A/N: Hi

The Cullens were enjoying their stay at Hogwarts. Although 'enjoying' might be a strong, because what the vamp clan (plus one human) hadn't considered was the fact that none of them were actually wizards. This proved a difficult problem when they were attempting spells in their classes.

"Bombardo!" Emmett shouted, waving his wand (not that one), wildly. His goal was to break down the wall of bricks before him. Unfortunately, no matter how many times he waved his magic wand of manliness, the wall proved impenetrable.

"Bombardo! Bombardo! Bombardo! AHHHHHHH!" Aggravated to within an inch of his long vampiric life, Emmett looked around wildly, in a wild vampiric rage. "I'm in a RAAAAGE!" He shouted. Flinging his magic wand of manliness, he dove head first into his arch nemesis…The Wall of Doom.

Just then, Jasper came strolling in from his skinny dip in the Black Lake. All he saw was an Emmett shaped hole in a randomly placed wall. "Huh," he murmured, pulling out his wand (again, not that one, he already had that one out ;). "Reparo," he muttered calmly, and The Wall of Doom repaired itself so beautifully, it shed its very own tears.

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"You know what Harry," Ron said, apropos of nothing. "I would have such a calmer life if I wasn't your friend."

"Oh, thanks Ron. Thanks for telling me. Next time you or your sister or your dad is in some sort of danger, I won't save their life."

"Isn't it because you're my friend that my family's been in danger?"

"I…" Harry paused. "Shut up."

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Far away in a tower of the castle, Alice was showcasing her personal seer capabilities to one Professor Trelawney.

Trelawney looked at her with her large buggy eyes and told her solemnly, "My dear…you are in gra-a-a-ave danger!"

Alice looked at her unimpressed. Then she looked into the future. (Cue That's So Raven theme song) "Not from what I can tell, soul sister. But," she leaned forward. "If I were you, I would make some careful choices. And beware of a centaur and a lady in pink. That's all I have to tell you."

Trelawney's buggy eyes widened. "Young lady, who are you to tell me such things!"

Alice looked deeply into her buggy eyes. "I am…The Grim. I am…your Grim."

Trelawney clutched her chest in fear. Because of this very conversation, she would turn to the drink in order escape her fears. All because of Alice Cullen.

Alice knew of course, but she didn't care much. Especially when she looked into the future and saw a bunch of girls mesmerized by Jasper and his magic wand (yes that one).

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"Ew, Hermione," said Ginny, out of nowhere. "How can you be with Ron Weasley? He doesn't even clean his feet."

Hermione stared at her. "He's your brother."

"Yeah, but you've actually kissed."

"Yes, it was very nice. It tasted like chicken."

"Gross. And you've seen his magic wand."

"You mean…that one?"

"Yes that one."

"I…" Hermione paused. "Shut up."

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Esme loved her job. She loved it! Esme loved loved loved her job! Everything was sunshine and rainbows and puppies. She got to stand, get this, in front…of a chalkboard. And talk to students. And even hand out graded tests and papers. It was like heaven and all of the kids were like her kids. She was their mother. She loved them all. ALL. OF. THEM.

"AAAA's," she sang, walking into the room with a basket of graded papers. She started passing out the history report on veggie vampirism. "A's for everyone," she swooned, flinging the papers all over the classroom. She stopped short when she saw Emmett brooding in the corner of the classroom. "Except for you Emmett. You suck. What is this?" She held up a drawing of badly drawn vampires chasing some...thing.

Emmett frowned in annoyance. "Um…veggie vampirism, ma. What else?"

"It was supposed to be hand written. What the hell are they chasing?"

"A deer. Duh."

Esme looked at it. A miraculous tear trailed down her cheek. It was beautiful.

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"So, this is nice."

"Very nice."

Ron and Hermione smiled at each other with love. They sipped their pumpkin juice as they gazed into one another's eyes.

"I wanted to tell you, I was talking to some of the house elves the other day."

"Oh yeah?" Hermione was annoyed. Could they not go one day without talking about the house elves? (This is a completely in character interpretation, by the way. Of course, dear Hermione, would say that.)

"Yes, and I've been doing extra research in addition to studying for my N.E.W.T.S. and I have to say, species equality is truly an overlooked phenomenon in our history. I mean, the true magnitude centaurs have gone through just to retain their seclusion. Not to mention the Merpeople rebellions back in—"

"Ron?"

"Yes?"

"Shut up." Hermione paused. "Kiss me."

"…OK."

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"I love you with every fiber of my being," rhapsodized Draco Malfoy. "Except, you know, the ones that are devoted to me."

"Get away from me," Rosalie muttered, walking down the hallway.

"Your hair is like a cascade of shining gold, like all the money I have in my mansion."

"Shut the fuck up."

"One day, you will leave that stupid vampire you're with, and get with a man who really knows how to handle his magic wand."

"Do you want me to punch you?" Rosalie turned into the Great Hall for lunch. There she met up with the rest of her coven. Luckily the girl with blond hair was out of her sight.

She happily took a seat in between Alice and Emmett and went to pull a flask of blood from the cooler in front of them.

Alice shook her head. "You don't want to drink that. Draco Malfoy laced it with a love potion."

"Who?"

Alice nodded back at the Slytherin table where Draco was smirking smirkily with his band of thugs.

"The girl with the blond hair and smirk?"

"I think it's a boy."

Rosalie scoffed. "That bitch. She'll get what's coming to her." With her super cat-like (or vampire-like) reflexes, she sauntered over to Draco.

"It's a boy!" Alice shouted after her.

Rosalie finally made it to the table. "Hello there," she murmured seductively, leaning forward.

"H-hi," said Draco with dazed eyes. Rosalie smiled and unbeknownst to the rest of the Slytherins, poured the laced blood into Draco's pumpkin juice. Ew, by the way.

"A toast," said Rose, holding up the flask. "To new love."

Draco grinned widely and grabbed his juice. "New love," he exclaimed.

They drank. Or at least, Draco did. A very long draught, thirsty as he was.

His eyes opened. And Rose was gone. Gasp! Shock! Horror!

But suddenly, his eyes captured those of a beautiful female. Eyes of a spectacularly gold hue. Hair a multicolored array of beauty. A body begging to be held in his arms.

Alas, she was in someone else's.

That bastard, Argus Filch, was holding Mrs. Norris as though she belonged to him. But he was wrong. He could never love her like Draco loved her.

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Snape entered Grimauld Place, ready to discuss strategies with Lupin and Black and get the hell out of here as soon as possible.

When he reached the living room he was appalled by what he saw.

A fire was crackling in the fireplace, casting the room in romantic lighting. And there on the couch was Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. On the couch. Cuddling.

"Hey Snivellus," said Black casually, pecking Lupin on the temple.

Lupin snuggled closer to him. "Oh hello, Severus. How are you, mate? Have some chocolate."

He handed him a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Snape cleared his throat. "I can..er…come back later i-if you—"

"No," Sirius looked at him from under his lashes and extended an arm. "Why don't you," he smiled. "Join us?"

Snape blushed. "Oh shut up."

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Edward was gazing in love and affection at his beautiful human. It had been quite an adjustment, making Bella comfortable here. Mostly because she couldn't really see the castle. Or practice spells. Because she wasn't a witch. In case you were wondering.

But wherever Edward went, Bella followed. Because he knew she'd probably jump off a cliff otherwise. It had happened before.

At the moment, Bella was gazing into the distance. Edward wasn't really sure what she was seeing. He handed her a magic wand (not that one), and told her to turn a raven into a writing desk. Easier said than done, because, well, she couldn't see.

"Hi…Ced-er I mean, Edward," said a breathy voice next to him.

Edward jumped and squealed. In, yanno, a manly way. Oh. It was that creepy asian chick. The one who thought he was her dead boyfriend. Weirdo.

"Yes," she cleared her throat, gathering her thoughts. "I was wondering i-if—"

Edward turned. Bella was waving her hand around, unable to see it in her hand. Somehow she had managed to charm Neville Longbottom's hair to start dancing atop his head. "Bella! Bella stop!"

She turned her wide chocolate eyes to Edward's. "Sorry, sugar plum," she said sweetly. She waved her wand around (not that wand, she didn't even have that kind of wand, silly). "But I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!" She raged, standing over Edward who was whimpering helplessly underneath her. She was terrifying.

He ran a hand nervously through his hair. "Right well."

"Hey, stop picking on my Cedric!" shouted the asian girl.

Bella stared at her. And then burst into a torrential storm of tears. "I-I'm so soooooooorrrrrrryyyyyy!" she sobbed. She looked at the girl. "I just don't know where I aaaaaammmmmmmm!"

The other chick was unimpressed. "Just walk that way," she said. As Bella ran away, she bonked her noggin on a wall and then unceremoniously plopped to the floor, unconscious. The other girl turned to the cowering vampire, flickering her wand absently to fix Neville's hair. "Are you OK, Ceddy?"

"What, yes, uh…" Edward stood up and fixed his shirt. "I…you're Chow Mein right?"

"Cho Chang."

"Right. Right! I was close. Now I'm hungry."

They smiled sweetly at each other.

DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNN

A/N: Bye