"Harley!" shouted the Joker, keeping his eyes fixed down on the paper in front of him. "Harley! I need a ruler!"
He had been sketching a series of intricate plans in order to trap Batman. Now that the sketches were becoming clearer, he wanted to make sure they looked appropriately well-thought out, and nothing said firm determination like a perfectly straight line. Plus he hated messy blueprints. Not that he was OCD or anything – he just enjoyed method in his madness.
"Harley! Ruler, you useless dame! Now!" he shouted again, as he idly drew a few more knives in Batman's chest. He supposed he could always get up and go get the ruler himself, but it was all the way across the room, and Harley was probably closer, wherever she was. And what was the point of keeping her around if he didn't use her? Worthless woman. Never around when you needed her, just all the other twenty-three hours of the day, clinging to him like a noose around a condemned man's neck. But it was unusual for her not to have come by now…
"Harley!" he yelled. "I'm gonna get up and beat your face in with a ruler if you don't bring me one right now!"
A ruler was suddenly placed into his hand. "Bout damn ti…" he began, but suddenly leapt back with a surprised shriek when he realized that it wasn't Harley who had handed him the ruler. It was Batman.
"You…you're not supposed to be here!" he exclaimed, hurrying to cover the plans. "How did you even find this hideout?!"
"It's an abandoned warehouse belonging to Funnibone Shipping," retorted Batman. "You could hide someplace truly unexpected, or someplace that suits your image. You'll always go for the latter."
"Touche," retorted Joker. "Well, since you haven't attacked me yet, I can only assume you're not, in fact, going to beat me senseless and have instead come here on a personal visit, in which case I feel I should offer you a drink. Harley!" he shouted. "Come in here and make Bats a drink!"
There was no response. "Harley! Don't be rude! We have company! Get in here and be a good hostess, you utter waste of space!" he shouted.
Again, no response. Joker gave a nervous chuckle as Batman just looked at him. "I have trained her, Bats, I promise," he said. "Harley! You're embarrassing me! Get your worthless ass in here right now!"
"I thought it was a joke at first," said Batman, quietly. "But you really don't know, do you?"
"Know what?" he demanded. "Harley! Now!"
"Harley's not here," he retorted. "She's been kidnapped."
"No, she's not, she's just being lazy," he snapped. "Harley, if you don't get in here right now…"
"She's been kidnapped," repeated Batman, firmly.
"Don't be ridiculous, Bats!" snapped Joker. "Who would kidnap Harley? She's completely useless!"
"The Creeper," retorted Batman.
"Who?" asked Joker, puzzled.
"The Creeper," repeated Batman. "The man you called a lunatic."
Joker thought for a moment. "Oh, him!" he exclaimed, suddenly. "George of the Jungle! Complexion of a lemon! Really doesn't have the figure to pull off that costume! That guy?"
"Insane crush on Harley Quinn," added Batman. "Yes, that guy."
Joker whistled. "Well, that's unlucky. For Harley, I mean. When did this happen?"
"Three days ago," retorted Batman. "How do you not know?"
"I've been working, Bats," he retorted. "I'm a driven guy. The world is dead to me when I'm working. Which is appropriate, since I'm often working on how to make the world dead!" he chuckled.
Batman continued to stare at him. "I know it's the Creeper who kidnapped her," he continued, as if Joker hadn't spoken. "I found traces of his boa at the scene. But I don't know where he's keeping her. I thought I could ask you for some insight into the Creeper's thoughts, since both your minds were twisted by the same chemicals."
"Please don't compare me to that unfunny psychopath in any way," sniffed Joker. "We may have had the same unfortunate accident befall us, but we are, I assure you, two completely different types of men."
"Certainly where Harley is concerned," agreed Batman, nodding. "But there's definitely a case to be made that he's the more crazy version of you."
The light in Joker's eyes suddenly turned murderous. "Watch it, Bats," he hissed. "Nobody out-crazies the Joker, you hear me? Nobody."
"He's certainly out-smarted me on this one, which is something you still haven't been able to do," retorted Batman. "Anyway, if you don't have any ideas, which I didn't really think you would, I also came by to pick up a piece of Harley's clothing. There's a gadget I have that can track traces of people from their clothes, a bit like a dog tracking a person's scent."
"Do you call it the Bat-dog?" chuckled Joker.
"I call it the Bat-tracer," retorted Batman.
"I knew it would be Bat-something!" laughed Joker. "Aw, Bats, you're so predictable! But sure, you can have anything of Harley's you want – I'm sure she won't mind. Harley!" he shouted "Bring Bats one of your…oh, wait, that's right, she's been kidnapped," he said, remembering and chuckling. "I'll just show you our room and you can help yourself."
Joker led him down the hall. He opened the door to reveal a purple room decorated with souvenirs of previous encounters with Batman, newspaper clippings detailing Joker's crimes, and novelty joke items. The bed was purple, with purple sheets, and a little Joker and Harley doll lay on their separate pillows.
"Harley's closet's on the left," said Joker, nodding. Batman went over and tripped slightly over another doll on the floor. "Oh, that's…um…Harley's," said Joker, quickly, as Batman picked it up. It was a Batman doll.
He dropped it and went over to the closet, selecting one of Harley's tops. He scanned it with a gadget at his belt, and it began to beep. He nodded. "It's tracing her. If I plug it into the Batmobile I should be able to drive straight to her location. Are you coming?"
"Aw, Bats, you know I'd always love to share a wacky adventure with you!" exclaimed Joker, beaming. "But since you're on the case, I'm sure you have everything under control. Anyway, I am working…"
"Are you scared of him?" interrupted Batman.
"Scared? I'm the Joker, Batsy, I ain't scared of nothing," he retorted.
"Then you'll come with me to save your girlfriend from a raving maniac, won't you?" asked Batman.
"Look, I'm a busy man, and I don't really have the time to get Harley out of this mess she's gotten herself into, so why don't you just…"
Batman cuffed him and dragged him out of the warehouse and into the Batmobile. "As I was saying, why don't you just handcuff me and take me to the Batmobile so we can be on our way?" chuckled Joker. "Gotta say, this should be a blast, you, me, Harley, Lemon Man, sounds like a recipe for a lotta fun!"
Batman was silent, as he returned to the front seat and drove off. "So how's the family, Bats?" asked Joker. "How's your kid? How old is he now, anyway? About the same age as the first Boy Blunder when I beat him to death, or a little younger?"
Batman didn't respond, staring straight ahead. "And how's the Bat-dame?" he continued. "Do you and she have a thing going on? I think I feel some tension between you when you're both beating me up. Aw, c'mon, admit it! We're best buddies – you can tell me! I don't blame you if there is, y'know – feisty little minx in a skin-tight costume, I mean, what man in his right mind or out of it could resist that? I don't with mine, let me tell you! And there's definitely something exciting in the whole power game thing, isn't there? You know, the fact that she's under your control and trusts you and does what you tell her – that's pretty hot, am I right? I know I am. You and me, Batsy, we are the same type of man, not like that yellow freak! The only difference is I take advantage of the girl in my power, while you seem almost incapable of forming relationships with anyone except me and other criminals. Kinda sad, isn't it, Batsy? Do you ever get lonely? Is that why you're brooding all the time? Is that why…"
"If you don't stop talking, I will gag you," snapped Batman. "And I haven't washed the gag from the last time I used it on Poison Ivy. I don't think you want what she's got."
"Nah, I don't know where she's been," agreed Joker. "She gets around, you know, like those dandelion seeds you blow. And she does things with plants you wouldn't believe, or so Harley tells me. You wanna hear about that? C'mon, Bats, I know you're curious…"
"The gag threat still stands," interrupted Batman.
"Fine, fine," muttered Joker. "But I hate silence. It's so tense and awkward. Can I at least whistle?"
"Not unless you want to whistle through the gap in your teeth in future," muttered Batman.
"Can I hum?" pressed Joker. "Please, Batsy? I'll be your best friend."
"You may sing, quietly, to yourself," retorted Batman.
Joker chuckled. "Thanks, Bats, you're the best!" he grinned. Then he began to sing: "I'm in the mood for love, simply because you're near me. Funny, but when you're near me, I'm in the mood for love…"
Batman's hands tightened on the wheel, but he kept his eyes fixed on the tracer. Almost there, he told himself. Almost there.