A/N: Sorry for the delay! RL snuck right up on me. If I didn't reply to feedback/reviews, I apologise profusely. Thank you all for the lovely comments!
This chapter would have been longer (with a completely cruel cliffhanger) but due to an unexpected guest and the fact I feel completely exhausted by all the angst of this particular chapter, it will now be mid-chapter 4.
This is the numb chapter. It really is a complete numb!angst interlude before the shiteth hiteth the faneth in the next chapter. Fireworks (not literally) will occur. But that wont probably be up til next week sometime.
Mike's Rohypnol info from 2 sources:
General info: (erowid. ) (org) (/pharms/) (flunitrazepam/)
Quote (National Drugs Intelligence Center):
(justice.) (gov) (/ndic/) (pubs6/) (6074/) (index.) (htm)
I have basic info about rohypnol, so most info has come from what I have read, therefore errors or inconsistencies may occur.
Chapter 3
Jenny had disappeared on him.
Mike's hunched over, hands wrapped tightly around himself. The events of the night are all fogged up around him, coming in drib and drabs and all he can really focus on is the fact that he was at Jenny's and now he was sitting in the ER room. And in a world of pain. He could at least focus on that and understand it.
When Jenny returns, he's rocking slightly, backwards and forwards, with his arms wound around his midriff. He eyes her phone which she exchanges nervously between her hands.
"I called Harvey," she tells him.
It takes him a second to process that she has spoken.
It takes another to process the name.
And then he realises Harvey is coming here.
He doesn't think he wants Harvey here. He's not entirely sure he knows what is happening but vaguely remembers having some sort of realisation earlier. Things had got more confused and fluffier since then. Since he'd moved and jostled and puked his guts up by the side of the cab.
"I should go," he says although he's forgotten why.
"No," Jenny reminds him quietly. "You should stay."
He has gaping black holes all through him. He should stay. He needs to stay.
Everything is so frustrating and he knows at some point Cliff had been at his apartment and then... nothing. Blankness and pain. It leaves a bitter taste in his mouth and he hunches over with a groan.
Either Mike loses more time or Harvey has travelled at warped speed (Jenny's told him a few times now that she'd called his boss – he kinda forgets each time as confusion and vagueness and the want and need to disappear floats up around him) because he's skidding in through the double doors just off to the side of them.
Mike takes one of those precious seconds to process Harvey is in sweats and a t-shirt (remembering the one and only time he'd seen him in remotely similar garb was when he'd turned up at Harvey's condo merrily drunk), only dimly aware that this should be way way way down his priority list of most important things to remember, before jumping from his seat.
Darkness rapidly engulfs him as his body feels heavy and hot all of the sudden. He recognises blood pressure when it's about to bottom out and this was definitely it. As the blackness evaporates he manages to see the registration filter across Harvey's face as he spots them. He's there in a couple of magnificent strides and braces his body within his hands.
"Mike," Harvey mutters hotly, eyes roaming his body.
"Harvey," Mike manages to breathe out, surprising relief fluttering out from his heart as he lets Harvey hold up his rapidly disintegrating body. "I hurt."
I'm in pain
I can't remember
I can't remember
I can't remember
Something happened
Something bad happened
and I can't remember
"I know, kid," Harvey says. he knows he knows he knows. Mike's not sure what he actually knows. good or bad good or bad good or bad. the truth or the imagined truth. denial or realisation. It occurs to Mike that Harvey is not thinking any of these at all, that's it's all just in his head, the truth lying just under the surface, a cloud that is toying with him, pretending to be penetrating and evaporating but never relenting. Instead it clogs him up from deep within. He wonders if this is what autism, admittedly mild, feels like. Having knowledge, knowing and understanding but unable to communicate and express it. Unable to emotionally link to it.
He hung on to the latter like a reprieve with all the strength he could muster. Something had happened. Something seemingly bad. That much was apparent from the gaping holes, the concern, the way Harvey is practically cradling his face within his hands, trying to look into his sole. He couldn't risk that – couldn't risk Harvey seeing. 'Cause if Harvey saw, then Mike would have no choice but to as well. So, he averted his eyes instead and focused on emotionally detaching himself from whatever ghastly thing had occurred and dampening down his emotions along with his memory.
"Sit down before you fall down," Harvey tells him and then helps him to lower back down. Mike winces as soon as his butt hits the hard plastic seats, feeling fiery pain spike a little, leaving his gut burning. Harvey keeps his hand firmly rested against Mike's back as he looks over at Jenny who has remained silent in her seat, frowning with worry. "Has he been seen yet?"
Jenny shakes her head.
"How long have you been here?"
"A little over an hour," Jenny replies. She glances at Mike before looking back up at Harvey who's half bent next to Mike. "He seems just as confused. He's been sick a few times. I keep thinking he's going to pass out but he never does."
"Okay," Harvey declares. He lets go of Mike who is awashed with an intense sadness at the loss of contact. He watches with amazement and in awe as he imagines Harvey pulling his most Harveyness with the receptionist. He can't help but smile. He knows he shouldn't. This wasn't a smiling situation but he does it all the same.
Harvey returns with an apologetic look of his own.
"You'll be seen soon, kid," he tells him. Mike just shrugs and grins even more stupidly at him which in return earns him a worried frown.
Jenny wordlessly moves aside to the next available seat and Harvey unquestionably takes the offer and sits between them. He lifts his arm (and any other time Mike would have thought the gesture insane but he has god knows what coursing through his veins and he's detached and in awe of the wondersome of the man beside him) and Mike obediently sags against him, boneless and giving.
xxx
Somewhere between Harvey arriving and seeing a doctor, Jenny decides to leave.
He should be bothered but he's not.
He watches detached and silent as she dabs at her eyes and tells Harvey something.
Harvey nods at whatever she has said. He says something back and touches her shoulder reassuringly.
He should be bothered but he's not because he's surrounded by buffeted detachment and surreality and he's floating through it as eyes lip-read murmured words that don't actually penetrate anything apart from the outer layer of the cloud that is lining his eyes.
He should be bothered.
But he's not.
Right now he's more bothered by the fact that he doesn't feel bothered by it at all.
He's indifferent.
Which, ironically, was quite reassuring.
xxx
By the time he's been seen by the triage nurse he has a vague idea of what might have occurred.
He stares numbly as she takes blood and smiles at him.
There's too many sympathetic smiles being banded about. Some fake and some genuine. He's sure that only one is genuine. He didn't care for the rest. It's all a bit disheartening and nauseating and he wants nothing more to to scream and cry and smash and break something. He doesn't though because his whole body is literally numb and uncoordinated and on some axis that only made sense to itself.
When the doctor finally arrives and asks him to follow him to an examination room, Harvey rises to follow and Mike manages to get his uncoordinated and distorted mouth to ask him to stay. He's heard familiar words being thrown around – rape exam, rape kit,- and Mike knows that this will probably involve peeling off bloodied pants (he's only just becoming aware of the dry stickiness that adorns them) and stirrups. There's no dignity in having your legs in stirrups. And it wasn't an image he wanted Harvey to see.
Harvey obviously is reluctant to agree but eventually nods his acceptance and takes up residence in a chair in the hall.
xxx
He needed a couple of stitches.
The doctor suspects he's been raped.
There, he's said it. Like a band-aid
He suspects that he'd been drugged.
That there were traces of Flunitrazepam in his blood.
Scientifically, he understands the words, the meaning, the implications. Realistically, the concept feels absolutely absurd because how can something be true when you have no recollection of it. The detachment is slowly fading and panic is ebbing its way in. He does the only thing he can think of and falls back on old defensive techniques, letting his eidetic brain automatically take over, as though it worked separately from his normal, regular brain. Shut down and turn off and let facts take over.
He focuses on the science of it as though it's nothing more than words.
Flunitrazepam-
Rohypnol
Rohypnoled
Roofies
Roofied
There's at least 23 other names he can recall.
Chemical name 5-(o-fluorophenyl)-1,3-dihydro-1-methyl-7-nitro-2H-1,4-benzodiazepin-2-one
Classified as a benzodiazepine
Used for sleep
Rapid on-set
Long duration (either he has a fast metabolism or he'd had a smaller amount because the fact he's even walking and talking – if that's what he's calling it – is a miracle)
Seen as a date rape drug
First introduced in 1975 for insomnia
It is now a 'Schedule IV substance under the Controlled Substance Act and in 1997 the U.S. Sentencing commission increased penalties associated with possession, trafficking, and distribution to those of a Schedule I substance.'
According to statistics rohypnol was responsible for only a small percentage of sexual assaults.
He's unique...
He shudders when even his eidetic memory fails to help distance himself from the cold hard facts.
"Doc," he manages to ask the doctor sitting there with useless leaflets. "Do you mind not mentioning anything to my boss. I don't want him knowing."
"Of course," the doctor replies. "It's important to have a support network though. I hope you reconsider telling him."
Mike nods and accepts the leaflets.
He can't remember what happened.
He told himself that it was good.
So why did he feel so lost?
He throws the leaflet in the trash once the doctor has left.
xxx
"How is he?" Harvey asks when he spots the doctor re-emerging.
"He's going to be fine," the doctor tells him.
"So, did it confirm...?" Harvey asks, hand waving awkwardly in the direction of the examination room Mike was still in.
"Mr Ross needs to pick his prescription up. He's just finishing having some standard blood tests that he will need to a have a follow up on, but apart from that he's physically fine."
He's physically fine
"That didn't really answer my question," Harvey points out, trying to keep his voice calm and rational.
"Mr..." the doctor says, looking away briefly to read something on the chart - "Specter, is it?"
"Yes," he says. He knows it sounds a bit too harsh, but he can't help it. It's obvious what has happened.
"You are listed as one of his emergency contacts. His next of kin too."
Harvey is taken aback by this. He hadn't known that. Shit, god-damn, he know feels a whole lot more responsible for the kid.
"Right," Harvey says, trying to mask his surprise.
"But Mike is a consenting adult. And he has capacity. I have to respect patient-doctor confidentiality."
"Even if I am next of kin?"
It's a flimsy excuse. He knows the legal system. He knows he's clutching at straws.
"Yes," the doctor admits and Harvey can see he is not entirely happy with the situation either. "And he instructed me not to tell you a god-damn thing."
Harvey nods at the doctor, only temporarily stung by Mike's reaction, before sliding back onto the seat and burying his face into his hands.
His associate has been raped
Mike has been raped
The kid has been raped.
xxx
When Mike finally does re-appear he looks pale and too fragile. He moves rigidly as though the slight movements were paining him.
"Hey," Harvey says, trying to keep his voice nonchalant.
"Hey," Mike replies. He looks a bit bewildered and Harvey doesn't know if it's from the shock of the truth (and dawning realisation) or the drugs that were still probably lingering in his system.
"You look out of it," Harvey comments. The kid does, although not as much as when Harvey first arrived.
Mike shrugs and sits in a chair beside him.
"I kinda feel out of it," he admits.
He's sounding more coherent too.
"Yeah," Harvey says. "Rohypnol will do that to you."
"The doctor said I should take a few days, that my blood pressure might be low. I could have a few side effects-" Mike strolls to a stop, realising he's distracted enough to reveal too much. He coughs to hide his discomfort. "Uh... who said that I-"
"Jenny suspected it," Harvey said, feeling a bit bad for assisting the discomfort. "So, she was right, huh?"
"Don't, Harvey," Mike warned.
"Don't what?"
"Just don't."
"Mike-"
"Harvey, please," Mike practically pleaded.
Harvey hated himself for pushing the kid, but he'd always been taught to push until it hurt. He'd spent too long skirting around the issues with Mike, although right now he didn't know how much harder he could try. Mike had been through a horrendous experience and maybe now wasn't the right time to confront him with it, maybe Mike needed someone to give that little bit control back. Harvey had never been good at that.
"I'm fine. You don't need to worry."
He's heard that a million times over the last few months and it stirs some sceptical anger within him. He's too tired, and guilty, to go in guns blazing.
"Oh, god," Harvey mutters tiredly, wiping his face with his hands. "Cut the BS, Mike. You're fine, really? You were just ra-"
"No-" Mike harshly interjects with a shake of the head. "You don't get to say that."
"But it's the truth, Mike," Harvey quietly tells him.
"Is it?" Mike hisses. "Who gets to say that? You weren't there. I – I – don't even know what happened. So you don't even get to say that, okay?"
Mike turns accusing eyes on him – red-rimmed and watering, wavering voice – and Harvey realises the kid is close to crying.
"Mike-" Harvey says quietly, lost for words.
"Don't," Mike repeats and turns away to gather himself. He sees the visible shutters come, the audible gulp and the levelled breath. "I'm really off centre right now and my... defences are down, so it's really shitty of you to try and get me to talk right now, Harvey."
"I know," Harvey agrees. "But you don't talk when your defences are up either."
"I'm supposed to have an eidetic memory. Fucking perfect recall. Right now I just have this huge black hole instead," Mike tells him. His hands spread out in front of them in an exasperated gesture. "I need some control. Give me that, at least."
Harvey's not sure if Mike is completely referring to his memory holes or to something entirely different, but he gets where the kid is coming from and he'd be a complete dickhead if he took what little control Mike had left, so he nods at him.
"Okay, for now, okay."
Mike visibly sinks and some tension rolls away from him. He can offer him silence and a safe presence.
"I should go," Mike says and lurches from the seat. He staggers near the door and has to grab the frame for support.
"I'll take you home," Harvey offers, following him and taking his elbow. Mike flinches once but doesn't remove it from his hold. "and then I'll leave you alone."
Mike doesn't respond and Harvey can see him gulp again and tense, "If that's what you want, kid."
"It is," Mike insists quietly.
Mike might be the one with the rohypnol in his system, but Harvey's left feeling confused and with mixed signals. He can't help but feel he's abandoning the kid.
xxx
tbc