"Carlisle, this must be some sort of a joke. You can't be asking me to... No, Carlisle. I'm sorry, love, but that isn't something that I can do. Putting you in more pain to get you out of pain? Be reasonable. You don't understand fully what you are asking."
Carlisle let his head fall as he listened to his mate's protests. "On the contrary, darling, I know only full well what I am asking and I know that it would be beyond difficult for you." He looked up at her with soft tear filled eyes. "If I wasn't at the point that I truly felt that I needed this release I would never ask this of you, but the emotional pain has become nearly too much for me to bear. I never wanted to put you in this position."
The sight of Carlisle's distress caused tears to form in his mate's eyes. "I'm sorry, Carlisle." She pulled him tightly into her embrace and cradled his head against her shoulder. His strong arms wrapped around her as he held onto his mate, absorbing her love. Physically strong, but emotionally tattered. Oh, Carlisle why do you beat yourself up like this? Esme spoke softly as she rested her cheek against the top of Carlisle's head. "My love, you've done nothing wrong. Even if I could find the strength to follow through with what you're asking of me, there is no good reason. You wouldn't punish the children without cause; even the Volturi would not inflict punishment without a reason."
"Saving my soul from the hell it currently occupies is enough reason."
His mate sighed as she rubbed his back and rocked ever so slightly trying to soothe Carlisle in much the same way she would a small child in distress. "I do believe that you need to take a page from that lesson book you gave Jasper. You, Carlisle Cullen, need to learn to forgive yourself and put all of this behind you."
He chuckled softly causing Esme to pull back and gently raise his head to allow her to see his eyes. "What is that about?"
Shaking his head, Carlisle smiled weakly. "Putting it behind me is exactly what I'm trying to get you to help me with."
Esme rolled her eyes, but gave her mate a slight smile.
"My love, there comes a point where even the strongest can no longer struggle under the weight of their burden. Believe me, it's not easy for me to ask for this help. I know how it sounds." He groaned as he turned his face away from her while a feeling of shame washed over him. "I know that this makes me weak in your eyes; rightfully so."
"Carlisle!" Esme caught his chin and turned his face back towards her. "You are not weak and I won't hear that sort of talk."
"But I am, Esme. I should be able to resolve this on my own, but I can't. That is a sign of weakness." He glanced away again, then gracefully stood and walked a few feet away from his mate. "I've exhausted all other avenues of redemption. I have forgiveness that is undeserved which makes it feel hollow and trite.
You're right. I do need to forgive myself, but to be able to do that I need to atone. I've wracked my brain only to keep coming back to this one option. It is my final alternative, love. I have to try to overcome the psychological pain of guilt through the physical pain of punishment and I can't do that alone."
His voice became so soft that even with her superior hearing, Esme was barely able to make out his words as they mingled with the roar of the thundering water.
"I promised Edward that I would abide by your decision. I know that this idea makes you uncomfortable, to say the least, and if you are unable ... well, I do understand. I will ask that you please take a little time to think it through though before you decide. That's not much to ask, is it?" He took a deep breath before meeting her eyes and spoke with more strength and conviction in his tone. "If, after that, your answer is still no, I will accept that as fate. For all I know there may be a reason for me to continue to feel this way; some lesson that I have yet to learn."
"Carlisle, you have done nothing wrong. That is the lesson life is trying to teach you. There is no need for punishment, when there is no misdeed committed."
Esme eased herself to her feet and smoothly glided towards her husband. Taking both of his hands in hers, she stared lovingly into his grief tinged eyes before he glanced away.
Several silent moments passed between husband and wife as each tried to think of a way to further their argument.
When Esme finally spoke, her voice was quiet and gentle, but undeniably firm. "Tell me precisely what you feel you have done wrong to deserve to be subjected to this chastisement. Precisely, Carlisle Cullen. I don't want a rehashing of the abstract. You lean on this cryptic concept that you have wronged Jasper in some way. If you want me to honestly consider your request, I require concrete evidence of wrongdoing. Confess this sin to me by telling me exactly what your offense is."
He swallowed back the nervous flood of venom before returning his gaze to his mate's exquisite face. "You already know my crime, Esme."
"I know of no crime, Carlisle. I know of the actions of a man who bravely stepped in when he knew that I, that his mate, was in danger. He was forced to battle against someone whom he loves dearly to save another who also holds a piece of his heart. That tug of war to try to do right by both parties is what fractured his spirit. That is the reason that he suffers still; because he dared to love too much." She reached out and cupped his cheek as he closed his eyes at her touch. "Are you trying to convince me that love is now a crime, Carlisle? If so that is one proposal that I will never agree to."
He stroked the back of her hand then gripped it lightly and pressed it to his lips before pulling it away.
"It was not love that I was feeling towards my son when I had my teeth to his throat. He had submitted, but I continued to threaten his life. I was so out of control that I could not accept my boy's surrender. I am supposed to lead by example. What sort of example did that set? How can I castigate my children for fighting and threatening each other and then turn around and do the same thing that I reprimand them for?" He shook his head in disgust.
"I'm over three hundred and fifty years old, Esme. I am certainly old enough to know better, but did nothing to stop myself. I became a threat to my son; to my entire family. Is that not enough punishable sin for you?"
Carlisle forcibly exhaled as he tried to calm the frustration that he felt rising in his chest.
"If it had been a nomad who threatened Jasper as I had, would you not have taken action? If the scenario was the same, and this stranger attacked our son to try to protect you, would you not have wanted to cause him harm? What if it was Eleazar or Garrett who stood in my place, can you honestly say that you would afford them the same immunity that you are willing to grant me?"
"That would be a completely different case, Carlisle."
He barked a humorless laugh. "How is that any different, apart from the fact that they would face possible dismemberment and death? All I ask for is a moment of punitive pain for a transgression that could rightfully lead to death in anyone else."
"I know that you would never have hurt him. With anyone other than family, I wouldn't have that same assurance."
"With respect, love, you know nothing of the sort. I very likely would have killed him had you not been able to get through to me. At that very moment, I was a mindless animal defending what I saw as my property; which is also an unsavory idea, in and of itself."
"That was instinct which you cannot be held responsible for; however, the man locked inside the beast still had the strength to keep his son safe. Doesn't that show you that you were still in control? Doesn't that prove that you have done nothing wrong?"
Carlisle dropped his head as he turned away slightly rubbing his temples with one hand before letting that hand fall. Crossing his arms over his chest, he sighed deeply.
Esme touched his shoulder only to have him flinch and tilt his head a bit further away as he closed his eyes in thought.
"Carlisle, maybe I do have too much faith in you, but you have never yet failed to meet my expectations." She voiced her words in a quiet whisper.
"Yet. There is always a first time. If this had been that first time, we would be without our children and I would have my son's death on my hands." The muscles in his jaw tightened as he battled his vexation. "I don't know that I could live with that, Esme and that thought is consuming me. It's what fuels my guilt and I can't seem to let it go."
With a sigh he finally opened his eyes and glanced at her over his shoulder. "Will you still hear my confession, love?"
She nodded, but refrained from speaking.
Carlisle quickly scanned the area then took her hand and led his mate a short distance from the river to a spot under the towering ancient trees. Releasing her, he dropped to his knees at her feet and bowed his head in reverence.
"Bless me, my angel, for I have sinned. I have nearly taken the life of my child, who I am sworn to protect. I have nearly made my daughter a widow and destroyed my family through this thoughtless act. I failed to control my anger, which is one of the true deadly sins." He took a breath before looking up to meet her eyes. "I have contemplated taking my own life should something like this occur again; knowing full well that it will damn my everlasting soul, if that shouldn't already be its state. With my feet already on the road to perdition, I have had the nerve to request that my mate join me in my fall. I selfishly asked her to commit an act that I know goes against her beliefs and could rekindle memories best left in the past. I asked her to be stronger than me and to face her own personal hell in the hopes that she could help recover my soul." His eyes shone brightly as the moonlight reflected off the tears that blurred his vision. "I shamelessly put myself first and that is my greatest sin. I wish that I was a better man, but what is left of my soul is broken, bleeding and lost and only my soul mate can redeem me."
His breath caught in his chest as he noted the sorrow that his words caused in his mate, but he pressed on.
"I am penitent, Esme, but I need absolution. Please help me purge my soul through a temporary purgatory and save me from my living hell."
Slowly exhaling his held breath, Carlisle clasped his hands together as if in prayer then rested his bowed head against them. All he could do now is wait. If Esme still refused he would have to let it go. He could not force her; would not force her even without that promise he made to Edward. He had stated his case to the best of his ability and now it was up to his mate to decide what she could and could not bear.
Time crept by as the patriarch remained on his knees on the damp ground. He felt his wife's light touch on his head and heard her soft sigh, but he remained as he was; head bowed and eyes closed.
"When and where do you want to do this, Carlisle?" There was great sadness in her voice, but he knew that she was resigned to the task and would not back out now. A new wave of nervousness stuck him, causing his stomach to knot. "I take it that we will want the children out of the house."
"I really don't care if they are there," he whispered. "Alice will see anyway and Edward already knows. My crime is far more humiliating than any punishment inflicted and that is something that they are all very much aware of."
"Neither Edward nor Alice, will share what they know with the others and there is no point in adding to the humiliation you already feel. We will work out the details together to make sure that you receive what you need from this experience, but it can be accomplished when the children are at school or on some errand." Esme gave a soft sad laugh as she ran her fingers through her husband's thick fair hair. "I think sending them on a hunt or off to Port Angeles just might send up a red flag. Once they realize that they are all being sent away they will know something more than slightly abnormal is up."
"Maybe they would just think we needed some alone time."
Esme took hold of Carlisle's chin and raised his bowed head until he was looking up at her. "You are going to owe me some serious romantic togetherness after all of this, young man."
He smirked and snorted slightly at her comment. "I seem to remember having a good two and a half centuries on you, little miss, though I do admit that at this moment I feel every bit the belligerent youngster."
"You have been quite argumentative, Carlisle Cullen, but we'll curb that trait soon enough." Esme reached her hand down for Carlisle to take and helped him up to his feet as she smiled at her little joke in an attempt to lighten the mood.
Carlisle wrapped his arms around Esme and kissed her cheek before burying his head against her shoulder. Deeply inhaling her calming scent, he began to relax slightly even as the butterflies fluttered madly in his stomach. It had been three hundred and fifty years since Carlisle's last experience on the receiving end of corporal punishment, and the thought suddenly found him apprehensive.
"Carlisle, you're trembling. Are you alright?" Esme pushed him back and looked at him with great concern.
"Yes, I'm fine." He nodded then averted his eyes in embarrassment. "I'm relieved actually, but I think it's understandable for me to be somewhat nervous."
Esme serenely raked her fingers through his hair. "You can always call it off, sweetheart. No one would be the wiser and you know I would never demand that you go through something like this."
"No. No, I can't. This is something that I need to go through. I know that I will be relieved after. It's the getting there that is the hardest part."
"And you still haven't answered my question. When and where?"
"What? No 'how'?" He took a deep breath and smiled.
"I think I can handle the 'how' just fine."
"I would think either the study or bedroom will work nicely. Whichever makes you the most comfortable, since I know this is going to be just as hard if not harder on you than me." He swallowed nervously. "When is also up to you, but as soon as reasonably possible would be my preference. I would like to get through this as soon as possible so I can move on. We could address the problem as soon as we get back home if you would like. As I said, I don't have an issue with the children being there as long as they give us privacy, which I'm sure they would."
Esme nodded her head then sighed and shook it. "I'm not ready for this."
"I understand and am more than willing to work within your time table, just as long as you don't keep me waiting for months. I fear that the anxiety of waiting would get to me after a while."
"I wouldn't do that to you, lover." She thought for a few minutes as he silently watched her come to a decision. "Your next day off and I think we'll use the study."
Carlisle chuckled gaining him an odd look from his mate. "I'm sorry, honey, but it just suddenly sounded like a game of Clue. Mrs. Esme, in the study, with what have you."
Her husband's smirk caused Esme to laugh. He was obviously nervous, but there was a peacefulness in his manner that she hadn't even realized he had been missing. While she still did not like the idea one bit, there was no denying that it brought an ease to Carlisle and she was glad to be able to help him reach that point.
"Too bad we didn't add Clue to the movie list. I could have gone with a comedy." He smiled warmly. "Do you think they are still watching Harry Potter?"
Esme grinned. "I think it is probably over by now."
"They could have put on one of the other Potter films." Carlisle snaked his arm around his mate's waist as they began to walk back towards the house.
"True, but it depends on who was first to control the DVD player when it ended. I would place money on Em and say they are now watching A Nightmare on Elm Street."
"Hm. Well horror flicks are good for romance. Nothing like having your lady love jump in your arms so you can protect her during the scary parts." He gave her a sly wink.
"And what if it is the gentleman who needs protecting?"
"Mrs. Cullen, I have no problems snuggling in your arms so you can protect me from Freddy or any other boogeyman that the film industry can create."
Esme tugged on her mate's arm effectively stopping him and kissed him passionately. "If I didn't think the children would eventually send out a search party for us, I would be only too happy to reenact some classic romance scenes out here instead."
"I like how you think, Mistress Cullen. I'm sure Alice will inform the children to stay clear of the area while we create our own bit of theater. You know, maybe it really isn't that bad having a seer in the family, as long as it's not Emmett." Carlisle's eyes sparkled as he scooped a giggling Esme into his arms and carried her deeper in the forest.
AN: Once again Carlisle and Esme managed to wear me out. Don't think things are smooth sailing for the good doctor just yet. Esme may have given into his pitifulness but there is one more glitch to be overcome before Carlisle can finally gain the redemption that he seeks.
I have enjoyed writing all of my stories, but this convoluted monstrosity is my baby, guys so thanks so much to each and everyone for being there with me through it all. *hugs*
As always, special thanks to my wonderful beta, Splinter; making the story better one correction at a time. ;-)