I will admit it; Marco was right. He's always right about stuff like that, and he has known me for too long for me to pretend otherwise. I came here looking for another fight, another battle, another experience that would ruin and break me, but make me feel alive enough to stop remembering.
In a sick, twisted, wrong way, I am jealous of Rachel. She got to go out in the final battle. She didn't live to see victory, but it was in sight, and she thought that her death was contributing to that victory. It turned out to be pointless, but she didn't know that. She didn't know how much I had messed up. And she didn't have to stay behind and deal with the aftermath. She didn't have to see the utter shame in Cassie's eyes. She didn't have to look at the parents mourning their sons and daughters and the others mourning their friends, human, Andalite, Hork-Bajir, Taxxon, and yes, even Yeerk. She didn't have to hear the world thanking her, when all her brain can remind her of is all of the lives she needlessly took. She got out easy. It was the rest of us that had to stay.
Cassie moved on, as much as her heart could ever let her. I think she is still trying to atone, and who knows, maybe she will someday. If she does enough good, maybe she can wash her hands clean. Marco tried to ignore it, and did a decent job. He had his fame, his fortune, and his family back. For Ax, the war was a stepping stone, raising him up higher than he ever could have been before. They all had more than they did when the war started.
Tobias' has suffered, so much. She was his only link to reality, and I broke it. I don't think he really felt the other deaths, because he was so enveloped in memories of her. At least they can be together now.
But me? I've just been fading, fading for years. No more enemies to fight, no more comrades to look out for, no more wars to win, lose, or just survive. So yes, Marco was right. I was looking for this. It is a better end then I would have ever gotten anywhere else. Just like Rachel, my death might lead to a victory. I guess that's all an old soldier can ask.
"Ram the Blade Ship!"