Wow! Ok so I have gotten lots of follows and favorites! Thank you so much! That at least tells me that people are actually reading and enjoying it so that is so awesome! Writing and reading is my escape…so I am happy if I can provide that for anyone. A few things I want to say before you read this chapter…
One…I honestly don't know if Alexis would react this way. We all know her character is very level headed and put together but hey—this is fiction right? Same goes for Kate's character.
Second…I am sorry this is such a long chapter but I knew where I wanted to cut it…and there was a lot that happened in between. I could have separated it at another point…but I really wanted to keep the two story lines together.
Third…I am so sorry for any confusion—no Castle and Beckett are not together in this story…yet ;).
Keeping that in mind (and the disclaimer that I own nothing)—I hope you enjoy
When Kate got to Alexis' room the door was shut so she knocked, "Hey Lex it's me…can I come in?" When she received no answer she tried again, "Come on Alexis, please?" When she received no answer she decided to just go in. She opened the door and slowly walked in. Her heart broke as she saw the young girl sitting on her bed squeezing her pillow, tears falling down her face. She went and sat next to Alexis on the bed. She expected Alexis to pull away but instead she let go of her pillow and latched on to Kate for dear life. "Oh sweetheart," she said as she held the girl as tight as she could. When she felt Alexis calm down a little she pulled away enough to look at her, "Honey please talk to me." She said as she wiped the tears off of Alexis' face.
Alexis just shook her head, "I don't want to talk about it."
"Come on Lex its just me...talk to me."
"Just forget it Kate."
Kate sighed. "No Alexis," she said sternly, "I'm not just going to forget it. I'm sorry but I care about you too much to 'just forget it'."
By this time Castle had wandered up the stairs. He was not intending to listen in on their conversation but Alexis' door was cracked and…oh who was he kidding? He knew he should give them privacy but it was his little girl and she was upset. When he heard what she said next he stopped in his tracks.
"Well I don't know why you care…my own mother doesn't…"
Castles blood boiled when he heard this. Meredith had no right to do this to Alexis.
"Alexis that's not true…" Kate started but Alexis interrupted her.
"And why should she I'm a horrible daughter!" Alexis practically yelled.
"Alexis Castle! I never want to hear you say anything like that ever again!" Alexis looked away so Kate gently grabbed her face, "Alexis, you are NOT a horrible daughter! You are the best daughter anyone could ask for."
"Well my own mother doesn't even want to be a part of my life. And I am a horrible daughter! I….I called someone else mom!"
"Alexis…" Kate tried again, but she decided it was better to let her vent.
"I am so so sorry Kate! I really didn't mean to say that it just…came out. You've just been so sweet to me today and everything you did for me…my mom has never even done that and it just…it was nice to have a girl to talk to about stuff and...ugh you must think I'm such an awful person. I love my mom, really I do its just…it never feels like she's my mom. It's like she's the fun aunt who comes to visit and take you out once and a while. She knew how much this weekend meant to me but that didn't matter to her! Why? Why doesn't she care? Why…"
Kate cut her off there, "ALEXIS," she said more sternly. That got her attention. "Honey, take a few deep breaths ok?" Once Alexis did that Kate continued, "Ok, first-you have NOTHING to be sorry about alright. Second-I could NEVER think you are an awful person. And finally…your mom DOES care, I promise."
"Yeah right…"
By this time Castle has sat down in the hallway. He put his head in his hands…what was he going to do. On one hand he wanted to call Meredith and tell her off but…ok… there were no buts, he decided. He just wanted to call her and tell her off.
"Alexis you know she cares she just…has her own way of showing it."
"Right…by ditching me constantly?"
"I…Lex…" Kate didn't know what to say…Alexis had a point. So, she decided on just being honest with the girl. She took a deep breath, "Look, I know that it must feel that way and I am so, so sorry it does…but I promise you Alexis—your mother love you, so much. Regardless of how busy she is…that will never change."
Castle couldn't believe what he was hearing. Kate had been furious with Meredith for hurting Alexis, but here she was defending her in order to make Alexis feel better. She was truly incredible.
"You're defending her!?" Alexis said immediately getting defensive, "You said you were always here for me, you're supposed to be on my side!"Alexis was nearly yelling when she finished the sentence. She swung her legs over the bed to run out of the room but Kate grabbed her wrist to stop her.
"Hold it right there young lady!" Alexis tried to pull away but Kate didn't let her. She pulled Alexis back down on the bed but she refused to meet Kate's eyes, "I am NOT defending her! And I AM on your side Alexis…I will ALWAYS be on your side." Kate sighed, "Sweetie look at me." When that didn't work she tried again, "Alexis…" When Alexis finally looked at her Kate's heart broke as she saw fresh tears in her blue eyes. She took Alexis face in her hands, "Honey, no one, and I mean NO ONE… no one or nothing, could keep me from being on your side."
Alexis looked down again and softly spoke, "One day when you see it..."
At first Kate was confused…but then it dawned on her. Oh no…no no no. That could not be what she meant. If it was…oh…a new round of anger at the girl's mother flooded through her body.
Outside the door Castle was having similar thoughts. If his daughter said what he thought she was going to say, forget calling Meredith to scream at her-forget that. He would go to New York to scream at her in person.
Kate was almost afraid to ask, "Alexis….what am I going to see?"
Alexis pulled her hands away from Kate and wiped her eyes. "You know what Kate, I'm fine. It's really no big deal. I'm sorry…I got a little emotional, I shouldn't have. I'm ok. I'm just gonna go take a shower and read before I go to bed."
Castle heard Alexis get off the bed and he jumped to his feet, listening to see if she was coming toward the door and ready to flee so he wouldn't be caught.
"Alexis please…." Kate sighed as she got off the bed and walked over to where Alexis was now searching for a t-shirt and pajama pants in her dark cherry wood dresser. "You need to talk about this…"
Rick held his breath listening to see if he was going to have to make a break for it or not.
Alexis didn't even stop to look back at Kate as she went to grab a pair of white socks from her top right drawer, "No I don't Kate. I don't need to talk about it because I'm fine. It's no big deal. It's over and done and like I said, I got a little emotional and I shouldn't have but its fine so…no need to talk about it ok. I'm gonna take a shower."
Kate ran a hand through her hair…only able to think of one thing to do. It's what Lanie had done to her one time when she needed to talk but wouldn't because she was to damn stubborn. But…should she do it? Alexis was a kid not an adult but…she was certainly acting like an adult and heck, she was more mature than her father, they all knew that. But…would it just upset her more? Oh hell, she didn't have this time to think about it-Alexis was almost to the door and she had to do something. So, remembering Lanie's words she took a breath and got her best interrogation voice ready. 'Here goes nothing,' she thought. "BULLSHIT Alexis!" She didn't scream it but there was authority in her voice. She was proud she was able to muster her detective voice and confidence when, right now, she was anything but confident. She had no clue if she was doing the right thing. But…when Alexis heard her she stopped in her tracks, hand on the doorknob-to stunned to keep walking out.
When Castle heard Alexis' footsteps he started to quickly walk away but stopped as he heard Kate's stern voice. What the….what was she doing? Did she just say…oh boy…'Kate what is your plan here?' Castle muttered to himself. He slowly walked back to his listening place, standing in case her plan didn't work and he had to flee.
When Alexis froze Kate let out a silent breath, 'ok…ok so far so good,' she thought. Kate started slowly walking towards Alexis and, still using her interrogation voice, just a little softer, she continued, "That's bullshit Alexis, and you know it! It's not fine, YOU'RE not fine!" Kate stopped when she got close to the door, wanting to give Alexis her space. Alexis was still frozen with her hand on the doorknob, her back to Kate. Kate saw her hand grip the doorknob tightly while she held her clothes to her chest with her other, "Now…cut the CRAP kid, sit down, and talk to me!"
Alexis finally turned around and Kate could tell she was fighting tears. It killed her that Alexis was always trying to be so strong and mature. Kids weren't supposed to do that. "I…" Alexis didn't even know what to say. She just sunk down the wall next to her door sitting on the floor, dropping her clothes and wrapping her arms around her knees.
Kate sat down in front of her. The tough love got through to her, good. Now, she just needed to get her to talk. Still using Lanie's words, as they were appropriate for Alexis as well, Kate softened her voice. "You know, you don't always have to be so strong Alexis." That was all it took and before she knew it, Alexis buried her head in her knees, sobbing. "Oh Lex…" she sighed as she wrapped her arms around Alexis, holding her as tight as she could. Alexis lifted her head from her knees and buried it in Kate's shoulder.
When Castle heard Alexis sobbing he sat back down against the wall, knowing it was safe for now. He shook his head. His daughter was sobbing-she was so upset she broke in front of Kate. That…Alexis didn't do that. And no one would get away with hurting his baby that much…even if it was her mother. He got his phone out of his pocket and in haste typed a text to Meredith.
'pity you aren't able to see how much you are hurting your daughter. She is in her room sobbing because of you! I'm going to make sure you never do this to her again. She doesn't need you and you want to know why? She has me, and my mother but most of all, she doesn't need to because she has Kate. That's right…she has Kate-who is more of a mother to her than you have ever been. She has never, and would never, do anything to hurt Alexis. And Alexis trusts her and loves her more than she will ever love you. You're going to lose your daughter Meredith. Hell, you already have lost her. So, when she starts calling someone else mom, and wanting to be with them instead of you because they actually love her and don't hurt her, don't you DARE complain to me. Don't call me upset because you aren't going to see your daughter.'
He re-read the message. To mean? Should he send it? He couldn't do it. He wanted to…he really wanted to but…he he had to be the adult here right? As weird as that seemed. He sighed and deleted the message, listening as Kate continued to try and comfort Alexis.
When Kate felt Alexis calm down a little she pulled back to look at the girl. Alexis looked up at her with red-rimmed eyes, "honey," she said as she wiped the tears off the girls cheek, "It's ok. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."
Alexis looked down, "for now…" she said softly. So softly Kate almost didn't hear it.
"What? Alexis…this has to do with what you said earlier doesn't it?" Alexis just nodded. 'Please,' Kate thought, 'Please don't let her say what I think she's going to say'. "Alexis, what am I going to see?" When Alexis didn't answer Kate put her hand on her knee and squeezed it, "Alexis please, tell me. What am I going to see? And what do you mean by 'for now'?"
"Ask Meredith." Alexis said, her voice shaky and full of distain as she said her mother's name.
"Alexis..." Kate's heart shattered into a million pieces for the girl sitting in front of her who couldn't even stand to call her mother 'mom'. Man she wanted to give Meredith a piece of her mind. She had to remember though that right now, Alexis was more important that telling the woman off. That…that would come later. And it WOULD happen.
"She…she obviously already sees it…"
"Sees WHAT Alexis? What is it? What does your mom see? What am I going to see?" She knew what Alexis was going to say…but Alexis needed to say it. And she was still hoping she was wrong because if she was right and she heard Alexis say that….it would just kill her. She could tell Alexis was struggling. She knew she wanted to tell her but was also afraid to. "Alexis you can tell me anything, you know that."
"I…I don't know what exactly. It's just…whatever…whatever…"
"Whatever what baby?" Kate said softly trying to encourage her. As much as she didn't want to hear it…they needed to talk about it.
Alexis took a deep breath and looked down, "Whatever's wrong with me."
And there it was. Even though Kate expected it, it still hit her like a ton of bricks.
Kate had to keep her own tears at bay as she grabbed Alexis' hands and bent her head down to meet her eyes, "Alexis nothing, NOTHING, is wrong with you. It has nothing at all to do with you, it's…" Man, how did she say this without telling the kid her mother was just a horrible person.
Alexis shook her head, "Yeah, yeah I know…it's not me it's her. Dad tells me that all the time."
"But you don't believe it?" Kate asked softly.
"Kate she makes time for everyone else except me. All of her friends, her agents, producers, she has time for everyone BUT me! How could it not be me? I'm her daughter…if she can make time for everyone else…people she isn't related to…it HAS to be me."
"Alexis…" Kate started but then stopped. She could tell Alexis was losing control and that was what the girl needed. She needed to get it out…she needed to be upset, mad, and angry. Hell, she was upset, mad, and angry.
"I just…what is it Kate? What did I do? What is wrong with me? Do you see it? When are you going to see it? When are you gonna want nothing to do with me too? I know it's only a matter of time but…I just have to know what it is and I can't…I can't figure it out." Alexis started
sobbing again, "Please Kate just tell me. I…I need to know. Please!"
Outside, Rick felt his eyes tearing up. This was what he was afraid Alexis was going to say.
"Oh Alexis…" Kate said cupping her cheek, fighting to not lose the battle with her tears.
"Kate please…what is it? I try so hard to…to be a good daughter. I g..go with her when she wants me to. I nev…never get mad at her. Never t…tel..tell her I'm upset with her." Alexis could barely get the words out between her sobs.
Alexis was taking shallow breaths and she put a hand on her head-Kate guessed because she was getting lightheaded. Kate realized she was so upset she was on the verge of hyperventilating, "Alexis…Alexis you need to calm down ok…I don't want you to pass out on me."
"Wh…why am I not good enoug..enough. I just..I just wa..want a..a mo..mom. I jus..I'm no..not good enou..enough. I won..won't have an…any" Kate started getting worried as Alexis got more pale and her breaths became more shallow. Alexis was so upset she was panicking. Kate knew the signs. Although she never told anyone, she had had this after her mom was killed. Images of her mother in that dark alley would send her in a panic many nights. Alexis looked at Kate with fear in her eyes, "Kate I...I can't breathe."
Kate grabbed Alexis' hands tightly and placed them with hers above her heart so Alexis could feel her steady breaths. "Alexis just look at me ok. You feel me breathing, just breath with me in and out," Alexis looked so scared, "You're ok Alexis you're ok-I promise. Just keep focusing on me and breathing with me ok." Alexis nodded as she tried to breathe-gripping Kate's hands as tight as she could.
Once Alexis calmed down enough to talk her look turned from fear to confused, "Kate? What…"
Kate squeezed her hands tight, "Lex you had a panic attack."
"Wha? But…but why? I…"
"You've never talked about this have you? About how much it really hurts you…" Alexis just looked down so Kate tugged her arm to make her look at her, "Sweetie you can't do that. You can't just hold it in and keep it all to yourself. When you do…this happens. Things-they build up. You have to talk about it." After a few moments of silence Kate spoke up softly, "Lex why have you been doing this? Why haven't you talked to someone about it?" Alexis just shrugged her shoulders and Kate sighed.
After a few moments of silence Alexis spoke up softly, "Kate?"
"Yeah?"
'I…I'm sorry I kind of yelled at you earlier."
Kate smiled and scooted to sit next to Alexis against the wall, "Talk to me and we're even…"
Alexis nodded but it was a few minutes before she broke the silence, "I'm so sick of this Kate," she said whispering.
"I know sweetie…"
"No I mean…I'm sick of pretending. I'm sick of acting like it's no big deal that she never keeps her promises. I'm sick of acting like its ok! I'm sick of…of…"
She saw Alexis struggling so she jumped in whispering, "Of acting like it doesn't hurt you?" Alexis just nodded, another tear slipping down her cheek. Kate grabbed her hand and squeezed her tight-more of Lanie's words coming out of her mouth, "you don't have to pretend honey. It's ok to be mad or angry or upset. And it's ok to talk about it. I know you try and be the adult and be strong and independent...but it doesn't make you weak Alexis. It's ok to ask for help, it's ok to fall apart and be sad. I already told you, you don't always have to be so strong all the time."
Kate couldn't help but wonder what Castle would think if he heard this. He would probably laugh and say she was the pot calling the kettle black-or have some other witty response, including one about her taking her own advice-she wished she could. She had no idea Castle was right outside the door having those exact thoughts.
"How do I not care anymore?" Alexis asked all of the sudden, shaking Kate from her thoughts. "How do I not let it upset me? I just…I just wish it didn't hurt so much."
"Oh honey. I…I wish there was some magic words that could fix it…" Alexis just looked down, "but you know…I think this is a start. Talking about things always helps. It doesn't mean it won't hurt but…not pretending anymore, and giving yourself permission to be mad and upset…it will make it better. And I know you don't want to tell your mom how you feel but I really think if you do it will help."
"But if I tell her she'll just get all defensive and angry then I will never see her." Alexis shook her head, "God I'm so pathetic."
"What?" Kate asked in disbelief.
"I'm pathetic," she repeated, "I mean…all she does is hurt me. I shouldn't want to see her or have anything to do with her…"
"Alexis you are not pathetic! She's your mother, of course you care and want to spend time with her."
"But…but how can I be so angry with her and worried about her being mad at me at the same time? If I'm angry shouldn't that mean I don't care?"
Kate put her arm around the young girl, "I wish it was that simple Alexis but…when we love someone, things are never simple."
"I just, I don't want to care anymore. Every time she tells me she's coming I try not to get my hopes up because I know how she is but I just…I can't help it. It makes me feel so stupid."
Kate nodded, now this she could completely understand, "Alexis if I tell you something I've never told anyone can you keep a secret?" Alexis nodded.
Castle started wondering if he should leave. If she was going to say something she didn't want anyone else hearing he really shouldn't be listening right? But he couldn't resist listening. He had a feeling that he was about to get another piece to the puzzle that was Katherine Beckett.
"I know EXACTLY how you feel. After my mom died and my dad started drinking I...he told me so many times he was going to stop. It would go for 1 month or 3 months and I would think great, I have my dad back this is amazing. And then…he would fall back off the wagon and it would start all over again. Every time he told me he stopped drinking I would tell myself now, don't get to hopeful you know what's going to happen but in the back of my mind I couldn't help but hope this time would be it…that this was the time I was going to get my dad back. No matter how many times I told myself not to believe it…there was always a part of me that was hopeful, even though I was afraid to be. He has been sober for 7 years…7 years and I…there is still a part of me that is afraid to be hopeful even after all this time. On her birthday, or on the anniversary of her death I…I always hold my breath because I know it'll only take one little drink for him to slip but I…I can't help be a little hopeful because he's my dad."
Alexis looked stunned, "Kate I…I'm so sorry I didn't know…"
Kate smiled, "That wasn't the point sweetie. The point is…when we love someone, there is always going to be a little part of you that hopes you can believe in that person no matter how many times they've hurt you. When we love someone, we can't give up on them. I don't know if that fear ever goes away but…I do think it's normal to continue to want to believe in someone you love-no matter how much we don't want to."
"So you felt stupid to?"
"You know…I did, every time. I felt very stupid and I would get angry at myself. I would beat myself up because it felt like it was my fault because I let myself believe," Alexis nodded her understanding, "But…" she continued, "even though that is how it feels…you have to know it is NOT stupid of you. Having hope? That's a good thing-never get mad at yourself or feel stupid for being hopeful ok?"
"Ok," Alexis said as she leaned her head on Kate's shoulder. Kate smiled as she gently rested her head on top of Alexis'. "Since you told me something if…if I tell you something I've never told anyone…will you keep it a secret?"
Kate lifted her head to look at the girl, "Our same rule as always honey-as long as it's not something that puts you or anyone else in danger, your secrets safe with me."
Castle smiled. This was why he trusted Kate with his life. Although the first time his daughter had talked to her before him he was a little upset, he was never worried. He knew if it was something big, if Alexis was in any kind of trouble, Kate would not hesitate to tell him.
Alexis took a deep breath, "I just, I…I love my mom I do-I promise. I really love her but sometimes I just wish...she was more like you or you were my mom or…it's just…you've been so sweet to me and you actually care about me and spend time with me-my own mom doesn't even do that and it's nice to actually have someone and I just want a mom that that actually cares and…oh God I AM a horrible daughter," Alexis said as she brought her knees up and buried her head in them.
"Alexis..." she said rubbing her back.
Alexis looked up at her, "I'm so sorry Kate I'm so sorry I just…I just wish she cared and you do care and I don't' get how you can care but my own mom can't and…I 'm really sorry I shouldn't have said anything I don't…"
"Lex.," Kate interrupted, "I think that is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me so please do not be sorry. I wish more than anything I could give you a mom that would treat you the way you deserve and I am so sorry I can't but...I CAN give you someone that cares about you and will always be here for you. And I know it doesn't seem like it but I promise you, your mom DOES care. She may not be the best at showing it but she does care and she does love you. You have to believe that. And no matter what Alexis you will have me ok. I can't change your mom and I know it's not the same but…I'm here. I'll always be here." Alexis looked at Kate with disbelief and doubt, "you don't believe me do you?'
"Kate my mom left, Gina left…my dad has been through so much. They really hurt him; both of them and when you leave I...I don't know how he'll deal. I just don't want him to get hurt. I just worry about him being attached and…"
Kate interrupted her right there, "What about you?"
"What?"
"You…all of the sudden you made it about your dad. What about you?"
Alexis shrugged, "you don't get attached you don't get hurt."
"Oh Alexis…"
"Please don't Kate I don't want to..."
"No Alexis I think you need to hear this. You aren't just concerned about your dad. If you were, you would have brought this up a long time ago. I think...I think you're scared because maybe YOU are starting to get attached…"
"No Kate...my, my dad…" Alexis denied but her face told Kate she had hit the nail on the head as she couldn't look her in the eyes.
"Sweetheart it's ok."
"No it's not Kate."
"Why?"
"Because when…when you…"
"When I leave?" After a few moments of silence Kate continued, "Look honey I…I know between what has happened with your mom and Gina you have absolutely no reason to believe me when I say I'm not going anywhere but…"
This time it was Alexis that interrupted, "Kate my dad isn't gonna shadow you forever…you know that. What happens when he's done huh? You can't tell me when that happens you'll still be around."
"Yes I can."
"What?" Alexis asked in disbelief.
"Alexis even when your dad decides he has enough research he doesn't need to shadow me anymore he and I will still be friends. And you need to know that, more importantly, no matter what happens I will always, ALWAYS, be here for you. Regardless of whether your dad is shadowing me or not…regardless of whether your dad and I are friends or not, that would never change me being here for you.
"If that's not true with my own mother how…why would it be true for you?"
Kate sighed. She had to admit it…Alexis did have a good reason to be asking. What did you say to that? How-how did you answer that question? With the truth? "Because …because I'm not her Alexis, I'm me. And…and you know me. I think you're afraid to admit it but deep down, you know you can trust me. You know I'm telling you the truth. You know I would never do that. I'm not going to just leave or not be in your life anymore."
Alexis finally looked at Kate, "You promise?" she asked, barely audible.
"Yes," Kate said seriously, "I PROMISE." Kate wrapped her arms around her, "I'm not going to let you down Alexis, believe me."
Kate and Alexis sat like that for a while before Kate just had to ask again, "Alexis, why haven't you talked to someone about this?" When Alexis didn't answer she pulled away to look at her, keeping an arm wrapped around her, "Huh? Why have you kept this all to yourself?"
Alexis buried her head into Kate's shoulder, "I just can't."
"Why? Why can't you?"
"And who would I talk to? I can't talk to my mom that'll make her care even less, Grams already hates her. If I talk to her she'll just go on a tangent about how awful she is and how she knew she would do this again and dad…I just…he already feels bad about what she does-I know it. I don't want him to feel worse. I don't want him to be more upset about it. I can't tell him how I feel; it'll hurt him even more. I just…I just can't do that to him."
"Where do I even start," Kate said softly. Her heart was breaking even more for this girl. She felt she couldn't talk to anyone? That was so wrong…so so wrong, "Lex your mom should know how much she is hurting you-YOU deserve to tell her that…for you. Your grandmother…I understand what you're saying but she loves you and if you needed her to just listen and not say a word I KNOW she would do that. And your dad—Sweetie I hate to break it to you but you aren't hiding anything by not talking to him about how you feel. He knows how much it hurts you. It already breaks his heart that your mom does this and the last thing he would ever want is for you to act like you were fine for his benefit, especially since he knows this is what comes from it. He loves you more than anything and it would kill him to know you are putting all this pressure on yourself."
"Really?"
"Oh Alexis yes really. Your dad…you mean everything to him and he would want to do anything in his power to make you feel better. And that includes listening to how you feel about this, even if it is hard for him to hear. And it is hard for him to hear, you're his little girl and your hurt but I guarantee you he would rather you talk to him about it. Don't ever feel like you can't talk to anyone. You…you have so many people who care about you and love you and would do anything in the world for you."
Alexis finally looked up and shyly asked, "And-and I can talk to you right? If I can't talk to dad or Grams I...can I talk to you?"
"Oh Lex you can always, ALWAYS talk to me; no matter what. Don't you ever, EVER forget that ok." Alexis nodded and buried her head in Kate's shoulder again.
"What about you Kate?"
"What?" Kate asked confused.
Alexis lifted her head off Kate's shoulder, "When you told me about your dad you said you had never told anyone that before."
"Yeah…" Kate said hesitantly. She had a funny feeling she wasn't going to like where this was going.
"But…you said it still bothered you. So, if it still bothers you, why haven't you talked to someone about it?"
Aaannndd she was right. She didn't like where this was going.
Outside Castle jaw dropped. His daughter had just asked Kate, point blank, what he had been trying to find out for years.
"Alexis it's not"
"It is the same," Alexis interrupted, knowing what Kate was going to say, "you told me it was bad to keep things in and not talk about them but why don't you?"
Kate thought for a second. This girl had been honest with her and opened up to her, and trusted her even though it was hard for her. It seemed she owed her the same courtesy. But…how did she explain it. She took a deep breath, "I don't know Alexis I…I guess it's just what I'm used to now."
"But why?" The girl asked, "You know dad cares about you, he would help you in any way he could, why haven't you talked to him?"
Kate sighed, "Getting close to people; opening up and talking about things leads to getting close to people and letting them in and I guess after my mom was murdered I just…it just kind of made it seem like anyone could be taken away from you at any minute...and I care about your dad so if I talk to him and get closer to him I…I don't know it's complicated Alexis." Kate gave a small chuckle, "And if your dad finds out about this I will know it was from you..."
Alexis gave Kate a smile, "Understood. And, thank you."
"For what?"
"For being honest with me." Alexis stated simply as she put her head back on Kate's shoulder, "I believe you." She whispered.
Kate smiled and squeezed her tight. When she felt Alexis' body get heavier against hers she looked and sure enough, the teenager was falling asleep, "Tired baby?"
"Yeah" Alexis replied without even opening her eyes.
"Why don't you go to sleep? Let it all go for a while."
Alexis nodded and took her head off Kate's shoulder and stood up, grabbing her pajamas off the floor. Kate quickly stood up after her. "Kate I…I don't even know what to say. Thank you so much. Thank you for…thank you for caring about me."
"Don't thank me for caring Alexis. Just don't forget you are worth caring about. And...promise me you will never bury this again-come talk to me or your dad ok?" Alexis gave Kate the first real smile she'd seen all night as she nodded, "Ok good, now get some sleep kid." She smiled and squeezed her shoulder.
"Goodnight Kate."
"Night sweetie."
Castle quickly got up and started walking away but stopped as his daughter stopped Kate.
"Kate wait!" Alexis stopped her as her hand was on the doorknob. Alexis ran up and wrapped her arms around her, "I love you."
Kate had to contain her gasp of surprise. What now? Did Alexis just say? She did didn't she? Wow. "I love you too Alexis," she said finally recovering from the shock.
Castle smiled as he ran down to his office before he could be caught. Kate had just agreed to be in his daughters' life forever hadn't she? And on top of that she loved his kid. She truly cared and loved his kid. And he now understood her even more. Could he fall even harder for her?
"Sweet dreams kiddo" Kate said as she gave Alexis one last squeeze before letting her go, "Sleep well." Alexis nodded and smiled as Kate walked out and gently shut her door, leaning back against it giving a long sigh. Where had Rick gone? Probably his office to write. She began walking down stairs, all the while contemplating all the things she wanted to say to Meredith. Man was that woman going to get a piece of her mind. As she got downstairs she heard typing and knew she was right. She walked into the office, shutting the door so Alexis wouldn't hear them. "Ok can I slap Meredith now? Please?"
Rick looked up from his laptop, "Get in line," he muttered.
"That woman is just...just…ugh… she's unbelievable Castle!" Kate stated as she started pacing his office, "She is selfish, self absorbed, and she has no idea what she is doing to that sweet, amazing kid up there. She is to caught up in her own damn mess to even think about how much she is hurting her daughter. And does she even care?! Does she care that she is hurting Alexis? Does she CARE that she is making her feel like everything is her fault?"
Castle couldn't help but smile. He knew he shouldn't be but seeing how much Kate cared about his daughter…it was just so sweet. "Kate…" he started, trying to calm her down, but she was to busy pacing to hear him, or see his smile.
"Does she care that she is making her child think everyone is going to leave her because there is something wrong with her? I mean, she should be doing back flips trying to spend time with that wonderful girl, not making every excuse in the book making your daughter feel like crap! I swear Castle I…"
"Kate!" He said a little louder. This time she heard him and stopped pacing, "What?" she sighed.
He shut his laptop and got up, walking to her and wrapping his arms around her, "Thank you."
It took a minute for the shock to wear off before she hugged him back, "For what Rick?"
He pulled back to look at her, "For this. For caring so much about my kid. For taking her out today to cheer her up. For talking to her when she was sad and making her feel better. For sticking up for her."
"I would do anything for that girl Castle."
He smiled, "So…she wants Meredith to be more like you huh?"
"Only because she doesn't treat her as well as…wait how did you know that?"
He looked at her sheepishly, "I may have heard some of the conversation…"
She narrowed her eyes at him, "How much of the conversation?" she asked, telling herself to stay calm. It was not time to panic. Just because he heard part of the conversation doesn't mean, doesn't mean he heard that... It didn't mean he knew…
"Ummm…ahh…all of it?"
Her face fell. Ok..now time to panic, "Ok…right. Well uhh, it's getting late I should…go." She said as she started to walk out.
"Kate…" He said following her.
"Really I need to…"
"Kate don't do this…" He said grabbing her arm as she went to get her purse.
"Castle…" She said, not even looking up.
"Come on…talk to me," he said softly.
Kate stilled, "Rick…I…"
"Kate…you knew exactly what to do when Alexis was having a panic attack, you still think your dad might fall off the wagon and," he took a breath. He didn't want to push her but she needed to talk to someone, "and you basically told my daughter you didn't want to talk to me because you were afraid of getting to close to me."
"I didn't say…"
"Kate," he said turning her to look at him, "You did."
"I…I…" She started but there was a lump forming in her throat. Damn him.
He grabbed her hands, "You don't worry about getting close to someone unless you're scared about something and you don't know what to do when someone's having a panic attack unless you've had them, or have them." He added softly when she looked away.
"I can't Castle." She whispered trying to get her hand back but he gripped it tighter, "Please don't do this…"
"You are not leaving."
Kate opened and closed her mouth a couple times, "Why?"
He cupped her cheek as she looked down, rubbing a thumb under her eyes. "You have dark circles under your eyes, you've been quiet, and it's close to the Anniversary-you've been worried about your dad and missing your mom and you've been having panic attacks for the same reason Alexis had one tonight; you aren't talking to anyone about it. You're just holding it in trying to figure it all out on your own."
Kate stiffened at his words, "Wha...what? Castle no. Now just let me go and…"
"Look me in the eyes, Kate. Look me in the eyes and tell me I'm wrong. Look me in the eyes and tell me you haven't been having nightmares, and breaking down when you're alone at night."
"I'm fine."
"Oh you are not."
"What do you want from me Castle?"
"I want you to talk to me. I want you to take the advice you gave Alexis and TALK about it. I want you to let me help you." When he saw the fight leave her face, replaced with sadness and hurt he continued, "I want you to trust me, and trust me to be here, always."
She shook her head furiously, "No no no, NO! Don't say that! You can NOT say that! You cannot say you will be here because you don't know!"
At first Castle was confused. She told Alexis she would always be here for her, why was she freaking out when he said it? But then it dawned on him—what she said to Alexis, about people being taken away from her…before he could think any further Kate was trying to leave.
"Kate don't leave…"
"Castle just let me go!" She was fighting to get away until she felt her necklace. The ring-her mother's ring. At that moment her heart dropped, and she wasn't standing there with Rick, she was walking past the police tape into that dark alley, she was walking into her father's house to see him passed out drunk on the floor barely breathing. All of the sudden she let out a gasp and grabbed Castles hand, her voice shaky, "Rick…"
"Kate…Kate just breath ok."
Kate shook her head, "Rick…"
"Hey, hey, its ok, its ok." He pulled her into a hug.
Her hands fisted into the back of his shirt as she tried to steady her breathing. Ok…that wasn't working.
Rick felt her shaking, "Hey" he whispered in her ear, "you feel me breathing, just breath. You're ok. I'm here. I'm here and I'm not letting go ok. I'm here, you're not alone." He continued to whisper in her ear and after several minutes it broke through the fog and she stopped shaking, beginning to breath normally again. He pulled away just enough to look her in the eyes, "Kate talk to me. Where did you go just now?" He asked gently rubbing a hand up and down her back.
"I…I…" He could see the hurt and pain in her eyes "I just…I…my mom and…." She tried…but it was too hard. She took a breath, "Castle I can't do this."
"Kate it's ok" he encouraged softly, "It's ok." When she looked down and he saw silent tears running down her cheeks he let go of her, only to grab her hand, "Come on," he said leading her to the couch. Kate allowed herself to be lead to the couch. He sat her down and squeezed her hand, "Kate please, you have to talk about this. If you don't it's just gonna eat away at you and…"
Kate went to get up, "I can handle it Castle."
He grabbed her hand and pulled her back down, "No you can't. Kate, you are the strongest person I know but no one could handle this. If you could handle this, you wouldn't be having a panic attack in my living room."
"I…" Kate opened her mouth to protest but he couldn't deny any of what he just said.
"Kate please, trust me." He whispered.
Kate closed her eyes as tears leaked through and started to speak softly, "I do trust you Rick…"
"Then why won't you talk to me? Why won't you let me help you?"
"I don't need to talk to you Castle! And I don't need your help." She snapped.
"Kate…"
Sure she was getting mad at him for nothing. He was only trying to help. But if she didn't get angry she would get upset and break and she couldn't do that, "No Castle! Just leave me alone." she said angrily as she tried to get up but he grabbed her arm to pull her back down.
If she could get angry so could he, "No Kate. I'm not gonna leave you alone. How could you make Alexis promise to talk to someone next time she's upset, and tell her how bad it is to keep things bottled up and then do that yourself!? You are doing exactly what you told her not to do!"
"What do you want me to say Castle?!" She said loudly as she yanked her arm away and got up to begin pacing, "Huh? What do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that I'm worried about my dad? That every time I talk to him I hold my breath wondering if he is going to sound normal or sound like he did when he was drinking? That with everything that has happened the last few months with the case I'm afraid he may not be able to handle it and stay sober? That this time of year is horrible and I miss my mom so damn much and with everything that's been going on all I can think about is solving this case? That the fact I can't stop thinking about it is scaring me because I'm afraid I'm going to fall back into that hole I was in after she was murdered?" She was losing steam now and starting to break. She slumped down against the wall to sit on the floor, "That every night I dread going to sleep because I know I'm just going to have nightmares about stabbings and alleyways and my dad passed out drunk? That I lay up at night running through this case in my head and I just don't understand why I can't figure it out? That it's killing me because I know I'm letting my mother down and I can't do anything about it? That the panic comes when I'm not even thinking about it and I haven't felt this way since my mother was murdered and that scares the shit out of me because..." Her voice started to break, "because if I fall back into that hole I...I don't think I can pull myself out again?"
Castle had moved from the couch to sit next to Kate on the floor, "Oh Kate…" He said softly. She brought her legs up to her chest and buried her head in her hands. He grabbed her hands gently, "Kate look at me." When she didn't look up at him he gently cupped her cheek bringing her eyes to meet his, "You aren't alone this time Kate. You're not gonna fall down that hole again, ok. I'm not going to let you. I know you're scared Kate. You're scared of letting me in because you're afraid if you do you'll get close to me. Ever since you're mother was killed you don't want to get close to people because after that happened it seemed like anyone could be taken away from you at any second. You're afraid to get close to someone because you don't want to lose them."
"That's not the problem Rick."
"Ok. If that isn't the problem…what is?" he asked gently.
"That I'm already to close." She whispered
"What?" He asked confused.
She took a deep breath, "The problem isn't that I'm scared of getting to close to you. The problem is that I already am."
"Why is that a problem Kate?"
"Because it…I…I just…"
"Because you don't want to be close to anyone so it won't hurt if you lose them?" He asked softly after seeing her struggling. She shrugged her shoulders, "Hey," he said squeezing her hand, "God Kate I, I can't even imagine what you've gone through, and with all the things that have been happening recently…I understand why you're scared, but just like you promised Alexis, I am not going anywhere ok? I promise." Kate just looked down. They sat in silence for a couple minutes until Castle couldn't take it anymore, "Come on Kate…say something…"She looked him in the eye and opened her mouth to talk and Castle thought that maybe he finally got through to her, until she closed her mouth and just shook her head, "Kate you can do this."
They were quiet for several more minutes until Kate's cell phone beeped in her pocket indicating a text message. Still being on alert she jumped when she heard it. Castle opened his mouth but she beat him to it, "Don't! Don't say it Castle," she said pulling her phone out not even looking at him. When she read the message she let out a soft chuckle and tears started pooling in her eyes. He looked at her questioningly. She thought for a second before handing him the phone, "Oh read it, she's gonna tell you anyway."
He raised a confused eyebrow at her but took the phone, letting out his own chuckle when he read the message from his daughter:
'DON'T BE A HYPOCRITE! I love you!'
"Well…she's right…" he said handing her the phone back.
"I know…" she said softly, "How did she even…"
"Kate," he interrupted, "the neighbors probably heard you yelling…"
"Right…" she said putting her head back down in her heads, "God this is such a mess."
"No it's not."
She raised her head to look at him, gesturing with her arms, "Yes it is Rick! You want me to talk but I can't and your daughter…"
"Just loves you and wants to help because she's worried about you…and so am I," he added the last part quietly, "So please, talk to me. Tell me what's going on."
She took a deep breath. Could she do this? Maybe it would be nice to talk to someone about it, maybe it would help the nightmares and the constant thinking and the panic. And she had been trying to figure it all out on her own for so long, maybe…maybe it would help? But then…no, no, she couldn't go there. She just had to do this…she has to do this because she doesn't know how much longer she can last pretending…man she was a hypocrite. Finally she spoke, "Every night…" she said softly, "every night I dread going home. When I'm at work I'm busy and I don't have time to think but when I get home…my mind doesn't stop until I'm busy again at work the next day. I just…I keep going over all of this in my head and I can't…I don't know why I can't figure it out." She met his eyes for the first time, tears falling from her eyes, "Why can't I figure it out Castle? The one case that means everything to me and I can't figure it out. What is wrong with me? I've solved how many cases? And the one…"
"Hey," he said stopping her wrapping his arms around her, "we will figure it out ok."
He felt her head shake 'no' against his shirt, "How Castle? Every time we think we're getting close something happens. They've been one step ahead of us the entire time. They have people involved everywhere protecting this thing. It's like no matter what I do…"
"I know…" he said just squeezing her tighter.
After a few minutes she spoke in barely a whisper, "We're never going to catch them are we?"
He released her enough to look her in the eyes. The pain he saw broke his heart, "Kate," he said wiping the tears from her eyes with his thumbs, "We WILL catch them…we will."
"No we won't Rick. We can keep trying but we can't beat this. And you know what, even if we do my mom…my mom will still be gone."
"Kate…"
"What if…what if we find them and…and…"
"and what Kate?" He knew what she was getting at but also knew she needed to say it herself.
"And it doesn't help like I think it will? I mean, I know it won't bring my mom back and I think it'll bring closure and help me move on but what if it doesn't. What if I still feel this hole inside me? What if I still can't get over it and move on?"
He just wrapped his arms around her and held her, "Nothing will bring your mom back. And this is not something you will EVER quote on quote get over…but…I do feel like it will give you some peace you know…just knowing."
"But what if I still feel the same? What if the nightmares and the panic don't stop? What if I spent all this time searching and trying to figure this out because I thought that after I would finally be able to be happy but when it's finally over...God I sound crazy. I say all I want is to solve this case but then the thought of solving it…"
"Scares you?" he finished when he saw she could get the words out.
She buried her head into his shoulder, "Terrifies me."
They sat like that for several minutes, Kate holding onto him as tight as she could. He didn't want to upset her more, but he needed to ask, had to make sure, "Kate…is your dad ok?" He felt her stiffen at the mention of her father and bury her head deeper into his shoulder. When she didn't answer he squeezed her tighter, "Kate?"
"I…I don't know"
He pulled back and gently brought her eyes to meet his and saw fresh tears threatening to fall, "You don't know?" he asked gently. She shook her head 'no'. "Kate come on don't shut me out now."
"I…I think my dad might be drinking again."
And..there it is. Again, sorry it is so long…but like I said, I wanted to break it here. Let me know what you think?