Hey Guys! So sorry it took me a little bit to put this up, but it is really long...so hopefully that makes up for it. I have it written but when I was re-reading it before posting I realized I wasn't really happy with one of the scenes. I added some stuff…and hopefully you guys like this chapter. A couple things—one, I know I mentioned this was Season 3 but I need to be a little more specific…Raglan has happened but Lockwood and the boys being kidnapped and everything…that hasn't happened yet. Two, Josh doesn't exist for the purposes of this story. Three, I know Beckett may seem a little OOC, but for what I wanted to do with this story…it worked. Please let me know what you think. I'm really nervous about this chapter for some reason…I just hope its okay. Hopefully parts of this chapter will make you smile and laugh. Others are more serious, and I hope I did them justice. I'm sure it could be better…but remember—I just do this for fun so, it won't be perfect. Stephanie
"Castle! Leave!" He just shook his head and went to grab the bottle and shot glass but she grabbed his arm to stop him, "Castle what are you doing?" she yelled angrily.
He replied calmly, "Taking this away before you do something you don't want to."
"I want it; otherwise I wouldn't have taken it out. Now leave me alone!" she yelled, trying to grab it out of his grasp but he wouldn't let her.
"Kate if you really wanted it, you would have downed it by now…."
Her hand started shaking and she let go of his arm. Castle walked to the sink and emptied the shot glass and then put the bottle of Whisky in the Cabinet. He turned back to face her, Kate..." he said gently as he sat down next to her.
"I...I couldn't do it. All I wanted was a damn drink so I could forget about this mess and I just...I couldn't... all I kept thinking about was my father and how I was just like him; using alcohol to escape and I told myself I was never going to do that. I promised myself if that was the reason I wanted a drink I wouldn't have it...but I just...I couldn't do it. I couldn't even take one drink."
"You didn't do it Kate." he said rubbing her back, "You didn't take a single shot. You kept your promise to yourself."
"Yeah because you came in and took it away." She said looking down.
"Kate you had at least 40 minutes before I got here to down that bottle. If you were going to drink it, you would have. You are NOT your father. Kate look at me," he said, gently grabbing her face, "You are NOT your father." As tears welled up in her eyes he brought her into a hug, holding her tightly.
To his surprise she didn't pull away. After a while she softly asked, "Why are you here Castle?"
"I told you, I'm keeping my promise." he said pulling back to wipe the tears off her face.
"God I'm such an idiot," she whispered, "I should have never said that."
"Kate..."
"Really, it's fine. I absolve you of your promise Rick. You are free to go." she said with as much confidence as she could muster.
"Kate...no..."
"Rick, honestly. It's ok. I'll be fine. I take it back...you can leave now."
"Kate I'm not leaving!" he said, raising his voice in frustration, "What do I have to do or say to get you to realize that? You are not in this alone this time. I'm not going to LET you do this alone."
"You don't get to decide that Rick!" she said, matching his frustrated tone, "This is my life, and it's MY decision. And I don't...I...I just want..."
"What Kate?" he asked softly, taking her hands, "What do you want? Do you really want me to leave? Do you really want to be alone and do this alone?"
"No," Kate whispered, barely audible.
"Then why are you doing this?"
"Because I...I just...I don't know ok!"
He squeezed her hands, "Kate, I know you're scared."
"I'm not..." she interrupted immediately but he kept talking.
"You are," he said sternly, "and that's ok. Just...why won't you just let me be here for you and help you through this?"
"Because I can't!" she said, taking her hands back and getting up to pace the kitchen, "I can't go through this again! I can't watch him drown in this again...I just...I am NOT doing this again!" she practically yelled.
He got up and walked over to where she was pacing, putting gentle hands on her shoulders to stop her, "Kate he needs you right now."
"So!?" she spat angrily, "I needed him 12 years ago and he wasn't there! Hell I need him now and he's doing the same thing again-I need him and he isn't here!"
"But I'm here," he said gently, "I'm here and we can get him through this together."
"What if I don't want to Castle? What if I don't want to go through this with him again?"
"Kate he's your dad...I know you want to help him."
She just shook her head, "I told you Rick, I CAN'T..."
"Not even if I'm here?" he asked softly, squeezing her shoulders.
"Rick this isn't your..."
"Don't even think that," he said before she could finish, "As the best friend, if it's your problem it's my problem. We face it together." She sighed dejectedly, "So, what do you think? Still think you can't do it?" he asked, his hand brushing her cheek.
"Rick I don't...I don't know..." she said softly.
"I'll be by your side; you won't ever be alone in this. You'll have me ok?"
She took a deep breath and hesitantly replied, "Ok..."
"Ok," he smiled slightly, "So no more pushing me away, no more running..." She nodded, biting her bottom lip like she always did when she was nervous, 'what did I get myself into?' she thought. "And..." he continued, "you call your father."
"I'm...I'm not ready to talk to him yet..."
"Kate I'm telling you, he is going crazy with worry and quilt right now. Even if you don't talk long just...just call him to let him know you're ok."
"But I'm not," she whispered, her eyes welling up with tears again, "I'm not ok Rick."
"Aww Kate..." he said as he pulled her into another tight hug, "It will be ok Kate, I promise. You guys got through this once, you can do it again."
"I can't talk to him right now Castle...I'll just yell and get upset and that's...that isn't gonna help anything..."
"Ok how about this," he proposed, pulling back and grabbing her hands, "you let me call your father and you text Alexis and let her know you're ok. She, uh...she was kind of worried about you."
"But she was gone when I woke up."
"Yeah but she saw you were still here before she left. She came back right after you left to grab a notebook she forgot. When she saw you weren't there she asked me what happened and why you left so fast and then she convinced me to come over. I just...you know I can't lie to her Kate..."
Kate sighed, "I know, I know. Fine, you call my dad if you absolutely have to...I'll make sure Alexis knows I'm alright, ok?"
"Thank you," he said pulling her back into a hug, "She loves you ya know?"
Rick felt Kate smile against his shoulder, "The sentiment is mutual."
He gave her one last squeeze and indicated he would be in the living room. She nodded as she sat on the table to text Alexis.
'Hello sweet girl. Thanks for sending your dad over. I'm ok now, thanks to you and him'
Within a few seconds she received Alexis' reply. 'Kate! I'm so glad you text me. Of course! You can borrow him any time :). But...are you really ok?'
Kate sighed. She didn't want to lie to the girl but she didn't want her to worry...so she settled for a run down version of the truth. 'I will be Lex'
'You promise?'
'Yea, I promise'
'OK just, remember you're not alone'
'I will sweetie, thank you'
'What can I do to help?' when Kate received that message her heart almost melted. That amazingly sweet child. Before she could reply she received another message, 'We could always kick dad out and have a girls night; lots of movies, and pizza and popcorn and ice cream...'
Kate smiled and quickly messaged her back, 'you know what kiddo? That sounds like just what I need! What are you doing tonight?'
'Having a girls night with you!;)'
'Awesome! I'll be over there at 7:00 and we'll confine your father to his study?'
'Haha! Sounds perfect! He needs to write anyway...Gina has been hounding him. He is a little behind...'
'Of course he is! I'll see you at 7:00!'
'Ok!'
Just as Kate put her phone down Rick walked back into the kitchen. When he saw her smiling he gave her a confused look, "You...you're smiling? Not that...I mean, I'm so glad to see you smiling but what…"
Kate laughed, "Your daughter is amazing, did you know that?"
"Well...she does take after her father so it isn't much of a surprise..."
Kate rolled her eyes, "rriiigghht..."
"So what did my amazing daughter do?"
"She's just...she's just amazing. And tonight you are going to leave me alone..."
Before she could finish Rick interrupted, "Kate...we just talked about this...you said..."
"Rick!" she stopped him, "You are leaving me alone because your daughter and I are having a girls night. So...you will be confined to your study."
"You're kicking me out of my own living room?" he said in mock horror, though he couldn't suppress the grin that came over his face.
"Pretty much..." she laughed at his expression, "and Alexis said you had to write anyway. How behind are you exactly?"
"Not...not much just a...a couple chapters...maybe."
"Uh huh...how many chapters Rick?" Kate asked knowingly.
"Well...Gina wanted 3 new chapters..."
"Yeah...by when?"
"Last Friday..." he mumbled.
"Rick!"
"Oh come on Kate the last couple of days have been a little...eventful..."
Kate sobered immediately, "I'm sorry Castle...I don't want to..."
"Kate," he stopped her, "you and my kid trump my career. You know that."
She grabbed his hand, "Thank you Rick."
"Always," he replied softly. She went to take her hand back but he just squeezed it tighter, not letting her go. She looked up at him questioningly and he just shrugged and gave her that smile.
When she got her breath back she asked, "So…uh…what did my dad say?"
"Do you really want to know Kate?"
"Yeah I really...I really want to know."
"Ok...he uh...he was just really worried he may have lost you for good this time."
"What?"
"He said last time you...he said he almost lost you last time so he was sure that now..." Kate looked down, "Hey, he doesn't blame you Kate."
"I shouldn't have just walked out of there."
"He said that was the kick he needed." he tried to assure her, "He said that after we left he poured everything down the sink and called his AA sponsor..."
"How long Castle?"
"Kate..." at the stubborn look she gave him he knew she wasn't going to give up, "He said about two months."
She shook her head, "I knew it. I knew this was happening and I didn't do anything about it..."
"You didn't know Kate..."
"But I suspected. I suspected this was happening and yet I just..I let it go because I couldn't face it...God what kind of person does that?"
"Hey," he said tugging her arm. She brought her eyes up to meet his, "Someone human. And you're here now...you are a wonderful person Kate, and a wonderful daughter."
"Right," she scoffed, "If I had intervened when I first suspected then it wouldn't have gotten this out of hand, but I'm a great daughter..."
"You don't know that Kate. Maybe that's true. But maybe he wouldn't have been ready then. You know you can't help someone if they don't want it. Now, he wants it. A couple months ago...maybe he wouldn't have."
"But we don't know that."
"Exactly. We don't know. So, there is no use beating yourself up now for something that may or may not have made a difference. Ok? You can't beat yourself up over this."
She just shook her head, "I don't know how not to Castle..."
"You trust me." he said gently, "And you listen to heart because deep down, you know it isn't your fault."
She took a deep breath, "I...I'll try."
He squeezed the hand he was still holding, "Ok. Good." After a few minutes he looked at his watch, "So, what are we doing until you and my daughter kick me out of my house?" he asked dramatically.
"Just the living room! And don't be such a baby!"
He sighed dramatically and then laughed, "Ok well, it's gonna be lunchtime soon...and since we didn't get the chance to eat breakfast I am starving...and I'm sure you are too."
She shook her head in agreement, "I am hungry…and in dire need of coffee, someone didn't give me enough this morning."
"My apologize detective it won't happen again."
"See that it doesn't." She said seriously, but unable to hid the grin from her face, "But an early lunch sounds good. Only…" she looked at Rick, then down at her own clothes, realizing they were both wearing the same thing they fell asleep in last night, "We both need to get changed first."
Rick looked down at what he was wearing; oh—he had rushed over here without changing hadn't he. He let out a slight laugh, "Oh, yeah. Well…how about this. I'll go home and get cleaned up. You can do the same…and we can meet at that Italian place you love in about an hour?"
Kate smiled, "That sounds good."
"Ok, then we'll go to a coffee house so you can get your caffeine fix and we'll go from there."
Turns out it was a quiet day for murders and Kate thankfully didn't get called into work. When Castle and Beckett walked into the loft at a quarter to seven Alexis was setting everything up for their movie night. Alexis had made a pallet for them to lay on on the floor with what looked light every blanket and pillow in the house. Kate could see two bags of popcorn sitting near the microwave, some pizza on the counter, and two bowls set out with an ice cream scoop and two spoons. Near the pallet Kate saw a mirror and all of Alexis' make-up and hair accessories and an entire stack of movies and board games.
When Alexis saw them she ran from the kitchen to pull Kate in a hug, "Kate!" she said, squeezing her tightly, almost knocking her down.
"Woah Lex. It's ok, I'm ok, I promise."
"Really?" The girl asked, not releasing Kate from her tight hold.
"Really. And after tonight, I'll be great." Alexis finally released her from the hug and smiled, "It looks like you thought of everything kid."
"Yep, we just need to take care of one more thing..."
Kate smiled knowingly. Both girls looked at Castle and at the same time said, "Out!" pointing him in the direction of the office.
"Geez!" he said, his hand going to his chest in mock hurt, "I feel unwanted."
"I love you daddy but you owe Gina three chapters. Now go—write!"
"Fine!" he scoffed like the child he was, walking begrudgingly to his office. "I can tell where I'm not wanted."
"And don't come out for at least the next four hours Castle!" Kate yelled behind him just as he was shutting the door. Both girls laughed at his expression and Alexis gave Kate a high five. "This is awesome Lex, you really did think of everything."
Alexis smiled, "Mmhmm! I didn't get all my nail stuff because we just got mani/pedis the other day..."
"Smart girl! Ok, whaddya say we grab a couple slices and pick out a movie to begin the night?"
Alexis laughed, "Definitely!"
Once they were all situated on the pallet with their pizza and drinks they began looking through movies, "Jeez Lex, do you guys own every movie ever made?"
"Pretty close. Dad's kind of a movie fanatic. So what are you thinking for tonight? Romance? Comedy? Horror? Action?"
"Comedy, definitely."
Alexis nodded and held up two movies, one in each hand, "Ok...then may I suggest we start off with a double feature of Bruce Almighty and Evan Almighty? Both hilarious and lighthearted."
"That sounds perfect!"
Putting in the movie Alexis asked, "Can you teach me how to curl my hair like you do yours? I know you did it the other night but I wasn't watching so I don't know how you did it."
"Of course! Then we can do make-overs."
Alexis turned around after putting the movie in, "Really?"
Kate raised an eyebrow in confusion, "Yes 'really', isn't that why you brought your stuff out here?"
"Well yeah but..." When the girl looked down Kate prodded for her to continue.
"But what sweetie?" she asked, scooting closer to the young girl.
"Nothing, it's nothing," she said shaking her head and moving to grab the DVD remote.
"Lex it's not nothing. What is it?" She asked, pulling the girl towards her.
"I just...I never really had a mom to do this stuff with. It's just...I'm just glad you're here that's all."
"Oh sweetheart," Kate said, putting her hands on the girls face, "I'm glad I'm here too. And anytime you want to do anything like this, I'll be here." she assured the teen, wrapping her arms around her.
"Thanks, Kate." After a few moments of silence Alexis spoke up, "Hey Kate..."
"Hmm?"
Alexis pulled back from the hug to look at here, "Did...did you and your mom do this kinda stuff?"
Kate smiled and shook her head, "Yeah we did. We used to do make overs...and we would do our own mani/pedis..."
"Your mom sounds like she was really great."
"Yeah she was..."
When Alexis saw Kate's wistful expression she began to worry, "I'm so sorry Kate, I didn't mean to..."
"Oh no, sweetie no, its ok." Kate said quickly, grabbing her hand, "Its good memories."
"Ok..."
"Now...let's eat our pizza before it gets cold!"
Alexis laughed, "Ok."
The night flew by and the girls stayed busy watching Miss Congeniality next and doing hair and make-overs. Having lost track of time, the girls did not realize it was 11:30 when Rick stepped out of his office, "Dad! We banished you for four hours! What are you doing?"
"Uh...it's been four and a half Alexis."
"What?!" Both girls said surprised.
Beckett jumped up and looked at the clock on the microwave, "Wow it really is that late."
Rick laughed at them, "Time flies when you're having fun."
"I guess I should get to bed-I have school tomorrow." Alexis said reluctantly as she got up. She walked over to Kate and gave her a hug, "Thanks for coming Kate."
"Thank you Alexis. This was exactly what I needed. I love you."
"Love you too."
Rick smiled as he watched the exchange between the two. He acted like he wasn't paying attention when his daughter turned to give him a hug, "Night Pumpkin. Love you."
"I love you too dad." she replied before heading up the stairs.
Once he heard Alexis' door shut he turned to Kate, "So you girls had fun?"
Kate smiled, "Yeah Rick, we had a lot of fun."
He smiled back at her, "Good. You're going into the precinct tomorrow right?"
"I uh...I actually haven't decided yet. I was thinking of taking the day off. I was gonna maybe go see my dad but I don't know if I..."
Castle stopped her and grabbed her hands, "Together, remember?"
She took a deep breath and nodded, "Together..." she echoed. "So, I'll call the Captain in the morning and tell him I need the day and..." she squeezed her eyes shut willing herself to say the next statement. She finally opened them and met his eyes, "Rick, will you please come with me to see my dad tomorrow?"
His response was pulling her into a bone crushing hug, "Thank you," he whispered in her ear.
She nodded and squeezed him tight. He finally let her go after a few minutes, "I should, uh, probably go...its getting late." she said softly.
He nodded and she went to grab her keys and purse from the couch. As she was walking toward the door Rick suddenly spoke, "Stay!"
"What?" she asked, turning around.
Rick walked over to her, "Stay. Please? The guest room is all made up and its really late..."
"I'm a big girl Rick I am aloud to be out after dark."
"Haha very funny Beckett. Just...please stay?" he asked taking her hand, "Please?"
"Why?" she asked softly.
Her heart rate began to speed up as he rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand, "You know why Kate."
"Rick...why?" she asked again, needing to hear it from him. Yes, she knew why—but she needed him to say it.
"Kate I don't think you want to start this conversation now..."
"Wasn't really planning on talking." She said, stepping closer to him.
His eyes widened in disbelief at the look in her eyes. That was the last thing he expected to hear her say, "Kate...did you really just say that?" She just nodded as she stepped even closer. "Kate, I just don't think now is the time. I mean, with everything that's going on...you're upset and...not that I don't want to I mean, I really care about you and I think you know that I don't mean as just a friend but..." she just kept inching closer to him and his thoughts were becoming incoherent, "but I…I just don't want…want to mess..."
She stopped and interrupted him, their lips almost touching, "Rick, if you care about me so much just shut up and kiss me."
"Kate..." was all he got out before she touched her lips to his. Shock overtook him at first but soon his lips responded because how could he not? She inched them back until they were on the couch, slowly lowering them so she was on top of him. She straddled him and gently began feathering kissing against his jaw. "K...Kate. Wha...what are you doing?"
"Comfort sex Castle…keep up." she said slyly as she squeezed her legs around his hips.
"Kate I know your upset but..."
"If you know I'm upset," she said, moving her mouth to his ear, "help me forget." She took his lobe between her teeth after she spoke.
"Kate..." He sighed sitting them up, "You're just looking for a distraction. And I understand but..."
"Then distract me," she whispered, her hands moving to undo the buttons on his shirt.
He grabbed her hands to stop her, "Kate, you don't want to do this."
"Rick..." she said, getting frustrated, "I'm an adult I can decide what I want."
She leaned in to kiss him again but he pulled back, "We do this, you hate me tomorrow...and yourself."
She looked him in the eyes and saw he was serious, "You're really saying no, aren't you?" she asked, shocked. He just nodded, swallowing hard, "Wow...I never thought..."
"Believe me," he muttered, "me neither." Resisting Kate Beckett? Man he deserved a medal for this. Kate realized their position and hastily untangled herself from him and moved to the other side of the couch. "Kate...you have to understand..."
"Oh I understand," she interrupted, "The deep fried Twinkie is always good enough for some fun but I'm not." she said, beginning to get up, but he grabbed her arm.
"No! Kate no!"
"I get it Castle, its fine." she said trying to pull her arm back to leave but he tightened his grip.
"No you don't get it Kate!"
"Fine then," she said angrily, successfully pulling her arm from his grasp, "you say I don't get it, whatever." She got up and began gathering the stuff she dropped on the floor to leave, "You say you care about me so much..." She said it more to herself really but he heard it.
"I do Kate." he said, jumping up and moving to block her path to the door, "I do care about you. I care about so much."
"Castle! Out of the way!"
"No! You are going to listen to me."
"Castle!"
"Kate I care about you more than you know."
"Right," she scoffed, folding her arms across her chest.
"You would have regretted it in the morning Kate. You would have regretted it and been mad at yourself and been mad at me and it's BECAUSE I care about you so much that I wasn't about to let you do that to yourself...or to us. You're my best friend and...and so much more and I'm not willing to lose you for one night of fun." He looked her in the eyes and he could tell she finally understood. She suddenly looked down in embarrassment, "It's ok Kate."
She shook her head and walked to the couch to sit down, "No its not," she whispered.
He quickly walked over to sit next to her, "Yes it is."
"I'm so sorry Rick. I should have never...God you must think I'm..."
He didn't let her finish, "Like I said before, I think you're human." When she finally looked at him he continued, "I think you're human, and I think like anybody else would in this situation, you just want to forget and not think about it for a while."
She sighed, "I just...all these different thoughts keep spinning around in my head..."
"I know..." he said gently.
"I mean, I'm here with your wonderful daughter laughing and having a great time but its...in the back of my mind I'm still thinking..."
"I know," he said again, putting an arm around her.
"I just want them to stop." she said, barely audible.
"Tell me about them." she looked at him with fear all over her face, "If you tell me about them and get it out it will help."
She nodded and took a deep breath, "How long it's going to take this time; how many times he is going to say he'll stop before he actually does. If he will be able to stop a second time. If he actually does stop and something comes up with the case, is he going to start again?" He tightened his arm around her shoulder, urging her to continue, "If I went over sooner what would have happened? How deep is he going to fall this time? I just...I can't make it stop Rick..."
"Ok...ok come here." he said, standing and holding out a hand for her.
She eyed him suspiciously, but took his hand, "Where are we going?"
"You," he said as he led them into the study, "are going to pick a book...any book...then we're going to lay down on that amazing pallet my daughter made and I'm going to read it to you."
"Rick I can't..." she tried to protest, even though she was fighting a smile.
"Trust me. It always helps Alexis."
"Yeah but..."
"Beckett! Pick a book."
"Ok ok." she held up her hands in surrender. She walked over to his expansive book collection and mulled them over before picking out 'Storm Fall'.
"Really?" he asked smirking. She picked one of his books? He always knew she was a huge fan, although she would never admit it.
"Are you really gonna get cocky and give me time to re think agreeing to this or are you going to read the book?"
"No, no." he said quickly, grabbing the book and leading her to the living room. When they got all settled on the pallet Rick turned to her, "Ok, close your eyes."
"Castle..."
"For it to work you have to close your eyes!" he argued.
"Fine" she huffed.
She closed her eyes and settled deeper into the pillows that propped her up. When he began reading she tried to focus on just his voice; the expressions he used and the voices he gave the characters. Not long after he began reading she found she was fully entrenched in the story, her mind finally relaxing. Out of the corner of his eyes he could see she was more relaxed; her face softened and her shoulders slacked. He smiled and grabbed her hand, lacing his fingers with hers and continued to read. He felt her stiffen when he took her hand but she kept her eyes closed and soon he felt her hand relax in his. About 30 minutes into the book he noticed her hand was limp in his. He looked over and noticed her even breathing; she was asleep.
He went to get up to leave but when he tried to take his hand back she suddenly squeezed it, "Stay." She said, repeating his words from earlier without opening her eyes.
"Kate, I thought you were asleep."
She opened her eyes and squeezed his hand again, "Stay." she repeated.
"Kate..." he said cautiously.
She rolled her eyes, "No funny business I promise. Just please stay?"
"Ok."
She smiled and pulled the blankets over both of them without releasing his hand. She scooted closer to him and put her head on his chest, their joined hands resting on his stomach. "Thank you," she said quietly, closing her eyes again.
He wrapped his free arm around her and squeezed her tight, "Always." He closed his eyes and after a few moments whispered, "We are going to have that conversation."
"I know," she sighed, eyes still closed.
"We need to have that conversation."
"I know," she said again.
He opened his eyes and watched her drift off to sleep. Like the night before, when he could tell she was asleep he gave her a kiss on the forehead. He lowered his head and whispered in here ear, "I love you Kate. I wish you could just see that." However, this time, as soon as he said it he felt her squeeze his hand. He panicked for a moment—he was so sure she was asleep...what was she going to say? Was she going to run away? Was she going to freak out? But, when she did nothing but squeeze his hand again he took a deep breath...did she even hear him? Did she just squeeze his hand in her sleep? Was she asleep? Was she awake? Well, there was nothing he could do about it now. He squeezed her hand back and she snuggled into him more. 'Ok', he thought, reasoning to himself, 'she didn't hear, there is no way she heard and would still be here like this.' Now, able to relax, he fell asleep.
When Kate woke up the next morning she could tell it was still early by the dawn light streaming in through the blinds. She rolled over and couldn't help a smile when she saw Rick, mouth slightly open and hair tousled; he looked adorable. 'He loves me,' she thought, 'he told me he loved me.' Her smile got even bigger as she remembered. It was a whisper but she heard him clear as day, he loved her. She wished she could say it back. She wished she wasn't too afraid. But she was afraid...she was terrified. However, looking at him now, peacefully asleep, she couldn't remember why. She reached out and brushed back a piece of hair that had fallen near his eyes. "I love you too, Rick," she whispered.
His eyes shot open and she quickly pulled her hand back, covering her mouth, "What did you just say?"
"You're awake?"
He sat up, bringing her with him, "What did you just say?" he asked again.
"Rick I, I could have sworn you were asleep."
"I'm awake, just like you were when you heard me last night. Now what did you just say?"
"Rick..." she said, looking down.
"Katherine Beckett, repeat what you just said. Repeat what you just said and look me in the eyes when you do."
She looked up at him and stuttered, "I..Rick...I, I just…"
"What are you scared of Kate?"
"Losing you," she whispered.
He grabbed her hands, "You could never loose me."
"Rick I'm bad at this stuff. I'll screw it up. And if something happens to you..."
He suddenly remembered what she had told Alexis a few nights ago. How she didn't want to trust or get too attached because after her mom was murdered she saw people could be taken at any moment. Ok—so she didn't say it quite like that...but he knew her well enough to know that's what it boiled down to.
He brought one of his hands to her face to cup her cheek, "Kate nothing is going to happen to me. I know, I heard what you told Alexis remember?" She slowly nodded. "So I understand but Kate, please don't let that fear keep you from being happy."
She finally met his eyes, "I don't know how to let go like that."
"I know, but let me help you."
"I..." before she could respond further Alexis came bounding down the stairs. The adults jumped apart and Kate forced a smile towards Alexis who was already dressed for school, "Morning sweetheart."
"Kate!" Alexis said surprised, rushing over to where the detective was sitting with her dad and giving her a hug, "Your still here? Did you and dad fall asleep watching a movie?"
Well...no, but that sounded better than 'You're father read to me because I couldn't stop thinking and I was freaking out and then I begged him to stay here with me so I didn't have to be alone,' so yeah, why not go with that? "Yeah, and what are you doing ready for school so early?"
"I'm meeting Paige so we can get some extra studying in at the library before our big test today."
"You studied all day yesterday pumpkin, I'm sure you'll do great," Rick chimed in.
"I know but...I just want to be prepared..." she said as she bounded off to the kitchen to get breakfast.
Rick leaned over to whisper to Kate, "My daughter is a convenient distraction…but it doesn't get you off the hook."
"I have no idea where she gets her work ethics from." she said, hoping to change the subject.
He laughed, "Me neither. And don't think you're getting out of this..."
"Kate!" Alexis called from the Kitchen.
Kate shook her head and called back, "Coming Lex." she looked at Rick, "Looks like I am for now." she said quietly before she hopped up to join Alexis in the kitchen. Rick sighed; they really did have horrible timing.
"What's up kiddo?"
"What time do you have to be at the precinct today? I do have some time before I have to head to school and I was wondering if maybe you could help me make your amazing pancakes?"
"I, uhh, I'm actually not going in today. I have some stuff I need to take care of..."
"Speaking of which," Rick added, walking in the kitchen to join them, "Do you want me to call the boys and let them know you won't be in today? Then you girls could start on breakfast."
"Umm..." did she want that? Well, she didn't want to have to call and face their questions. Since she hardly took a day off voluntarily there were sure to be many. So it would be easier if he called, but she didn't want him too..."
"I'll just say you have something you need to do." he said, reading her mind, "That's all."
"You can't think they'll leave it alone at that."
"Well no, but I'm a writer. I can come up with something to appease them...don't worry."
"Okay, you go call the boys and Alexis and I will start breakfast." Alexis smiled and Rick nodded before heading to his study.
Kate and Alexis began gathering the supplies for breakfast. "Kate," Alexis started slowly, "Why aren't you going into work today?" the girl asked softly, setting the mixing bowl and measuring cup on the counter.
"Your dad is actually gonna go with me to talk to my dad..."
"Oh...oh Kate I'm sorry. I shouldn't have..."
Kate set the ingredients she gathered on the counter and set a reassuring hand on the girls shoulder, "Honey its fine. You can ask me anything, ok? I just...I didn't want the boys finding out. I mean, I love them like brothers and I know if your dad told them to keep it quiet they would I'm just...I'm just not ready for them to know yet."
Alexis nodded and wrapped her arms around Kate, "I'm still sorry."
"Thanks Lex but really, it's ok...I'm ok." Kate didn't really want to think about it right now so before she could get to emotional she pulled back and put her hands on some of the ingredients and said seriously, "Ok...now what I am about to show you is a top secret family recipe that must be shared with no one. Do you understand?"
Alexis laughed then made as serious of a face as she could and nodded, "Understood."
Both girls broke into laughter as they started mixing the ingredients. When Rick came out of his office he heard them laughing. He paused for a while to just watch them. He couldn't help it. His heart melted seeing how Kate interacted with his daughter. When Alexis opened the new bag of four, some went flying and hit Kate square in the face.
Alexis held her hands over her face to try and keep from laughing but couldn't suppress a laugh; and neither could Rick when he heard Kate's promise for revenge, "Oh you will pay for that you little minx!" she said as she wiped the flour out of her eyes.
Alexis ran around the counter as Kate stuck her hand in the flour, "Now Kate, that was an accident…and I'm in my uniform already." Kate just shrugged her shoulders as she looked at the flour in the palm of her hand. "Kate...you wouldn't..." But before Alexis could run Kate held out her hand and blew as hard as she could, successfully creating a cloud of flour in Alexis face. Both girls were looking at each other with huge smiles on their faces, laughing. He quickly took out his phone and zoomed in with the camera to snap a picture of the two of them. "I can't believe..." Alexis started but stopped as she heard her dad laughing. Both girls turned around, suddenly realizing they were being watched, "Oh you think that that's funny dad?"
"Well, yeah, a little. I mean, you two should see your faces" he said laughing. Alexis and Kate nodded at each other and each took some flour in their hands that had fallen on the counter. They began to move toward Rick as he backed up slowly, "Hey now...I had nothing to do with this, I was in there!" he pointed over his shoulder at his office. Both ladies shrugged as his legs hit the back of couch and he was stuck. They each blew their flour in his face and laughed as he comically shut his eyes and scrunched his face. When he heard the girls high fiving each other he opened his eyes. "I can't believe you turned my own daughter against me Beckett!"
Kate laughed and Alexis just shrugged, "Us girls stick together dad."
Kate nodded in agreement, "Yeah Castle, and you were getting way to much enjoyment out of seeing us like this."
"Still..." he muttered, sounding like a child.
Both girls laughed and Kate patted his cheek with her hand, leaving a flour hand print on his cheek, "grow up Castle".
"Great...I have a handprint on my face now don't I?" he asked. Both girls laughed harder and nodded their confirmation. He shook his head but couldn't help smiling watching his two favorite girls laugh.
"Lex you go ahead and change and fix your face for school. I'll finish up the pancakes."
"Ok" she laughed and ran up the stairs.
Kate turned around to find Rick just staring at her with that look. That look that made her stomach turn in knots, "What Castle?" she asked, trying to sound annoyed, but failing.
He shook his head, "It's just...Meredith has been stringing Alexis around lately and I know it's been bothering her more than she'll tell me and I...I haven't...I haven't seen my daughter smile and laugh like that in a long time Kate."
Kate blushed and turned to look up the stairs where the teenager had gone, "I know I told you this already but Rick...your kid…I don't know how you did it but she's amazing."
Rick laughed, "I don't know either."
That earned another laugh from Beckett as she turned around to face him. She looked at him seriously, "Thank you for sharing her with me."
"What? Kate you're family. You know that. Don't...don't ever thank me for that. She smiled and he brought a hand to her cheek to wipe some of the flour off her face. He chuckled, "You look cute covered in flour."
She blushed, refusing to look him in the eyes. "I should umm...I should go finish those pancakes," she said softly, pulling away from him.
He grabbed her hand gently, "You know, Alexis has to leave for school in 20 minutes and then you aren't going to have any more excuses."
"Rick please," She begged, "I just...on top of everything else I can't…I just can't deal with this right now." she said pulling away and walking to the kitchen. He sighed as he watched her quickly shuffling around the kitchen. This was going to be a long day.
After Alexis left for school they busied themselves cleaning the kitchen (and living room thanks to the girls) of the flour mess. Rick decided to let the conversation drop for now, knowing if he kept at it she would just push him away even more. He had finally got her to agree to letting him be there for her with her dad, and that was enough for now.
"What time were you thinking of going to your dads?" He asked when they were almost finished cleaning.
"We have to call him...but I was thinking around 10:00? That will give me time to go home and get cleaned up." Rick gave her a worried look and she sighed, "Castle I have to go home to shower and change..."
"I know I know I just...you won't just go by yourself right? I mean if you really want to go alone I won't stand in the way I just really want to be there and..."
"Rick," she stopped him, "I want..." she took a breath and looked him in the eyes, "I need you to come with me. I'm not gonna go without you." She saw the relief that came over his face. "So, why don't I go home and shower and I'll meet you back here at 9:30?"
"Do you want me to call your dad?"
"Would you?"
He smiled, "Of course."
"Thank you," she sighed in relief, "Ok, then I'll be back at 9:30." she said as she gathered her stuff and walked to the door. She saw the look on Rick's face. He was still worried she would cut him out and go on her own. "I promise, I'll be back."
"Ok...ok I'll see you in a little bit."
She nodded, "Yes you will."
He smiled again, "Ok, bye Kate."
She just smiled at him as she walked out. He sighed again...this was going to be a very long day.
They made it to Jim's house by 10:00. Kate was looking forward to getting this over with. She thought she was ready to see him—however, when they got to his door and Castle went to knock on the door she grabbed his hand to stop him, "Wait!" she said quickly. He brought his hand down and gave her a questioning look. "I...this was a mistake Castle I can't do this yet I...I can't talk to him." she said and quickly started to walk away.
Castle caught up to her and gently grabbed her arm to spin her around, "Hey. Kate, hey, it's ok."
She shook her head frantically, "No it's not I...we shouldn't have come because I just...I can't hear about why and...and what if he's...I can't think about...and he...I don't want to get mad and yell but..."
Castle could see she was starting to panic so he lowered them down to sit against the wall and quickly wrapped his arms around her. "Listen to me," he said gently, holding her tighter when she began shaking, "It's going to be fine—Its just your dad. And I'll be there with you. And if you get upset that's ok. You are allowed to get upset, or mad, or angry."
"But if I say something..."
"Kate, he's a big boy, he can take it."
"Or he'll just get upset and start drinking more..."
He pulled back so he could look at her face, "Is that what you're afraid of? Is...is that what happened last time?"
"Whenever I would confront him he would get so mad and...and he said that I...that me yelling at him to stop drinking was only going to push him to drink more because I was upsetting him. It was like the world's worst catch 22...if I didn't do anything he would keep drinking...but if I said something he would just drink more. It...it was bad..."
"But you obviously did something that worked," he said gently.
Kate let out a sad chuckle, "Yeah, walked away..."
"What?"
She took a deep breath. She had never told anyone about this. "I...I did help him get sober last time but it...you know how you said yesterday you couldn't help someone who didn't want it?" she waited for his nod and then continued, "Well...after a year of going back and forth with him I walked away. I had spent so much time and energy trying to figure out a solution to make him want to stop but...nothing I said or did mattered. I would stay up at night researching alcoholism and trying to think of something to fix it...I didn't get any sleep...it...it was getting bad. So...I walked away. I told him to call me when he was ready to be my dad again and left. I spent...God, I spent so many nights after that wondering if he was still alive, or if he had drank himself to death or choked after he passed out. Wondering if I did the right thing…wondering if my mom would have been proud of me for walking away or mad at me. Two weeks later he called me. He had told me he would stop so many times...I hardly believed him anymore. But, this time he said he had made an appointment with a counselor and he had never done that before. I had tried to get him to go but he always refused. He told me HE was ready to get sober and get the help he needed and that HE wanted it this time. When I heard that I thought maybe he was serious about stopping, so I agreed to go with him. I told him as long as he was getting help I would be there. He stuck with it, accepted the help, so I was there. But Castle it took it getting that bad, it...it took those agonizing two weeks where I didn't even know if my dad was alive. I was so sure I had lost him too and I...if I have to go through that again I don't...I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can handle lying up at night wondering if I was going to get a call from the hospital, or keeping my phone with my 24-7...just hoping he would call...sitting in my living room alone every night after work wondering..."
"But you're not alone this time Kate," he stopped her, "that isn't going to happen because you aren't going through this alone." He cupped he cheek, "You can call me anytime, day or night. You know that. I can be there in 15 minutes-10 if I'm lucky. So if that happens, you call or come over or something." When she didn't say anything for a while he grabbed her hand, "Hey...tell me what you're thinking. What's going on in that beautiful head of yours?"
"I...I don't..." She took a breath, "I don't deserve you." she whispered.
His eyes widened, "What?" he asked confused. "Why would you...wait—is that what's been holding you back?"
"No. Yes. Maybe...I...I don't know." she stuttered, "I just...it's complicated Rick"
"It doesn't have to be." he said softly. She gave him a pleading look, "Ok I know...not right now. But just...just know that statement is wrong on so many levels Kate. But right now, let's go talk to your dad ok?" she just nodded and they stood up. She didn't let go of his hand and as they approached the door she squeezed it tighter. Before he knocked he turned to her, "You ok?"
"Yeah…but you …you're not going anywhere?"
He shook his head, "Not going anywhere. It'll be ok Kate. I promise." she just nodded and he knocked. She looked at him, fear all over her face. He just squeezed her hand in reassurance as the door opened.
"Kate, Rick. I'm glad you came"
"Hi dad." Kate said softly.
"Please, come in." he said, stepping to the side and letting them in. Castle went to let go of Kate's hand, figuring she wouldn't want him holding her hand in front of her father, and that she would want her space right now. To his surprised she gripped his hand, not allowing him to let go. He turned his hand to lace his fingers with hers and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "Please, have a seat," Jim said, gesturing to the couch, "I'll get us some ice tea." They sat on the couch in silence until Jim came back. There was a few long minutes of awkward silence, nobody knowing what to say. Finally Jim spoke up, "Katie I, I don't really know what to say."
"Me neither dad."
"I don't think there is anything I can say other than I'm really sorry."
Kate nodded, "Me too."
"This isn't going to be like last time Katie, I promise you that. I don't know if Rick told you but I poured everything down the drain already...right after you left. And I called my sponsor. I am meeting with him today. We're gonna talk about what would be the best program for me to do. They have some outpatient treatment plans that he think will be good. And I'm going to a meeting this afternoon. I'm telling you, this is not going to be like last time. I know you don't have a reason to believe me but you'll see."
"What happened dad?"
Jim sighed, "Honestly I don't know. I…it's not that simple to explain. It's not any one thing. Last year with Coonan, and Raglan this year. Things just kept coming up slowly and suddenly a few months ago everything I thought I had buried years ago came at me full force and I didn't handle it right."
"Why didn't you come to me dad? Why didn't you talk to me? Or talk to your sponsor before things got bad again? We could have helped you."
"Because I didn't want you to blame yourself …and I was embarrassed. I didn't want to admit that I was having trouble again. I was trying to ignore it...ignore my problems. You know you got that avoidance tactic from somewhere. Well...it's the same thing."
"What!?" Kate said, starting to get annoyed, "It is NOT the same thing dad! I might not like to talk about my problems but I don't drink them away! And I accept help when I need it."
"Kate..." Castle whispered, squeezing her hand to try and calm her down.
"No." she said turning to him, then back to her dad, "You don't get to compare us dad."
"Kate I'm not saying that. I'm saying...look you're right...you don't drink your problems away. But you have your own way of avoiding problems...I have mine. And Katie I love you but...yeah you accept help, but only after a fight and you know I'm right. And I'm not faulting that. I'm just trying to help you understand..."
Kate nodded, thinking back to Rick fighting with her to let him be there for her...and her ignoring her feeling something was wrong because she didn't want to face it. Maybe her father had a point. "Ok…ok I understand what you're saying."
Jim let out a breath of relief, "Good. Look, I know you are going to blame yourself for this but you can't. This is nobody's fault but my own."
"But dad...If I hadn't"
"Katherine," he interrupted, "You did nothing wrong ok. This is my responsibility, not yours."
"I'm still sorry dad."
"You shouldn't be. Katie, I don't want you to stop investigating this thing because it's making it hard on me because it's bringing everything back up. I want you to stop because it could be dangerous, and because I see what it's doing to you. I already lost your mom to these people; I couldn't handle loosing you too. And you know your mother would want you to live and be happy, not chasing this thing and burying yourself in it."
"I'm not burying myself in it!" Kate said, beginning to get defensive, "And don't make this about me. This isn't about me. I'm in control, you aren't."
"Katie..." he tried but she interrupted.
"I'm fine dad, I'm handling this. You aren't. So don't try and turn the tables."
"Kate, this has made me realize something. You investigating this thing…it's like my drinking. You can't stop once you've started—you get in it so deep you can see what it's doing to you, but others can. I am going to stop drinking. I did it before and with some work, I know I can do it again. But, I need you to stop investigating."
"I cannot believe you are doing this dad!"
"I am worried about you just like you're worried about me Katie. I'm telling you I'm gonna get help. I just want you to tell me the same."
Kate shook her head, "I can't believe this," she said going to get up but Rick tightened his hold on her hand and wouldn't let her. "Castle..." she warned.
"Kate just hear him out okay?"
"What?! No!" she said glaring at Castle then turning to her dad, "Dad, there is no reason to worry about me. Like I said, I'm FINE! You are the one who is not in control anymore. And I'm going to get to the bottom of this damn case—and I'll be just fine. I can handle it."
Jim looked at Rick, "Is she fine Rick?"
Rick opened his mouth to talk but Kate stopped him, her eyes never leaving her fathers. "Castle you better not say a word! You do NOT get to ask him that like I'm some child dad!"
"I know you aren't a child Kate, but you are my child. I did not handle things right again and started drinking. I admit that and I am going to do what I have to do to get better. I'm not saying it will be easy, or there may not be some struggles—but I want to get help now. It isn't going to get like last time. But you…I saw what this did to you last time Kate. If you keep investigating you are going to lose yourself in this again. I'm not trying to turn the tables and avoid what I did, but I think that it's time both of us let this go for good, and I think you know there is only one way to do that."
"Yeah...to find the people behind this!" she practically yelled.
"Or to let it go." Jim sat there softly.
Kate just sat there stunned. This was the last thing she expected to happen. She thought her dad would be denying he had a problem again, saying he was fine. She thought she would be trying to convince him to get help. She thought she would be confronting him—not the other way around. He was right, this wasn't like last time. He was saying he wanted help...and he wanted her to stop investigating? Her head was spinning.
Castle noticed her distress, "Kate?"
She turned to look at him and he could tell she was freaking out. "Katie I know it's a lot," her dad started, "Just...will you please consider what I said?" She just nodded, not knowing what to say, and not trusting herself to speak. "Thank you. And I promise I am not going to let you down again ok? I am getting help right away this time. It isn't going to get out of hand."
"OK" she whispered. Damn it—she didn't know whether to be happy or mad. She was so angry at her father for asking her to let the case go, but she was so relieved he wasn't denying he had a problem and that he actually wanted to get help. "But please...just talk to me, keep me in the loop. Don't ignore my calls or pull away from me. If something is getting to be too much...will you promise to talk to me?"
Jim nodded, "I promise Katie."
"And dad, same thing as last time. You are getting help so I'll be here. I want to help you in any way I can." Her dad gave her a look and she knew what he wanted to say, "I know dad...and I...I'll think about what you said. But let me go to meetings with you, or go to counseling sessions with you, go to the store with you to help you be strong...anything you need. Just please let me help."
Jim smiled at his daughter, "Thank you. Thinking about it is all I can ask for. It's more than you've been willing to do before." Kate nodded and Jim looked at his watch, "I'm sorry kids, but I have to meet my sponsor."
"Don't be sorry dad, that's a good thing." Kate said, standing from the couch with Rick. She let go of his hand to give her father a hug, "I love you dad."
"I love you too Katie. Thank you for coming over." He turned to Rick and shook his hand, "Thank you Rick."
Rick nodded, "Of course."
He grabbed Kate's hand again as they walked out of the apartment and they both missed the smile on Jim's face. They walked to the car in silence. Once they had been driving a few minutes Castle decided to ask her. He knew he shouldn't, but he just had to know...
"Kate, are you really gonna think about it? Or were you just saying that to make him happy?"
"Honestly?" she asked, looking straight ahead, "I don't know. You agree with him don't you?" she asked accusingly, turning to look at him.
"Are you going to get mad at me if I say yes?" she shrugged her shoulders and he sighed, "Why don't we go get some coffee and talk about it?"
She nodded, "Ok..."
And…..?