A/N The Doctor is shaken enough to allow at least one of his protective walls to come down, despite the pain of re-opening old wounds. What Rose gives him in return has the potential to finally begin penetrating his remaining armor.
Chapter 23
Compressed beneath the weight of their emotions, a state of sleep had claimed the Doctor and Rose; yet their shared slumber was not in peace as tumultuous thoughts bled into their dreams. But their fitful slumber and the battles being waged within was soon to be overshadowed by an approaching threat from without. Holding the position of royal rule in a world where bloodshed had always surrounded the control of the throne was not always a safe place to stand. Many in Zobulan's realm now believed they stood on the cusp of lasting peace, but one close to the King had been planning to ensure the opposite.
The flickering light given off by the fire had faded to near blackness as dying embers gave the only source of muted light to the shadow-encased room. Neither the Doctor nor Rose stirred as the doors to the chamber opened noiselessly, nor did they wake as a menacing figure stalked silently closer, intent on overthrowing a kingdom.
An instant later, Rose's eyes flew open in sudden fright as a strong, smothering hand clamped over her mouth. Her mind, wrenched violently from sleep, barely even had a chance to register what was happening. A dark figure loomed over her, and the fading orange coals of the fire cast just enough light to see a flash of glinting metal as a dagger was swiftly raised and poised to come down across her throat, mere seconds now all that stood separating her from death. Before Rose could even react with defensive movement or attempt to cry out beneath the hand pressing her down and covering her mouth, a sudden flurry of movement from beside her quickly shifted the circumstances in a matter of seconds.
A second figure launched itself across the bed, across Rose, and into the cloaked attacker, both tumbling to the floor with a loud thud, followed by a crash as a pedestal beside the bed displaying a large ornate vase was caught in the impact and toppled over to the floor, shattering to pieces.
Barely breathing, Rose scrambled up and off the bed and to her feet. She could just make out the form of the second figure who she now realized was the Doctor as he wrestled with a hooded assailant in a fight to disarm and subdue the would-be assassin. Despite his slim frame, the Doctor was strong and agile with lightning-fast reflexes, and within seconds he had the attacker on his back, wrists gripped and hands pinned over his head as the Doctor struggled with him for the dagger.
Rose frantically cast her eyes around the room for anything she could use to assist the Doctor in the fight. Rose quickly grabbed a heavy candelabrum off the bedside table, but was unable to wield it and strike a blow because the Doctor's body covered most of the other person's.
"Guards!" she screamed, running to the chamber's doors and throwing them open. "Someone, please! We need help!"
Behind her, the sound of scuffling and loud grunts continued, and as she ran back over toward them, the attacker managed to maneuver and roll the Doctor beneath him. Seizing the split-second opportunity, Rose lunged forward then, striking the attacker's head with a swinging impact, delivering a forceful blow with the blunt end of the brass candelabrum still clutched in her grasp.
It stunned the man enough that the Doctor was able to roll free from beneath, but in a fraction of a second the attacker then reared up and turned, launching himself forward on his knees towards Rose, throwing her off balance as they impacted. Her back hit the stone floor with a loud crack, but she managed to keep her head from bashing back to the floor as well.
Straddling her as Rose struggled and fought beneath the attacker, legs flailing and fists beating ineffectually against his strong upper body, the dagger he still possessed was again raised to slash, but the Doctor had scrabbled to his feet and he lunged forward, catching the attacker's arms in a tight grip just as Rose freed one leg and delivered a forceful kick to the man's belly.
The sound of running was heard down the corridor outside and quickly grew louder. The chaotic struggling was immediately halted as four guards, closely followed by two more, charged into the chamber. They descended on the assailant in an instant, outnumbering and quickly subduing him.
Breathing hard, the Doctor scrambled on his hands and knees over to Rose, still laying on her back where she had been thrown to the floor, his only immediate focus on whether or not she was okay.
"Are you alright?" he panted, his hand on her shoulder and eyes roving her for injury as best he could in the near-dark.
Rose swallowed and nodded, trying to catch her breath and find her voice. "Y-yeah. Yeah, I'm okay. Are you?"
He nodded back, then took her carefully by the shoulders and helped lift her up into a sitting position on the floor just as a group of six more guards arrived in the room. The glowing torches in the chamber were turned up, and the Doctor moved his attention back to the hooded man who was now on his knees, restrained by the guards. The Doctor moved forward and reached out to remove the black hood and reveal the attempted killer's face.
"Amron!" Rose gasped upon seeing the King's first in command. She stood up from the floor on slightly shaky legs before taking a step back to sit heavily on the edge of the bed, still processing the hair's breadth she had been from certain death if it had not been for the Doctor's immediate actions.
The Doctor crouched to inspect the man closer. He narrowed his eyes in on the familiar Krendorian birthmarks on the back of the man's hands, grasping his right wrist to inspect one closer. "This is a tattoo," the Doctor assessed. He brought his eyes up to study the man's face. "And I believe I am correct in assuming you've no doubt undergone other types of physical alterations to modify your appearance, giving you the façade of a Krendorian as a disguise among the royal regiment," the Doctor concluded.
Amron's voice was icy and filled with malice. "I served among the ranks of the former King, willing to lay down my life, just as my men had who were slaughtered on the battlefields of Shaldon. You then claimed to seek only peace with the treaty that ended the fighting, yet I knew the Krendorians were only claiming goodwill as they sought after the throne, waiting in the wings for our aged King to pass. When you then took reign I knew the best way to monitor the enemy was to become one of them. And oh, how I served you well, rising to the top of the ranks, yet you never even suspected." His eyes flashed with deep-seated hatred. "And you thought you were loved by all," he mocked, believing he was taunting the King. "The great King Zerin, favored and accepted even by the Jezrians."
"So your plan of infiltration was to monitor, but your heart is so full of hatred that you didn't hesitate to resort to killing when it suited you. And how long have you planned this against me? Against Zobulan?" the Doctor demanded as he stood to full height, maintaining the belief that he was Zerin. "Are you so opposed to peace that you would resort to murder, to bringing yet another war by attempting to overthrow the kingdom – a kingdom that has now ushered in the peace long foretold?"
"This is not peace!" Amron bit out, his teeth clenched. "This is the Krendorians forever having their foot on the throat of the Jezrians, the rightful rulers of Zobulan. This union," he continued with venom, steely eyes now turned on Rose, "means the Krendorian line would forever claim right to the throne. It matters not that their blood would be diluted through an outsider. The Jezrians would still be subjugated and stripped of the crown."
"But even your own people have long accepted what was foretold about his union," Rose countered.
"Not if it comes through a Krendorian monarchy!" he seethed. "There may be Jezrians who accept this – those who are weak and desperate for peace at any price. But I am not the only one who would gladly die to see a Krendorian-dominated kingdom brought down. The foretelling was meant to come to pass through a Jezrian kingdom. Let the Krendorians be the ones to accept such a union on that day!"
"And so the dissension would continue," the Doctor said, then looked to Rose. They both knew now more than ever that the union brought about between Zerin and Shadarra and the joining of the two bloodlines was the only sure way to bring about a ruling house that would be accepted by both races. Despite the issues raised which now stood between the Doctor and Rose, in the midst of all this they had at least helped to bring about what would soon be a monumental transformation for this realm.
"Take him away," the Doctor ordered. When Zerin returned Amron's fate could be dealt with. For now, he wanted the man who had been a breath away from murdering Rose locked far away from her.
Amron was led from the room, but one of the guards remained and turned to the Doctor. "Are either one of you injured, Your Majesty, Your Highness? Shall I summon the physician?"
The Doctor looked back to Rose again and she shook her head.
"No, we're fine," the Doctor assured him. "You may go."
The officer bowed before turning and leaving the chamber. The Doctor followed behind him and this time bolted the door from the inside, not taking any chances. Amron had apparently been working alone in the attempted assassination, but any possible unrest other Jezrians might be feeling was not going to be quelled until the Doctor could bring Zerin and Shadarra back here the next day, their revealed union the only true solution that would be fully accepted by everyone.
The Doctor also wasn't taking any chances in regards to Rose being uninjured. He went over to the discarded tunic he had worn that was draped across a chair and removed the sonic screwdriver from where he had tucked it in an inner pocket.
He walked back over to Rose where she sat and swept the whirring device up and down her length.
"Said 'M fine," Rose spoke quietly, the thick tension between them returning now that they were once again alone, despite the vicious distraction of what had just taken place, which left them both still feeling rattled.
"I'm just being certain," the Doctor answered as he studied the results. "Adrenaline can often mask an injury." The adrenaline was indeed coursing through her system with each rapid beat of her heart, but there were no internal injuries or fractures, he confirmed to his relief.
"I s'pose you were right, then," Rose said quietly, gazing briefly up at him and then back down. "A joining of the two races of Zobulan is the only royal line that could ever really satisfy everyone."
The Doctor turned away, replacing the sonic screwdriver in the pocket he had retrieved it from. "Well, quite a few might have accepted what seemed to be the fulfilling of the 'Ancient Legend' regardless of which line it reached its completion through. Especially those already longing so desperately for lasting peace. But unfortunately there would always be those like Amron who would never be satisfied if one of their own was not represented on the throne," he concluded, turning back toward her.
"Well, thankfully for the people of Zobulan you're good at finding unlikely solutions," she offered with a slight smile. Rose knew the combined lineage of Zerin and Shadarra would soon transform the kingdom, and despite all else she couldn't help but allow herself to smile at this, at least. The Doctor often managed to initiate the seemingly impossible.
The Doctor ducked his head, then turned and walked silently over to the carved stone pedestal that had been knocked over in the struggle. He stood it back in place, then picked up a few shards of the broken vase, removing the sharp pieces from the floor. His back was still to her when he spoke again, quietly, honestly. "I'm not always right about everything, though. I can't always fix things. Sometimes just the opposite." He drew a deep, shuddering breath. "Sometimes...sometimes all I manage to do is destroy."
Rose felt a stab of deep pain for him, his words as broken as the porcelain in his hands. She wasn't sure if he was speaking of the past, the present or both. "Doctor, you haven't destroyed anything here," she answered, her voice soft but insistent. Yes, they had significant issues to face here that could no longer be ignored. But she wasn't giving up on believing they could make this work. She wasn't giving up on believing in them.
The Doctor gave a short laugh that came out a bitter, hollow sound. He set the shards aside but kept his back to her, the tension radiating off the rigid lines of his body as his voice came out low and painfully tight. "Haven't I? And how are we supposed to fix this and go back from here? How do we go back to how things w–"
"We don't," Rose cut in. Earlier she had been too exhausted to keep going 'round with this. Maybe it was the adrenaline still flooding her system from the attack, but right now Rose was resolved to face this right here, right now, head-on. "We don't go back, Doctor. I don't want to go back. I want to go forward, with you...," to be absolutely clear to him in what she meant, Rose spoke three more words she once never imagined she would be in a position to say, "...as my husband."
The Doctor drew in a sharp breath as his emotions surged through him like a swelling tidal wave, threatening to drown them both if it finally broke free. Did she even grasp the danger? Rose was asking for fire as she faced down the hearts of the Storm.
The echo of Rose's words filled the weighted silence suspended between them. The Doctor stood motionless and rigid as steel, his back still toward her. This wouldn't do, Rose knew. She needed him to look in her eyes as she said this. "Doctor, look at me," she quietly but firmly requested.
He turned slowly, reluctantly. The eyes that met hers were dark and his jaw tensely set. The attacker may have been seized and taken from the room, but the Doctor was still engaged in a fight. This time he was fighting that same age-old enemy that he had never quite managed to conquer or reach peace with: Himself.
Rose locked onto his stormy eyes with her own and continued steadfastly. "You said that I wouldn't want to be with you if I really knew you. Why don't you let me decide that for myself? Because I do know you. I know just the kind of a man you are inside. And I don't care about anything in the past because I know that there is nothing that could ever change how I–"
He abruptly cut her off, turning sharply and taking a few distancing steps further away across the room. "Rose, you just don't know. You really don't. You have no idea. And you don't know what you're asking for."
"You're right," she responded back with intensity. "I don't know. I don't know those things you're holding back because you won't let me in, even a little. You hold it all inside and let it kill you. You're your own judge, jury and executioner for any and all wrong you think you've ever committed. But you do not bear the responsibility for the entire universe, Doctor, no matter how much you might try to force yourself to carry it."
"I only carry the burdens that I deserve," he answered darkly, self-bitterness evident in his tone as he kept his back to her, walled off.
"You don't have to carry them alone," she replied with gentle insistence, her eyes on him even though his back was still on her.
He shook his head in refusal, his voice hoarse. "Rose, I would never, ever make you–"
"It's not about making me. This is about letting me. It's about letting someone be there for you in a way you've never allowed because you think you don't deserve it, but you do." She couldn't bear this distance any more. Rose stood to her feet to move toward him but hissed involuntarily in pain as she did so.
This brought the Doctor back around to face her, his expression still hard and emotions chained, but noticeable concern flickering across his dark eyes. "You're hurt," he stated, taking a step towards her.
We both are, in more ways than one, she inwardly replied. Rose shook her head. "I'm alright."
He pressed his lips together in a thin line, a scowl coming over his features as he looked her up and down, as if he could detect evidence of the contrary just by looking at her rigid stance. He knew her reply wasn't true, but he also knew he was the last person to call someone out for claiming they were alright when they were not. That was his patented line, after all.
He retrieved the sonic screwdriver and came back over to Rose, everything else between them put on hold until this, at least, was tended to. "Where are you hurt?" he asked, his voice falling gentle but his eyes firm.
Rose sighed heavily. He was going to insist on fixing this but nothing else? Her voice was toneless as she brushed it off. "I'm just a little sore from falling back on the floor. I'm fine, though. I didn't even notice it 'till I moved."
His eyes narrowed in as he moved around to stand beside her. "Is it your back, then?"
"Yeah," she confirmed in resignation, knowing he wouldn't let this go until he felt he had fixed it. She just wished he had the same determination to resolve other things as well.
He switched on the sonic and ran it slowly over her. "Did you hit your head?"
"No. Caught myself enough to stop that, at least. Just my back."
"Sit down," he said quietly, guiding her back to the edge of the bed as he lowered himself down to sit beside her. He placed a light but probing touch to the center of her back and she winced. "I'm sorry. You're badly bruised, but I can take care of it."
"Like before," she spoke quietly, biting her lip as she recalled the intimacy of him tending her bruises even when he couldn't see them, relying on his touch and her guidance.
He swallowed thickly as his mind replayed the same incident. "Yes. Like before." He formed a tentative question. "Will you let me...?"
Rose nodded wordlessly, and was then glad she hadn't answered with words because they would have caught in her throat as his hands swept her hair aside and went to her back. She realized then the full extent of what he was asking permission for. How exactly was this going to work, then? A gesture so intimate while he was still remaining so distant.
His fingers moved to the top of the crisscrossing laces, undoing the back closure of the silken ivory gown. He slowly pulled the laces free, sucking in a sharp breath as her upper back was revealed to him. Her fair skin was marred with harsh red and purple bruises already forming across the expanse of her back where her upper body had been slammed against the unforgiving stone floor.
Rose could feel her heart rate speed up as each lace was tugged open, revealing more of her skin. Despite the complications between them at the moment, she found it nearly impossible to focus on anything else right now other than his proximity and the touch of his hands, and this time his eyes upon her bare flesh. He moved lower, stopping only when the last closure was undone as he reached the small of her back. The parted gown slid from her shoulders and Rose caught it in front at her chest, clutching it to her to keep the upper half from falling away completely. The sonic was switched on, and Rose felt a warm tingling as he began methodically running the soothing beam over her bruised skin.
The Doctor felt a tightness in the pit of his stomach clamp down hard as he surveyed her injuries. Life itself was so very, very fragile. He could have so easily lost her this very night. A mere second more, a few inches closer with the dagger and Rose would have been gone. She would have been dead. He wouldn't have been healing her bruises right now; he would have been holding her lifeless body in his arms with nothing that could have been done to bring her back to him.
And she would have never known.
Rose would have died having never truly known the man for whom she had given up her life on Earth to be with. She had asked to know more about him, for him to let her in, even just a little. He had denied her this because he didn't want to face those darkest of things, and he was afraid that if she knew then she would turn away in horror. He could not bear the thought of losing her. Yet he could still lose her – so, so easily in countless ways, and he would have never had the courage to tell her the truth about himself. She deserved the truth. She deserved that much, if he could give her nothing more.
His fingers lightly brushed over a patch of smooth pink skin where the bruising was fading beneath the sonic's treatment.
Rose shivered as he touched her, all of her awareness concentrated on this one point of contact, but she then became focused on his voice as he spoke, so soft that it would have been undetectable if he hadn't been so close.
His voice cracked as he uttered a single word he had yet to share with her. A word that tore open deep, ugly wounds that had never and would never fully heal. "Gallifrey."
Rose felt another shiver course through her, and an aching tug deep inside. Something about that one word resonated within her, but she didn't know why. It was like the song that had filled her as the power of Time had once flowed through her being, but the words were now elusive to her.
"That was the name of my planet. My home." His voice was thick with emotion as he continued. "Oh, I wish you could have seen it, Rose, that old planet. The sky...just the sky alone was breathtaking. I see glimpses of it sometimes looking out across a fiery sunset. It was a burnt orange, and beneath that vibrant sky was the Citadel enclosed in a mighty glass dome, shining under the twin suns. Beyond that, the mountains would go on for an eternity – slopes of deep red grass, capped with gleaming, spotless snow." The Doctor drew a shaking breath as he fought back anguished tears, his voice trembling. "The second sun would rise in the south, and the mountains would shine, glorious and radiant. The leaves on the trees were silver, and when they caught the light every morning, it looked like a forest on fire. Then when the autumn came, the breeze would blow through the branches like a song..."
Rose closed her eyes as the image filled her mind. She could see it. She could see it and she nearly wept for his unimaginable loss. But she forcibly swallowed down the lump in her throat and remained silent in this solemn moment as he shared this part of himself with her he had kept shielded for so long, buried under painful scars.
"It was...Rose, it was beautiful. So beautiful. It used to be called the Shining World of the Seven Systems. And on the Continent of Wild Endeavour, in the Mountains of Solace and Solitude, there stood the Citadel of the Time Lords. The oldest and most mighty race in the universe, looking down on the galaxies below."
The Doctor continued healing her bruises even as his own wounds were opened and gaping. His hand left her back, feeling unworthy to touch her, to taint her with the blood on his hands as he continued speaking, his broken voice now growing dark. "And it burned. We fought a war for the sake of all creation and lost. Gallifrey burned and fell. And everyone...everyone died. Every last one but me. I've told you I was the only one left. But I'm not the only survivor because of some grand stroke of luck. I'm the only one who survived because I'm the one who ended the War by...by killing everyone else. I did. I killed them all, Rose. Me. Every last one of my people, wiped out of existence. Maybe I don't bear the responsibility for the entire universe...," Rose could hear him swallow hard as he paused, his voice cracking. "But I am the one responsible for the death of multitudes, for the lives I've taken. That is who I am, Rose."
He switched off the sonic and lowered it. His hand fell to his lap and his gaze rested there, blankly, his eyes hollow.
Rose tugged the sleeves of her gown back up her shoulders and turned to the side to face him, though he would not look at her. What he had told her had not come as a shock. She knew his guilt and pain over the War ran inconceivably deep. She could scarcely imagine how one person could carry such a burden of pain and survive. She also knew whatever actions he took were done because he had no other choice.
She may never be able to remove his guilt or his pain. She could never give him back his world or his people. But she could give him the forgiveness that he could never give himself. "And now you think I'll hate you because of this. You think I'll see you as some sort of monster, a merciless killer."
"Don't you?" he questioned bitterly.
Rose placed her hand over his. He tried to pull away but she held him, curling her fingers around his. "No. I don't see you that way because that is not who you are."
His voice shook. "Rose, I've just told you that I..."
"That you did what had to be done. You made a choice no one should ever have to make. But tell me just one more thing. If you hadn't ended the War, Doctor, if you hadn't stopped it as you had, would everyone have lived?"
He fought against the answer but he knew it was true. He had known it then, which was why he was left with no other option. "No."
"No," she repeated. "You did what you did not to take lives, but to save as many lives as possible because that is who you are. You said it was a War for the sake of all creation, and all creation is still living because you brought the War to an end in the only way that was possible." Rose placed her second hand over the first, dipping her head to catch his downcast eyes. "Do you really think I could hate you for that? Do you really think that I should?"
He looked into her eyes then, his own shining with unshed tears. "You should." His chin quivered as a broken smile tried to form. How could she not see him as he saw himself? This was one of the wondrous things about her he would never fully grasp. "But when have you ever done what you should, Rose Tyler? You should have lived a fantastic life on Earth, safe and sound where I had sent you after Satellite Five to keep you protected. You should have just let the TARDIS collect dust as the world moved on." He shook his head in wonder. "But you didn't. You didn't do any of those things, even if you should have. Even if you should have left me long ago."
They stared at each other in silence for the span of several heartbeats. The Doctor despised himself for his actions in the War and couldn't comprehend that anyone else would not feel that same way towards him once they knew. How could anyone not? If Rose had knowingly killed every single person on the face of the Earth, could he ever look at her without seeing the Bringer of Death? Yet that's what he was. The Killer of His Own Kind. He had so feared that Rose would turn from him the day she truly knew. Yet here she was, saving him again. The Doctor squeezed her hand in his, hardly believing she was still here and had not turned away.
Yet for Rose, this had never and would never even be a consideration. The Doctor believed he deserved for her to leave him, and Rose could see in his eyes the disbelief that she hadn't. He really could be so thick sometimes. Rose breathed out a small laugh, a watery sound as tears splashed down her cheeks. "Oh, you daft alien. I made my choice a long time ago, and I'm never gonna leave you. It's time you finally believed that."
Rose pulled her hands from his and brought her arms around him, holding him tight. The Doctor's arms came up around her a second later, pulling her closer. He buried his face in the side of her hair, squeezing his eyes shut. He shuddered against her as he breathed out an uneven breath. The Doctor felt a flood of words rising up and wanting to spill over. There was so much more he wanted to say to her, but he didn't even know where or how to begin. 'Thank you' just didn't seem to be nearly enough, and the other words rising up, the ones he had kept silenced for so long, were as terrifying to him as the things he had just revealed had been, in some ways even more so. He didn't even have the voice to speak at the moment. And so he just held her, hoping that if he could just hold on tight enough her promise would be true and he would not lose her as he had everyone else.
One hand rested at the base of her neck and the other swept up her back, gripping her shoulder as he held tightly. He felt Rose shiver beneath him and then registered that she was still uncovered in the back, her gown gaping open. He eased back a little, his hands still on her bare skin. The urge to have her closer – to feel more of her flesh upon his and confirm that she was here, she was real and she was alive – was so strong in this moment that if he didn't rein himself in...
"I..." His voice was hoarse, so he cleared his throat and spoke again. "Here, let me..." His words trailed off as he pulled her gown together for her at the back.
Rose swallowed down hard and nodded slightly. She shifted around and turned her back to him, brushing her hair aside and out of the way. His hand skimmed down her spine as he reached the lowest lace and took it between his fingers. She couldn't suppress the tremor that ran through her from his touch upon her skin as he began to re-bind the laces. He was re-establishing distance between them even as each brush of his fingertips was one of the most intimate. Both were thrumming with charged emotion that had their thoughts in a whirlwind, but Rose had never been more clear on what she wanted – what she needed; and distance between them was not it. Not now. Not after all of this.
The silence between them was heavy and intense, and the single phrase Rose longed to speak was repeating through her mind again and again until it was ringing in her ears and drowning out all other sound, all other thought. This would forever change where they stood, but as far as Rose was concerned that had already happened the moment they had been declared husband and wife.
She had to say it.
These words had been suppressed for so long because they were too difficult to speak due to complications and crossing lines and a dozen other reasons that now seemed like nothing more than utter rubbish at best. Suddenly not speaking them was far more difficult than letting them free.
Though they came out as a hushed whisper, they were of the most powerful words ever uttered from one to another. "Doctor, I love you."