"Anything, but that, Carlisle. I will agree to anything at all, but not ..." Esme turned her face away so she would not have to see the loathsome weapon in her gentle husband's hand. "I don't even know how you can bear to touch it. Please, put it away; I beg of you."

"Darling, I need you to listen to me. Let me explain myself before you refuse."

"Carlisle, I won't do it. I can't state it any plainer than that. There is no way in hell that I will hit you with that... that...abhorrent thing."

He sighed inwardly as he turned the implement over in hands before placing it carefully on top of the desk. Hanging his head, Carlisle whispered, "Then you condemn me to this incessant damnation."

Esme got up from her seat and went to her husband. Embracing him, she lightly stroked his hair as he buried his face against her chest. "No, my love, I said that I would help you with this guilt. I won't force you to continue to battle with that burden, but I won't beat you like your father did. I can't do that to you. I can't abuse you like that."

Wrapping his arms around her waist he muttered softly, "I'm not asking for you to abuse me, Esme. I'm asking for you to free me."

"And I will, darling, just not like that."

He inhaled deeply, but a few seconds later Esme noted that his breathing had ceased. Defeated, he allowed his knees to buckle as he suddenly slipped from her arms and crumbled into a heap at her feet. His wife dropped to her knees next to him as she continued to try to console him.

"Carlisle, talk to me. Let me help you, love."

He shook his head as he finally released the air trapped in his lungs. "You tried, Esme and I really do appreciate your willingness to help, but you can't. This is something that I will have to work out on my own."

Esme raked her fingers through her mate's hair. "Why are you being so obstinate? I've dealt with mules who were less stubborn than you." Gently grasping his chin, she brought his head up to face her then sighed at the forlorn look in his eyes. "Carlisle, I will blister your backside and see to it that you don't sit for days if that is what you feel you need, but it has to be by a method that I can live with."

"I have put you through enough, grá mo chroí." He drew back from her touch as he shook his head again. "I had no right to act so selfishly. This was too much to ask; too much of a strain on your tender heart. I won't inflict more stress on you, my sweet. Please, just leave me alone for a little while to sort out my thoughts and then we can move forward to enjoying our day." He lightly patted her hand which had come to rest on his leg as he forced a brief smile. "Everything is fine and I will be as well."

Esme remained silent as she chewed on her bottom lip while she studied her mate. She didn't want to ask it, but she felt the need to know. How could she be certain that she was acting in his best interest if she didn't? Steeling her courage to endure words that she didn't want to utter, knowing that they would bring about ones that she didn't want to hear, the matriarch softly inquired, "Why must that thing be incorporated for this punishment to be effective?"

Carlisle swallowed hard then he drew a breath before meeting his mate's eyes. "It is right for me." The hair on his arms and the back of his neck bristled as he mulled his reason over trying to find a way to convey the meaning to his lover. "I fear it, Esme. I fear it because of what it has done to me, but it also taught me to be the man that I am today. Whenever I did something wrong, I knew it would be there to put me back on track. Our histories are so intertwined that it is part of me. I know that this isn't something you can understand, no matter how hard you try, but I really do need it."

He bowed his head as he ran his hand through his hair nervously.

"You don't feel that I've done anything wrong. I can understand that, sweetheart, but I know that I have. Yes, my father whipped me excessively for things that he never should have. He also whipped me on several occasions where it was deserved." At a slight noise from his mate, Carlisle raised his hand while shaking his head. "He never needed to be as harsh as he was, but in fairness, there were several times that the strap was rightfully earned. As beaten as I was, as much as I hated the thrashing and cursed my father along with that blasted bit of hide, after the tears slowed I was left with a feeling of relieved and rejuvenation. It battered me, but it also healed.

My father birched me, switched me, took a buggy whip to me; none of those had the same healing effect on me. Those punishments would leave me broken and remorseful, but not healed; not whole again."

Esme straightened her back and squared her shoulders, subconsciously readying herself for battle. "If it has such mystical restorative properties, why don't you use that abomination on any of the children? Don't they deserve to feel whole again after their misdeeds?"

Carlisle closed his eyes momentarily as a pained expression marred his face. Glancing back to his mate, he sighed.

"Of course they do, darling and I like to believe I help them get there."

"Then why not use it if it does such a wonderful job?"

"Because it's mine, Esme. It works its power on me and me alone."

"But you don't know that, Carlisle. It might be fantastic for Jasper or Edward. Oh I know, how about Rosalie. Don't you think she could do with some soul healing after all she has had to endure?"

"Esme, I never did expect you to recognize the worth of this disciplinary tool. It's a very personal thing that no one else could ever really appreciate." He glanced down as he collected his thoughts. "Jasper made a paddle. That is something that is special to him and it speaks to him. I was, and still am, extremely reluctant to use it, but I did use it on him because it was something that he needed so he could let go and find peace. That is what this strap should be able to do for me, simply because of how familiar we are with each other."

"Should." Esme's dark eyes suddenly lit up. "You said should, which means that even you don't know that this really is what you need; it's just what you want."

Carlisle looked up and nodded, accepting his wife's victory. "You're right, honey, but the reason for that lack of knowledge is simple. I have never experienced it in a controlled way that will allow it to fully do what it was created for."

Her forehead creased as confusion held her tightly in its grip.

Her mate reached up and lightly caressed her cheek. "Esme, whenever I had a punishment coming for some misdeed, either real or invented, I was absolutely terrified. I really was never able to concentrate on the reason for my punishment or how I could have avoided it through correct behavior. All I could focus on was the pain and pray that it would end quickly instead of being made to endure a long draw out correction. My father certainly taught me a lesson, but it really wasn't one that he meant to teach. Instead of learning that this was a consequence that I brought upon myself through my misconduct, I learned that my father was not to be trusted. I learned that my father was someone to be feared. That is not the ideal mindset to be in when it comes to being disciplined, my love, but in spite of that I still managed to learn the lesson that the strap itself enforced. It taught me that I rightfully had to answer for wrong doing and that lesson made me a better man." He shifted slightly to more easily gaze deeply into his mate's eyes. "Imagine how much more effective it would have been in the hands of someone with whom I would not feel defensive because I knew that I would be safe in their charge."

He cleared his throat then took Esme's hands in his.

"In your hands, it will not only expunge my guilt, but you can use it in such a way that it will eradicate the fear that I have retained all this time. Esme, if you can find a way to come to peace with this you can not only save me, but you can also repair some of the damage that my father did. I am begging you; help rid me of this guilt and give me the ability to finally face my fear."

Carlisle's soft gaze pleaded with his wife who remained silent while appearing to contemplate his words. It was times like this that he envied Edward's gift. What he wouldn't give to know what she was thinking right now. He prayed that she would understand, but he knew better than to presume such a thing. An individual could not be expected to understand unless they had stood in his place; a situation he wished on no one.

Esme had experienced her own suffering at another's hands, so he knew she could relate to his fear. Because of what her human husband had inflicted upon her, his loving mate had been somewhat emotionally distant with him in their early years together. He had been very willing to give her the space and time that she had required to overcome the worst of her psychological scarring. She had drawn on his love and patience to allow her to rebuild her ability to trust and he had been happy to be her foundation, but now it was his turn to be the one in need.

"Carlisle, I…."

"Esme, it needn't be this symbolic frightful monster from my past, but the only person who can change my perspective, is the one person I trust explicitly." He brushed a strand of hair out of her face. "The one person in this world who holds my soul as well as my heart."

Esme groaned quietly then got to her feet and walked slowly towards the window while wringing her hands. Noiselessly, Carlisle came up behind her and placed his hand on her shoulder. She shook her head as she watched the trees blowing easily in the breeze.

"I genuinely don't know that I can," she whispered as she closed her eyes and bowed her head. "It's hard enough for me to accept the idea of punishing you at all, but to use that barbaric…." Her voice wavered as fear and grief invaded her spirit. She wanted to be strong for her mate and do what he needed done, but the fear that she could hurt him and further damage his psyche overwhelmed her. "Carlisle, I just can't see myself doing that."

"You won't harm me, Sweetheart. Use it lightly. Use it for a set number of strokes and then forgo it. Remember, how and how much it is used is up to you." His arms encircled his mate as he kissed the side of her neck. "I know I don't deserve to have a say in my punishment anyway, but I also know that this will work so I had to at least make an argument for the strap's use."

Esme sighed as she leaned forward, placing her head against the glass. "If I decide to use it, you won't try to get me to use it more harshly?"

"I give you my word that I will not."

"I am not saying that I will use it, Carlisle; please understand that, but if I do …."

"I will not interfere in any way. I turn full control over to you, Esme."

Lifting her head back up, Esme opened her eyes and looked at her mate's reflection as she strengthened her resolve. "Then I believe that we have put this off long enough, young man. Let's absolve you of your sin and be done with this once and for all."

Carlisle nodded as he released his hold on his wife and left her side to walk over to his desk. His fingers swiftly worked the fastenings of his slacks as he prepared to bare his backend to accept his punishment, when Esme's voice stopped him.

"What are you doing over there?"

He stilled with his thumbs tucked into his waistband and glanced at his mate. "I was just getting ready to bend over the desk."

"No, Carlisle, you are going across my knee for your spanking," Esme said very matter-of-factly.

He snorted as a smirk formed on his lips. "You can't be serious."

"I most certainly am. This is my call, Carlisle Cullen so you will do exactly as I say." Esme stood next to the loveseat positioned against the wall and slightly to the side of the window, where their children had a tendency to learn very valuable lessons of their own. "Come here, my boy and bring that monstrosity with you."

"Esme, really."

"Yes, Carlisle, really. Now get over here or we will just forget the entire thing."

Taking a breath, he picked up the strap and returned to her side as she settled down in the center of the small couch and patted her lap. "Come on."

"Don't you think this will be a bit awkward?"

"I find the entire proceeding to be awkward, but I will do this for you." With a visible shudder, she held out her hand to take the strap from her husband.

Carlisle held his breath as he laid the formidable implement in her palm then slipped his slacks down to his knees.

"Shorts too, Darling. If we're going to do this we might as well do it right." Esme cringed from the contact with Carlisle's weapon of choice, but put aside her disgust and placed the implement down next to her on the seat.

Carlisle quickly complied with her request before lowering himself onto the couch and over her lap. He swallowed hard then whispered, "Why this position?"

"Because I want this to be as different as possible to what you had to live through with your father. I'm doing this, because I care more for you than for myself, Carlisle Cullen. This statement has never been truer in the history of the world, but I really am doing this for your own good and I want you to be in constant contact with me. This was the best way I could think of to insure that is the case."

He nodded as he struggled against the unbalanced out of control feeling he was afforded. In an attempt to keep the majority of his weight off of his wife, Carlisle kept his feet on the floor while his forearms pressed into the seat cushion to support his upper body. While Esme attempted to adjust him into a better position, her mate's feet continued to slip and slide forcing him to battle for traction until a sharp swat caused him to freeze.

"Stop it. I know what you're doing and just stop it. I have you and I can handle this part just fine. You are supposed to be concentrating on the actions that landed you here. If you keep up this moving around you are not doing what you should be because your mind is obviously elsewhere. Now, settle yourself down, Carlisle and let me support you."

He felt her hands grasp his hips firmly and shift him forward until his feet left the floor and he was solidly positioned with his weight supported by both the loveseat and his loving wife. All pretense of control gone, Carlisle buried his head in his folded arms as a wave of nervousness came over him. In this ridiculous position he felt himself transported back through the centuries until he was no longer Carlisle Cullen, the leader of the Olympic Coven and patriarch to his family of vampires. Instead, he was just Pastor Cullen's young rebellious son whose behavior was about to be corrected once again.

Carlisle closed his eyes tightly as his vision became blurred by the venom tears he refused to shed.

"I know it's difficult, Darling, but I need you to try to calm down. The more you tense, the harder this will be on both of us."

"I'm sorry." He forced his breathing to slow and deepen while Esme lightly rubbed his lower back gently.

"There you go. That's good, Carlisle. You're doing well," his mate encouraged before she tightened her hold around his waist. "Young man, I don't want you to think about anything apart from why you are in this situation. I don't expect there to be a repeat of your unacceptable behavior and to see to it that there isn't, I'm going to give you something to think about the next time you feel that you are about to lose your temper with one of your children. Physical altercations between family members are not allowed. You know this rule, but you chose to ignore it and now you will pay the consequence for your actions. Once we are through here, there will be no more need to ruminate over this incident. I want it completely dropped. Am I making myself clear enough for you?"

Carlisle nodded in response to his mate's quiet chiding before swallowing and answering, "Yes, ma'am."

"That's my good boy."

She felt more than heard him sigh before he mumbled, "I don't feel like a good boy at all."

Moving her hand from his lower back to rest lightly on his behind Esme quietly reassured him, "We're just about to fix that, Carlisle. Are you ready?"

"As ready as I'm going to be."

The strokes started out slow and relatively light, but steady as Esme peppered every inch of Carlisle's backside. He bit his tongue to prevent himself from asking her to strike harder as he reminded himself that his wife was the one in control. Steadily, Esme increased her pace and power until the stinging of her hand told her that her husband was in increasing discomfort even if he had made no sound.

A tear rolled down the matriarch's cheek as she continued to inflict pain upon her stoic mate. She knew better, but had hoped that he would break sooner than later. Apparently, the decades between his human life and his current life had not been enough time to temper his stubborn resolve to suffer in silence.

Carlisle had tried to deny his father the satisfaction of knowing that he was affected by punishment which, by his own admission, he had failed to do. Now he felt that he needed to be silent to protect his mate from any guilt that his outcry would cause her. He knew that he would break because he had to if his sins were to be purged, but he would hold out as long as possible. He would not allow her to suffer his wailing, but he also felt guilty due to the knowledge that his mate would have to work hard for his tears.

"Carlisle, it's alright to let go."

"I know, but I'm not ready." She could hear the tension in his voice as he fought to keep it quiet and level.

With a sigh she slowed her strokes as she spoke firmly, "You said that this punishment needs to be long and hard and that is exactly what you will receive. It won't be easy on either of us, but I am not going to stop until I feel that I have fulfilled that requirement. Your tears will not stop me until I truly believe that you have learned your lesson. You don't have to prove your strength to me, Carlisle and the more energy you put into fighting me, the less you are putting into reforming your behavior. I expect better from you, Carlisle Cullen." She ended her rebuke with a series of harder strokes that caused her mate to bite the inside of his cheek to force himself to keep quiet.

While Carlisle was able to maintain his silence, his body betrayed the effects of the punishing blows. Even as he fought against it, his self-preservation over rode his stoic resolve and forced him to writhe within Esme's firm grasp as his behind sought relief. To her credit, Esme was having none of his foolishness. She drew him more firmly against her body while slapping the back of his thighs sharply and was rewarded by a nearly silent gasp.

"Holy sh…."

The hardest strike yet collided with the tender flesh at the crease where his rump met his thigh causing Carlisle to hiss through gritted teeth.

"Carlisle Cullen!" Esme admonished. "You would not allow vulgar outbursts from your children when they are in this very same position; I will not have it coming from you. Young man, are you looking to get yourself into worse trouble?"

He sucked in his breath and managed to gasp, "No, ma'am. I'm sorry, love. Please forgive my near blunder."

"Just don't let it happen again."

He nodded while he balled up his hands into tight fists as the stinging burn increased in his hindquarters.

As engrossed as he was in battling his discomfort, Carlisle didn't notice that his wife's hand had ceased its attack until a loud crack preceded a deep familiar burning sensation. His body stiffened at the stroke and his breath suddenly caught in his chest. Carlisle rapidly blinked back the tears stinging his eyes.

"Carlisle?"

With his trembling body betraying him, he swallowed hard to clear his throat before whispering, "It's fine. I'm alright."

"Don't lie to me."

He struggled to catch his breath then lifted his head to glance over his shoulder. "It's just the fear, Esme. Really, I'm okay."

She didn't seem convinced, but she still held the strap so he knew that she hadn't completely rejected it, yet.

"You just caught me a little off guard, Sweetheart. I'm ready to continue when you are." He gave her a weak shaky smile before putting his head back down.

After a few seconds, the silence was broken by another hard stroke.

Carlisle's breath rushed from his body in a loud hiss as the strap bit into his unprotected skin a third time. A chill raced down his spine that caused the hair on his arms to stand upright as his body tensed so hard that his toes curled while he rode the crest of the pain. It's not that bad. You have been through worse. You can handle….Christ! Oh God, forgive me, but I am sorry for attempting to harm my son. I will never allow my control to slip like that again. He grunted as the carefully oiled smooth leather extracted its price for his infraction.

Esme snapped the strap against her husband's flank a final time then carefully placed it back down. She slowly rubbed her mate's burning behind trying to ease a bit of the sting before landing a solid stroke with her hand to feed the flames.

Carlisle's head shot up as he gasped for air out of reflex instead of need. He was still fighting but his obstinacy was beginning to wane; just not soon enough for Esme.

While she fell back into a steady rhythm, Esme's mind searched feverishly for traces of memory from her childhood. Most of her fragmented memories from that time were happy, but her mischievous ways were prone to getting her into trouble. There had been a couple of times that she could recall being sent to her room to await punishment and once or twice where she had accompanied her father out to the barn after some major faux pas. Her father's hand had made an impression on her, but it was his words that were more effective at bringing about remorse in his little girl.

After another volley of swats Esme spoke to her mate very calmly and clearly. "I'm disappointed in you, Carlisle. I'm disappointed that you would allow yourself to get into this predicament. You are the head of this family and the others look to you to set the example that they should follow. You should be above petty altercations and you should also have the courage to open up with me.

Stop this bullheaded battle that you're putting up as a defense from having to deal with your grief. By holding back you are still fighting me for the control that you promised to hand over to me. Let go, Carlisle and trust that I won't let you fall. If you can't do that it proves that you really don't trust me at all."

She punctuated her words with a mild whack which was rewarded in having her mate's body suddenly fall limp as the tension drained from his muscles.

Silent tears caused Carlisle's shoulders to shake while his bottled up pain, guilt and grief broke free. He wept like a child, across Esme's lap as she maintained her hold around his waist and gently rubbed his back to offer comfort.

"It's okay, baby." She cooed softly. "Let it all go. It's over, my love and I'm happy to say that we have both survived."

AN: For Carlisle it just had to be OTK. He needed loving discipline like he dishes out so there really was no other way to go. *grins*

And this one is just about complete...finally. *breathes sigh of relief* One more chapter for a little after care for Carlisle and then a bit of a wrap up epilogue and we are done. I'll admit it, folks, this sucker took me places that I didn't plan on going. Happy to have had all the good company along the way. Thanks so much, y'all. *hugs*

Many many thanks to Splinter for loaning me her skills. She is kinda like my Mighty Mouse coming to save the day. ;-)

Of course, once "Pasts" is done I still have "Dark Justice" to focus on, but if anyone has any ideas or request I'm always open to suggestions.