Chapter Seven

The fifty sovereigns mark came and went, and the group still hadn't left for the Deep Roads. Hawke's overly cautious habits had held the expedition up by a whole two weeks; determined as she was to build more coin up to leave behind for her (undeserving) mother should anything untoward happen. Varric would have been pulling his beard out if he had one by now, though Marea liked to think that the overabundance of chest hair was thinning slightly – or perhaps she was simply imagining it.

Neither Hawke or Anders spoke much of what had been said the night he'd found her on the steps in Lowtown, or of the near acceptance of the interest each held in regards to the other; there had only been one time since where she had spent the night, and that had been because of an injury. Once again chivalry had left him cold and uncomfortable on the canvas bed; and though he wouldn't have minded sharing his bed with the blonde (because Maker knew he was perfectly capable of sleeping in the same bed as a woman without molesting her...he liked to think that at least) Marea had an adorable habit of blushing when he so much as saw her in her nightshirt or if she saw him wandering about the clinic on a morning shirtless. He had therefore decided that that particular brand of teasing out have to wait for a time where she could hold her own without turning red and mumbling to her feet.

The pair went for long stretches of time without seeing each other, as usual; she'd only come down when she needed him to come along on a task that she felt was particularly treacherous (he'd come to silent regret showing Bethany how to heal someone), or if she, or their companions, needed healing. It was frustrating that her time was so taken up with other people - citizens who she would never see again, nor cared if they saw her again. Both would have preferred spending a little more time together on a social basis to work on the threads of their friendship; even Anders had to admit trying to hold a rational conversation when one of them was injured wasn't working.

The other thing that irked him to no end, or rather the other person, was Fenris. Hawke always seemed to have him along, for one reason or the other, and his mere presence grated on him. Yes he had to admit that the man was handy to have around in a tight spot, due to the simple fact that he could tear through several of their enemies at once, but his comments and attitude made his blood boil; no more so than when on the few occasions where the blonde had convinced the elf to go to the Hanged Man to mingle with their friends Fenris would grumble something under his breath that would have Marea in stitches. A quiet smug look would always be thrown his way when her back was turned and he would resort to sulking in the corner parrying Isabella's lewd comments until it was his turn with the blonde.

He felt a child in the circle again, battling with the other apprentices for the attention of the matriarch who took care of them before they were old enough to be moved into the main halls.

Everyone seemed to love her; everyone wanted to be with her, man or woman it seemed to make no difference. Even Merrill seemed to be somewhat intrigued by the fierce blonde with her cheeky, sometimes sweet, smiles and feral eyes. The only one who seemed to be immune to her charms was Varric, and that was because the dwarf saw her as a sibling he had no doubt. And the most infuriating part of it was that she didn't seem to notice. Well...unless it was Isabella and then she would tease the woman right back – because let's face it the Rivaini had no more subtlety than a Templar hunting a mage.

On some days the blonde seemed to realise the shameless flirting and looks being thrown at her and would grin, sashay her hips and laugh aloud brazenly, linking her arm with Isabella as they strutted off together, leaving the men behind them to stare open mouthed, Anders included. But on others she would be sullen and ignorant, barely noticing the mage's or the others tentative advances. They had all come to realise that on these days it was best to be as gentle as possible and that teasing, unless from Varric or Isabella, was prohibited.

Anders had come to a few theories about her behaviour. She was either completely mad and he should hide all of his potent concoctions away, along with her daggers, or, more likely, it had something to do with her sister. At any other time he might have been worried about, what Justice called, his 'little obsession' but he'd expertly skirted around his own conscience, and resident spirit, by justifying his careful watching as looking after her wellbeing. Whenever Bethany was in the group, or joined them sometimes in the Hanged Man Hawke would clam up and rarely speak, content to become more familiar with the inside of her mug as she sulked in a corner.

Her conduct wasn't for a lack of affection, for Anders knew that Marea was fiercely protective of her younger sibling, but something seemed to be between them, like a living breathing creature crouched, waiting for the sisters to mention it. Varric had described it very well when the mage had bought it up when he'd gone for drinks with the dwarf; he'd called the tension between them the 'raging Bronto in the corner of the room'.

Anders knew that something must have happened between either her sister or her mother when he found Hawke waiting for him outside the clinic the morning before she was due to leave for the Deep Roads. She'd been pacing, he could see from the line of her footprints in the dirt, with Kodi sat whimpering dejectedly some few feet away. He'd barely opened his mouth to greet her when she turned on him suddenly, eyes ablaze.

"Are you coming with me to the Deep Roads?"

The question took the mage by surprise and Marea watched in furious silence as Anders thought over her words. After having a long argument with Bethany, who had demanded that she was going whether Hawke liked it or not, she wasn't much in the mood for a discussion. She just wanted to know whether Anders wanted to go or not so she could figure out who else she was taking. Aveline was off the list, being too busy, Isabella had already told her she didn't like the idea of going anywhere where there was likely to be Darkspawn and Hawke had decided she wasn't taking Merrill; the poor elf wouldn't do well underground for any extended period of time.

"I – You know I don't want to go back down there, Hawke. But you also know that I – "

"Anders," the blonde cut across him firmly and crossed her arms, brow furrowed. "Don't bullshit me. Just tell me if you want to come or not."

He had to force himself not to snap back at the woman, because he hated it when she took that tone with him, and instead looked down at his boots. For a long moment he didn't say anything, even when he heard Marea hiss irritably and watched her continue her pacing before finally answering, "No. I don't, you know how I feel about the Deep Roads. If you're giving me a choice, then I won't go with you, but you know if you want me to I'll come. You only need to call."

Hawke's eyes softened a little at the gentle, reassuring quality to his voice and she sighed, rubbing the back of her neck as she stopped pacing. "Then I'll take Fenris. Bethany's coming so I guess I don't need another mage...I'm not about to force you to go down there if you feel that strongly about it. Sorry for being such a bitch...I'm just...stressed."

Anders snorted and shook his head, waving away her apology with a swipe of his hand. "I'm used to it by now."

"I'm sure you are," she chuckled wryly, glancing down to see Kodi nosing her hand before scratching behind his ears. "That's right, boy, all safe now. Anders knows how to calm me down."

There was a long awkward pause between the pair; unsaid words cloying the air as they shifted from foot to foot, her fingers still tunnelling the hair at the Mabari's back. She wanted to assure him she'd come back, even if she was hopelessly tainted, and he wanted to tell he how much he appreciated her company and how she always helped him whenever he asked – or even when he didn't. But the words caught in their throats. Hawke actually opened her mouth once...before she thought better of what she was going to say and closed it with a pop.

Finally it Anders who broke the stillness, "You'll be careful, won't you?"

Marea smiled sadly and nodded. There was another break and then she added, "I can't very well leave you all here can I? Can you imagine the pandemonium that would erupt if I left someone else in charge? ...I guess I'll...see you when I get back then."

She was deflecting. And both of them knew it.

She was halfway down the stairs when Ander's hand wrapped around her wrist. His eyes were surprisingly earnest when Hawke turned to look at him, her hand limp in his, "Do you – want to talk about whatever's got you this riled up."

The blonde frowned at the question and gently pulled her arm away with a shake of her head. "No."

"You can't keep pretending it's not happening, Marea," Anders growled, frustrated as she slunk down the remaining steps. He half hoped he'd hit some nerve when she stopped at the bottom, her fingers digging into the splintered wood of the banister, however all he was offered was a sad smile as she looked over her shoulder at him.

"Yes I can."

I don't know how to do anything else...

"I'll see you when I get back."

Anders watched solemnly as the rogue slipped into a shadow and out of sight, Kodi bounding after her, leaving him in the semi-darkness to contemplate what she'd just said. Sighing he passed a hand over his face and turned back to the clinic, only looking back to mumble softly under his breath, "Stay safe, Marea."

"We've chosen one of the hidden entrances. The Deep Roads there will be nice and virginal; ready for a good deflowering!"

Hawke shuddered slightly at the image such words bought to the fore of her mind and cringed...Of all the words Bartrand had at his disposal he chose deflowering? She was glad she didn't have Isabella with her or else the rest of the trip would be full of jokes about virgins and naughty dwarves; and then Varric would get involved and she'd be left wanting to tear her hair out and cover her ears.

However Varric by her side seemed to have a similar view on his brother's innuendo and grimaced in turn. "Huh, well there's an interesting image."

"It'll take a week for us to get to the depth we need," Bartrand continued, still pacing in front of the large group of their expedition. "There are bound to be left over Darkspawn from the Blight; big risks, big rewards."

"Risks? Rewards? What could be better?" Marea interjected sarcastically and rolled her eyes in Fenris' direction; the elf dipped his head to hide the barest hint of a smile and set about brushing the bottom of his foot, trying to dislodge and imaginary stone.

"Exactly!" The blonde couldn't help but chuckle along with Varric at the dwarf's enthusiasm, seemingly ignorant to the sarcasm that laced her words. "Now before we – Wait...Who invited the old woman?"

Oh Maker...Please no...

Hawke turned to look in the direction Bartrand was now staring, her stomach lurching when she saw her mother. If she had taken the time to eat that morning she was certain she would be about ready to bring up her breakfast; however since she hadn't eaten since the night before her gut simply contented itself to tying itself in knots. Leandra was looking straight at her, with the kind of quiet ferocity she reserved only for their worst of fights; surely she wouldn't make a scene in front of all these people?

The older woman bobbed her head, "I'm sorry to interrupt, Ser Dwarf, but I must speak with my daughters."

Caught between the uncomfortable limbo of her cheeks burning with embarrassment and her face draining of colour, she and Bethany quietly made their way to Leandra. The blonde was careful to keep out of arms reach, she could already tell that the conversation that was about to take place wasn't going to be pleasant, and she certainly didn't want to be undermined by her mother slapping her in public.

"Mother! I told you not to get involved in this," Bethany said gently, coming to stand a little ahead of her sister, reaching out to touch her mother's hand.

Leandra pulled her hand away, her eyes locked on Marea's before speaking, her voice thick with contempt, "I just want to know one thing; are you planning on taking Bethany with you?"

The blonde rogue looked between her sister and her mother for a long moment, biting her lower lip nervously. If she didn't take Bethany she was certain the girl would never speak to her again; but if she did take Bethany then Leandra was sure to make a scene...After a moment she dipped her head in acknowledgement, "I can't very well leave her here. I need her; she made the decision two nights ago, I tried to convince her not to come, but she won't listen to me. And if she wantsto be part of this I'm not about to turn her away; it's her life, let her chose what she wants to do with it."

Bethany nodded and looked over her shoulder at her older sister affectionately, and Marea decided that it really didn't matter whether or not Leandra made a scene; for once the two sisters understood each other and that moment of camaraderie was worth more than anything. For once since they were very young, the two women were what she had wished them to be when Bethany and Carver had been born; friends. "Mother, it's fine, I want to go. Listen to Marea, she hasn't let us down yet."

"It's not fine," the older woman hissed and shook her head, turning her now imploring gaze on her youngest. "You can't both go. What if something were to happen to you?"

Marea stiffened slightly. Yes, what if something were to happen to Bethany? Never mind her.

"You I understand wanting to do this," Leandra accused flippantly and the blonde sighed, rubbing her temples. "Leave your sister here, Marea."

"I'm taking her, mother. This isn't up for debate; you can scold me when we get home, but I don't have time to stand here arguing about a moot point," she hissed and waved her hand before stalking back to the main body of the group. Behind her she could hear the softer footfalls of her sister, and then the harsher clicks of their mother's heels as she made to follow them.

"Please, Bethany! I'm begging you, don't go, don't do this," she whispered frantically, her hands brushing over every part of her youngest she could; her shoulders, down her hair. Hawke felt her gut twist in jealousy as she turned away, shifting anxiously.

The brunette gently prised Leandra's hands from her upper arms and shook her head, trying to placate the woman with touches of her own, "I'll be fine, Mama, I promise." She felt guilty when the older woman bought her hands up to cup her face, forcing down the tears that were no doubt threatening to spring from her eyes, "This will work out for the best. You'll see."

They embraced, and Hawke couldn't watch. It wasn't until she heard Bethany padding towards her that she looked up, her eyes caught by her mother's as the woman stared at her with such...loathing. Of all the things that Leandra had said to her, of all the times she had slapped her none of it came close to the pain she felt from that one look. It screamed at her that she was a mistake...And perhaps she was.

"Personal drama over with?" Bartrand asked tactlessly and Marea could see Varric in the background shaking his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Then let's get underway."

"It's been a long time coming, eh, brother?" the archer chuckled and smiled roguishly in Bartrands direction.

"That it has...The Deep Roads await!"

As they set off after the surprisingly quick dwarf Bethany rested her hand on her sister's shoulder, squeezing softly through her shirt and smiled sadly. "It's the Templars or the Darkspawn...At least I'm allowed to fight Darkspawn," she said gently and sighed, "I wonder sometimes if she understands...Marea...I- I'm sorry. For everything that's happened recently. You – "

Hawke shook her head and offered the brunette a forced smile, patting her hand awkwardly. "Let's not ruin the moment, Bethany. The sun is shining, we're off to make our fortune and for once we're not at each other's throats. Shall we just savour it instead of filling it with apologies?"

"Alright, sister. You're probably right, anyway."

Nug humping, swine spewing, puss filled, festering, Wilds toad!

The impressive line of expletives had been near continuous as she, Varric, Bethany and Fenris picked their way through the rubble back towards the surface, each weighed down with as much treasure they could haul from the vaults they'd managed to escape from in the thaig. That bastard Bartrand had screwed them over. It wasn't something she was overly familiar with; she'd been sold out yes, but never by someone she trusted. She hadn't been close to Bartrand, not by any stretch of the imagination – she'd always thought of him as a vile, pig, but she'd never expected him to turn on his own brother.

Slowing to a stop Marea frowned, looking down at the dwarf next to her, "This part of the Deep Roads looks familiar...Then again...it isjust more rock and rubble. I might be imagining things."

"We're back where we started," Varric confirmed with a nod and a small smile. "And only in five days, not bad, huh?"

The blonde was about to start down the stairs in front of her, spurred on by her still simmering temper, before Bethany's voice interrupted her thoughts. "Could we...Slow down a little. I'm not feeling well..."

"Hawke..."

Looking over her shoulder at Fenris the rogue's frowned deepened at the strained look on the elf's face, whatever was wrong with the brunette must be bad if he seemed that worried. Dipping her head she swung her heavy pack from her back and kicked it with a low grumble, "Let's make camp if you're sick."

"Heh, I'd wager it was those Deep Mushrooms we found," Varric chuckled as he turned to face the elf and Bethany.

The younger woman swayed for a moment, her pallor sickly white as Hawke drew nearer and her stomach sank at the familiar dark circles beneath her sister's eyes and the dark veins beneath the thinning skin stretched over Bethany's collarbone. "No..." she whispered softly, her breath hitching as her legs gave way and she dropped to her knees.

"Bethany!"

Within seconds Hawke was by the mage's side and she scooped her sister up into her arms, shaking as the realisation set in. The Blight...Maker, no, please no. Not Bethany, if anyone had to die let it be her...Her own breathing hitched as she cradled the younger brunette to her chest and she turned her glassy eyes up to look at her. The nausea that washed over her threatened to overwhelm her for a second, and then she pushed it aside.

"It's the Blight, isn't it...I'll end up just like Wesley, won't I?"

"Maker you...you stupid – Why didn't you tell me sooner? I could have...I'm not going to let that happen," Marea hissed, gently brushing her fingers through the mage's hair, just like Papa used to when she got sick. Bethany smiled for a moment before she closed her eyes.

"I won't make it to the surface. It's coming on faster..."

Distantly Hawke heard Fenris and Varric come closer, the sharp twang of the former's boots setting her nerves on edge. "Sunshine...I'm so – so sorry. Hawke, we can't do anything, not down here..."

"N-No! I won't let you die...I failed him once I won't fail him again."

Bethany wrapped her fingers in the ties that held the front of her sister's shirt closed and pulled the blonde down to embrace her. Words wouldn't do them any good, so she just held the trembling woman close; and every little hurtful thing that had been said or done was forgiven, Carver's death was forgiven. "I never blamed you," she whispered finally, her voice thick with emotion as tears pricked her eyes.

And that was all Hawke needed to forgive herself.

Pulling away a fraction, Bethany locked her eyes with the blonde's, "You'll take care of it, won't you?"

"How can you ask me to kill my own sister?"

"Because she's asking you to. It's just you now...Take care of mother, she loves you more than she says...Just like I do..."

Marea bit her lower lip hard; the metallic tang of blood flooding her mouth as she hesitantly unsheathed the dagger from her hip, the younger woman wrapped her fingers around her older sister's trembling ones and held the blade to her breast. The moment was too intimate to say what they wanted to in front of Varric and Fenris, so they instead looked at each other, long and hard before with a grimace Hawke plunged the blade into the brunette's heart.

For nearly three minutes she remained in silence, clutching her little sister's body to her chest, burying her face in her hair to hide the quiet tears from her companions. Neither Varric nor Fenris imposed on her solitude...But as the blonde gently lowered Bethany's cooling body to the ground the elf finally spoke.

"I am...sorry, Hawke. She wouldn't let me tell you."

Stiffening Marea turned her tearstained face towards the man and scowled, her hands clenched to fists as she got to her feet. And for once she let irrationality take over.

"It was you...You bastard! You should have said something," she hissed launching herself at the elf, who, despite his strength and slightly taller frame bore her tirade silently. He let her slam her fists against his breastplate and curse his name and struggle against him when he evaded an underhanded blow; because it was easier to blame another for a fault you thought to be your own. And when her knees went weak and her hands became still and she threatened to collapse beneath her own weight he awkwardly wrapped an arm around her shoulders and patted her head as she sobbed against him.

She was unsure exactly how long she stood slumped against Fenris, her shoulders shuddering with the force of her sorrow, but all she did know was that when she finally silenced into hiccupping sobs, Varric had closed her sister's eyes and was sat quietly, removed from them. She nodded her thanks to the elf in front of her, a silent understanding passing between them, a promise never to speak of her break down again and she turned to stare at Bethany's...body.

"I need to bury her."

Those were the last words the two men heard from her until they reached home.

She didn't want to go in.

It was a simple action – opening a door. You just reached out, gripped the handle, turned and pushed; there was nothing complex about this particular door either, just a little lock on the inside that jarred if you applied too much pressure. Marea had been standing outside of Gamlen's house for five minutes at best, ten at worse and still couldn't bring herself to venture inside. Her bed was there, yes, as was the comforting presence of Kodi with his warm tongue and wet nose...but there was also her mother, and what the woman would say when Bethany didn't follow her in terrified her more than she wanted to admit.

Still...she should open the door at least.

As it was, she didn't have to.

Her uncle's surprised face was the first thing to greet her, and she couldn't help but be slightly relieved to see him, and if she was reading his eyes right he was relieved to see her as well. Maker, what was the world coming to? She quietly stepped inside as he moved out of her way and she was welcomed with a slobbery lick to her face as Kodi jumped up onto his hind legs, his forepaws resting on her shoulders and his stubby tail wagging furiously. Next was Leandra, jogging from her room barefoot, eyes searching Marea desperately, as if trying to remember what she looked like...she looked...relieved as well.

"Oh my baby! You made it home!"

For a moment Hawke remained still, staring at her mother as if she'd grown a second head; Bethany had died in the Deep Roads, unless a demon wearing her skin was behind her there was no one standing here but her...surely her mother couldn't be talking to her?

"Bethany isn't with you?"

She shifted awkwardly and stared down at her feet, frowning as the tears threatened to flood once more. "No."

"Is she...coming back?"

"I'm sorry, mother...She died of the taint, I tried to – "

Ah. This was what she was expecting. The familiar crack of Leandra's palm making contact with Hawke's cheek resonated through the room, but it was closely followed by another, and then another and the blonde made no move, like Fenris had with her, to try and stop the hail of blows.

"Don't. You. Dare. Say you tried to save her!" Leandra shrieked, her nails raking at her daughter's arms, and Marea barked a command at Kodi to stay where he was as he jumped to his feet growling menacingly. "It should be you! It should be you rotting down there! Not my little girl!"

"Lenadra! Enough!" Gamlen roared, shocking both women as he pulled her from Hawke, dragging her to the fireplace and commanding her breathlessly to calm down. It was only when the older woman stopped struggling that he tentatively released her.

"Get out."

Marea froze from where she'd been dabbing her bleeding lip on her sleeve, frowning in confusion at the demand. But she'd only just got back...Where would she... "Mama?"

Oh Maker she hadn't called her that since she was a girl...and now the old pain of realising that your mother loved your youngest siblings more was reopened and all she could do was stand there as vulnerable as she'd been then, staring wild eyed as Leandra turned on her with another snarl.

"Get out!"

Without a word Hawke fled the house, Kodi at her heels.

It was nightfall when she finally made it to Darktown. Anders would be closing up for the evening and as she ascended the stairs outside the clinic she was dismayed to see he'd already extinguished the lantern and shut the doors. Licking her sore lip she quietly closed the distance and without thinking she raised her hand to knock. Hawke hadn't expected an answer, so when Anders answered moments later in a pair of breeches and a nightshirt she was sure she'd worn in the past she was unsure of what to say.

"Hawke...Thank the Maker you're alright I – Marea?"

Lip trembling, the blonde wrapped her fingers in the scruff of Kodi's neck reassuringly and swiped her arm across her cheeks to remove the painful reminder that she'd been crying on the way here. "I-I'm sorry, Anders. I d-didn't know where else to go..."

Shaking his head the mage gently wrapped an arm around her shoulder and guided her inside, shutting the door with his boot. Depositing her at the table he quietly went to his stores, returning with a bottle of wine and two glasses, sitting and pouring them both a healthy measure before he spoke. "You know you're always welcome here...What – What happened?"

"Bethany's dead."

Anders stilled suddenly and lowered his glass back to the table with a soft clunk. "Maker, I'm so sorry...Marea does your – "

"Mother knows," she answered bitterly with a barking laugh that sent him cringing and she lifted the glass to drain it. "She...didn't take it well."

"What about you?"

The blonde remained silent, swirling the dark red liquid in her glass around a few times, mulling over her words, "I'm not sure..."

The mage rubbed a hand over his face and sighed heavily. He didn't know how to deal with this...she was hurting and he wanted to help but it wasn't a pain he was sure he could help heal... Pushing his glass away from him and leant over the table, brushing his fingers across hers, wrapped around her own glass, "Do you...want to talk about it?"

When she didn't immediately answer Anders nodded and got to his feet so he could get the bed ready for her to use. He only got halfway before her quiet voice stopped him in his tracks.

"The first word Bethany could say was Marea...Or some silly variation of it...Mother was so – disappointed I think. She spent days fawning over her until she could say Mama too...I remember being so proud...I made a promise, Anders; I promised Papa that I wouldn't let anything bad happen to them. They were his last words: Look after this family...and I...I failed him."

Anders remained silently and padded over to sit back down at the table, listening intently as she finally got everything off her chest. It was about time too.

"She and Carver were so tiny when they were born...I thought we'd be best friends, but children are fickle and jealousy is a powerful emotion. At first I didn't mind so much when mother spent all her time looking after them, I still had Papa, but when Bethany first started showing signs of magic eventually he had to spend more time with her, help her to control it so we could stay hidden. She was the apple of my parent's eye...the mage Papa had always wanted; the beautiful little girl mother always longed for and I was...I was left in the cold.

"I resented her more than I care to remember...I think at times I even loathed her but I never stopped loving her, from the moment I first saw her I loved her to the moment I drove that Blighted dagger into her heart...I resented everything she was but I never wanted her dead; not for one moment."

There was a long pause where neither moved before Anders nodded to himself and got up.

"Where're you going?"

With a deep breath the mage turned on his heel to raid his stores again, "We're going to need more wine."