16. The Heart's Choice

The world around Susan swirled round and round like a ferris wheel under water. The sensation created a vacuum around her heart and her chest constricted by each breath of air she attempted to take. She could only compare it to the sensation you have when you remain beneath the surface so long that it feels as if your chest is going to implode.

For a second there was nothing else on Susan's mind but the hysteria which slowly crept upon her for each breath she could not take. Somewhere far away she thought she heard echoes of a man's voice, but it was so weak she couldn't be entirely certain of anything.

Then, without warning, everything stopped abruptly. The world stopped turning, the pressure against her chest seized and Susan felt she could break through the surface once more, no longer fearing her soul's implosion.

In relief she drew in a couple of deep breaths and opened her eyes slowly, as if she was a newborn doing both for the first. She had to blink a couple of times before the haze around her cleared.

What she had expected to see, from her last memories, was the gardens at Cair Paravel, the dark night sky full of sparkling stars over her head and a Calormene lord leaning over her with a glinting dagger. What she awoke to was something completely different. Up above her head was a pale, wooden roof. She frowned to herself and quickly turned her head around to understand her peculiar whereabouts. Where in Narnia could this be?

She was lying atop of a hard bed in a small bedroom with pale, naked walls. Outside the window she distantly heard the sound of cars passing by on the road while honking fervently to one another. The photograph of herself and her siblings that stood neatly on the nightstand beside the bed was another piece of the puzzle. Susan didn't need to think about it twice. This wasn't Narnia.

The young woman once more felt her heart constrict in pain, as if someone was clenching it tight in their fist wishing to crush it entirely. Her breaths came shorter as Susan curled up on her side atop of the covers of the bed. Her whole body rocked as she sobbed uncontrollably.

Caspian stepped back in complete silence and watched the majestic lion approach the queen's body. Aslan had appeared out of thin air and claimed he could help her. The king trusted the lion to no end and so now gave him room to aid, though did not move too far away. When Aslan stepped towards Susan and held his great head above her serene face, the Telmarine had been unsure what to expect as he silently tried to control his shaking breaths.

From what he remembered from his books and what the Pevensie siblings had told him of the lion's powers, he believed Aslan was giving the queen the breath of life. Or at the very least, attempted to. For whatever reason, Susan did not stir at all beneath the lion's tender care.

After several more minutes in silence, Caspian knew the lion's work was to no avail. He felt an indescribable feeling fill his chest and he fell to his knees in the grass with no more power to hold him up. For all the muscles in his arms and legs, he did not have the strength for this. His entire being trembled as pain seized in his heart and his lungs heaved in shock. Words got caught in his throat, as he tried to push through the fear, "…Is she dead?"

The young king closed his eyes tight as he waited for Aslan's reply. Everything around him was quiet, as if tree and bird alike, too, wished to know the answer. When no response came, the Telmarine ran a hand across his dark hair and sank closer to the ground. In a whisper, he begged, "Please, don't let her die, Aslan. If Susan died, I don't... I couldn't..."

"I know," was the lion's simply, calm reply. Caspian opened his eyes then and gazed up at the lion, who in turn had turned from Susan to look at the king with an unreadable look on his face.

"Please…" the Telmarine whispered again. He knew his eyes betrayed all the emotions he was feeling – fear, pain, love – but he couldn't help it. Perhaps, he hoped, Aslan could bring the Gentle Queen back if he knew the true secrets of Caspian's heart.

"Susan will live, my king," the lion said at length and his deep voice conveyed assurance and belief. "But if she will come back to us is not something I can answer you at this moment in time. That is a decision she must make herself."

"I don't understand…" Caspian breathed and felt the pain in his chest subside as he allowed the lion's presence and words to comfort him. He crawled over to the fair queen and swept a lock of her hair away from her forehead as he held her close. She was still deathly pale but her skin was warmer, like thaw after a cold winter. She was very much alive.

"Thank you, Aslan," the king whispered as a smile crept across his face and a tear rolled down the tip of his nose.

"Do not thank me yet, Caspian X," the majestic leader said in return as he stood beside the couple. "You and I have much to discuss, most of it concerns the Queen and her siblings. It can wait, however, until we've taken the queen inside and made sure of her safety and comfort."

The young king merely nodded before he gathered the queen into his strong arms and rose from the ground. She felt heavy in his arms, but Caspian still felt his arms grow stronger by the mere fact she was alive and still with him. As long as she was alive, he could carry her to the end of the world if he had to in order to keep her safe.

Peter and Edmund took two steps at a time as they hurried up the grand staircase.

They didn't pause for anyone they met in the hallway, nor did they notice any of the people they ran past in their wild fear. There was but one thing on their minds. They hurried down the grand corridors until they came to a halt before the door to Susan's chamber. They wasted no time as Edmund swung the door open and ran in just ahead of his elder brother. Both of them halted abruptly upon the sight that met them, and stood there in silence as their lungs heaved from the quick run here.

The room was lit up by candles and upon the large bed by the center of one of the walls by the balcony, lay their sister's motionless body. Her complexion was paler than they'd ever seen her. Beside her on the bed sat Lucy, who's eyes were red shot from crying. On the other side of Susan, upon a chair, sat Caspian holding the queen's hand, but otherwise he portrayed no emotion on his focused face. Beside the Telmarine king stood the one both Pevensie brothers were relieved to lay eyes upon.

"Aslan!" Peter breathed as his breaths calmed down and he took a step forward. "What's going on here? We heard Susan had been injured in the gardens. How did you manage to sneak her into the palace past all the guests at the feast?"

"Never mind that," his younger brother protested and hurried over to stand by Lucy, distantly placing a hand of comfort on her shoulder. She gripped his hand in turn and squeezed it tight as silent tears fled her eyes. "How is our sister? What happened?"

"I don't know," Caspian said in a monotonous reply, but his gaze didn't leave Susan's form even as he continued, "I don't know what happened out in the gardens. All I saw was that foul beast you call a Calormene lord attack her. He stabbed her with a dagger."

"What?" the eldest Pevensie frowned from his position across the room. Shock still had such a might grip on the young man, he could not move further. "I don't understand. He said he wanted her hand in marriage. Where is the good lord, indeed, so that I may wring his neck?"

"I... accidentally killed him, Peter," the Telmarine king spoke in a low voice and betrayed some deep emotion. The other man nodded, as if giving his approval to the king's actions.

"As for your sister," Aslan spoke up in his usual calm, warm voice when the room fell silent, "she will survive this ordeal, be not afraid, young ones. I have healed her."

"Oh, thank God," Edmund exhaled relieved and sank onto the bed by Susan's feet.

"No, thank Aslan," his baby sister corrected silently.

"There is, however, something you all must know," the lion said and waited until all four pairs of eyes looked at him, before he continued, "Queen Susan is in a coma, as you sons of Adam and daughters of Eve would call it."

"Why?" Peter asked as he finally made it across the room and came to a halt by the bedpost. "I thought you healed her?"

"I have, King Peter," the lion agreed. "You must understand, however, that this time there is only so much I can do. This is now a matter of Susan's heart more than it is about her life, though I am afraid the two matters are deeply connected. Her heart has almost been lost to me once in the past, but she found her faith in both me and Narnia then. I am hoping she will return to us again."

"What do you mean?" Lucy questioned in a low and frightened voice. "I don't understand at all, Aslan."

"Your sister almost stopped believing in Narnia after your last visit here. Or rather, she almost allowed her own heart to give up on it," the majestic feline explained. "She believes in your England more than she believes in the existence of Narnia. To her, England means safety to her heart, where Narnia does not. I have saved her life, but if Susan's heart can not find a way to return to Narnia on its own free will, I am powerless."

"So… " Caspian said slowly as his mind wrapped around the problem. The words were hard to form as he was well aware the queen believed she would return to their 'England' once more, and, indeed, seemed to use it as fuel to go on. The Telmarine felt his heart constrict at the implications. "… you mean I… we could lose her even though you healed her? If she chooses to let go of Narnia… of us?"

"You are more right than you know, King Caspian."

The bearded king shook his head in disbelief and clutched Susan's hand firmly in his own larger, calloused one, as if this action alone would help her make the right choice. "We can't let her. Is there nothing you can do? Is there no way to affect her mind?"

"I will do all I can, my young king, but I cannot control free will," Aslan replied solemnly. "If she does not wish to return, Queen Susan will be lost to Narnia forever."

Susan opened her wardrobe and peeked inside the dreadful, old thing. All dresses in it were of typical English fashion and ended just below her knee. There hung no elaborate, beautifully sown Narnian gowns in there. The young woman sighed for what felt like the thousandth time in less than an hour since her return. Carelessly, she picked out a peach-dotted dress from the wardrobe, shut it and quickly got dressed.

So she was back in England once more, in her aunt's old house. Her life was back to normal, just as she had dreaded during her time in Narnia. She had returned back here – back home – without any explanation this time. Susan couldn't fully comprehend it. How had she ended up back in England when she had just been stabbed in cold blood by a Calormene lord in Narnia? She should have simply died, if no one could heal her, not be sent back to this world.

Maybe this had been Aslan's plan all along, the young woman thought to herself as she walked over to the window and looked out at the grounds below. The autumn wind blew through the branches of the apple tree just beneath her window and Susan saw one fruit fall from it's branch towards a quick doom below on the lawn. There it rested upon the ground in agony, having been separated from the other apples, never to return to their presence and lives, with only a slow rotting process to await.

Susan felt cursed. Or at the very least, a fool of fortune. Aslan had waited to send her back home until after she had begun to settle into the familiarity of the situation. Sure, she had denied herself the love she felt for the Telmarine king, but apart from that she had tried to lower her walls in order to help the same man find his way back to the path she had interrupted.

The girl felt so very silly now. She had almost managed to convince herself there for a moment… Susan shook her head. It had been so very, very silly indeed to believe she could have stayed in Narnia for as long as she wanted. That whatever words Aslan had spoken to her and Peter about them never returning to Narnia had truly changed. That they had been given another chance at a future in Narnia.

She frowned to herself. If she was back in England, did that mean Peter was to? Or had she been singled out to return as the forgotten fool? Was fate truly so cruel it would separate her from her siblings without an explanation? Was fate so cruel it would drag her away from Caspian, too, for life without even a chance to say goodbye?

The brunette shook her head. It didn't really matter whatever reason the lion had for sending her back home. She was here, and there was nothing she could do to change it. The pain in her heart would fade in time, just as it always did every time they'd been forced to return in the past. This time, Susan felt in her heart, she would truly get no other chance. She would have to leave all thoughts of Narnia behind for good. The silly world of make belief would have to be pushed out of her head until it hurt no more, until she could convince herself it had only been silly dreams of childhood.

She had been right all along, after all. Her life and future was right here, in England. Everything else had been make believe.

Back in Narnia, the night passed quickly. The banquet had ended in the wee small hours of the morning, without any of the guests aware of the queen's predicament. Caspian and Peter had decided to keep the information secret for the time being, should the unfortunate news end up in the wrong hands. The evidence of the struggle in the garden had been easily disposed of, though the Telmarine king had been surprised when no dagger or any other weapon had been found. He had been certain he had seen it glint in the moon light by the dead Calormene lord's head and with no one allowed entrance into the gardens afterwards, he found no explanation to explain the absence of weapon. As a result, the king had ordered Reepicheep, Cornelius and Lord Enric to look into the matter.

The dark-haired king sighed and tried to clear his mind from such troubles. He shifted in the chair and focused his gaze instead of the other people in the room. Peter and Edmund rested on a couple of mattresses by the foot end of their sister's bed while he knew Lucy and Aslan stood outside on the balcony as sleep would not find them either.

He turned his attention back to the pale queen in front of him and he squeezed her hand tighter in his own. She looked so peaceful and beautiful, like she was simply sleeping and awaiting the dawn of a new day, but her appearance could not fool Caspian. She was almost lost to him and he could not deny the strain this knowledge put on his meek heart. He had done everything he could and he was helplessly abandoned on the sidelines as they all awaited her choice.

"Any improvement?"

The Telmarine man jumped as Edmund spoke up and sat down on the covers beside his sister. The young king's eyes were filled with agony and Caspian sympathized with the man.

"I don't know..." the bearded king sighed. "I wish I could help her. Tell her she can't... give up on this. But I... I know it sounds awful, but I am afraid she doesn't want to come back to Narnia. I think she wants to return to your home."

"Caspian... This is our home. Susan knows that, too," the young Pevensie clarified in a confident tone as his eyes sought through his friend's gaze with a purpose. "She doesn't want to leave, she's just..." he paused as if unsure he really ought to finish the sentence, "... She's always been the quiet sufferer. She prefers to keep her heart ache private because she wants to protect even her siblings from it. But I think Su's realizing we're all growing up, and she doesn't need to protect us anymore... Nor protect you."

The Telmarine frowned. "... What do you mean, Edmund?"

"Su wouldn't want me to tell you, but I don't care," the young man shrugged. "She almost died and I want to see her smile again if she returns to us. I'm not sure what exactly she's told you. But I do know this: she loves you."

Caspian lowered his gaze with a faint smile that soon faded into the night. His eyes danced with tears as he raised his gaze again to look down at the queen beside him. "... I wish it was true, when you returned I even allowed myself to believe in it. But you should know that she's encouraged me to find love elsewhere."

Edmund frowned as he clarified, "Because she's afraid she can't stay here with you. The Erinyes told her she was in the way for your true love. Foolishly enough, she listened to those beasts and she hasn't been able to drop it. She thinks she's protecting your heart, Caspian, if she keeps away. I don't agree."

"She told me those creatures hadn't..." his dark voice trailed off as he shook his head in anger. "But what can I do?"

"I think you know," Edmund looked beyond the king and out the open balcony door to the light of the rising sun. "Listen, I'm not saying it's going to be easy. It's probably going to be ruddy difficult for you both. But if we're here for a purpose still unknown, you should be allowed some measure of peace, if even for a minute."

The Telmarine man looked down at his tanned hand tightly clutching Susan's pale one on the covers. "Let's hope she chooses us, then..."

Lucy closed her eyes as the first rays rose above the horizon and allowed herself to enjoy the serene moment. She knew this had always been her sister's favorite part of the day and she wanted nothing more than for her sister to awaken and come out to the balcony and see this with her. Beside the young queen, the mighty lion sat quietly on the stone ground and offered whatever comfort he could with his mere presence.

As if sensing her thought process, Aslan turned towards her, "You have a question for me, my young queen."

"... Why did you not come sooner?" she youngest Pevensie asked as she wrapped the blanket closer to her small form and gazed sideways at him. "Did you not know that we needed you, that I needed you?"

"I did," Aslan inclined his head. "Though I wished to come, it was not my place to do so before. You must live your own lives, dear one, and deal with your own struggles. I cannot live your lives or for you or answer everything."

"I suppose not…" Lucy muttered and turned her gaze to look out over the balustrade at the sky which started to fill with the most beautiful colors of morning. "I'm glad you're here now, though."

Aslan snuggled his head against the queen's side and purred loudly, "As am I, dear one. As am I."

The young girl smiled and turned to hug the great lion tightly. "Are you sure you can't help my sister?" she whispered in his ear and held on tighter.

"For now, Susan must deal with her own heart by herself, she must get some clarity before she will even reach out to me for help. When she calls for me, however, I shall come to her. I promise I will not give up on your sister unless she gives up on me, Queen Lucy."

Behind them, the girl heard Peter yawn. "…Lucy?"

"I'm here, Peter," she replied and glanced behind her as her elder brother walked onto the balcony to join girl and lion. In silence, the three continued to watch the vast array of color dance across the sky. As they stood side by side, Peter reached a fumbling hand towards his little sister's. She knew it was a wordless apology for his earlier behavior and a wish to put it behind them now that more pressing matters changed the play field. Lucy held no grudge and quickly clutched his bigger, calloused hand in his own as she leaned her head against his shoulder.

"Aslan, there are many things I don't understand about this," the eldest Pevensie began as he held his sister close. "But for now I only have one question. Why is this different from all the other times we've been injured in Narnia? You healed her. How come it's her heart that decides if she returns and not you this time?"

"The answer to your question is both simple and difficult," Aslan explained cryptically. "I think you would most easily understand if I say this; it was not I who sent you back to Narnia this time."

Maybe, Susan thought, maybe she could forget Narnia, after all.

The brunette currently sat at the breakfast table with her dreadful cousin Eustace, and the latter was complaining about the crust on his toast. Listening to her annoying cousin, Susan realized that forgetting Narnia could perhaps be easy after all. If the young boy merely spoke of his nonsense long enough, he'd bore her brain into forgetting everything it had ever learned or experienced. At length, the boy shut his mouth and Susan's ears were thankful for the respite.

That was, until he opened his mouth once more and said, "I am sad, you know. I might not look it, cousin, but I am… Just so you know."

The young woman raised her pale eyes and frowned. "Why would you be sad, Eustace?"

The boy looked at her with bewilderment in his eyes, as if she'd said something completely inappropriate. "Why... because of your siblings' death, of course."

Susan dropped her own toast onto her plate and sat dumbstruck for a second as if his words had turned her universe upside down. She searched for words and eventually found her voice, "... I beg your pardon?"

Eustace looked her up and down as if trying to determine her mental state of mind. "Are you mad as a bag of ferrets? Is mother going to have to send you to an asylum? The car crash, remember? Last week. They all died. I wasn't there, of course, but the newspapers described it as rather gruesome..."

The young woman barley heard her cousin's painful words as everything turned into a great haze. She felt as if her heart stopped beating as her throat thickened with sadness. "Tell me you're kidding, Eustance. My siblings are alive. They must be."

The boy frowned at her and scooted his chair back an inch. "I assure you, they are very much dead. We had their funeral last week. Or have you forgotten that, too?"

"I … I can't… I don't remember much of anything, no," Susan whispered and then hastily stood from her chair. She threw her napkin onto the kitchen table and stood in stunned silence for a second before she recalled herself. "Excuse me."

"Please."

Without further ado, the young woman literally ran out of the kitchen, up the stairs and closed herself into her bedroom. None of this made any sense. Narnia. England. Her siblings' death. Susan tried to calm her thoughts that swirled like a whirlwind inside her head, but it was impossible to stop the wreckage.

How could it be true? How could her siblings be dead? Were they not in Narnia, after all? And why, oh why, had she not been allowed to remain with them if they were safe in the enchanted world?

The young woman felt hot tears burn her cheeks as she leaned against the wall and sank onto the floor. She hugged her legs as she tried to collect the pieces of her broken mind. She was back in England, then, just as she had always expected would happen. But this time she was completely alone. Her darling siblings were dead - Peter, Edmund and Lucy - and her parents on the other end of the world. This cold reality wasn't shared by anyone and there was only a dark future that lay ahead. A great, vast emptiness she could not comprehend. Oh, she couldn't make sense of anything and desperately she begged inside her heart for some guidance.

"I heard your call," a warm, soft voice spoke like a summer breeze and Susan's eyes shot wide open. Before her in the small room stood none other than the mighty lion himself, the only one who truly could help her in all of this.

"Oh, Aslan," She breathed and threw her arms around the lion's wide neck and buried her face into his mane as she cried. "What is happening?"

"I don't have much time, child," the lion said and the brunette leaned back against the wall as she tried to calm herself. "You must decide if you will return to Narnia or remain here."

"My decision?" Susan sniffed and wiped her tears from her cheek. "Isn't it your decision?"

"You must try and understand, dear one," the feline explained patiently as he stood close to her. "We are not in England. This is merely an image in your head of your world. What you, yourself, believe would meet you if you returned. None of it is true."

"... Why?" she asked and was surprised to hear her voice so weak and powerless.

Aslan's golden eyes watched her intently. "You have attempted to deny me in the past, child. By referring to England as the only reality of consequence. You have not believed in Narnia, Susan."

"That's not true!" the Pevensie girl gasped and shook her head. "I admit... I've had my doubts, but only because of what you told me and Peter. You said we couldn't return, never, but we did. I was scared, I doubted… but I have always believed in Narnia. In the life I once had there. But I am still afraid, Aslan... There is no future in Narnia for me, is there?"

"That is up to you now, child."

Susan shook her head. "It's not. Once I could have had a life in Narnia. But that was a long time ago. If I were to return now, it would be to my own broken heart. I don't know if I can do it... I don't know if I can live like that any more. Despite all my efforts… I still care for him. I can't return to Narnia and have my footing snatched from under me again, Aslan. If Caspian didn't… I couldn't…"

The lion smiled kindly. "I know. I cannot give you the answers regarding the future you so desperately seek, child. All I can say is that if you remain here you truly will lose him forever. Now, child, it is time you decide. Does your heart belong in England or in Narnia?"

To be continued.