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Adrenaline Rush

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Your defenses were on high.
Your walls built deep inside.
Yeah, I'm a selfish bastard.
But at least I'm not alone.
- Was it a dream?, 30 Seconds To Mars

Chapter Fourteen

Conversation between Mello and Hex has become- strained. There is hardly any witty comeback anymore, no more pointless banters and snide, yet fond exchanges. Hex knows it is wrong, but she misses it all terribly. Even if it does give her a –ton heavy- reminder that she shouldn't be looking at the world –at Mello- any different than she has done before she ever met him.

Days flicker by, faster than the speed of light, and Hex thinks her… bond with him has already turned frayed at the edges. She spends the least amount of time as possible at the apartment, barely any, if she can help it. Hex takes too many odd jobs and mafia assignments and just does whatever the heck Mello says so she can get away from him.

She doesn't care if she is tired to the bone; that she is feeling so confused, hurt and so very bitter. Hex doesn't care that she is not getting any closer to formulating a proper plan to see Mello's demise. She just needs to get away.

To run away. It is a talent of hers, after all. Matt has even said so years before.

Hex closes her eyes as a breeze passes by; reveling in what little sense of relaxation she can muster within herself. She stands on the rooftops of the apartment building, facing the setting sun in the distance. It is twilight now, and the air is cold. Her skin is cold, her hands are cold. Hex is cold, and alone again. She bears with it.

She misses it.

Hex doesn't know how long she has been up there, but she estimates that it has been three to four hours. Everything sounds drowned out and faraway in her near-idle state, but Hex swears that somewhere in the back of her mind- somewhere she would have overlooked had she not been searching through it-, if she really strains her ears, she can hear the sound of bells ringing periodically. Just ringing. Chills crawl down her spine, and this time, it has nothing to do with the temperature.

Her solitude doesn't last long either. She senses the presence long before she hears it, and she takes a wild guess at who it is, calling out his name. "Mello."

"I think there's something you should look at," he tells her, deciding against returning her greeting. "I might have spotted a few hiccups in the news broadcasts on Sakura TV station, but we can't be too sure. You're good at observing video feeds, aren't you?"

She sighs imperceptibly, but doesn't make a move towards the roof exit. Hex doesn't yet answer him, deciding, for once, to think before she acts out. She knows now that anything she says will be taken into account, analyzed under a microscope and tested for hidden meanings. Hex honestly does not know why she has never thought to be this careful around Mello before.

Hex had used to be so relaxed around him.

"Hey." Mello peers at her curiously, probably slightly confused that she isn't yet jabbering away with her latest bit of nonsense. He settles himself beside her, not close, but not far either. It only heightens her awareness of him, dragging her into feeling discomfort and… other things that she can't exactly name. Emotions that she isn't so sure she wants to name.

She finally answers thoughtfully, recalling one of the many things Aiber has taught her. "Observation isn't a skill. Observation can be improved when one stops long enough to take notice of the more minute details."

"O-kay?" Mello raises an eyebrow. It is clear that he has not been expecting the reply. "So are you going to see what I've got or what?"

Hex hides her scowl. "Maybe later. There's no need to rush, is there?"

He doesn't notice her subtle tone of agitation, or if he does, then he does not comment. Instead, he says, "Didn't you want your mentors avenged?"

She finally turns her heavy gaze to him. Her eyes are dark and brooding, thoughtful and calculating. Something flickers behind Mello's eyes, something like suspicion or confusion. She supposes Mello doesn't like what he is seeing now.

Good. That makes two of them.

Hex sneers, "How typical. I've been gone for a week, and it's only been what, five hours and you come here, telling me to haul my ass downstairs because you think I don't need to take a breather. Oh no, Mello's top priority. Hex has to do what he says when he says it. Kira's gonna be Hex's main focus because Mello says it is."

"You alright?" Mello asks, not at all fazed by her explosive rant. "You're being hot-headed- more so than usual.

Hex swallows down a nasty retort, reminding herself that she needs to stay calm to gauge his reactions and words. "I'm tired," she sighs, trying her best to keep her temper down. "So quit bugging me, for once, and go back to doing… whatever you were doing. I need to think."

And silence falls upon them like icy shards- cold and crystal clear. Mello has nothing he should say that he doesn't have to hide. And Hex? She has nothing she should say that will come out in anything less than anguished whispers. She just wants to close her eyes again without Mello lingering there with her. She wants him to turn away and leave her alone. And she waits for it patiently.

Only, he never leaves.

And he is the first to speak after a while. "When did you get back?"

Hex decides not to appear so hell-bent on having him gone. It will only increase his paranoia of her. It has been growing at an alarming rate, ever since she had returned to the apartment, pissed off beyond his understanding, without the pills for Mello that Matt had sent her out for. She had stalked past them and into the bedroom, outright refusing to leave the room until she stopped beating herself up about her mistake.

Mello is her mistake.

She looks at him from the corner of her eye. Unlike then, Mello is healthy and sober now. He stands confidently with her, as if he belongs there. He isn't looking at her, though. His eyes are distant and thoughtful, but it does not make Hex lower her guard down or relax even the slightest bit. She knows Mello is most dangerous when he is quiet. She can never guess what he is thinking until he acts out.

"I don't know- around two in the afternoon?" she replies. Hex is more careful of what she says around him now, but she knows that there is no potential harm of revealing this bit of truth to him. "I was in the apartment, but you were asleep. Did you miss me or something?"

Mello's lips twitch, but he doesn't smile. The next few words he speaks aren't a direct answer to her question, but they might as well have been a confirmation. "I never catch you long enough to talk anymore."

"We're talking now."

His expression goes carefully blank. The wind picks up again, and his hair is blown gently with it. "That's not what I meant," he murmurs. "And don't think, not for a second, that I don't know what you're doing."

It takes half her energy not to draw out her gun and shoot him. She cocks her head aside, feigning patience. "Don't think, not for a second, that you know what I'm doing."

Mello pretends not to hear her. He looks at her suddenly, eyes locking right onto hers. Hex determinedly glares at him. She refuses to look away, because that will only solidify Mello's beliefs.

"Hex," he asks firmly, "Why are you running away from me?"

Immediately, her instinct to lie kicks in. It is only natural, for a person of her profession. She raises an eyebrow, eyes deadpan and uncompromising. "Really? That's what you think?" she snorts, unimpressed. "You're not so hot at seeing how I think, Melly-bean."

"Then why do you always leave?" Mello demands. He is thoroughly befuddled. His brow knits and his eyes narrow at her. Searching and bemused. Frustrated and once again, apprehensive.

She finally looks away from him, a scowl taking over her features. "You know… Considering you've known me for almost four years now, I would've thought you already knew the most basic things about me." She runs a hand through her blonde tresses, frustrated. "But you barely know a thing, do you?"

Mello is quiet for a moment. Hex's heart goes pounding hard in her chest, the sound echoing in her ears. Away from his line of sight, she bites her lip. She doesn't quite know what she's playing at right now, but she'll make it up as she goes. All that truly matters is that Mello must remain on good terms with her. Mello's suspicions of her running away must remain as that: mere suspicions.

She thinks she must divert the conversation down another path.

And Hex will lie through her teeth once more.

Mello rebuts with a not-so-clever, "Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. You barely know me either." Apparently, Mello seems to be at a loss for words as she is.

But she adapts faster, and words pour out of her mouth quickly. "I know you better than you think."

"How?" he dares her, lifting his chin up defiantly.

Hex doesn't need to rack her brain to answer him this time. "I know that you're thinking to overthrow Ross from his position as mafia boss. I know you're expecting me to support you with that, with everything. I know that you can't sleep so well at night. I know you drink because you never seem to be able to stop thinking. I know you don't like to kill, and you won't use your gun if you can help it."

"That-" Mello starts, but she cuts him off.

"I know that your favorite colour is red. I know that you hate sweet food, but you eat it all anyway, if I leave any for you. I know that your right hand twitches when you're angry. I know that you can write, and that you're working on a book right now. And I know that behind your stupid brash, badass exterior, you're just something selfish. You don't want to avenge L. You just want to be him."

"Hex-"

She turns around and marches to him, so close that their noses are touching. "I know that you don't trust Matt- or me. I know, and I don't blame you. I know you hate my cooking. I know you look at me when you think I'm not looking. And I know you I know that you can't stand me, but at the same time," she shifts closer, her lips ghosting over his. "You want me."

Mello lowers his head slowly, eyes half-lidded and dark, but she pulls away swiftly. Hex forces out a heavy sigh and tilts her head up to stare at the sky. It is no longer in pretty hues of red, orange and pink, but rather, it is as dark as she feels. Almost pitch black. There is no moon tonight, and no stars. Just… nothing.

She feels hollow for the stunt she's pulled on Mello, but she manages to push it away. Mello seems to have forgotten his mistrust for her for the moment, just as she has wanted. But a little voice in the back of her head tells her that she might have gone a bit too far. Hex doesn't need to pretend not to listen. Another voice, loud and clear, in her brain tells her that this is it.

This is the epiphany she has been waiting for.

This is the plan that will have her see to Mello's end. The method in which she will be able to gain Mello's trust. She suppresses a malicious grin with difficulty.

She was not number two in Wammy's for nothing. Hex's concoction will be foolproof. Failsafe. Perfect.

Hex will have Mello fall for her.

A violent bout of indecision rushes in her veins like fiery ice. It sends her mixed feelings, both of excitement and guilt. She understands the former emotion, but the latter? Not so much. There is supposed to be nothing to be guilty about. Mello is using her, and she is only getting her revenge. So ease up, she tells herself. This is it. This is what you want, I tell you. I swear.

She blinks, brought out of her reverie by Mello's steady hand on her right arm. Hex eyes dart back and forth from his hand and his face. She thinks Mello is only making things easier for her. In an impressive act of frustration, tiredness and resignation, she lowers her head to gaze at her feet. She says quietly, "I know you. But you don't know me, do you? … Or don't you?"

She has never thought that lying to him could be so easy, and yet so… painful. She closes her eyes and wills the sensations like Mello, they never leave.

"Look at me." Mello's voice is strangely hoarse. His free hand –surprisingly gently- finds its way to the side of her face. His fingers trace her cheek, the curve of her jaw, and finally settle under her chin. He lifts her head up slowly. His eyes take in her features slowly, like a silent caress. "You're… you're right."

Hex tries not to smile triumphantly. Mello will catch on to her game if she does, and it will spoil the moment anyway. The older boy speaks again, and his voice is just as low as before. "I am thinking of overthrowing Ross, and I know you'll help me. I can't sleep well at night. I drink. I hate killing."

He buries his nose in her hair, inhaling the scent of her watermelon shampoo. Hex is frozen, eyes wide. But Mello continues, "My favorite colour is red. I hate sweet food, but I eat it all anyway or you'll bitch." He chuckles throatily, and Hex pretends that she did not just shiver.

"Behind my stupid brash, badass exterior," he murmurs, "I'm just as selfish as you are. You don't want to avenge your mentors. You're just in this for kicks. For yourself."

Mello settles his forehead on her shoulder, and she stiffens. She has never had prolonged physical contact with anyone before, not even with the men she's tricked before, not with anyone. But she supposes she should have expected it. People in the sort of relationship she plans to… instigate with him will need… tons of it. Physical contact. She turns her head slightly and finds a curtain of blonde hair hiding his face from her.

"I don't trust you, but you've told me plenty of times that you don't trust me either," he says. "I don't blame you."

He brushes his lips at the underside of her jaw, the movement feather light. Hex wouldn't have felt it if she is not so hypersensitive, suddenly. And his nose traces its way up her cheek. Hex's hands twitch to touch Mello, but she isn't so sure if she can move just yet.

"I look at you when you're here for me to look," he says over her skin, and Hex feels warmth rushing to her cheeks. "And I can't stand you, just as you can't stand me. But at the same time…"

His lips hover over hers like it had happened just seconds before. Hex stops breathing as Mello says, almost inaudibly, "I want you."

And, clichés be damned, she swears she loses her train of thought when Mello finally presses his lips onto hers. His eyes, half-open, remain locked on hers for a moment before he shuts them slowly. He begins attempting to coax a response out of her.

This isn't, by all means, her first kiss. Given her profession as a con-artist, seductive moves like flirting and kissing are a given. But… But she realizes, somewhere in the darker recesses of her mind, that this kiss will not be another one of those that she gives to men before she kills them. No. This one… with Mello, will be-

The first one that she's ever gotten, when it counted.

Her eyes flutter shut.

How to use XVIII: An individual with the eye power of a god of death can tell the name and life span of other humans by looking at that person's face. By possessing the Death Note, an individual gains the ability to kill, and stops being a victim. From this point, a person with the Death Note cannot see the life span of other Death Note owners, but they will not be able to see his/her own life span.

Mello is encouraged at the fact that she is finally responding, and his hands settle on her, one on her waist, and the other, at the small of her back so she won't pull away. The kiss is careful, almost bitterly sweet in a way. They've knocked noses once, but he supposes he should savor the moment anyway, because he has a feeling that she will run away again.

He feels her drape her arms over his shoulders, and she presses herself against him softly. He notices vaguely, how she seems to just fit in his arms. She is soft, hesitant, and warm. It is such a complete contrast with her rambunctious, loud self. Mello cannot help but wonder if this is what she will be like, when she finally trusts him enough to begin a… relationship with him. If one can call it as such.

Because Mello has intentions of gaining her trust with all this kissing and holding. So he can achieve his goals.

Or at least, that is what he keeps tells himself.

Mello knows that his intentions are to just kill her in the end, to dispose of her because her death will soon be a stepping stone toward Kira. Mello knows that to have her co-operate, he should have her trust him. He doesn't have much time before he has to initiate his plans. He has a year, at most, to have her wrapped around his finger.

But at the same time, he cannot help but feel an unbelievable guilt for what he is doing. Here he is, with a powerful, influential girl, in his arms. And she is willingly lowering her guard for him. And he intends to kill her, for all she is worth. What kind of man does that? What kind of sick, demented, man does that for his own personal gain?

A part of him whispers, That's just you, kid. There's nobody like you.

Mello suddenly questions why he has thought that to be a good thing before.

Suddenly overcome with –horrible guilt, eating up at him with an insatiable hunger- frustration, sheer confusion and anger at himself, he is the one to end the kiss. He pulls away after one last peck, and then he rests his brow on hers. His eyes are shut tight now, but he senses Hex's confused eyes focusing on him. Right at him.

"I did something wrong, didn't I?" Hex asks, sounding uncharacteristically shy.

He grits his teeth. His hands clenching and unclenching in an attempt to vent off his anger. Damn it, using her is supposed to be easy! Four years ago, at that condemned building where he had first met her, he had hated her! He had sworn that he'd be glad to be rid of her, and he had wanted to be able to do it as soon as the opportune moment arrived. But now?

Now?

Mello is having second thoughts. Mello thinks it will not be so easy.

Blast it all. Hex- he has been lusting after her for years now. Yeah, but that had only been lust, nothing more than an unhealthy infatuation with her. But infatuation is supposed to be temporary, is it not? Shouldn't have whatever he's feeling for her be gone by now? Why is it still here? He is still lusting after her, and he is still so, very infatuated. He is stuck, and he's in deep.

He has made out, and even gone all the way with women before. They were impersonal and meaningless, and Mello can never remember their names. None of them has had successfully made him… feel. Just feel, like Hex does. And he has done nothing more than to kiss her.

"No," Mello rasps, finally answering her. "You've done nothing wrong."

Quite the opposite. She has done everything right, in her own weird, awkward ways. But she has done it all, nonetheless. She has kept him company, kept him fed and ready with a bed to sleep in. She has taught him how to shoot, kill, and how to lie. She has helped to bring him to where he stands in the mafia today. And he will damn it all in one year, or less. He will pretend to forget –if he can-, and he will send her off on a fool's errand.

Something that will have her… dead.

The thoughts hurt much more than they should have. Much more than when his mom had died –he had been too young anyway-, and much more than when L had died –he was too angry to be hurt anyway. He only wishes that he has a better plan, one where no one dies. He wishes he can think of a plan where victory is his, and happy endings can go all around.

But Mello's got nothing.

And he knows that it is either him, or her.

And if there is one thing he has learned from Hex, the one thing he can never forget... It is that in this life, it is survival of the fittest.

TBC

A/N: And so things begin to get a little complicated. Funny isn't it, how they're alike? :P

Reviews are love.