A/N You'll no doubt be slightly interested in knowing just what the Doctor has been up to during the time leading up to this, and an enlightening glimpse of events from his POV which will answer many questions is coming. But to allow the chapter to play out as it does here, this rollercoaster will first be ridden from Rose's perspective. And yeah, if they thought they had complications before, well... ;)
Chapter 18
Numb and reeling, Rose returned to the chamber she and the Doctor had been sharing during their time on Zobulan. Informing the Doctor that it was no longer appropriate for him to stay with her in this room on the eve of her marriage to another had not been necessary.
He had not tried to return.
With his glaring absence, a feeling of panic bubbled up in Rose, and she was still fighting with the fear of the Doctor never coming back at all. She was going through with this only to save him, yet what if this drove him so far away that he planned to board the TARDIS and never return? Aside from the long-term implications to...whatever their relationship was, her most immediate worry was over how he could receive the antidote after all this if he wasn't even here to be given it. But Rose calmed herself marginally by knowing that the TARDIS was still not quite fully operational, so her fear of that scenario, at least, was unfounded.
Even still, the Doctor had said just the day before that it may only be a matter of days before the TARDIS was capable of traveling again. There was a chance it could be ready any time now. But then there was his aching promise of not leaving for good without first saying goodbye. As much as the words shattered her heart, ironically they were also among her only sources of comfort at the moment.
And surely, despite everything, he would be there for her in attendance at the wedding, if nothing else. Though that just might kill her. How could she stand up and pledge herself to another man with the Doctor there looking on? Rose tried not to even let her mind dwell on that approaching moment. She would do what she had to do when the time came.
Rose didn't even bother to change out of her clothes that night as she lay down on the bed she and the Doctor had been sharing. Though he didn't use it often, usually staying up through the night to continue his work, his scent was still there. It enveloped her, washing her in a fusion of comfort and anguish.
She lay awake throughout the long, sleepless night, her thoughts in turmoil. Initially Rose had thought that she would do this if she must just to make sure the Doctor was safe. Then, after it was done and he had been given the antidote in accordance with her following through, they could then somehow escape all this, despite Eilam's warning of the consequences to the tenuous peace on Zobulan if their new Queen fled, casting a belief of failure on the King. She and the Doctor certainly didn't go about inciting wars – just the opposite. But what she was being expected to do here in order to prevent it was nearly unthinkable. Once the TARDIS was operational they would run and never look back. They would leave this planet far behind and never return.
Yet beneath the thought of such a plan, a part of her did feel unavoidable responsibility if breaking her vows to the King would result in an uprising of unrest and instability, sending the already unsteady planet into another generation of bloody fighting. She tried very hard not to dwell on that. She told herself this was not her responsibility – especially considering how she was being forced into this in the first place. Yet despite this, she still cared deeply for the welfare of others. That's who she was. She couldn't escape that fact, regardless of whether or not she could personally absolve herself from the responsibility of the consequences. Those consequences would still be there.
And yet another thought was circling through her mind in the clamor of all the rest. The Doctor certainly gave it no credence, but maybe it was possible that she was meant for this. It was not an easy thing to do, and this was certainly not what she wanted to do, but maybe she needed to look beyond herself in this. If uniting herself with the King meant that an end to the generations of fighting over the throne and the achievement of lasting harmony – or even just one generation of sustained peace – could be brought to a war-torn planet, then at least her personal sacrifice would mean something.
And maybe, maybe in time she could even come to develop feelings for Zerin that went beyond what she felt now. Maybe he could also begin to develop the same. She had now quickly come to despise Eilam, and she wanted to rage at Zerin for not standing up against Eilam in this, regardless of the generations of teaching which said Elders were to be revered in their 'wisdom.' A part of her now wanted to hate the King. But she believed that Zerin was still a good man at heart, despite allowing himself to be led astray in this. Maybe – and oh, it was foolish hope, but this kind of hope was all she had at the moment – maybe, in time, they could actually make this work; make this into something that in time would become deeper than either thought it could have been. Deeper than what she felt now as much of her despised Zerin for this.
Yet as soon as her thoughts even tried to go the first step in that possible direction, she was immediately reminded of the reason why this hurt so. The reason why this tore her soul in two was not just the thought of joining herself to someone she didn't love; it was the thought of losing the one whom she did. She could never fully give her heart to another because it already belonged to someone else. Wholly. Irrevocably. As much as it now hurt, she could not change that.
Rose could scarcely believe all of this was even happening. In spite of the emotional turmoil she was drowning in, she couldn't help but marvel at the surrealism of it all in the first place. Who would have ever thought that she, a shop girl from a council estate, would one day have her heart divided between a King and a Lord?
And yet, that Time Lord could never give her his hearts in return, could he? Their last conversation seemed to make that painfully clear. And that had been alright, she had always told herself. Just having his hand to hold had been enough for her if it meant she could be a part of his mad, brilliant life. No matter how much she might have quietly longed for more, she would have never pushed for more than he had been able to give. What they did have, even if it never reached the level of what she had inwardly desired, had always been enough. Or so she had tried to tell herself. But her heart had still held hope. She had held to the hope that one day, maybe, they could be more. So much more together than they had ever been apart.
Any hope for that was now gone. When she had very nearly begged for what existed unspoken between them to be voiced and acknowledged, the Doctor couldn't even look her in the eyes. The Doctor could be so closed off, so guarded with his inner feelings that she would at times be left to question just what it was he might be thinking or feeling, yet she had still believed she knew what he silently felt concerning this one thing. Maybe she had been wrong all along. What she felt was so strong that perhaps she only imagined that he had felt it too, because how could he have not? It was too powerful. Too encompassing. Quiet, yet strong and tangible.
She loved him.
This was not a revelation suddenly discovered in this moment of deep contemplation. She had loved him long before all this had shaken her heart. And ironically, that's why she was marrying another man – to protect the one she loved even if there was only a chance he might be in danger of harm. But had he ever felt even the slightest bit the same? Maybe all this time it wasn't complications making it so that he couldn't love her; it was the simple fact that he didn't.
What she had said to him the last time they spoke replayed again in her mind. Did it even matter whether Zerin loved her or not? Either way, she could never have the love of the one man whom she loved in return.
-:-:-:-
When Rose woke from what could not have amounted to more than a handful of minutes of fitful sleep throughout a night plagued with turbulent thoughts, she rose to face what loomed ahead of her the next day. Rose felt almost as if the numbness encasing her since the night before had twined its deadening tendrils through to the innermost reaches of her soul and taken over her entire being. Maybe it was a survival mechanism. How could she face this if her tormented feelings were allowed free reign?
A host of maids surrounded Rose and readied her for the ceremony. Despite all those attending her, Nahlia was one who was absent, and Rose wished she could have seen at least just one familiar face. She understood, of course, why Shadarra had not been there, either.
Royal officials spent time instructing her on the protocol that would be followed and the details of the events which would soon take place. Though there were differences, it was not entirely unlike the traditional wedding ceremony of which Rose was familiar with. She didn't know if this was a comfort or not. If the ceremony followed by the people of Zobulan had seemed completely alien to her, then maybe it would be easier to remain detached. As it was, this felt like a wedding. A solemn pledge of one to another. Did she even want this to feel real, this marriage?
The wedding would be held in the Great Amphitheater in the center of the city, the towering structure that had caught her notice upon first arrival, before being eclipsed by the looming castle. Afterwards, a procession would then follow to the palace where a wedding banquet would be held in the Grand Hall, the end of which would be marked by the first publicly-shared kiss between the newly-joined King and Queen, signifying their union. Rose had been visited by the Royal Officiator who would perform the ceremony and who instructed her on the vows that would be spoken and explained the traditional silver bangles that would be exchanged and placed around each other's wrists.
Rose was only half hearing the words that were spoken to her, feeling as if this wasn't really even happening, like she would wake up soon and find out this had all just been some daft, mixed-up dream. But it all became starkly real when she stood and looked back at the reflection of herself for the first time once she had been dressed in her wedding gown.
Her hair was arranged in perfect curling spirals that were arrayed elaborately atop her head and encircled by a glistening silver tiara. The off-the-shoulder gown was a shimmering silver with sheer, bell-style sleeves of delicate silvery lace. The gown followed her curves like a second skin until reaching her waist. The full skirt then billowed out in glimmering drapes of fabric with a long, flowing train. The iridescent material was unlike any Rose had seen. There was little added embellishment on the gown because the fabric itself was breathtaking as flecks of silver caught the light and glistened like a fiery sunset on a sea of crystal.
Rose stared at her regal reflection, barely recognizing the woman in the mirror. She knew this was the day her life would forever change.
Word had been spread throughout the realm, and crowds had been gathering around the castle since just before dawn. They continued to increase in number, a thrum of excitement and anticipation filling the city and would soon spread throughout all of Zobulan as this day all had awaited for generations reached its fulfillment.
Once fully readied, Rose was escorted to a waiting carriage that would carry her to the place of the wedding. Before stepping in, she was stopped by a messenger delivering a note. Rose took it and then boarded the open carriage pulled by a team of four pristine white steeds. The sound of cheers from the throng gathered outside faded from her awareness as she opened the note and read who it was from.
It was written by the Doctor. He wrote simply that he would see her later on.
He would probably make a brief appearance later at the banquet to wish her well. And no doubt to prepare to say goodbye.
All the emotions that had previously been numbed broke free at that instant, and they washed over her in wave upon crashing wave. Rose fought so hard not to weep in that moment. She had settled in her mind that she would do this, that she would put her life with the Doctor and any hopes and dreams – impossible as they had been – behind her. She would do this to protect the Doctor and she would do this if her destiny was to play this role in ushering in lasting stability for this world. Yet in this moment, her heart felt like it was being torn from her chest and shredded to pieces. Rose looked out at the crowds cheering her, and a part of her hated them for it. She never wanted this. All she wanted was her Doctor. The only thing she wanted was what she could not have.
The carriage carrying Zobulan's future Queen made its fated journey through the stone streets lined with cheering masses and arrived at the Great Amphitheater, following a path into the center of the open arena and coming to a stop at a set of stone steps leading up to the elevated dais. The carriage door opened and maids assisted her in stepping out, arranging her flowing train behind her.
Thousands were in attendance, yet the crowd fell hushed as the Royal Guard flanking the steps turned in unison and stood at attention facing her as she took the first step. Each one's face was stoic and emotionless, eyes fixed straight ahead, with the exception of Amron who stood at attention at the front of the first row. His eyes briefly cut to hers, and the unexpectedly-cold, steely look might have momentarily caused her stomach to clench all the tighter if it had actually been possible to tighten any further.
Rose lifted her eyes to the top of the platform and could make out two men waiting at the top – the Officiator and King Zerin.
Her heart began beating harder in her chest. This was really going to happen. Her head turned and looked past the guards to her right and to her left as she continued her ascent. Eilam was on the front row with his wife Shaleah in a section cordoned off for those of nobility, but she purposely avoided even looking at him. Despite the masses in attendance, there was one noticeably absent. Though he said he would see her later, the Doctor apparently chose not to be in attendance for the actual wedding. It was better that way, Rose told herself as she continued her climb.
She lifted her gaze again to the top as she ascended the final set of steps. She could do this, Rose repeated to herself. She could do this.
Rose took the last step and reached the top of the platform. She looked first at the Officiator, and then turned to her right to face Zerin, outfitted in his own regal attire. Sleek black trousers were paired with a deep crimson tunic, with a silver sash across his chest bearing royal Zobulan insignia. Despite his distinguished appearance, his face showed slight nervousness, but then he smiled, albeit tenuously, and for just a brief moment the tightness in the pit of her stomach somehow eased to a bearable degree.
Rose turned her head slightly to the right and looked out over the sea of people gathered. Hushed murmurs combined into a single loud hum, but she could barely hear it over the ringing within her ears.
This was her wedding day. Never, in all her life, had Rose imagined something like this. There was a time, before she ever met the Doctor, when a wedding like this might have thrilled her. Right now she was fighting not to let it break her.
Rose's focus was drawn back to the platform as the Officiator spoke the first words and requested both their hands. His voice echoed throughout the Great Amphitheater, the structural architecture designed in such a way so that the sound resonated out from the dais. Rose placed her hand in the Officiator's, and Zerin did the same. Their hands were then joined together, the Officiator covering them with both of his, one resting below and one above. Rose lifted her eyes again to Zerin as his hand clasped hers. His grip was firm but not in a forceful way. It was as if his fingers around hers were there to reassure her and keep her steady. His eyes were soft, attempting to soothe her silently. Rose focused on taking deep breaths.
She was barely able to focus on the words that were being said until it was time for Zerin to speak his vow to her. The Officiator lifted a silver box lined in crimson fabric that was sitting on a pedestal beside them. In it rested two silver, crisscrossing bands intended to be placed around each other's right wrists. The first was handed to the King. Zerin lifted Rose's hand and slid the band into place, a slight tingling sensation spreading up her arm as he did so, the sensation a contrast to the numbness enveloping her body.
His dark eyes were fixed on hers. Rose was unable to tear her own eyes away as he then began to speak his vow. He paused, then lifted his voice.
His words were spoken with such depth that it felt as if this man was giving her his very soul. "This is my solemn vow to you before these witnesses. On this sacred day, I give myself unto you and take you as mine alone. I am yours and you are mine, in heart and in soul, from now until the grave."
Rose's entranced gaze was pulled from Zerin as the Officiator extended to her the silver band to be given to the King. With a trembling hand, she lifted his and began to slip it on. In this final moment she faltered for a second, and he whispered her name, giving quiet encouragement.
She looked into his eyes, gaze locked as she slid the symbol of unity in place. She felt that same tingling sensation again as she did so, running up her arm and behind her temples. And in that moment, in that impossible breath-stealing moment, her heart stopped for a span of time as the face of King Zerin became the face of the Doctor.
Rose gasped audibly and he quickly clutched her hand before it fell away from his, squeezing gently. His familiar, deep brown eyes remained locked on hers as he nodded once, ever so slightly.
Her wide, disbelieving eyes darted to the Officiator and then out to the crowd. Did anyone else just see this but her? From the lack of shocked reaction, she seemed to be the only one aware of what had actually just happened. How or why, she had no idea. Her mind was suddenly in a spiraling free-fall.
"It's okay," the Doctor whispered so as only she could hear. "It's me, Rose."
The sound of the anxious crowd below grew louder with unsettled whispering as Rose stood silent and unmoving.
The Officiator cleared his throat uneasily and spoke up quietly. "My Lady, your vow. It is time."
The Doctor moved a step closer just enough to whisper to her again. "If you want to run we can try to run. Your choice, Rose."
Surrounded by multitudes, to say nothing of the guards flanking the steps, the odds of even coming close to making it out were insane, yet he was giving her the choice to run.
Those were the only words she needed to hear.
Despite everything else going on around them in this crazy, mixed-up situation, half of which she now didn't even understand in the least, Rose was certain of one thing: This was the day they stopped running. They had run from this for far too long.
Rose looked back to the Doctor, her heart nearly hammering its way out of her chest. He smiled slowly again. It was the one reserved only for her, his eyes pools of fathomless warmth, and Rose found the words easily falling from her lips, though her voice was slightly shaking. This was no longer about playing a part or fulfilling a duty or demand. In this moment, this had nothing to do with anyone else but the two of them. These words were not placed in her mouth by the prodding of an Officiator. These words had lived in her soul long before this day. She had always been his, and these words were for him alone.
"This is my solemn vow to you before these witnesses. On this sacred day, I give myself unto you and take you as mine alone. I am yours and you are mine, in heart and in soul, from now until the grave."
Time stilled. Neither moved or even blinked, lest their eyes lose contact for even a fraction of a moment.
The Officiator placed his hand over both of theirs once again and spoke the final proclamation. "The sacred vows given to each other have bound these two in heart and in soul, and they shall be one until the breath of life is no more."
A mighty roar erupted from the crowd as cheers and applause filled the air, rumbling throughout the city.
To others, they might have convincingly stood as playing the role of Zobulan's King and Queen. But it was the Doctor and Rose, now husband and wife, who turned as one and descended the stairs.