Cursed to Relive

Chapter 2

Coping With Reality

Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, nor do I own the Harry Potter Series.

'So...what now?' Severus asked himself, ignoring his hunger as he sat on one of the swings, watching the sun slowly sink below the horizon. He had awoken some time ago from his faint, and now he had to deal with whatever had happened to him. He had all but stripped himself starkers in his efforts to assure himself of the fact that he was in his nine year-old body again.

Indeed, it seemed to be the case that he was alive, alive and nine once again. But he was having a very difficult time believing that this was happening. Questions echoed throughout his mind, which even with his long experience at dealing with things going wrong was having difficulty with the situation.

It just didn't make sense. Was it even real? Or just some cruelly-mocking, nightmarish reality crafted by the Dark Lord? And what could have possibly caused it to happen anyway? 'Even if it were true, how could any of this be real? Aren't I supposed to be dead?'

Severus thought it over carefully, putting his finely-honed mind to work on the problem, but in the end he couldn't decide what was going on for certain. Still, it probably didn't matter why this was happening, considering that what was going on was so much more important. Regardless of what had caused this to happen, or even what 'this' was, he had no choice but to deal with it. Still, it was quite annoying that he was so weak, lacking a wand at all...

'Not that a wand would help me much.' he thought to himself bitterly.

Unsure of what else to do, he eventually decided to do what he would have done if he were truly nine years-old: walking back home for supper. Luckily, his parents probably wouldn't be too concerned at how late he was, as they had more important things to worry about. 'Such as Mum's stupid programs and father's beer.'

Regardless, he could use the time spent walking home to think some more...think and plan out how he would deal with this. Severus was a survivor, and he had a great deal of knowledge of magic even if he couldn't cast anything. If this were some hellish plane of torment courtesy of the Dark Lord, then there would be signs of it from the moment that Severus got home, he was sure. It was extremely difficult to create a world, even a false one...

'OK,' Severus thought to himself as he passed through part of the slums on his way home. 'Assuming that this is real, what are the first things I need to worry about? What happened when I was nine that I should really watch for...?'He then frowned, reminded of his counterpart's originally-planned meeting with Lily. 'Apart from the obvious, that is. I'll get to Lily later.'

Indeed, although Severus had sometimes idly thought about what he would do if he had gotten the chance to relive his life...it was far easier to do so when he wasn't actually living it. Talking to Lily again was something he wasn't ready to do, not yet anyway.

Unfortunately for his planning though, apart from the bittersweet memories of the girl who had stolen his heart when he was nine, Severus had spent years trying to forget his childhood and move beyond it. He hadn't thought about it in years, as it just made him jealous of the students that he been forced to teach; they had had families that cared about him when he didn't. As such, he couldn't remember much that had happened from his childhood...apart from the generalities.

The unpainted front door to his house suddenly before him, Severus quickly brought his thoughts back from his musings of the future; as usual, he didn't have time to worry about it. Right then, he had to pretend to be 'himself' for his family. It wasn't a hard choice. After all, he could always tell them the truth later if it proved necessary, but revealing his secret now couldn't be undone.

Swallowing, he opened the door, only to find his father standing there.

As he had been in Severus' original childhood, Tobias Snape was a well-built, muscular sort of man, filling up the space between the door and the cheerless grey walls. His dark brown hair was cut short in contrast to Severus' own, and his dark eyes looked down on his son like he was some sort of bug. Severus had always hated how his father was the good-looking one of the family, thanks to his rugged sort of handsomeness, a giant bear of a man in contrast to his bat-like son. 'At least whatever is happening is realistic so far...'

His clothes filthy and sweat-stained after a long day's work, Tobias snorted at Severus and muttered, "It's about time you got back; yer mum was starting to wonder where you were. Now go and grab some soup. It's half past seven and the grub's cold, ya silly goose. Now, I 'ave to cut apart that blasted tree so it ain't blockin' our driveway anymore, so git out of the way."

Nodding in relief as his father didn't seem to notice anything different about him, not that Snape family patriarch had ever paid much attention to his son to begin with, Severus squeezed past the man and walked inside.

Suddenly realizing just how hungry he was, he walked quickly towards the kitchen, grabbed a chipped bowl and filled it up with cold potato soup, not even bothering to get a spoon before he sipped at the tasteless brew. Forcing it down, already missing the food provided by the Hogwarts house-elves, Severus decided to simply observe for a bit. After all, he had to get his bearings back. 'Besides, the devil's in the details; if this is just a magically crafted illusion, there will probably be some signs easily visible...'

Noticing his mother giving him a small nod of acknowledgment as he walked into the living room, Severus gave her a return nod, after which she returned her attention to her television program. He sighed upon seeing this; Eileen Snape had pretty much given up on life long before he turned nine, the only thing that the sad, pale woman cared about being the soap operas she watched on the telly or listened to on the radio. 'Probably because it allows her to escape from her own nightmares...'

Already, her thin, sallow-skinned body showed many signs of neglect, easily visible under the ugly brown house-dress she was wearing even as she laid on top of the ratty grey couch; her long, dark hair was stringy and unkempt, while her skin all but hung off of her bones.

Suddenly his thoughts were broken by his mother's voice, which chuckled dryly as she said, "I didn't know that Martin's love triangle with Angela and Maria was so interesting to a nine-year-old, but if you're that interested..." She patted the seat next to her, shifting so that she was sitting instead of laying on the couch, leaving enough room for his child's body to squeeze into.

Not having anything better to do, especially as it had been more than twenty years since he had seen the woman, Severus sat beside the woman and turned his attention to the telly. Severus frowned upon seeing the romantic comedy, never having been particularly interested in watching the things...but it was an opportunity to observe his mother for 'errors' anyway, and so he stayed where he was.

Severus then smirked faintly at another thought: as annoying as it was, it was a far less onerous task than many he had undertaken in his life.

At least, that's how it seemed until he had discovered the actual plot of the program...

"So girls, how was your day? Did you have a lot of fun down by the playground?" Richard Evans asked from behind his magazine, a grin just barely visible over the glossy cover. Lily wondered for a second if he would read it to her if she asked, as it had to be a very interesting magazine to make him smile so broadly. "You know that if you got dirt on your cloths again, your mum's going to pitch a fit, just like she did last time..."

"Richard!" The red-headed mother interrupted, her face almost matching her hair as she told off her husband. "You know how I don't like you exaggerating like that in front of the girls!" After a quick glare at her husband, she then turned to Petunia and Lily with a smile. "Now girls, did you have a nice day?"

"Yes mum." Petunia piped up importantly. "We went to the playground, just like dad said, then swung on the swings for a while before heading home. We didn't even get any dirt on our clothes, not one bit!"

Marigold Evans smiled, before turning and looking triumphantly over at her husband for a few moments. Still, she returned her focus to her daughters as she continued speaking to them. "Well, that's nice, Petunia. I'm glad to see that the two of you had a good day, although I wouldn't have minded much even if you HAD gotten dirt on your clothes. Now, I assume that my two clever little girls are getting hungry..." She then glanced at Richard, tsking at his rather large pot-belly. "Richard can go without for a meal. That's for sure..."

"But Mari'..."

Even as their father began to protest though, their mother had already started serving up the food--even including a portion for her husband when he had promised not to tease her again.

However, as they sat down to a dinner of homemade beef soup though, Petunia was looking pensively in her mother's direction, almost shamefully. It was probably because of how Lily had broke mum's rules again, something that honestly bothered her sister a lot more than it did Lily. She just couldn't see the harm in doing 'it', but Mum said that it wasn't something that 'good girls' should do...

Lily didn't know why, but it was probably something that grown-ups like mum thought was important, just like how mum cared so much about having the perfect hedgerows. 'I'll bet that dad spends more time on those silly hedges than he does at his work! Mum really is silly sometimes...'

Giggling a bit, Lily tucked into her food quickly, but she couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt when Petunia looked at her in such a forlorn way...

"Severus, are you sure that you don't want to keep watching with me? The next one looks really exciting!" Eileen's voice was livelier than Severus remembered it being, almost eager. It was rather disconcerting for Severus to be honest, as generally she had been a quiet woman...although he had never had the nerve to ask her about her chick flicks or soap operas in his past life; maybe that was the reason.

Besides, he had gathered enough information for the night already, and his nine-year-old body was getting quite tired. "I'm sure, mother! I'll just head to bed, if that's alright with you."

"Well, if you're sure..." The excitement faded in in his mum's voice as she trailed off, causing Severus to feel a touch of guilt as he walked up the stairs. He hadn't really been all that close to the woman in his past life after all. As such, after a few moments of thought, he called back.

"Maybe tomorrow? Perhaps-"

However, his father's voice interrupted, shouting in annoyance, "Won't the two of you keep it DOWN! I get enough trouble at the mill each day, so I don't need any when I'm tryin' to relax! An' no son of mine is going to be raised, listening to any of that swill you call 'entertainment'! I ain't raising no poofter, even if he can't stop from bein' a freak!"

"Tobias, it's alright if he wants to..." Eileen started to plead, only to cause her husband to redden with anger. Seeing this, Severus quickly rushed to his room. He had learned long ago to avoid the 'happy couple's' arguments; even after so many years, his body remembered to run when the yelling started.

Climbing onto the bed, Severus covered his ears with his pillow so he wouldn't have to listen to his father's shouting at his wife, which could easily last for an hour or more on nights like this. Severus cursed his present state of weakness once more. Still, he knew better than to bother thinking about his parents' arguments... Severus shivered slightly as his small, tired child's body laid down on his slowly-yellowing white sheets. Even after so many years, he did his best not to think about them.

Luckily, he was too distracted by what had happened during that blasted movie...

The storyline had hit Severus far too close to home for his comfort, as it had included a love triangle consisting of three teens: a boy, his female best friend, and the girl that had bullied the best friend, only to 'reform' and change her ways, winning the boy in the end. It was far too easy to relate the story to his own past, or perhaps future depending on point of view. He had heard that unrequited love could be very painful, but he was quite certain that few had been as painful as his had, so things that reminded Severus of it tended to provoke passionate responses--Harry Potter being a prime example.

Even in that romantic comedy, while the girl had lost the guy she had loved, at least she had still been friends with him. She had managed to stay the best friend even after the end of the film, even though Severus could tell that she had still been badly hurt, something which far outmatched Severus' fate... 'Although I seriously doubt that she was the reason for his death...'

That thought even now caused Severus to wince slightly in remembrance. Even though it had been nearly two decades since the event and he had done his best to repay his debt to her, he was still endlessly reminded of how small a repayment it had been to what he had done. What repayment could possibly match being the cause of her death?

Still, maybe this was a chance to make a true repayment for his immense debt to her. At least this time he could prevent Lily from dying, if this truly was a second chance instead of the probable nightmare... 'But what then? What would come after?'

Severus got up slowly as he pondered this, looking at his childish face's reflection in the dirty window beside him, then sighing. Indeed, that then was a very important question. What would he do if he did save Lily?

Sure, Severus could make sure that Voldemort never learned of the prophecy, perhaps keep Lily as a friend if he hid his past from her, but...that was it, really. She'd never forgive him for what she had done, not if she knew what he had done during his past life. What he had done for her son was good and all, but he wasn't even close to making it up to her...

He shook his head, clearing it of those depressing thoughts. Letting himself fall back onto the bed, he reminded himself of the fact that even if he had made mistake after foolish mistake in his life, he now had a second chance to do things right. 'Assuming that this isn't just some hellish mirage and really is a chance to relive my life, of course-'

Severus smiled a little at the thought. Yes, this could his second chance, a second chance to be friends with Lily, to try to save the world that he had nearly destroyed in an angry teenager's self-destructive desires, to...watch her fall for Potter all over again...

His smile faded, and he barely bit back a snarl.

Lily might be his one, true love, but he wasn't and would never be hers...

"Hello, nice to meet you. I'm Lily Evans." Lily forced a smile as she met her sister's new friend, a big blond boy with a mean little face and squinting little green eyes, wearing faded blue jeans and a red-striped t-shirt. He was from Petunia's class, apparently a new boy, and Lily disliked him already. She could already tell that he was bad news, what with how the boy acted as if she was just a stupid little girl, a look that some of Petunia's new, older, better friends seemed to all share.

For several seconds, she waited for him to reply, but there was only silence. Feeling her eyes narrowing as the boy ignored her, not even bothering to glance in her direction, Lily repeated herself in a louder volume, "I said, my name's Lily Evans!"

"Yup, she's my little sister. Isn't she just the cutest little thing!?" Petunia chirped as she smiled sunnily at the boy, causing Lily to bite back a growl of annoyance. She so hated being called 'little'; she was almost ten after all! Just because Petunia was two years younger didn't give her the right to call her little!

Meanwhile, the boy gave Lily a quick glare, before muttering, "Jeremy Tibbit." He then turned to Petunia, blushed slightly, then said in a long-suffering tone of voice, "Can we go now, Petunia? It's boring."

Lily mumbled aloud, too quietly for him to hear, glaring at the irksome Mr. Tibbit as she did so, "Would be a lot less boring without you around..."

Petunia must have caught it though, as she gave Lily a short glare as she said, face going slightly pink, "Don't worry, Jeremy, I'll be ready in just a minute. Just let me freshen up a little!" Giggling slightly as he nodded, Petunia then ran upstairs, leaving silence behind her.

Several minutes passed, during which Lily occupied herself by trying to see just how heatedly she could glare at the annoying brat that her sister wanted the to hang out with the two of them. However, that quickly became boring; besides, Petunia seemed to like this moron, so she finally said half-heartedly, "Well, if the three of us are having ice cream together-"

"'We'?" The boy interrupted rudely, crossing his arms. "Nuh-uh, just Petunia and I are having ice cream. Little brats like you aren't allowed!"

"Why you-" Lily was about to tell the little boy off, but Petunia had already come rushing downstairs, purse in hand and a bit of gloss shimmering on her smiling lips. Stopping herself, Lily instead asked pleadingly, "Tuney, aren't I coming to get ice cream with you and Jeremy!? Tell him I am...!"

However, Petunia just gave her a pitying little look, before whispering, "Sorry Lily, I told him it would be just the two of us, so I can't..."

Devastated, Lily turned her hopes onto her mother, who had just entered the room. "Mum! Please make Tuney let me go get ice cream with her!"

"Mother!" Petunia sounded scandalized, glaring at Lily with a hurt look on her face.

However, she needn't have worried, as Marigold gave Lily a stern look before saying, "Lily, you know as well as I do that you can't go out for ice cream on a school night with the marks you have, ESPECIALLY without your sister's permission."

"Aw..." Lily pouted, but she knew that her mother was right. Still, she really, REALLY wanted to go! "Tuney..."

"No, Lily..."

Petunia then left with her new friend, giving Lily another glare as she did so, while Jeremy smirked triumphantly. Lily wanted to roll up her sleeves and gave that prat a slap on his squinty-eyed little face, but she restrained herself. It would just make Petunia mad, not something she wanted to do if she wanted to go out with her sister in the future.

Once the two other children were out of earshot, Marigold spoke in a quiet but firm tone of voice, putting her hand on Lily's shoulder as she scolded her, "Lily, you know that you aren't in charge of your sister. She can hang out with Jeremy on her own if she wants to, provided she is back in time and keeps her marks up." Her tone then turned a little more worried. "Besides...a little bird told me that you did it again. You know you're not supposed to."

Lily rolled her eyes; her mother could be such a nag about Lily's...ability. 'It's not like it ever hurt anybody, right? So why is it such a big deal to her?'

"Lily..." Her mother said warningly.

"Fine mother." Lily sighed huffily, but she soon smiled as her mother gave her an affectionate little squeeze.

"That's my girl..."

Author's Note: Lily's mother's actions may seem odd to many readers, but in canon prior to when Severus met Lily, Petunia repeatedly said that her mother said that Lily shouldn't do 'that' (magic).

As for Severus, well, I'll let the upcoming chapters explain his actions, especially why having a wand wouldn't be such a help for him. It'll be a few chapters before he and Lily meet again though. This is probably going to be a long fic, assuming that I don't abandon it or something.