Chapter 6: Giving Thanks

About two months later on the Friday after Thanksgiving, I was passing by Harry's room on the way to ours. I paused when I thought I heard the boys arguing, and rather heatedly. Knocking lightly, I poked my head in. "Boys? Everything okay?"

Obviously it wasn't, despite the fact that Van nodded stiffly while Harry stared daggers at him.

"Okay, who wants to tell me what's going on?"

Van's expression had turned to desperation, as he silently pleaded with Harry to not say anything regarding whatever they had been fighting about. His older brother gave him one last glare, and stomped out of the room.

"Van?" I said gently, sitting beside him on the bed and putting my arm around him. "Are you two...not getting along?"

My younger son was holding back tears, insisting quietly, "We are! We are!" but I didn't believe him. I had thought we had put these...problems between the boys behind us, but maybe now that they were both attending the same school...

"You know you can tell me or Dad anything, right, honey?"

Van nodded again, then asked, "Can I go to my room, Mom? I need to...work on stuff for school."

"Sure, sweetie," I replied, kissing his forehead before letting him go.

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I found Harry in the kitchen, making a sandwich. He looked at me with a fierce expression, then went back to preparing the food I was sure he didn't want.

"Harry? What's going on? Did you and Van have a fight?" My older son continued to ignore me, so I put my hands on his, forcing him to stop working on his snack.

"Harry...please look at me...are you and Van having...trouble being at the same school?"

Harry snorted before responding. "Mom, I love you, and you are beyond smart, but sometimes you can be so dense."

"Then help me out, Harry. Tell me what's going on."

"I...can't, Mom...I promised Van that I wouldn't." His anger was now turning to uncertainty. "If I had known it would get so bad...but...it's still not my place..."

Then my six-foot tall high school senior shocked me when he started to weep.

I immediately pulled him into my arms like he was a little boy, crooning that everything would be okay. "No!" he burst out. "No, it won't!"

"Come sit with me, sweetie. Let's talk about...whatever this is." I turned around to lead Harry into the living room, only to find Van standing in the doorway, tears running down his cheeks as well.

I guided both of my sons to the couch, where we all cuddled together, crying.

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When Darren arrived home about an hour later, he called out, "Winnie! Van! Harry! Rhi! I'm..." He stopped abruptly when he realized that we were all sitting right in front of him, talking quietly.

Taking in our tear-stained cheeks and clasped hands, he joined us. I leaned over to give him a quick kiss, and said, "Dare, Van has been having some...problems at school, and Harry has been helping him, but it's become too much for them and they need our assistance."

Darren leaned in to give both boys a long hug, and said, "You know that you can tell Mom and me anything. Someone start at the beginning so we can figure out what to do."

I nodded encouragingly at Van to proceed, since this was really his story to tell.

"Um...Dad...Harry has known this for a while...and Mom just found out today, but... um...I'm..."

Darren squeezed our younger son's hand and repeated, "Anything, honey."

Van nodded, gathering his courage. "I'm...um...gay," he whispered before burying his head in my neck.

Looking my husband square in the eye, I gave him a small smile to help him over the initial shock. We had always known that our younger son was sensitive and introspective, but hadn't given his sexuality much thought. We had given both boys "the Talk" when they started middle school, explaining the logistics and safety issues, as well as discussing the emotions involved. As we had encouraged them to, Harry and Van had asked follow-up questions over the years, but since Van was only a freshman, we had figured romantic interests were still theoretical for him.

"Van, sweetie, please look at me," Darren said gently.

Van shook his head, mumbling into my shoulder, "You're disappointed...won't love me anymore."

Firmly, I said, "Donovan Arthur, look at me." He slowly lifted his head until I was looking into my own eyes. "If Dad or Harry or I told you something like this, would you be disappointed? Would you stop loving us?"

"Never," he whispered, shaking his head emphatically.

"Then why would you expect any less from us?"

"I'm sorry...so sorry...for everything..." Van choked out.

Darren gently turned Van's chin toward him. "Van, I admit I'm surprised, mainly because I hadn't really considered you being interested in anyone, no matter their gender. But you never have to worry about Mom or me or Harry not loving you, and you have nothing to apologize for."

Van nodded, and Darren continued. "Sweetie, this is just a part of you, like the part that writes music, and the part that reads Harry Potter and Hunger Games over and over, and the part that plays Halo with Harry and me, and the part that cooks with Mom, and the part that swims like a fish - all of the parts that make you YOU. None of that is going to change, and knowing this is certainly not going to change how we feel about you, or your place in our family."

I felt our younger son's body relax briefly, and my heart was bursting with love for my husband. Hopefully his profound response would put Van's fear of abandonment to rest, but I knew that we were nowhere near the end of this.

I turned to Harry. "Can you explain what's been going on at school?" I looked at Darren. "We hadn't gotten to this part yet before you came in."

"Well," Harry started. "Van was...asking me some questions after camp this past summer...about how he would know if he...liked someone...and...other stuff. From what he was asking, I suspected..." our older son reached over to squeeze his brother's hand in support, making me so proud. "So, I asked him, because I thought I could help. I promised that I wouldn't tell, and he admitted it. I explained to him about the...issues that he was going to have at school if people found out."

"What...issues?" I asked.

"Mom...Dad...as much as people talk a good game, things haven't improved all that much when it comes to bullying. Especially, with something...important, like this. I begged Van to tell you guys, but he was convinced that...you know...so he wouldn't, and I had already promised that I would keep his secret."

"What's happened, Van?" Darren asked warily.

Van shook his head as if he was unable to speak.

"Harry?"

"I don't know all of it, Dad, but I know that he told Ben and...somehow it got out after that..."

"His friend Ben?" I asked in disbelief.

Harry nodded, "He's not anymore, Mom."

"People have said things to Van, and pushed him, and tripped him, and... I had almost decided to tell you myself no matter what I had promised, but I tried to convince Van one last time that he should. That's what we were arguing about upstairs, Mom. I tried so hard, really I did, to protect him, but I can't be with him all the time, and...I'm so sorry...I tried, I really did..." Harry broke down into gut-wrenching sobs, causing Van to start crying again as well.

Darren and I stared into each others' eyes in disbelief and I know that we were thinking the same thing. How had we missed this?

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That night Darren and I were wrapped together in a cocoon of blankets so we could be as close as possible. The calls to our parents to prepare them were nerve-wracking to make, but turned out to be just the comfort we needed for ourselves. All four grandparents assured us that they would help however we needed them to, be it emotionally, financially or any other way. In the morning we would start on the plans we had formulated after consulting with Jeff and Chris and their husbands, but for now, our boys were sleeping deeply due to their emotional exhaustion. Hopefully, sleeping peacefully wouldn't be too far in the future.

"Rhiannon, I'm so sorry."

"For what, Dare?"

"I feel like I should have known...somehow...what Van...and Harry...were going through..." he inhaled shakily. We were both still on the edge of tears over the torment that both our boys had suffered.

"Why, Dare? I didn't know either. If we're going to blame you, then we'll have to blame me too. And, the boys have been blaming themselves for enough that they had no responsibility for already. Van is clever...and circumspect. We might not have found out for years if he hadn't asked Harry those questions. I wonder if he did that because subconsciously he wanted us to know."

"Maybe...I know you're right, Rhi, but I still feel so guilty."

"I do too, Dare, and I think we always will, but we should also be thankful. Thankful that Van went to Harry for help when he thought he couldn't come to us. Thankful that we've got a family that will support all of us, but especially Van, as we come to terms with this. Thankful that Van has strong role models in Jeff and Colin and Chris and Julian when he has questions about his sexuality that we can't answer. Thankful that he has those two committed couples to look to as examples of the happiness he will find some day. Thankful that we've got the resources to send the boys to a school where they can be safe and happy, if it comes to that." I leaned in to give Darren a soothing kiss, hoping I put his mind at ease, at least a little.

"Rhiannon, I love everything about you, but one of the things I love most is how you know when I need a swift kick or a pep talk...or both."

I matched my lips to my husband's, soliciting access to his mouth with my tongue, wanting to take our minds off this whole situation - until the next day, anyway. When we broke apart, both of us panting, I breathed, "We've always done that for each other, honey. And we'll keep doing it...forever." Then, Darren shifted so he was on top of me, and we did forget - for the rest of the night.