In the great Great Hall, five vampires and one measly human stood in a row, quaking in their boots as they waited to be sorted. Most of the students were immensely intrigued by the newcomers and some were simply annoyed by the attractive vampires who were stealing their sweetheart's attention. Professor McGonagall introduced the individuals and briefly explained their reasons for joining the 'Hogwarts clan.'
"Ladies and Gentleman...May I have you attention, pur-lease!" The students all turned around, surprised that she was singing to them like the young cockney British child from Sweeney Todd. "These remarkable visitors are here to receive and experience the rare opportunity of a Hogwarts education. They will be sorted this evening into their own houses before we begin our feast."
"NO!" Ron Weasley exclaimed in horror. "I'm starving to death over here. Why must you torture us so!"
The redhead was ignored as the Sorting Hat was presented and placed on the stool. It was immobile at the moment but with a sigh, it began to move.
"Oh shit!" Emmett yelped, jerking back when the inanimate object seemed to glance at him. "Rosie did that hat just move?"
"Shut up, Em. You're being immature."
"But it looked at me!"
"Shh."
McGonagall glanced sternly at the group. "The Sorting Hat will sing a brief song as is the tradition before a sorting session."
"Since this is not a traditional session, I believe that I will entertain you with one of the best songs from one of the world's greatest entertainers!" the Hat announced.
"Jasper! Are you hearing this? The hat just talked!" Emmett whispered.
Jasper gave his friend a weird look. "Shh. Dude, he's going to sing."
Emmett seemed incapable of accepting the surreal moment. "A singing hat! What is this?"
Oh woooah, oh woooooah, oh wooooah, oh.
You know you love me, I know you care,
you shout whenever and I'll be there.
You are my love, you are my heart
and we will never ever ever be apart.
Are we an item? girl quit playing,
we're just friends, what are you saying.
Said there's another, look right in my eyes,
my first love broke my heart for the first time.
And I was like…
Baby, baby, baby oooooh,
like baby, baby, baby noooooooo,
like baby, baby, baby, ooooh.
Thought you'd always be mine, mine
As the Hat sang his heart out to the one and only Justin Bieber, two beings appeared behind him. A vampire named Octavious and a killer panther named Nancy began dancing back-up in very complicated maneuvers and patterns. Unfortunately, Rosalie despised anything related to thirteen year old girls singing off-key, so she stepped in front of the hat and glared down at him until he stopped.
"Baby, baby, baby oooooh," he sang passionately. Then he looked up to see the fearsome blonde drilling holes into his leathery head."Like baby, baby...baby...noo..oo..oo...oh." He finished lamely, terrified.
She smirked. "No Bieber." She began to stalk away.
"I beg your pardon, madam!"
"No Bieber!" she shrieked, without turning around.
"Am I on acid or something?" Emmett exclaimed, watching as the back-up dancers cabbage-patched out the door and the Hat hung his head, sulking.
A first year who sat near the Cullens glanced at him innocently. "What's acid, sir?" he inquired of Nearly Headless Nick.
Nick looked uncomfortable. "Oh dear. Nothing you need to worry about, young boy. Stay in school... Hugs not drugs..." Then he up and floated away leaving the poor boy confused and curious. Uh-oh.
"Enough of this rumpus! The creatures must be sorted!" Snape announced, sweeping his cape in a flourish of frustration. Professor Sprout gave him a weird look, somewhat terrified he was going to decapitate her with his cloak.
"Snape's right. Hatty, let's begin the sorting!" McGonagall agreed, pulling Edward along and plopping him down on the stool.
"Fine." He was placed atop the bronze-head and sighed, taking in the complicated thoughts. "Huh...Well...This is a strange head. Full of self-loathing and angst. Ew. Gross. Oh wait. Hold up. There's some ugly girl coming into focus. Double ew. What the hell! She's not leaving! It's consuming everything. Ahh! Oh shit. OK. You know. You remind me of the Cedric Diggory kid. Are you sure you're not the same person?"
Edward, who hadn't been listening very well, staring creepily at Bella who was glancing around the Great Hall in wonder, returned his attentions to the Hat and glared. "Yes. I'm sure. I'm a vampire."
"Doesn't mean much. Diggory supposedly died three years ago. And you look exactly alike!"
"I'm not him! I swear."
"Whatever. He was in Hufflepuff. I'll put you there too for lack of a better place. All you seem to think about is that ass-ugly chick."
"Wait. What?"
"Better be...HUFFLEPUFF!"
The Hufflepuff's cheered and clapped, happy that such an attractive specimen would be joining them.
McGonagall made to pull Rosalie along but the Hat took one look at her and screamed. "Ahh! No way. Slytherin all the way! Go. Just go!"
Rosalie, quite pleased at making the pathetic hat afraid of her, flounced away and shoved aside a very enamored Draco Malfoy so she could sit and watch her husband get sorted.
Emmett was next and though he was rather freaked by the fact the Hat could talk and fucking look at him, he sat down with great courage. "Well...what to do with you. You are far from intelligent and entirely too whipped by that scary blonde of yours, but you have a heart of gold and a strong sense of bravery. Better be... GRYFFINDOR!"
"Hell yeah! That's what it's all about!" Emmett exclaimed. He placed the Hat on the stool and turned around. "High-five!" But then he frowned and glanced around in embarrassment. "Oh. Right. Sorry about that."
The Hat glared up at him in envy and annoyance. "Just...go away, buttwipe."
Alice, needing no introduction, lithely danced over to the stool and placed the hat atop her head. "What's the verdict, Cap'n?"
The Hat groaned at the mass of thoughts flitting into his mind. "What is this? It's like a hyperactive chipmunk on steroids. I'm getting attacked by your mind and knowledge. Ahh! Not the future! How can so much be crammed into this tiny head! RAVENCLAW!" he roared in aggravation and head pain. Alice giggled (rather sadistically, he thought) and joined her amazed and awed table. "If that doesn't cause a migraine, I don't know what will," muttered the Hat.
McGonagall then lead Bella to the stool who blushed and stumbled as she placed the Hat on her own head. The Hat gasped in pain and attempted to break free from the confines of Bella's cranium. Edward glared at the Hat in jealousy, wishing he himself could be placed on his beloved's head to hear her impressive thoughts. However, the Hat would not wish the pain of being inside of the brunette's head on anyone. "Oh my God! This is torture! This is worse than being set on fire by Voldemort! Oh the agony! Horror! Despair! Anguish! Just...go with that Cedric Diggory wannabe. HUFFLEPUFF!"
"Yeah! Woo! That's right, bitches!" Edward cheered while everyone else in the hall remained silent, especially the Hufflepuffs who were staring on in shame at getting stuck with the brain-dead chick.
Jasper was the last one and he gracefully strolled to the stool, placing the Hat on his head. The Hat hummed in thought and slowly, a smile appeared on his wrinkled face. "Finally," he murmured. "Someone worthy. You have had a complicated history, my friend. You have been heroic and stared in the face of adversity. You are truly noble!"
Jasper stared on, face expressionless. "Yes," sighed the Hat. "Can you just stay here for eternity?" he breathed. But Jasper waited patiently and silently for the Hat to speak. "Fine, fine. GRYFFINDOR!"
Jasper went to join Emmett at the table. "I love you," whispered the Hat. "Don't leave me!"
"What?" Jasper asked, turning around.
"N-nothing!" stammered the Hat and then it went immobile, happy that the sorting was over. For the rest of his days, he would long for Jasper Hale.
"Can we PLEASE eat now!" Ron Weasley yelled, inches away from eating the table cloth. Food magically appeared for them and he stuffed his entire head into a plate of chicken. The sight totally turned Hermione on.