Carlisle's eyes broke from hers to glance down at his hands. He did trust her. He would always trust his dear beloved Esme but...
Esme, you just can't know. You are able to see one side due to your horrid experience, but you simply can't know what is locked up inside of me. If you did you would never stay with me. Today proved that it has always been there just laying in wait until I weakened enough for it to escape. Now that it has found a way to liberate itself it will become harder and harder to contain. What if the next time it shows its true form it moves against one of the children who is less battle ready then Jasper? What if it attacks one of my baby girls? What if it grows angry with you?
"I struck my son... in anger. That is an act of abuse. One that I am only all too familiar with."
Esme sighed softly to herself. Why did the man with a heart large enough to care for the entire world have so little love for himself? He was easily the most gentle creature that had ever crossed her path and it frustrated her that he couldn't see that in himself. She kept her hold on his injured hand but released the other so she could place her palm against his chest, hovering just over his silent stilled heart.
"This is you, Carlisle and it doesn't contain the twisted spirit of abuse. An abuser might have moments of remorse but nothing near what you are putting yourself through. You have a merciful spirit. You are my tenderhearted husband, a lovingly sympathetic father and a strong supportive leader to our little family of misfits. We pass so easily as a family, even under human scrutiny, because that is exactly what we are and the reason for that is the respect and love we have for one another."
Carlisle tried to turn his head away but Esme cupped his cheek and gently prevented his escape, forcing him to focus on her and her words.
"There is nothing that prevents the children from leaving. They are all very capable adults who can make their own way in the world. They stay with us because they want to. If you were the abusive monster that you are trying to see yourself as, can you honestly say that they wouldn't have left a long time ago?
The protective instinct that came out in you when Jasper hurt me is very much alive and active in every one of the children. Do you think Emmett would allow Rosalie to reside in a place where he feared for her safety? For that matter, do you not realize that Rose is a strong woman who would not stand for abuse. If you have the slightest question in your mind about that, think back to what happen to Royce King and his friends. She is not one to put up with mistreatment yet she very willingly submits to your authority. That is something I feel very safe in saying would never happen if she didn't have complete trust in you; if she didn't know you as the loving decent man we see everyday.
Edward's sensitivity couldn't tolerate living in an abusive situation and don't even make me start with Alice and Jasper. There isn't even a venom tie to hold them. They are here completely of their own free wills because they want to be part of our family."
Carlisle wanted to believe his wife but the vision of Jasper's terror filled eyes reenforced the truth of his toxic thoughts. How could Esme claim that he was decent if he was capable of eliciting that sort of response in a boy whom he loved? The fact that he knew how deeply Jasper's bravery ran and all the horrors it had helped him endure did nothing more then drive his belief in his own wretchedness further home.
"I thought that I could beat the odds but today proved that I haven't. It is basic psychological profiling well backed by statistics. I can show you case study after case study. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I didn't want it to be true, I knew that I was destined to become my father, Esme. It is a fact that has always been there but I have never had the heart to face it."
His head dropped as the shame washed over him. It was his worst nightmare brought to life and admitting it to his mate was harder then it should have been. He never doubted her love but he didn't want her burdened with his hideous affliction. It was his fault, it was his problem, and it was his burden to bear. He raised his fist up against his lips as grief caused a strangled whine to catch in his throat.
"I should have stayed alone. I knew better then to ever have children. The only good thing is that at least thus far I don't seem to be prone to spousal abuse."
His voice was muffled but Esme hung on his every word. Carlisle shook his head as venom stung his eyes.
"I should leave. You would all be better off without me."
Esme gasped as if she had just been slapped in the face. For a few breaths she stood still simply staring at her tormented mate. Once the initial shock wore off, she grasped his hand and pulled it away from his face.
"Carlisle Cullen! You look at me right now!" When he didn't respond she switched her hold from his hands to his shoulders and gave him a light shake causing him to shift his attention from the ground to the stressed expression on her face. "Don't you ever say anything like that ever again. Don't even think about leaving the children and me or so help me God..."
He closed his eyes and turned away trying to block out her panicked tone before it could cause his heart to break further.
"On no you don't. You don't get off that easy." She caught his chin and turned his face back towards her. "Open your eyes, Carlisle. You require the children to look you in the eye and that is the least you can do for me."
With a resigned sigh he forced himself to glance back at Esme. The sadness etched across her beautiful face brought tears to his eyes but he blinked them back rapidly. The last thing he would ever want to do would be to hurt his devoted gracious mate but it appeared that he was destine to hurt everyone he held dear.
"Carlisle Cullen, you listen to me and you listen well. You are the head of this family and I will hold you to your responsibilities to it. Together there is nothing we can't overcome. I refuse to even consider not having you by my side. We all need you. Your son needs you."
"I am the last person he needs," he spat scathingly.
The bitterness in Carlisle's voice took Esme by surprise but it only reaffirmed her determination to not allow him to continue on this downward self defeating spiral.
"You are the person he needs most." When Carlisle huffed in disbelief she continued. "Jasper needs to know that he has your forgiveness. Without that reassurance he will never be able to forgive himself. You already know this, Carlisle. It wouldn't surprise me if our sensitive southern son doesn't feel abandoned right now. I can talk to him and forgive him just fine but it's you that he will feel the need to make amends with.
You are allowing self pity to blind you to your responsibility to that boy and it stops now. You're not going to do this to him. Don't you think that he is castigating himself just as badly as you are? He may not be of your venom but he is every bit your son, Carlisle."
His eyes glazed over with venom tears as her words began to break down his defenses. He could no longer deny that her arguments weren't valid. He didn't know how he could do it but he was going to have to find the inner strength to face his son. Jasper did not deserve to suffer and, as his father, Carlisle really was the only one who could offer absolution. The idea of reprimanding his brave solider boy absolutely terrified him. The 'what ifs' surrounding the confrontation brought up every frightening emotion to paralysis Carlisle as his gentle wife watched him with a critical eye. Suddenly the final protective wall he tried to hide behind crumbled as his tears began to freely flow.
Carlisle felt Esme's arms close around him as she pulled him into her healing embrace. The coven leader who had always been the cornerstone of his family, their steadfast reliable strength, was no more. In his place was Vicar Cullen's lamentable feeble son. All of his shields had dropped as he completely broke down in his wife's loving arms as she accepted him, flaws and all. There was no one else with whom he could be so utterly vulnerable in front of. If it wasn't for Esme he knew he would have been consumed by his demons long ago but the light of his life continually drove them back into shadow.
Esme raised a hand and laid it against the back of his neck as she welcomed his tears on her shoulder. Her fingers gently worked the knots of tension out of his hard corded muscles as she cooed soothingly. For the first time since she found her lover languishing in this clearing she knew that everything would truly be alright. The tears that he so rarely shed cleansed his troubled soul of his guilt and despair clearing the way to let her love in to rejuvenate him.
As he shifted against her neck, burning pain shot through her causing her breath to catch. Carlisle felt her stiffen as a soft gasp sounded in his ear. Drawing back from her tender administrations, he noticed her flinch as her hand covered the wound near her throat.
"Oh my God, Esme, love." His brow furrowed as he gentle encouraged her to move her hand and allow him to pull the collar of her blouse away exposing the inflamed injury. He could not believe that he had been so insensitive as to put his petty concerns before the physical condition of his wife.
"I'm okay, Carlisle. Most of the venom has already been metabolized. It is healing a little slower then I would have liked but it hardly hurts any longer."
He wiped the last remnants of tears from his eyes as the hurt little boy faded away to allow Carlisle to return to his well defined doctor mode with the ease of familiarity. Esme grimaced as his fingers lightly explored the ragged edges of the bite that he knew would become a battle scar.
"Really, love. I'm fine."
"Would you actually tell me any differently?"
"Carlisle, I would never lie to you." Her voice carried a hurt tone. She couldn't believe that he would question her honesty.
"Not even to try to protect one of your fledglings?" He cocked a brow as he studied her delicate face.
"Well, I would never actually lie but I suppose I might bend the truth a little."
Esme was happy to see a soft smile come across her husbands features. She was starting to fear that she would never see that treasured expression again so it was delightful to see its return.
"The first thing we do when we get home is clean your wounds well, young lady. The one on your arm is already healing but it would still be a good idea to wash it."
"Carlisle, it's not like it will get infected." She rolled her eyes at her doting husband.
"No it won't but if it's clean when the skin knits the scarring will be much less." He ran his hand along her cheek and up into her silky golden brown hair. "It's wise to follow the doctor's orders." He rubbed his nose against hers causing her to giggle quietly before he kissed her gently.
"Yes, doctor. I promise to be a good patient." She returned his smile as her eyes twinkled.
"You're my best girl, sweetheart. I couldn't live without you so let's try to avoid you becoming a patient again."
"I'll do my best. I much rather play patient then have to really be one." She winked at him causing Carlisle to laugh in spite of himself. Esme whispered something in her mate's ear that would have had him blushing were it possible.
"Mrs. Cullen!"
"Just a suggestion, doctor." She smirked at her lover.
He sighed softly.
"Let me see how things turn out with Jasper. I'm thinking that a little diversion afterward will be just what the doctor ordered."
She tilted her head slightly and grinned. "What the patient ordered, you mean."
Esme got to her feet then held her hand out to her husband. "I think we've allowed the children to have enough time at the house alone. The way they have been going today, I believe we should count ourselves lucky to still have a house standing when we get back."
Carlisle accepted the hand up and gave her a slight nod. His trepidation came back at the thought of not only having to face his son but at also being required to provide the correction that Jasper would expect from him as payment for his iniquity.Guilt was the true enemy of them all.
"I do hope the house is still in tact. I'm not sure that I can take anymore excitement from the children today."
"That makes two of us, love." Esme cuddled against him as they picked their way slowly along the broken path through the trees towards their house and the children who made it a home.
AN: Y'all know, I can understand writer's block and generally can work through it but this time I was dealing with Carlisle block. He was not playing nice with Esme or myself. Thank goodness he is back on track. I really had hoped to get Em's shoulder looked after by now but.. nope. He has to hang on until the next installment. All I can say is thank God for Esme.
Thanks for all the fantastic comments. They helped keep me focused while Carlisle tried to throw me off track. Couldn't have done it without y'all.
Meet everyone back at the house soon. ;-)