"Old habits die hard, eh?"
It all comes together in a split second in Kalinda's head—the voice, the sudden blossoming of shock and fear on Alicia's face, the clicks she heard as if from a distance while ensconced in the scent of Alicia's skin—and she's rolled off Alicia, turned, and sat up in a fluid motion, making sure to keep her body between Nick and Alicia, to obscure Alicia from his vision as much as she can. "I was wondering when you were going to come by."
"Yeah, good to see you." He grins, and remembering alights on Kalinda like a bird of prey. She looks at him steadily. There is nothing here she can't handle. A glance down his body—softened a little in the intervening years—shows her that everything about this moment, down to the fact that she is barely dressed, can be an asset. Same Nick, same idiocies, same weaknesses, same attempts to catch her off guard. She, however, has changed. He is not expecting Kalinda. She can make this work.
"Could've knocked."
"Somehow I don't think you would have heard me." He smiles, gives Alicia—who thankfully has turned sideways, is gathering her bra and blouse from the floor and is scrambling to put them on, her hair hiding her face—a little wave. Kalinda shifts, as unobtrusively as possible.
"If I'd known you were coming—"
"You'd have baked a cake," he says. "And eaten it too." His smile is steady, cold. Kalinda feels the years slipping backwards under her bare feet. "I had your name on a Google Alert. Just in case they started talking about you someday. So then I got in touch with this Agent Delaney of yours."
"Seems like you and she are getting along well."
"Lana? Oh, she's a sweetheart," he says, his voice grating against the word. "She seems very, very interested in your case."
Lana, you fucking idiot. But Kalinda can't think about her now. Lana has made her own choices; the problems that come with them are hers to think about. "She's got bigger fish to fry," she says, keeping her voice level.
"Well, she's left it in my hands, then," he says. "And I'm going to enjoy seeing you get what you deserve, Leela, I am."
"It's never had much to do with what either of us deserves," Kalinda says carefully.
His expression changes then, and again Kalinda figures it out just a second too late. She turns her head and sees that Alicia—dressed, a robe in one hand that Kalinda ignores—is standing behind her.
"Well, hey. Mrs. Florrick," says Nick, his lips stretching, showing teeth.
Fuck.
"Hello," says Alicia. She puts a hand on Kalinda's shoulder, some foolish gesture of protection. Kalinda shrugs it off. Nick's smile widens.
Fuck.
"I can't tell you," says Nick, "how impressed I am with that husband of yours. And you. You both have a great deal of …" He pauses. "Self-restraint."
"That may be the first time anyone has ever said that of Peter," says Alicia. Kalinda feels it somewhere far down in her gut, like sonar leagues beneath the sea. Alicia's tone says she's not sure what to make of this, Nick's false friendliness, Kalinda's rigidity.
"Maybe," says Nick with a shrug. "But he's an admirable man. I hope he gets to be governor. And you, you are an admirable woman. I'm glad you've been keeping Leela company."
Alicia doesn't answer.
"I did hear you were representing her," Nick continues. "But it seems like maybe there was a—what do they call it?—a conflict of interests."
Alicia, of course, knows nothing, so it falls to Kalinda to restrain herself without Alicia's help. She's tense with the effort.
"Well," Nick says. "I came by because we have a lot to talk about, Leela, you and I. The house and all that. But Mrs. Florrick, it's kind of private business, and I can see you two are busy. So I'll stop by another time."
"I don't think you will," Alicia says. Kalinda needs her to stop.
"I think I will, Mrs. Florrick, thanks." He dismisses Alicia, a quick turn in his eye that Kalinda would have missed if she didn't know to look for it. He will not get at Alicia. He cannot do this again. She cannot do this again.
"I'll be ready next time," Kalinda says, keeping her tone smooth enough to play down the threat.
"The time after that, Leela. Next time's in court. I won't have time to come over again before then, sorry." He walks into the living room. Kalinda follows, even though she knows Alicia will too. "I had some ideas, Leela. A few suggestions. There might be other ways we could handle this, you know, besides this trial. It's pretty risky for you, you know. But with Mrs. Florrick around … maybe it's not a good idea."
"Maybe not." Kalinda raises her chin.
"So I'll see you Thursday, yes, Leela?" he says. "And Mrs. Florrick, should I assume you'll be there too?"
Alicia seems finally to understand that she shouldn't speak. If only she hadn't shown her face.
"I'll see you there," says Kalinda. "If nothing goes wrong."
"Oh, Leela," he says, smiling, his voice thin and sharp like a splinter of glass. "You haven't changed a bit."
He's out the door, and it clicks behind him. Kalinda rushes to bolt it, chain it, lock the barn door after the horse has gone.
She hears Alicia padding behind her. Alicia places that robe around Kalinda's shoulders, then catches Kalinda before her legs give way. She enfolds Kalinda in her arms, as if it were natural, as if that were simply what people did. And for a few seconds, before reason takes hold, Kalinda feels safe, Alicia's silk blouse light against her cheek, her chest rising and falling, quick and even.
"I'll get back on your case," Alicia says softly into Kalinda's ear, breath like desert breezes. "I'll talk to Diane. I heard enough there to cast some serious doubt on his credibility on the stand."
"No," says Kalinda, desperate to disguise the shaking in her voice. "No, you stay away from him."
"I will not, Kalinda." Alicia pulls back to look at Kalinda's face, her hands resting on Kalinda's shoulders. "Let me help you."
"It won't help, Alicia," Kalinda says. "It'll only …" She doesn't want to finish the sentence, and really she wants to twist away from Alicia, run until she hits an ocean, another country. Before losing Alicia becomes more terrifying than it already is.
"You said he wouldn't hurt you."
"Not like that."
Kalinda stares at Alicia, swallows. Now she has to fill her mind with just this picture of Alicia, just this moment, nothing else, to keep the other memories from seeping in.
But the worst thing, she knows, she knows, would be not to tell Alicia, not to let her understand. After Kalinda's betrayal that was all Alicia asked for, and she still hasn't been able to provide it. She needs to now.
"He wouldn't hurt me," Kalinda says slowly, exhaling.
Alicia searches her face. She says quietly, "Me?"
"I—I didn't want him to see you."
And with that frustrating, invasive ability she's developed over the last few days, Alicia puts it together: Kalinda watches the connections being made behind her still, still eyes.
"This happened before." Alicia's voice stays low.
Kalinda gives a jerky nod.
"And he …"
"Yeah." Kalinda says it fast. She needs her composure right now, and if she steps any further into the Toronto of her memory the strings keeping her together will snap apart, one by one, tinny popping noises echoing behind her eardrums. She's still holding onto Alicia's waist, their pelvises pressed together, and Alicia still has her hands on Kalinda's shoulders. "Yeah. It … happened before."
Alicia's eyes are wide. She leans in to kiss Kalinda, and Kalinda, as best she can in her grip, pulls back. The selfishness, the utter selfishness, of every second she's spent with Alicia is threatening to cave in on her.
"Don't, Alicia!"
Alicia's expression is shocked and hurt. Kalinda has seen that face too much, wants to turn away from it, but the least she can do for Alicia is let her know what she's dealing with. "And I was going to kill him," she says, the words squealing out of her rusty throat. "I left so—so I wouldn't."
Kalinda has to sit down. It's all there: the body (unquestionably a body by the time Leela found her, everything already gone); the last weeks Leela spent at home with Nick after she saw it, full of grief and repulsion and restraint; the smell of the fire while she stood still, her eyes closed, for just a second before she rushed away. They fill her to the roots of her hair, the tips of her fingers. She will go to prison and have only these things for company. Kalinda Sharma, as the judicial system has been quick to remind her, is an illusion, and Leela Tahiri was nothing but destruction, couldn't even kill at the right time.
Alicia offers her hand, which Kalinda seizes in spite of herself. Alicia, who for the first time in years might have gotten some peace, a few inches of space—instead, Kalinda has dragged her into this. While Kalinda's in a cell in Waseca, helpless, haunted by the body and the woman it was, what will Nick do with Alicia? And what will Kalinda do without her?
That last question enters unbidden, and joins the fears that are racing in circles around Kalinda's mind. Alicia just kneels beside her for Kalinda doesn't even know how long, her hand resting on Kalinda's.
"I wanted to kill him after just a few minutes," Alicia says quietly. "So I completely understand where you're coming from." She smiles, trying to show Kalinda that she's injecting some levity, and she is so damn beautiful that Kalinda smiles back.
"Peter knows about all this," Alicia says then. "Right?"
"Sort of."
"Kalinda, what the hell are you protecting me from?" Alicia's tone is fierce. Kalinda bites her lip. "I know what Peter did. I know what you did. I know you each can hurt me, because you have. I know the man who just left is dangerous, because he made that perfectly clear. If I'm not safe now, I want to have some choices about how to handle it. It does not work out well when the people I love try to keep me safe. That's the last three years of my life. I want to try something new."
Alicia looks at her. There is not a single portion of that statement Kalinda feels capable of responding to.
"So let's try that again," Alicia says. "Peter knows, right?"
"Yeah."
"And Peter … got you Kalinda."
"Yeah."
"Have you considered using that?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"You," Kalinda says. If that isn't forthcoming enough for Alicia, then Kalinda is out of ideas. "Your kids."
"We can handle it," Alicia says. "We already have." She takes a deep breath. "Better than I would handle it if anything happened to you."
"That's why I shouldn't have—"
"Shut up," Alicia says impatiently. "Haven't—you've been happy. Haven't you?"
Happy. Kalinda's not sure—these days, with Alicia, have been too filled with fear and anticipation. She's been too desperately missing Lockhart/Gardner and the constant, fruitful use of her own mind. She's been too paralyzed waiting for Nick.
What she knows she has been is lucky. Kalinda knows what it is to have that kind of luck, on scales from large to small, and certainly she knows what it is to squander and destroy it.
"Yeah," she says.
"Then you should have. I don't regret it. I'm not regretting it now."
One of Alicia's hands cups Kalinda's cheek. Against her will, Kalinda leans into it, feels Alicia's fingerprints on her flesh.
"We're going to find a way," Alicia says quietly.
Kalinda has always found her own way. Since Nick. Until now.
"I will talk to Peter," Alicia says. "And I will talk to Diane. And you will stay safe, and you will not do anything to protect me."
Kalinda looks at her.
Alicia just looks back.
Kalinda swallows. "Please—please take care of yourself."
"Only if you do too," Alicia says. Her hand hasn't left Kalinda's face. She puts her other hand to Kalinda's other cheek and pulls Kalinda towards her, kisses her. Her hand slides down Kalinda's spine. Kalinda slips her tongue between Alicia's lips, her breath coming heavy and fast. Alicia is holding her, and she is not alone.
Even thinking those words is shocking. She weathers the shock, pressing close to Alicia as Alicia sighs. She is not alone.
-the end-