Disclaimer: I do not own nor do I profit from Janet's characters.
A/N: Okay, so I know I originally intended this to be a one shot, but after all the reviews and talking to my friends who read it, I figured I should elaborate as to why Les was "given" to Grandma as a gift for her birthday. It took me a while to come up with something the was devilishly clever and sounded like something Les would do. I hope you like it. ***Warning*** If you have a strong gag reflex, maybe reading this chapter won't be your cup of tea.
Chapter 2:
Okay, I guess you're wondering what the Lester did to make me do such an evil thing. It's not like he pulled a simple practical joke. NO WAY! He had to pull several all in one day. You all very well know that I have a conscience. I have Good Stephanie and Bad Stephanie, and at times they like to battle it out. Well after the pranks Lester pulled, let's just say Good Stephanie decided to dust off her little devil's horns, ditched her halo and joined the dark side. Mua ha ha ha!
It all started on Monday night, I finished eating lunch in the break room and had walked over to the trashcan to toss my garbage. A wad of paper thrown in my direction made me freeze and watch it bank off of the wall into the can.
"Three points!" I heard from down the hall. My head turned to see both Lester and Vince holding more wads of paper in their hands. "Hey, Beautiful! Wanna be the score keeper?"
"Lester, aren't you supposed to be helping Brett on a take down?" I asked, eying the wads of paper suspiciously.
"Canceled, the skip turned up at St. Francis with mulitple gunshots to his knees. Not like he's going to be running any time soon." He tossed another paper wad into the trashcan. "Three points."
"Les, are you insane?" I stood with my hands on my hips, "If Ranger sees you, you're going to get called to the mats." Vince paled slightly.
"I can take it." He gave me his heart stopping lopsided grin. "Hey, we're going out tomorrow night to Slice. Wanna come?"
I had heard about the club Slice, it was brand new and was the talk of the town. From what I heard, the waiting list to get in was longer than my arm. "Isn't it hard to get in?"
He winked and answered, "We do security for them. We can get in anytime." I rolled my eyes and sighed.
"Fine. Who all is going?" I tried to get more info out of him.
"Vince, Binkie, Cal, Hal, Bobby, Woody and me of course."
"I guess. But I get to bring Lula and Connie." I tried to barter their entry as well.
"Done." He grinned. "I'll pick you up at 2100 tomorrow. Wear something sexy."
The next morning, I found a thick manila envelope sitting on top of my keyboard of my computer. I looked around nervously and scanned the cubicles around me. I picked it up and examined it, noting the unfamiliar handwritten lettering. It was addressed to me, at Rangeman, but no postmark. Okay, that was screwy. Now I knew that someone at work had hand delivered it to my desk. I shrugged my shoulders when I made the fatal mistake to assume that it would be an innocuous packet of papers.
I set my pocketbook on the floor and slid it under my desk. I placed my gun, stun gun and cuffs into the top drawer in my desk, and settled into my comfy chair. I turned on my computer and as I waited for it to boot up, I began to open my envelope. I managed to get it almost all the way open when I heard Cal call over the top of my cubicle for me. "Bomber!"
I dropped the envelope onto the desk and popped my head up to look over the top of the cubicle. "Yeah."
I saw Cal's head pop up and give me a wide grin. "Morning. You get your coffee yet?" I shook my head. He reached over to hand me a cup of coffee. "I made it how you like it."
A smile covered my face, "Thanks, I was running late this morning." I took a hesitant sip, finding it the perfect temperature and perfect in taste. I sighed happily, "You are a god!"
"Forget calling me Cal anymore, just call me God!" He teased.
I rolled my eyes and before I popped my head back down, I replied. "What ever God! Get back to work. And thanks!" I plopped back down into my chair and finished my coffee before I remembered my envelope. I set my mug down, picked the envelope back up and finished opening it. I pulled the envelope open to peer inside only to hear a loud bang and I was temporarily blinded. My startled scream brought every man within earshot running.
"Bomber, you alright?" I heard, knowing the voice belonged to Hal.
"No! What the hell is going on? I can't see!" I blindly swung my hands around trying to find something familiar. I felt a well muscled chest clad in a t-shirt, as the back of my neck tingled. "Ranger?"
"Babe. Stay still, Bobby's coming with an eye kit. Sit still." I complied, but it was difficult due to the fact my eyes stung and they watered like crazy. A few seconds later I could hear running in the hall and Bobby's voice came through loud and clear.
"Bomber. Stay still. I'm going to get this set up and have you wash your eyes out, Okay?" I nodded and he sighed, "I told you to stay still."
"Sorry." A minuted later Bobby had me lean my face forward and I felt a warm liquid flush over my face and eyes. I started to protest after it began to hurt more, but Bobby held my hand and told me it was almost over. Bobby finally pressed a towel to my face after we finished flushing my eyes.
"Bomber, I want you to slowly pen your eyes and allow me to check them out."
"Alright." I began to open my eyes slowly, it hurt like hell, but thankfully I could see. "I can see." I grinned until I looked at my hands. The were blue. Blue? "Bobby? I think my eyes are damaged. My hands look blue." I could not rip my eyes away from my hands, it was scary.
"Babe, they're not damaged. The envelope you opened had a dye packet in it. When you opened the envelope, it exploded." I sat there in horror. I jumped to me feet and ran for the bathroom. I soon found myself standing in front of the mirror, stunned beyond belief. I was blue. I mean all over blue. Like all in my hair, all over my face, all over my hands. I was smurf blue. The shriek that erupted from my lips made Ranger run to my side in an instant. I was pretty sure he had been standing outside the bathroom waiting on my reaction.
"Babe. It's okay. Bobby has a solvent that will remove it." He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly. I sighed and dropped my head onto his chest.
"I'm a smurf! How can you love a smurf?"
He chuckled and answered. "If you think about it Smurfette lived with 99 other smurfs and all of them were men. You're kind of like her. You're the only woman to work with Rangeman. So, in a round about way, with your coloring, that makes you the Rangeman Smurfette." I wailed into his chest, not liking his logic one bit. I wiped my eyes with a paper towel and found that the dye was coming off on it. I looked to Ranger's shirt and found big blue face prints on the front.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get you all blue." He sighed and patted my back.
"Babe. I'll live."
After I was escorted to seven to shower, I changed into a pair of sweats and one of Ranger's t-shirts. Ranger led me down to Bobby's office and spent the next four hours having my body scrubbed clean with the solvent. The skin was easy, wipe the solvent on and wipe it off, along with most of the blue. My hair on the other hand, was much more difficult. It took nearly two and a half hours to get it clean. I sighed as I stepped out of the elevator on seven, hell bent on eating a peanut butter and olive sandwich for lunch.
I removed the jar of peanut butter from the kitchen cabinet and the jar of olives from the refrigerator. The loaf of whole wheat that sat in the bread keeper was pulled free. I began to assemble my sandwich and froze after opening the jar of peanut butter. Instead of the nutty goo I was used to, I found what looked like window caulking in it's place. "What the hell?" I searched the cabinets for more peanut butter but found none. Frustrated, I grabbed the jar of green olives, tugged the lid open and stuck my fingers in bringing out what I thought was an olive. I looked down to find the 'olive' looking back at me. "WHAT THE HELL?" I dropped the supposed olive and the jar onto the kitchen floor. The jar shattered leaving pieces of glass everywhere. So there I was standing in the middle of Ranger's kitchen surrounded by shards of glass, fake eyeballs, and olive brine. To make matters worse, I was barefoot.
I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and dialed a familiar number. "Babe."
"Uh, I need a little help."
"Another dye packet?" I could hear the smile in his voice.
"NO!" I shouted, before I calmed myself. "I dropped a jar in the kitchen, it broke and now there's little pieces of glass everywhere."
"Babe. You need help cleaning it up?"
"No. I need someone to come get me. I'm barefoot." I could almost hear his sigh through the phone. I imagined him pinching the bridge of his nose as he gathered his thoughts to speak.
"I'll be there in 2." I opened my mouth to respond, but quickly realized that he had hung up on me. Damn! Did his mother ever teach him proper phone etiquette?
One minute and thirty seconds later, I was still standing waiting for Ranger when I heard the lock tumble and the door open. He waltzed in and grinned. "Babe. Batman to the rescue again." He walked over to me, glass crunching under his boots as he walked. He scooped me up into his arms and carried me to the couch, setting me on it gently. "What happened?"
"I was trying to make myself a sandwich and someone replaced my peanut butter with caulking, and the olives with rubber eyeballs. It scared me and I dropped the jar." I dropped my chin to my chest and desperately tried not to cry. "I'm sorry. First I made a mess of my cubicle with the dye packet, and now you have glass and rubber eyeballs all over your kitchen."
"Babe. I think I can handle novelty eyeballs and a little broken glass. As for the dye packet, it was a little more sinister. I've got the men working on it right now." I smiled and nodded.
"Thanks. I just need to get this cleaned up." I rose to my feet and tugged on my shoes. Ranger helped me sweep up the glass and thorough cleaning of the floor and carpets to make sure there were no stray shards or slivers that would find our feet at any time in the future.
I sighed and Ranger allowed me to make my way down to the break room to grab a sandwich. I still had three hour before I clocked out, so I stared at the stack of search requests that Rodriguez left at my new temporary desk. Lester and Cal found their ways over and soon found themselves leaning against it waiting on me. "Hey, Beautiful. Hard morning?" He asked, concern filled his face.
"You have no idea. First the dye packet blows up in my face, and then just a little bit ago someone broke into Ranger's apartment and messed with my sandwich stuff." I cross my arms over my chest. I explained what had happened and both Les and Cal looked as if they were going to bust someone's lips open for pulling the practical jokes that went horribly, horribly wrong.
"Bomber. We'll keep you safe tonight. I promise." Cal crossed his chest with his fingers and held up his right hand.
"Les, will you keep me safe?" I asked batting my lashes at him.
"Of course Beautiful. I won't let anything bad happen to you." He leaned in and kissed the top of my head.
"Santos!" I head Ranger bark from behind them. Both Cal and Les straightened up and left my temporary cubicle quickly, leaving me to work on my searches.
After I finished out my work day, I trudged back downstairs to the garage, got into my newest POS car and prayed to God it would start. Unfortunately, he answered my prayers and it started, with a giant cloud of black smoke. I put it into gear and drove the ten minutes it takes to get back home. I began to get excited. I was going to to a brand new club and I needed to look smoking hot.
I showered and scrubbed my skin until it was pink. I washed and conditioned my hair, rinsing just before I got out. I towel dried off and slipped into a pair of boxers and a button up shirt. I worked a fair amount of Mr. Alexander's magic serum into my hair and just about jumped for joy to find it laying in neat curls framing my face perfectly. I applied my make up, smokey and sultry would work, and applied a double layer of my waterproof mascara.
Finding the perfect outfit in the closet was another story. I worked at it for over an hour before I decided to wear one of my distraction dresses. It was a black sequined halter dress, open in the back, plunging neckline and it fell to just above my knees. I slipped it on and found a pair of 5 inch black sequined FMP's to match. I surveyed myself in the mirror to apply my lipstick. I dropped my phone, my keys, my pepper spray, a pair of cuffs, my ID and $50 into my black sequined clutch just as the knock sounded at my door. I looked to find that it was 2059 and I giggled, knowing Lester hated to be late.
Opening the door, I found the most handsome version of Lester I had ever seen standing at my door. "Hey, Beautiful. You look stunning." He grinned and wrapped me into a hug.
"Thanks Les. You look pretty hot too." I patted his shoulder to get him to release me. "You ready to go?"
"Let's head out. Connie and Lula are supposed to meet us there." I locked up behind me and we walked down the stairs to the parking lot.
We made our way to the club and found both Lula and Connie flanked by the other guys. Vince, Binkie, Hal, Cal and Bobby looked like they were good enough to eat and the girls looked like they were about to find out, just as we pulled up. We greeted each other and made our way into the club. Lester led the way and waved to the bouncer at the door, he pulled the velvet rope aside letting our group in. The looks on the faces of the people in mine made me smirk. Take that! I get into a club that they had to wait for. Ha!
Les led us back to the VIP section and found the owner of the club patiently waiting on us. "Welcome to Slice." He waved his hand in a grand manner. "Mr. Santos, I have your requested table ready and waiting." He led us back a little ways until we climbed a staircase to the second level. We found our table surrounded by the who's who of Trenton society. We ordered our drinks and sat back to take in the club scene.
A techno beat had just finished, it remained quiet for a moment until a very familiar song began. I grabbed Lula and Connie's hands and ran down the stairs to the dance floor. We began to dance to Bon Jovi's It's My Life , and soon found ourselves surrounded by the guys. I was sandwiched between Cal and Hal, Connie was between Vince and Binkie, and Lula was between Les and Bobby. I thought I had died and gone to heaven as we did the bump and grind, pumping our fists into the air with the music.
Several songs and partners later, we trudged back up to our table and began to suck down our drinks. I noticed that Woody had inhaled his beer from his long neck bottle and set it next to him protectively. "What 'cha doing?" I asked him as he pulled out a round plastic container from the back pocket of his jeans.
"Dip." I wrinkled my nose at the mention of the tobacco.
"Ranger allows you to do that?" I asked, disgusted that he would use that stuff.
"What he doesn't know, won't hurt him." He joked as he forced a pinch of the shredded tobacco in between his cheek and gum. He spit a couple of times into the empty bottle and set it back down. I wrinkled my nose again and forced myself to look away. The waitress came again a little while later and we ordered more beers and shots of tequila. She came back ten minutes later and unloaded her tray onto our table.
I took a swig of mine and pulled Cal onto the dance floor for a slow song. Three songs later, I made my way back to the table and drank from my beer, quenching my thirst. I had forgotten how hot these clubs could get in the summer. I relaxed and cooled off by ordering another beer. After I drank a long swig, everyone returned to the table, hot and thirsty. I sat back on the comfortable couch and leaned against Les, placing my head on his shoulder.
"Having fun, Beautiful?"
"Yeah. This place is pretty cool." I answered, I sat up to grab my drink but caught my heel on the edge of the couch and fumbled a little. Les leaned forward and after a second of reaching for the table, he helped me untangle my heel from the fabric. I leaned forward and grabbed my beer bottle. Connie was asking Cal and Hal about their time in the Navy, when I took a big swig from my bottle. I stopped dead in my tracks, unable to swallow, or move, or talk. Somehow, I had grabbed Woody's spit bottle and had taken a huge gulp. I was pretty sure I had turned green. Finally after what seemed like forever, I spit the foul liquid onto the floor and gagged.
The looks from the people around me made me want to shrivel up and die. "What's the matter, Bomber?" Hal asked, disgusted.
I pointed to the bottle and Cal grabbed it, taking a sniff. He dropped it onto the table and slugged Woody in the shoulder.
"Damn it man! She just drank from your spit bottle."
Both Lula and Connie paled and said in unison, "Ewww!" I grabbed a bottle of water off of a tray from a passing waitress and rinsed my mouth out spitting the water into my real beer bottle. I chugged the remainder of the water and gagged again, luckily I didn't spew chunks.
The only person who thought it was somewhat amusing was Lester. "Beautiful, you're a trip. Next time, you need to pay attention to what bottle you pick up." I turned to look at him and almost rolled my eyes. "His has a torn label, yours doesn't."
I looked down at the table and surveyed it closely. All the bottles now had torn labels, in the same exact way that Woody's spit bottle was. Mind you, I was still trying to hold down the contents of my stomach. I replied, "Les, which bottle is Woody's chew bottle?"
He grinned and pointed to one near me. "That one."
"How did it get near me? Woody is clear across the table." He grinned and shrugged his shoulders.
"It grew legs and walked over there." I glared at him. He chuckled and under his breath he added, "And maybe some eyeballs too." I froze and my eyes grew wide as saucers. I turned my body to his and almost flung myself at him.
In a deadly calm voice, I asked him, "What did you just say?" Everyone else at the table grew silent and watched in sick fascination at the drama before them. Les grinned sheepishly and tried to say something, but failed miserably, no sound would come out of his mouth. "Did you just say something about eyeballs?" I could feel the anger rising in me. It started at my toes and worked its way upwards, until it was all the way to the top of my head and trying to burst forth.
"Beautiful." Les regained his voice, and worked himself up onto his feet, holding his hands out in defense. I rose to my feet along with him and stalked towards him, like a lion eying her prey. "They were all practical jokes. You weren't meant to get hurt in any of them. They were innocent."
"INNOCENT!" I screeched, making everyone on the whole top floor of the club freeze. "YOU SENT ME A DYE PACKET THAT EXPLODED COVERING ME IN BLUE DYE!" I backed him up against a wall, my finger poking into his chest. "YOU MADE ME LOOK LIKE SMURFETTE!"
He grinned and jokingly stated, "The solvent took care of that. Besides, I always thought Smurfette was hot."
"AND YOU MESSED WITH MY PEANUT BUTTER AND OLIVES. I DROPPED THE JAR AND WAS SURROUNDED BY BROKEN GLASS WITH NO SHOES ON. I HAD TO CALL RANGER TO COME SAVE ME. AGAIN! AND I SUPPOSE WOODY'S BOTTLE GREW LEGS AND WALKED OVER TO MY SIDE OF THE TABLE?" I poked him in the chest again, this time harder. "YOU ARE SO DEAD MISTER. I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU WISH YOU WERE DEAD. I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU CALL FOR YOUR MOMMY." I narrowed my eyes at him, lowered my voice so only he could hear, "I'm going to make you wish you never pissed me off, Les."
He grew quite pale with the last statement, swallowed hard and gave a nervous smile.
"I'm sorry, Beautiful."
"You sure are sorry. You're going to pay Lester. Paybacks are a witch!" Before I could elaborate any further, our phones all rang with an emergency code from Rangeman. I grabbed my purse and apologized to the girls. "I'm sorry, but it's a mandatory report call. We have to go. I'll come by the office tomorrow." Both Connie and Lula nodded and watched me leave with the guys.
Sadly, Lester assumed that in the chaos of the emergency code, I had forgotten about my payback. He was wrong. He was so wrong. It's on... like Donkey Kong!
A/N: So now you know what I meant about gag reflex. I had a hard time writing about the last joke, I kept gagging. Sadly, I have had this joke played on me more than once, by my friends who chewed or dipped. I soon learned never to let my beer out of my hands, it was the only way to ensure it remained spit free. UGH! Anyway, I hoped that the choice of jokes wasn't too much. Please read and review. I'd love to hear your thoughts about this latest chapter. Should I continue with another round of jokes or end it right here? Let me know!