Evelyn groaned when her alarm clock began beeping at five-thirty the next morning.

"Ugh," she muttered, groping around until she found the snooze button. "Too early."

"Holiday shift was your idea," Matt pointed out, his voice muffled by his pillow.

"Shut up," Evelyn sighed. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"It is a good idea. Just wait 'til you see all the crazies that come out tonight. It's my second favorite shift of the year."

"Behind Halloween?"

"You know it, babe." Matt grinned as he leaned over and kissed her cheek before getting out of bed. "Come on, I promise it's worth it."

"Remind me again how many of these shifts you've worked?"

"What, you don't believe my experience?"

"Humor me, old man."

"I am not that much older than you," Matt protested in mock offense. "If you must be reminded, I've worked every New Year's Eve shift since I started at the department. So that's four, since I didn't waste all those years in college like some people."

"College is not a waste," Evelyn said defensively.

"Oh yeah? How's that biochemistry degree helping these days?"

"Just because you're jealous that I'm smarter than you…"

"Oh ho ho," Matt scoffed. "And the gloves come off!"

"You jackass," Evelyn muttered, biting back a laugh. "I know you only start this argument when you want to piss me off so we can have hot make-up sex, but I'm not letting you do that today."

"Oh really?" Matt asked skeptically.

"Really." Evelyn pushed back the covers and quickly climbed out of bed to face him. "Not going to work."

"You sure about that?" Matt asked as he stepped around the bed to stand in front of her.

Evelyn swallowed hard but nodded. "Yup. Not working."

Matt laughed and reached a hand up to brush the hair out of her face. "And why not?"

"Because," Evelyn grinned and kissed his hand before stepping back. "We're going to be late…and I want the first shower."

Matt frowned as Evelyn ducked under his arm and dashed off for the bathroom. "Not a chance, Grey," he muttered, hurrying after her and grinning at the way she shrieked as he picked her up and carried her into the bathroom.

"Where the hell did you put all the tequila?" Cristina asked in annoyance as she slammed another cupboard shut in Meredith's kitchen that night.

"Second cupboard to the right of the fridge," Meredith said, shaking her head as she dumped a bag of potato chips into a bowl and picked it up. "Same place it's always been."

"Not true, it was over there last time you lived in this house."

"No, it's always been in the second cupboard to the right of the fridge."

"Good God, when they said you'd lost your marbles, they weren't kidding," Cristina muttered as she pulled open the cupboard and grabbed a bottle.

"Oh, shut up," Meredith snapped. "I'm not crazy. It's always been right there. Just because you're getting old…"

"Watch it, I'm not that much older than you are…and I look ten years younger. I mean for crying out loud, you have a plastic surgeon living in your attic. You couldn't at least talk about a little face lift in exchange for the rent?"

"Ha ha, very funny," Meredith said with a sigh. "Look, you'll get no argument from me about looking older. But you go through three teenage daughters and see how many wrinkles you come out of that with!"

"I'll pass, thanks." Cristina smirked. "And you've still got a teenage boy to deal with in a few years. My God, you better grab a man now, because you'll be practically ancient-looking by the time that's over with."

Cristina knew almost immediately she'd said the wrong thing. Meredith's already pale complexion seemed to pale another two shades as she quickly set down the bowl she'd been holding.

"Take that into the living room for me," she said, her voice shaking slightly, turning away quickly.

"Meredith…"

Meredith shook her head and took a deep breath as she paused in the doorway. "I know you think I need to move on, but it's not that simple, Cristina. I can't just go out and grab another man, as you put it. We're talking about my husband here, not some piece of furniture that needs to be replaced."

"I know that, Meredith, I didn't mean it like that. I just think it's time you start thinking about moving on with your life."

Meredith whirled around to face her best friend. "You've got a lot of nerve, you know that? Don't pretend like you know what I'm going through, because you don't. You can't, not when you go home to your husband every night. Your husband is alive and breathing and you can put your arms around him and tell him that you love him any time you want to. I can't do that ever again, and you have no idea how much that hurts. I loved him for two decades of my life. Tell me, is nine and a half months the typical time to get over that? Am I behind some schedule that you've all set for me?"

"Mer…"

"No, don't give me that pitying tone," Meredith snapped. "I'm sorry that I'm not moving on fast enough for you. I'm sorry that I can't act like things are exactly the same as they were last year. But you know what? Things aren't the same! Jackson is dead. Gone. Buried. And I for one am sick and tired of everyone around me acting like that shouldn't bother me! Like I should be able to just tuck that away and get on with life. That is not how things work, at least not for me. So you pass this message on to everyone else - I'm through apologizing for the fact that I'm still grieving, so you all can take the sideways glances and the not-so-subtle comments on my mental health and the pitying glances…you can take those and just shove 'em, because I'm done with it."

Cristina frowned and sighed as Meredith turned on her heel and hurried out of the room and up the stairs toward her bedroom, brushing past Molly as she went.

"Did you hear that?" Cristina asked as Molly walked into the kitchen.

Molly nodded and smiled.

"Well then, why the hell are you smiling?" Cristina asked in confusion. "She's pissed off!"

"Maybe so," Molly agreed. "But that's more emotion than I've heard come out of Meredith in at least eight months. Now hurry up with that tequila, we're going to miss the ball drop if you don't hurry up."

Meredith let a small sigh escape her lips as she glanced over at the clock on her bedside table and saw that it was nearly midnight. As she flopped back down on her bed and stared at the ceiling, she could hear the sounds of her family downstairs, jostling for position near the television as they passed around glasses of champagne and prepared to toast the new year. She knew she should be down there, if only to reassure them that she hadn't jumped off the roof or whatever ridiculous thing they'd think up for her next. She wanted to be down there, too, if only to provide some sense of normalcy for Jack and Suzie. Somehow, though, she just couldn't bring herself to join them. She'd done so many holidays alone over the past year - Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. After all of it, Meredith couldn't bring herself to put on a happy face for one more celebration.

So instead she crossed her arms over her chest and carefully contemplated a small crack in the ceiling as she heard the shouting start from downstairs. Happy New Year, indeed, she thought sadly, feeling anything but happy about the coming year.

"Knock, knock."

Meredith pushed herself up onto her elbows and frowned when she saw Lexie in the doorway, a glass of champagne in each hand. "Shouldn't you be downstairs with the others?"

Lexie shrugged and stepped into the room, handing Meredith a glass before sitting down cross-legged on the end of the bed. "Mark had to go in to work, so I figured since I didn't have anyone to kiss, I'd come bug you. What are you doing up here?"

"Not much."

"Wallowing in self-pity again?"

Meredith sighed and glared at her sister. "Lexie…"

"I know, I know," Lexie said defensively. "It was a joke, Meredith. Lighten up a bit."

"Well, I'm glad you find this all amusing."

Lexie sighed. "Sorry. So what were you really doing up here by yourself?"

"Just thinking."

"About what?"

Meredith shrugged and looked away. "Last year."

Lexie smiled sadly and took a sip of her champagne but didn't say anything.

"Everything was so…I don't know, normal, this time last year," Meredith said. "I just wonder if I'll ever be normal again."

Lexie smirked and shook her head. "Hate to break it to you, sweetie, but you've never been normal."

Meredith rolled her eyes and sighed. "You know what I mean," she said. "I spent so much of my life miserable, resenting my mother, hating Thatcher, avoiding you…I never thought I'd really be happy, but then all of a sudden, I was. And I feel like I've spent the last twenty years waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it finally did. I hardly even remember what it was like to not dread waking up every morning."

"Meredith…"

"I know, I know…cheer up, it's a holiday," Meredith retorted, mimicking the tone her sister had used on her so many times in the past. "I know that. And I'm sorry that I snapped at Cristina, but I just can't do it today, Lex. I put on a happy face and made it through Easter and Halloween and Christmas…I just can't do another one right now."

"I understand," Lexie said, reaching to squeeze her sister's hand. "Next year will be better."

Meredith shook her head. "You can't know that."

"Of course I can," Lexie protested. "Just think about it for a minute. Both the twins will be here for their birthday next week, which hasn't happened in years. In a few months, you're going to have a beautiful little granddaughter to spoil rotten. Suzie's graduating from high school in May, and Jack's going to start junior high in the fall. And you…we've got another clinical trial starting up in the spring, remember? These are all good things, Mer. And hey, who knows? Maybe Matt will propose to Evie this year. That would just be icing on the cake, don't you think?"

Meredith shook her head. "I wouldn't bet on Evie taking a trip down the aisle any time soon, Lexie."

"Why? Do you know something I don't?"

"Even if I did, I wouldn't tell you," Meredith said. "But just think about it. She's twenty-two years old, Lexie. Were you ready to get married when you were twenty-two?"

Lexie frowned and then blushed slightly as she thought back to the things that she'd been doing at twenty-two. "Yeah, uh…no. Definitely not. I mean, I had a boyfriend. Nice guy, too. But I definitely wasn't ready to do the whole white dress, rings, forever thing. But Molly and Annie both did it years before that."

"Okay, Molly and Annie are the exception, not the rule," Meredith pointed out. "And for the record, Molly's first marriage should probably not be your argument in favor of young marriages."

"You have a point there," Lexie agreed. "But anyway, all I'm trying to say is that I know this has been the crappiest year ever, but it's over." Lexie glanced at the clock and smiled. "We're officially one minute into a much better new year. This year will be better, Meredith."

"I hope you're right," Meredith said with a sigh. "I really thing we're at a breaking point, Lexie. This family can't handle any more pain right now."