wrapped around my wrists, there was therapy my parents were putting me through which was a complete and utter waste of time, there was crying myself to sleep every night from my heartache of missing James and having to see him every day and then above all that there was that burning desire within my veins to cut when things got hard... and things were always hard. I hadn't been perfect since being released from hospital, I mean sure my parents pretty much locked up and hid everything sharp in the house but that didn't stop me one night going to the nearest drug store and buying a pack of razors. That was a hard day to say the least. James had bumped into me coming out of a classroom by pure coincidence which sent both of us and our books flying to the ground.

xXxX

"Ow" I muttered, not knowing who had just came practically running out of the science labs in the middle of a class and smashed me into the ground, but being the person I was I felt the need to apologise, especially seeing as I myself wasn't supposed to be there. The mystery person was probably expecting the hallways to be deserted.

"Sorry about that" I groaned, head still down and trying to collect all my books.

The person wasn't replying to me or apologising back... rude.

"Are you –"

I stopped everything, even breathing. There he was, right in front of me, close enough to touch. He was staring at me wide eyed and at a loss for words, hazel eyes filled with pain. I'd seen him before since that last night together at the hospital, but not like this, not so close.

"Are you ok?" He said softly, picking up my books with his and standing up straight.

He probably noticed I was still frozen on the ground so he extended a hand to help me up. I took it shyly and tried to ignore the connection that pulsed within my veins as our skin touched. Once I was now standing and standing directly in front of him I tried to release my hand but he wouldn't let me go.

"James..." I said softly.

"I've missed you" He whispered, squeezing my hand gently.

"I've missed you too"

He smiled sadly at me then, looking as if he was fighting back tears. "What are you doing out of class?"

"I just... I just needed to breathe. Clear my head."

"Same. Kendall... you're" He struggled to say, "You're all I ever think about and I just miss you so much and I can't stop loving you and I don't know what do and –"

"Stop" I whispered, lifting a hand to touch the side of his face gently. "Please don't. This only makes it hurt more."

"I'm sorry. How... how have you been? Are you alright?" He asked tentatively, using his thumb clasped around my hand to rub small circles into the bandages on my wrist, his face full of concern and sadness.

"I haven't tried to kill myself again if that's what you're asking"

"Kendall..." He sighed, voice full of pain. "Are you coping alright? With school and everything?"

"Not really, it's hard. It just sucks having everyone stare at you wherever you go, whispers and rumours flying around. No one has actually asked me what happened though, well apart from my friends of course."

"Do they know what happened?"

"Yes. Well Carlos knew straight away because he came to the house just after we went missing. Jo and Camille came and visited me in hospital after... after you left and I sort of just broke down and told them the entire story... I'm sorry"

"No, please don't be sorry. They deserve to know"

"So you're not freaking out that the whole school is going to find out? Wouldn't want to hurt your image or anything"

"Kendall it's not like that. If someone asks me I'm not going to lie, I will tell them the truth. But no one talks to me anymore"

"I'll see it when I believe it" I whispered with a soft smile.

"Kendall... please, give me another chance" He pleaded suddenly.

"I can't" I replied, swallowing down the lump in my throat. "What did your parents say?"

"Hmm" He groaned, anger flashing across his features. "I told them the whole story, pretty much from beginning to end and told them how much you mean to me. My Mum just cried and my Dad... well my Dad said I would have to knock of the "gay nonsense" and if there were to be any "funny business" between now and at College he would cut me off and not pay for Princeton"

I bowed my head and let out a sigh. This was exactly the reason I had to end things, I had to protect him. "I'm sorry James"

"Don't be. You have to know Kendall; if you were to let me I would scream to the whole world you are mine, forgot my Dad and his money"

"James..." I sighed, looking up once more and staring into his deep hazel pools. "I don't want you to do that, you need to have a future and with me you can't"

"I don't like the sound of a future without you though..." He said softly as he brought up our still connected hands to his lips and kissed the back of my hand gently, lips slowly moving up and placing the lightest of kiss on my bandaged wrist.

"Don't..." I choked, "Don't say things like that, it makes it worse"

"I'm sorry Kendall, but I love you. And despite what anyone says or whatever my Dad makes me do it's not going to stop me from loving you"

"I have to go" I said quickly, finally releasing our hands and taking my books from him.

"Kendall please, can't we just talk about this once more?"

"The talking's done, I'm sorry. Now please, go." I wanted to sound brave but my voice broke.

"Remember Kendall" He said as he leaned in close so his lips were hovering just next to my ear, "I would scream to the world, if you let me"

I suppressed a sob and turned quickly on my heel, walking away at a fast pace to leave as soon as I could.

xXxXx

I hadn't meant to cut that night, I had intended to go straight home from school but the minute I passed the drug store I felt that pull, drawing me in and telling me this was what needed to happen. I'd like to be able to tell you specifically why I felt like it helped but I can't. I guess the only way I can explain it is it's just the only way I feel like I have a grip on reality when life pushes down on me. The words he had spoken kept rolling around and around in my head and I wanted to forget them, forget him, but he was making it hard. As I dragged the sharp razor blade across my skin I focused on the way the blood splattered on the bathroom counter beneath, big red dots painting the clear surface. I focused on the sting of the cut, not the sting of my heart... and it helped. Like before I knew it was idiotic of me but for some reason that didn't stop. The worst part though was I already had such bad cuts that were stitched up from the woods and I basically undid the stitches and went deeper. I swear I didn't want to kill myself that time though...

Luckily Logan found me; I think I was about a minute or two away from collapsing on the bathroom floor, which would not have been great. He was absolutely beside himself, as was my Mum. They both spent all night crying and yelling and it just wasn't great. The next day I had to skip school to go and get my stitches resewn which hurt like a mother fucking bitch, but it's my own fault so whatever.

I think the worst part about doing that again to myself was the disappointment I saw in my parents eyes. It was almost crippling to have to look at them and see their trust me in me diminish. So basically for the last couple of weeks I have been on 24/7 suicide watch, which is ridiculous.

"Hey buddy, want to do something after school?" Carlos asked, causing me to jump slightly as I had been completely lost in thought.

"Yeah sure what were you thinking?"

"Um... You don't have to come, but I was thinking we should go to the hockey final" He said nervously.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "Yep, I wanna go."

"Are you... are you sure?"

"Yes" I replied with a small smile, opening my eyes to look at him. "I'll be fine, I promise"

We smiled at each other softly and I continued to look down at my food. I saw out of the corner of my eye him turn his head subtly and look at James; well I assumed he was looking at James as when he turned back around he looked incredibly sad.

I couldn't help myself, I just had to look, just one small glance and everything will be ok, right?

I cocked my head to the side discreetly, letting my eyes roam until they landed on him.

Fuck. I miss him so much.

The hockey game is already written in my mind and it's going to be epic!