Unofficial (Mandatory) Handbook for S.H.I.E.L.D. Recruits- 2nd Edition
10. Don't let Tony Stark convince you to get Thor or Captain Rogers drunk. S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn't pay you enough to cover the bar tab.
- Same goes for Agent Romanoff; that chick can hold her vodka. (don't tell her I called her a chick)
- Stark, Barton and Banner are all lightweights though.
11. Do not get in the middle of the Avengers' prank wars. It doesn't matter who started it, all evidence will point straight to you by the time Fury finds out about it.
- Barton and Stark are the usual suspects but all of them end up involved.
- Even Thor's getting better at it; did you see Stark's hair- it almost matched the red of his suit.
- Pretty sure Banner was in on that one too.
12. Don't touch/move anything in Dr. Banner's lab, unless of course you want to be something other than a normal human (and not in a good way).
- Not to mention, the Doc is OCD as all hell about his lab.
13. Don't bother trying to beat Captain Roger's at video games (doesn't matter which one), his enhanced reflexes more than make up for his not having grown up with them.
- Thought I had him when he said he'd never played WoW, still got my ass handed to me.
- Besides the reflexes, the guy is the best strategist I've ever seen… so not fair.
14. Whether its your job or not, if you notice we are out of heavy punching bags, archery targets, firearm targets, chocolate ice cream, coffee, chamomile tea, fire extinguishers, replacement windows or first aid kits- find a way to order more ASAP!
- Agent Hill is a good contact for all of the above.
15. Do not tell Director Fury about Agent Barton's cat. She's as sharp as her owner, will do serious damage if she doesn't like you but is the best therapy in the world if she does.
- Think she followed him home after a bad mission
- That little furball and Agent Romanoff are probably the only two things that tether Barton to his humanity, especially after Loki.
- Agent Coulson used to feed her when Barton was gone, but I think Hill took over in his memory.
- She's as sneaky as Barton too, loves high places, watch your ears.
- Fury probably already knows about her but nobody wants to risk it.
16. If Agent Romanoff is aloof and slightly cold- that's a good sign, it means she likes you. If she's nice- be wary, it means she wants something from you and you're probably not going to like it.
- The one exception is if you give her chocolate ice cream; she was nice to me for three days after that.
17. Do not laugh at the dozens of stuffed animals on Thor's bed, in his locker or the one he keeps in his pocket; they were presents from Jane.
- Enough said.
18. Never bet on the relationship status of Agents Barton and Romanoff; no one will ever know the truth so you'll never be able to collect.
- And when, not if, they find out about it, they'll completely screw with you just for the hell of it.
- Stark's been trying since he met Agent Romanoff. If the genius, playboy, philanthropist, billionaire can't figure it out, you don't have a prayer.
19. Don't purposely try to confuse Captain Rogers and Thor with pop culture references. That's Stark's job and he takes it personally if anyone else tries.
- The key word there is purposely… you'll end up confusing them no matter what.
If you haven't figured it out yet, the Avengers have melded into the weirdest family unit you will ever encounter. It's probably the main reason they're so effective. There will be times you'll wonder if they are actually trying to kill each other; they are the only one's allowed to pick on each other and God help anyone who tries to hurt one of the family. If you're lucky, you'll be added in as a distant cousin.
fin?