Chapter 6 – An Unlikely Shopaholic
They found the statue easily. They hadn't realised that they needed magic to get past it.
/What should we do?/ asked the Doctor. /Go back to the kids?/ The Master laughed softly.
/You make it sound like they're our kids/ The Doctor was silent. He hated the part of himself who wanted a family, and he hated with even more passion the part which wanted the Master to be a part of it. /Family?/ asked the Master. /You are getting soft/ Then he paused. /Are you going to come up with a solution then? Or am I waiting for nothing?/
/Use the sonic, idiot/
/Don't call me an idiot/
/Well you have the damn thing/
/Will it work?/
/It worked on the map. And you never know until you try/ The Master pulled the Doctor's screwdriver from his pocket, returning the map as he did so, and pointed it at the statue. There was an almost imperceptible click followed by a loud whir, and the statue slid gratingly out of the way, revealing a long tunnel. /Now give me back the screwdriver/
/Say please/
/It's mine, dammit!/
/Say please/ The Doctor made a lunge for the screwdriver which the Master was holding out to him, mocking him. /Oh no you don't/ He darted off down the tunnel, the Doctor in hot pursuit.
The Doctor could feel the bond tugging at him as he fell further and further behind the Master. Any second now he was going to fall over and end up being dragged along the cold stone floor.
/Stop!/ he called out. All he got in return was silence.
"Stop!" he yelled out loud, and the sound reverberated in a creepy sounding echo. The pull stopped, and he caught up with the Master.
/What's wrong?/ mocked the Master. /Am I too fast for you?/
/Bastard/ panted the Doctor, but he didn't ask for the sonic. He was fast, with his long, skinny legs, but it seemed that the Master was faster.
/You learnt your lesson yet? Good. Now let's go clothes shopping!/ The Master clapped his hands with excitement and walked off down the tunnel, holding the sonic out in front of him like a torch.
/I'd never have thought of you as a shopper?/
/Really? You didn't think it was Lucy who chose these shirts, did you?/ The Master sounded surprised.
/Well I don't know. So you shop a lot, then?/
/Only at the best places. You look like a thrift store shopper to me/
/There's nothing wrong with Oxfam!/ said the Doctor, indignantly.
/Oxfam/ said the Master with disdain. /You need help/
/No one's ever taken me shopping before.../
/Oh, you poor, deprived child/ The Doctor could hear the sarcasm.
/Why have you stopped?/
/Dead end/ said the Master.
/Go up/
/What?/
/Up. Trapdoor/ The Master shone the screwdriver above his head.
/How did you know?/ he asked suspiciously.
/I didn't. I'm just clever like that. It's like a sixth sense/ The Master unbolted the trapdoor and heaved it open. Light shone down into the tunnel.
/Give me a leg up/
/Of course/ The Doctor lifted the Master up by his ankles and half lifted him, half threw him through the hole in the ceiling. This surprised the Master, who let out a startled squawk. /Shhh.../ cautioned the Doctor, doubled up with silent laughter.
/It's your fault/ snapped the Master, holding out his hand to help the Doctor up. The Doctor knew that he could have climbed up by himself, but he took the offered hand anyway. He liked the contact.
They looked around, amazed. They were in a large cellar filled with boxes and crates of all different sizes.
/Quick, get down!/ The master jerked the Doctor by the arm and they both ducked behind a large stack of boxes. A man was walking down the stone steps in the corner, mumbling to himself.
"Bertie Bott's, Bertie Bott's, we're always out of those damn beans."
/Beans?/ inquired the Master.
/They must be some sort of sweet. Harry said the tunnel came out into Honeydukes/
/I knew that actually/
/Sure you did/
The man eventually found the box he had been looking for and, with much grumbling and mumbling, carried it up the steps. The time lords let out the breaths they hadn't realised they'd been holding.
/Come on/ said the Doctor, and they made their way towards the steps that the man had just ascended.
/Slowly/
/Quietly/ Thump.
/Shh! Your feet are so loud!/
/My feet? You're the one who sounds like an elephant, Doctor/
/Huh/ They made it to the top without alerting anyone though, and came out behind the counter.
/Crap/
/Just be quick/ The Doctor gripped the Master's wrist and darted under the counter and behind one of the displays, dragging the Master behind him. The Master stood up straight, dusting down his suit.
/Next time can we maybe make our escape in a less vulgar manner?/
/And where's the fun in that?/
/I take it you've done this before?/
/What? Running and hiding? Or specifically hiding from grumpy sweetshop owners?/
/Don't try to be funny; it really doesn't suit you/
/Well, pardon me. You wanna get some sweets?/
/We haven't got any money/
/Am I dreaming? The Master worrying about money?/
/I wouldn't have taken you for a thief/
/Psychic paper/ He patted his pocket. /My treat/ The Master's face lit up with glee.
/What are you waiting for, then?/
The shop was near to empty, the only other customer being a tall, old wizard in deep purple robes. He had a long, white beard and appeared to be buying sherbet lemons.
/I didn't know they sold ordinary sweets here/ mused the Doctor.
/Never mind that, come on!/ The Master was acting like a child, and in the Doctor's opinion it rather suited him. Made him look... endearing. The Doctor followed him round the multicoloured sweet shop as he filled his arms with everything he could get his hands on. /So this is what the man was talking about/ He picked up a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. /Ooh look, these ones have collector's cards in them.../ He grabbed a couple of boxes of chocolate frogs and then moved onto Sugar Quills.
/I think that might be enough/ said the Doctor when the Master had sweets piled so high that he couldn't see over the top.
/Mmm...?/ The Master was busy poring over lollies 'made with real blood!' that were supposedly designed to 'bring out the vampire in you'.
/I said that's enough/ But the Doctor was laughing. /You really are like a child/
/There's nothing wrong with being childish every now and again/ The Doctor couldn't really disagree with that.
The Master piled the sweets onto the counter in front of the bemused old wizard, who did a quick count.
"That'll be..."
"Stick it all onto that," said the Doctor, king of cool, flashing the psychic paper.
"The Inter-Galactic Bank of Wizards... You're from out of town, then?"
"Very much so," said the Doctor, smiling. The psychic paper always surprised him.
"Meself, I've never left this village, but each to their own I guess. I need a bag!" The last bit was yelled behind him, and a red faced woman hurried out from the back of the shop clutching a carrier bag. She pointed her wand at it and muttered a quick spell. Then she pointed her wand at the pile of sweets on the counter and they flew into the bag. The bag didn't even bulge.
"Here you go," she said, handing the bag to the Master, whose eyes lit up. As they left the shop, they heard the man turn to his wife.
"They're from out of town," he said.
"So's a lot of people."
"No, but they're from really out of town."
/Dress robes/
/Mmm... Ooh look/ The Master had opened his first chocolate frog. /Cliodne... Some witch/
/Come on!/
/Do you want the frog? I'm not particularly hungry/
/Not hungry? But you haven't eaten anything!/
/Oh well, all the more for you. Ooh... Albus Dumbledore... Here, you can have this one as well/ He handed the Doctor another frog and ripped open the next packet. /Merlin/
/I don't want all this chocolate. Put them in the bag for later/
/Yes, mum/
They did find a robe shop eventually. It was a small shop, quite out of the way, and hidden on a side alley. The Master had amassed quite a collection of cards, several duplicated, and was down to his last frog.
/We need more frogs/
/You haven't eaten any!/ replied the Doctor, exasperated.
/Huh. I'm not hungry/
/You're never hungry. Come on/ The Doctor pushed the Master through the shop door. A bell rang as the door shut, and a scrawny witch appeared.
"Oh, bother, more customers," she said, brushing her robes down.
"I beg your pardon?" said the Doctor. "We've come for dress robes."
"Both of you? And you'll want fitting as well." She eyed the time lords and tutted loudly. "Well, Madame Needle's the one to do it."
"Is that you?"
"Of course! You don't think I could afford more staff, do you? Stand over here, on here. You too. You must be mad..."
/I don't like it here/ said the Master, frowning.
/I thought you liked shopping?/
/Not this kind of shopping/
"What colour are you wanting?"
"Blue," said the Doctor.
/Blue? You wear brown/
/Do I not have a blue suit?/
/No/
/But I'm sure I wore it when... No. Never mind/
"Black," said the Master. "With red trim."
"You're not half fussy," snapped the woman.
/Black and red?/
/Do I not wear...? No. What am I thinking?/
/Well, you're picturing a black hoody and a red shirt. Not your usual style at all/
/Why on Gallifrey would I wear something like that? I'd look like a bloody scene kid.../
Their robes fitted and the psychic paper shown ("Well that seems to be in order. Never heard of that bank though.") they hurried back into Honeydukes. Luckily, the man and his wife seemed to be having a tea break, or perhaps it was lunchtime, and they got down into the cellar with no difficulty at all. They walked back through the tunnel and opened the statue at the other end using the sonic.
/I want that back now/
/I guess you did get me chocolate.../
/Yes I did. Give it back/
/No!/ The Master laughed. /Well, that was fun. Can we try our robes on properly now?/
/Ngh! You are infuriating!/
/I do my best/