Here we go again…
BARBARA POV 5
I can't believe Bruce thinks I'll make a good partner. I can barely take care of myself let alone Dick from the sidelines at that. And Dick seemed really unenthused about the whole deal, he must truly be over me already. But in all fairness, I don't even want to take care of myself, why would he want to take care of me?
I take the bus back to my lonely apartment with Susan, today is her last day, She found a different job with another cripple. I guess I'm glad for her. It'll be easier to disappear quietly without her constantly wanting me to socialize with people.
I go up the elevator with Susan for hopefully the last time, and once I'm in my apartment she is gone for good. All she got was a "thanks so much" and a slam in the face. I'm sure she hated me and is glad to be gone. I wheel myself over to the couch and lift myself over to it and turn on cartoons, but I don't really watch them.
I pick up my phone and do something I rarely do now, text Dick. "Hey so… do you want me to be your partner?" It's dark out, he is probably busy enjoying his last night as Nightwing. I don't expect a reply, but I get one anyway.
"Like I always said, no one could replace you Babs. If you're in I am. I just want you to be careful." I cringe when he says that. He never had to tell me stuff like that before all of this, and now I have to be careful everywhere I go.
"Yeah I know. Well… if you're cool with it, I'll do it."
"Alright Barbara, I'll tell Bruce tonight. See you tomorrow at say, 8pm?"
"Yeah, that'll work." I put my phone away and stare at the ceiling. I wonder if this will throw a wrench in my suicide plan? There I go again, I feel like I'm afraid to be happy again. Like if I get to content this way, something worse will happen so I should just stay down. I don't know if that is healthy or not.
THE NEXT DAY AT 8:30PM
I arrive at Wayne manor frazzled and half an hour late. I haven't replied to Bruce or Dick's calls or texts because I know they'd offer to come get me. It takes twice as long to do anything when you can't walk. I finally ring the doorbell and Alfred answers. "Oh, thank goodness you're here safely Miss Gordon." He wants to take my coat, I can tell, but he is unsure how to go about it with the chair in the way. I just shrug it off and hand it to him. "Thank you."
He takes it away with him and I roll towards the entrance to the Batcave. I take the rickety shaft that Bruce likes to call the elevator and end up downstairs. They both seem to let out sighs of relief when I come in, I wish people didn't have to worry about me.
Bruce smiles and I try again to smile back, but it never comes. Dick notices. I used to smile a lot, now I barely look up. "Glad you made it Barbara, you know how to do everything, Dick is about to head out, use this headset to communicate with him. And same goes for you Dick." He smiles again, he must be excited to no longer be Batman. He goes up the stairs, leaving dick and I alone.
"Well, I guess we better start. I'm just going to be patrolling tonight, if anything happens I'll contact you, same goes for you contacting me." He is no longer the Dick I dated and loved, he is putting on a strong mask to hide that this is super awkward for him to.
"Yeah, okay. Anything you need me to be looking out for, or need to look up for you." He thinks for a moment before responding.
"Nope, I think we're okay." He smiles and then jumps in the Batmobile and leaves. It's weird seeing him in the cape and cowl. I sit back, and it hits me that I am of absolutely no use, Bruce did this to make me feel better, not because Dick needs a partner… I type my name into the system, Bruce hasn't updated it yet, next to a picture of me and another picture of me as batgirl, It still reads:
Barbara Gordan, AKA Batgirl
Age: 22
Skills and Description: Red hair, thin, muscular build, green eyes. Superior flips and jumps, flies from building to building with ease. Able to hide well in dark shadows, and is currently partner to long time boyfriend Richard Grayson AKA Nightwing. Very fast, agile, and strong. Well trained in martial arts and in disappearing quickly.
I change a few things, I delete the photo of batgirl, she is no more. I get rid of my AKA. I change my skills and description to: Red hair, thin, green eyes. Sits in the Batcave and watches from the sidelines. Is never needed. Severely depressed and alone.
I click enter and save it there. Under accomplishments I delete all the villains I've defeated, everything I ever did while training under Bruce, and I replace it with "Got shot in the back and stopped doing anything. Bruce now uses her as his charity case out of guilt. Dick humors him." I save again then sit back and twiddle my thumbs. Dick doesn't need me. And that thought stings at my eyes, reassured by reading over my new bio I lose it and burst into tears, removing my headset so Dick wont accidentally hear me.
I am nothing anymore, just another pity party.
A FEW HOURS AFTER THAT I SUPPOSE
I get gently shaken awake by dick, some first night on the job, I took off the headset and fell asleep. "Hey sleepy head, what if I had needed something?" He smiles at his own wit and I grimace back.
"Sorry, I fell asleep." I quickly exit out of my new profile, praying that Dick didn't read it, he probably didn't, he isn't much for technology most days. Not for profiles with no pictures anyway.
"Do you need a lift home?" He seems sincere, but the last thing I want to do is remind him of why he left me in the first place.
"I can take the bus, or crash here, it's getting late. You go on home, I'll see you again same time tomorrow night." I try to smile, but I feel like my face is breaking in half. I wish it didn't hurt to be happy. I wish it came naturally like it used to.
"I don't want you to take the bus, it's 3am. Just let me drive, I don't mind, seriously." I nod almost defeated.
"I just don't want you to have to carry me into the car then get my chair to fit, then carry me back into my chair. It's to much trouble."
He nods and then smiles his charming smile, "It is a lot of work, but I wouldn't have offered if I wasn't up to it."
"I just-" he cuts me off again.
"I insist" I nod of and I start rolling towards the elevator. He gets on with me, I think he can tell I'm getting exhausted with pushing myself around. The muscles in my arms keep shaking. "Why don't you get an electric chair, Babs?"
I ponder the right words to say, then give up because I'm half asleep. I'll just be blunt. "Because, I feel like if I just sit on my ass and steer a chair all day I'll become some lazy fat ass, and then absolutely no one will want me." He seems slightly stunned by what I said then he sighs and we move on. I try to ignore the blatant obvious fact that he didn't defend my worth at all. I really am nothing.
We walk out onto the lawn and towards Bruce's many garages where he parks his expensive cars. Dick has a black Mustang, push to start. I used to have one in baby blue, but I gave it to my dad, and he traded it for something more his type. I miss driving, it was always one of my favorite things to do. We get to his car and I get onto the passenger side. He opens the door.
"So do you want me to help, or do you have this covered." I look up at him with sad eyes. I hate this. I should have taken the bus, or stayed at Bruce's.
"There is nothing to hold onto, I'm going to need help." I look down at my feet.
"Alright, so just, pick you up?" He seems awkward, but almost excited to help. Maybe he likes being so much better than me, I don't know. I know it's not love.
"Yeah, but if you don't want to you shouldn't. I'll just go back up to Wayne manor and crash there… like I said, it's a lot of trouble." I just keep looking at my shoes. My left lace is about to come undone, that'll be a pain in the ass to fix.
"It's not a problem, Babs, I promise." He scoops me up into his arms and cradles me against his chest. He seems to hold me there longer than he has to, but it's probably my imagination. I smile for the first time since all of this started. But the happiness has to end at some point. He puts me into my seat and I do my buckle. He puts my chair in the back of the car, and then hops in the drivers side and starts the car.
As we're driving I watch out the window, everything speeding by, faster than I'll ever move again. And it felt so nice being in his arms, it made me feel like I could dance. Too soon we're at the lonely empty apartment that we used to share and now I live in alone. I don't even know what his new place looks like.
He stops on the sidewalk and pulls out and unfolds my chair. Then he opens my door and picks me up again. It doesn't feel the same as the first time, at least not for him, I can tell. It's much faster, less slow and thoughtful. He must have just been being careful with me before. Right as I'm about to head in without a word he speaks up, "Maybe want some company for a bit. May as well stay up all night, it's your job again, you're back to being nocturnal."
I nod and he flows me up the ramp. My arms are quaking like jello, I don't even know if I'll be able to make it into the elevator and onto my floor. I push myself along, hissing with the pain in my arms. Finally I give, I'm no wonder woman. "Dick, mind pushing me?"
"I thought you'd never ask." He replies. I almost smile again.
DICK POV 6
God this place looks like hell. Barbara just opened the door and I can tell I'm not going to like this much. The first thing I notice is that it doesn't smell like Barbara. It smells of a thick fabreeze scent. It almost makes me gag. All of the pictures on the walls are missing, like someone disposed of useless garbage. Those were important pictures… 5 years of our relationship was on these walls. So I guess in a way I don't blame her at all. We move down the hall and into what used to be our living room/ dining room combo. The table is gone and is replaced with a small weight set. I suppose that is for her therapy. I look around even more and notice a squished pillow and a wrinkled comforter tossed on the couch. It makes me sad to realize that this is her bed now. She should be in our old bed all comfortable and rested. Most of the furniture is missing too… it's odd, but it makes sense because its only the chairs without armrests that are gone. This stuff is all fine and dandy but the thing that really gets to me is that there are curtains. Barbara NEVER liked curtains. She was big on the whole "natural light" thing. It brought a healthy glow to the home and I'll tell you, this isn't healthy anymore. I'm down right concerned.
"Babs…Do you even like it here anymore?" I move towards the couch and take a seat.
"Well I don't know. It's where I sleep but I don't really think its home. I don't think I could have a home." She gets this sad look on her face and starts rubbing the undersides of her right thigh. That's right, she needs to have her legs rubbed to keep the circulation good. I wonder if shed let me help…
"Of course you can have a home. Everyone needs a home." Before she can say anything I scoop her up and move her onto the couch, with her resting against the pillow. I move my hands to the leg she was rubbing and continue the work. She gasps lightly as the sudden movement and instantly regains herself.
"I can't have a home. I've accepted that I'd never be comfortable again; I'll always have to rely on someone. And you don't have to rub those; they're fine.
"I want to though. I want you to be comfortable. Plus I like rubbing them. It makes me feel useful." I can't help but give her a playful smile.
"Well as long as I'm helping I suppose. I'm not comfortable though, I hate the curtains that bitch put up, but she insisted it was to light. And I can't get them down. And I don't have any furniture. I have no money to get anything, and I wont ask Bruce because he's already paying my rent." She suddenly bursts out in a squeaky voice. I can see small tears falling from her eyes and something in me just doesn't like that. I move my hand to her face and cradle it there in my palm. My thumb moves and wipes the falling tears away as best as it can.
"Would you be mad if I wanted to help? I can take those curtains down and I have some furniture I'm not using."
"I don't want your furniture Dick. It's part of your home. I'll figure it out." Fresh tears spring to her eyes again and she sobs lightly. "I'll get a disability check in the mail in a week."
I do the only thing I can do and I pull her to my chest and hold her there. "It's okay Babs. I'm right here." She sobs heavily in my arms and I don't know whether she likes me being here or not anymore.
"I'm sorry. I know you didn't want to deal with this. You can go home, I'm not asking you to stay. I don't even want to take care of myself, why would you?"
Her words sting harder than I thought they would but I've had worse, right?
"Because even after 5 years of a committed relationship I care about you. I want to help you. You mean more than you know to me." I can practically feel tears of my own forming in my eyes.
"Then yes, please take down the curtains." Her eyes had widened with surprise for a brief moment before they were clouded up with sadness. She doesn't believe me… My heart just sinks to the bottom of my stomach and I don't honestly know what to do.
"Alright. So I'm taking those curtains off and if its okay with you I want to rub your sore legs until they are better. I'd like to stay the night to. I'll even shack up in the chair." I don't think I can recover from this one.
"Alright…I'll go get you a blanket." She moves back onto her chair quickly and leaves for just a few moments. It's long enough for me to practically beat myself up right there. I'm a monster. I should have never left. She comes back with a blanket that reminds me of our first times in this house. It was a gift from Bruce. It had always sat on our bed… I wonder where she has kept it lately.
"Thank you Babs…"
Okay, yeah I know a fluffy chapter, but sometimes that is needed please review