A/N (03/11/15): Hello friends! As hard as it is to believe, it's been about two and a half years since I last updated one of my stories. My sincere apologies to all of my loyal readers for essentially dropping off the face of the earth, and thank you to everyone who kept reading, reviewing, and messaging me while I was lost in "real life", whatever that is!
I am working my way through this story, tweaking it slightly to take it in a direction that will better bring it to the conclusion I always intended it to reach. I'll be posting the updated versions of the existing chapters in batches until it's all caught up and we get back into new material. Most of the changes are minor in the first 15 or so chapters, but there are a few bigger changes in the later chapters of this new version. So even if you've read the story before, I encourage you to start at the beginning and work your way forward - I'll date all the updated chapters as they go up, so that it is clear what has been updated. Thank you all for your patience!
Also, to repeat a small reminder that I posted with the original version of this chapter: things in this story are AU after the first few episodes of the series (basically up until right before the big party Izzie threw in Season 1...but more on that later in this story). Some things which happened on the show may happen here, others may happen out of sequence, and others may not happen at all. And relationships formed on the show under certain circumstances...with different circumstances, they may form completely differently here. Please keep an open mind as you read through the upcoming chapters!
Meredith Grey sighed and slumped down on the couch in the living room of her mother's house - her house, as she had to keep reminding herself lately. It had been years since she'd thought of it that way, and the cold, outdated decor did little to make the place welcoming now. Still, she'd made it into a home once before, and she could only hop that she'd be able to do it again.
"You look beat."
Meredith looked up to find Lexie standing in front of her, a full glass of red wine in each hand.
"Double fisting?" Meredith asked.
"Very funny." Lexie smiled and handed a glass to Meredith before taking a seat next to her. "How are the kids settling in?"
"They hate me."
"They don't hate you, Meredith. They're just adjusting, same as all of us."
"Evelyn's the only one who'll even speak to me, and I'm pretty sure that's only because she's twenty-two and didn't have to move."
"Give them time, Mer."
Meredith shook her head and took a long sip of her wine. "How did I get here, Lexie?"
"Here, as in this house? Or here, as in…?"
"Just…here. I wasn't even ever supposed to live in this house. I was going to sell it as soon as Mom signed over her power of attorney to me."
"So why didn't you?"
Meredith shrugged. "I was an intern, what position was I in to move out of a fully paid off house? When would I have even found the time to hire a realtor? Once George and Izzie moved in, their rent covered utilities and basic maintenance, so I figured it made sense to hold onto it for at least a little while. And then the twins came early, and between the medical bills and having to take time off, I would have been crazy to sell it. Then the girls came home from the NICU, Mark and Alex moved in, and then you and April and Jackson…somewhere along the line, this place sort of became a home while I wasn't looking."
"Then moving back here really isn't all that bad, right?"
"I don't know," Meredith admitted. "I know Mark thinks it's a terrible idea, and Jack and Suzie certainly agree with him. It's just…how did I end up in a position where three of my four kids won't even speak to me? How did I end up in a situation where I couldn't even bring myself to stay in the only home two of my kids have ever know, because everywhere I turned, I was reminded of my dead husband? How did I even end up in a place where I have a dead husband?"
Lexie sighed and shook her head. "I don't know, sweetie. Would you change it if you could? Would you go back and not leave this house to begin with? Not fall in love? Not get married?"
Meredith paused and frowned as she considered the question. "That's not a fair question, Lexie, and you know it," she finally answered. "If I hadn't done all of those things, Suzie and Jack wouldn't be here. Nothing in my life has gone as I planned or expected, but I can't imagine my life without any one of my children, even if they aren't speaking to me right now."
"Give them some time, Meredith," Lexie said. "Trust me, they'll be back to talking up a blue streak in no time and you'll be wishing for peace and quiet again. And Annie…well, she'll come around eventually."
"I wouldn't count on that," Meredith said. "She's got every reason to be mad at me, and even if she didn't, she's always been the independent one. She doesn't need me."
"Kids always need their mother," Lexie pointed out. "I know it's been four years, and you're probably tired of me saying, 'give her time,' but it's true. She's got an awful lot of worries on her plate right now, and one of these days…"
"What worries?" Meredith asked, immediately turning to her sister in concern.
"I shouldn't say," Lexie said hesitantly. "I shouldn't have said anything to begin with."
"Is this about her being pregnant?"
Lexie frowned. "How do you know about that?"
"Miranda told me. She thought I ought to know."
"Of course," Lexie nodded. "What else did she tell you?"
"Just that she's about eighteen weeks," Meredith said. "Why? Is there something else going on?"
"It's just…well, apparently there were some abnormalities on her last ultrasound. The baby's a little smaller than they'd expect, so they did an amnio last week. They're worried there may a congenital defect involved."
"Oh God," Meredith sighed and set her glass down on the coffee table before burying her head in her hands. "My poor baby."
"She's going to need you if that test is positive, Meredith."
Meredith shook her head. "She knows where to find me. This has never been about me not being here, Lexie. She doesn't want me."
"Maybe this time she needs you to reach out," Lexie suggested. "She needs you, Meredith."
"Lexie, let it go."
"But…"
"Alexandra Caroline Sloan…"
"Okay, okay," Lexie threw up her hands in defeat. "I know, none of business. No need to pull out the full name. On the plus side, I did get you to stop thinking about everything else for the last five minutes."
"No offense, Lex, but your distraction techniques need some serious work."
"Duly noted." Lexie paused and looked around at the room. "You know, I think we should paint this room."
"Only if by we, you mean Mark and Alex paint while you and I sit around and watch."
"Well, duh," Lexie laughed. "Remember when we last painted this place?"
Meredith smiled and nodded. "I'm pretty sure that's one I'll never forget…"
"You okay, Meredith?" Lexie asked as her sister winced and lowered herself into a chair in the kitchen.
"Just some lower back pain, don't worry about me," Meredith assured her. "Side effect of being about twenty-seven months pregnant."
"Hey, better than the alternative," Alex commented, wiping paint on his pants as he walked into the kitchen and grabbed a water bottle from the counter. "As your doctor, as far as I'm concerned, the longer you keep that kid in you, the better."
"I'm pretty sure you're here for your painting ability, not to dole out medical advice no one asked for," Meredith grumbled.
"She's having a lot of back pain today," Lexie commented. "That's not normal, is it?"
"Oh, for crying out loud!" Meredith exclaimed. "Lexie, I'm fine. Trust me, I know my own body. It's not like I haven't been through this before."
"You haven't been through it this far," Alex reminded her. "You're almost forty weeks, Meredith, that's a full twelve weeks longer than you made it with the twins. Some things about this pregnancy are going to be different than the last one."
Meredith smiled and placed a hand on her belly. "Everything's different about this pregnancy, Alex."
Alex groaned and looked at Lexie. "Is she going all hormonal sappy on me again? Because I so did not sign up for that today."
"Shut up, Alex," Meredith snapped before wincing suddenly and gripping the edge of her chair.
"Back pain?" Alex asked skeptically. "Let me guess - intermittent, maybe eight to ten minutes apart?"
"Did I not tell you to shut up?" Meredith groaned.
"Sorry, friend mode's over, I'm in doctor mode," Alex said with a grin, helping Meredith up from her chair. "Lexie, go grab the hospital bag from upstairs."
"Hey Karev, you planning on coming back to finish this paint job or not?" Mark asked, walking into the kitchen as Lexie flew past him toward the stairs. "What's her hurry?"
"Sorry Sloan, that paint's gonna have to wait," Alex said, wrapping an arm around Meredith's waist and leading her toward the front door.
"Why? What's going on? Where are you two going?"
"The hospital, you idiot," Meredith snapped. "I'm in labor!"
"I've got the bag!" Lexie called out, rushing back into the room with Meredith's duffle bag slung over her shoulder.
"Meet us at the car," Alex instructed calmly. "One of you call the hospital and let them know that we're coming. And have them page Avery to meet us in labor and delivery!"
"I still can't believe that was seventeen years ago," Lexie said wistfully. "There are a lot of memories in this house."
"There were a lot of memories in the other house, too," Meredith said. "That was part of the problem. Everything about that place reminded me of him."
"And this house doesn't?"
"Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of memories of him here," Meredith said. "But not all of them involve him, no."
"Well, I still think it would help if you let me redecorate. You know, sell some of this old furniture, bring in a few new things."
"What exactly do you want to get rid of?" Meredith asked.
"That kitchen table, for one," Lexie said. "It's too small for us. We can't fit six people there."
"Not a chance." Meredith shook her head vigorously. "The kitchen table stays."
"Why?"
"Because that's a good memory."
"Oh? What memory?"
"You don't want to know."
"Meredith, if you don't want me to sell it off while you're at work, you better tell me why," Lexie insisted.
Meredith shook her head. "Don't say I didn't warn you."
"Just tell me."
"Well…" Meredith hesitated for a moment. "It's where Suzie was conceived."
Lexie's brow furrowed and her jaw slowly fell open as she processed the implications of Meredith's statement. "Where…oh my God, Meredith! We eat on that thing!"
"It's not like we didn't clean it," Meredith protested. "It's just…we hadn't exactly told anyone about us yet, and the house was so rarely empty that when we had the chance…well, we sort of didn't make it upstairs."
"I don't care what your reason was, it's still gross!" Lexie exclaimed.
"Right," Meredith nodded, a half-smile creeping onto her face. "So I guess I shouldn't tell you that the twins were conceived on this couch we're sitting on?"
Lexie's eyes grew wide and she jumped to her feet with surprising speed. "Meredith Grey!"
Meredith hesitated and stared at Lexie's expression for a moment, opening her mouth as though she were about to defend herself, but as she watched her sister's face twist, her words were lost as she dissolved into giggles.
Lexie shook her head and smiled as she watched her sister. They'd have a chat later about all of the places Lexie was going to have to ensure were sterilized or discarded - and she was certain there were more she didn't want to know about - but for now, she was simply enjoying hearing her sister laugh for the first time in months.
Meredith carefully shut her bedroom door behind her, mindful of the fact that the rooms here were much closer than they had been in her previous home. Flipping on the light, she quickly changed in her pajamas and took a seat on the edge of her bed. Grabbing her phone from the bedside table, she stared down at it resting in her hands, as though if she waited long enough, it would make her decision for her.
With a heavy sigh, she raised the device slightly and typed in the number Lexie had given her, moving quickly so as not to allow herself time to change her mind.
Five rings and straight to voicemail, just as she'd expected given the time.
"Hi, you've reached Annie Jones." Meredith's heart clenched as her daughter's voice rang out from the prerecorded message. "I can't pick up the phone right now, so wait for the beep and then you know what to do. Have a great day!"
Meredith took a deep breath as the tone range out after the message. "Annie, it's me…Mom…I, um, just wanted to say hi, see how things are going. I miss you, sweetheart. I know you're mad at me, I know you think that I betrayed you, but I wish you'd at least consider the possibility that everything I did was to protect you and your sister. That's all I've ever wanted to do, keep you and Evie safe and make sure you were happy. I know I made a mistake, I can see that now, but I just…at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. Anyway, I know it probably doesn't mean much to you, but I want you to know that no matter what, I love you, and you'll always have a place here whenever you want it."
Setting the phone on her bedside table, Meredith slipped under the covers and pulled them up close to her chin as she closed her eyes against the flood of silent tears she knew was coming, just like it did every night.