Once again, I'm back—and so are YOU! Last we left off, Los Guerreros ran into Shaggy and Scooby Doo—Literally! The Hardys and Lita grabbed a quick burger from a very young Wade Barrett, and HHH was promising to teach Harry Potter "the power of the pin". So now, we're going to rejoin the Hardys, as they're on their way to that curious shop with the giant pentagram on the roof…
Matt: Lita, I hope you know what you're doing with this, here.
Lita: Matt, I swear, nothing BAD is gonna' happen! I PROMISE!
Matt: Oh, yeah, you "promise", huh? Just like that time you asked me to go into the women's locker room and get your duffel bag, right?
Lita: Oh, come on, Matt! It wasn't THAT bad!
Matt: Oh come ON, Lita—Ivory and Molly beat my ass with-with those…damn…curling irons they had. And hell, I don't know WHERE Victoria got that potted plant she threw on me when I was on the ground—in fact, I STILL don't even know where she came from!
Lita (laughing a little): Oh, and don't forget how they grabbed you by your ankles and your arms and tossed you out into the hallway! Hahahahaaa!
Matt: Oh you're just full of laughs today, aren't you, Lita?
Jeff: Oh, I remember that! They threw Lita's bag out into the hallway and it landed on your head and all of her…condiments fell out—it was funny!
Matt: Shut up.
Lita: My…condiments? What? Am I a hot dog, now?
Jeff sees the shop in the distance…
Jeff: I see the shop in the distance! (Yeah, I specialize in "next instant foreshadowing", lol.)
They drive up to the front of the building and all three slowly exit the, ahem…vehicle.
Matt: Lita, I-I don't know about this. This shit looks scary.
Jeff: Yeah, It does. Fortunately, I have my trusty ladder for protection.
Jeff pulls a ladder out of his trunks as Matt just shakes his head.
Lita: Well, I'm curious. C'mon, boys!
They make their way into the dark shop, the walls appear to be decorated with glow-in-the-dark stars, giving it sort of a "looking into the cosmos" effect to the ambience.
Lita (looking around): Uh…hello?
Suddenly a light comes on, thereby illuminating the entire shop, which ACTUALLY has black-painted walls. A lady, about mid-late 20's rises up from behind the counter…
Lady: Hello, may I help you?
Lita (looking at the way this lady's dressed): Uh…yyyyyeah…I really just wanted to see what kind of place this was, is all.
Lady: Look around, hon. This is my shop—Devil's Interior Lusty Desire Orifice, or D.I.L.D.O., for short.
Matt: Wha? Dildo?
Lady: It's my sex toy store—I know what you're thinking, and we don't sell what your boss is looking for. I'm afraid that the particular mag HE wants in deep within the bowels of London. Hey, my name's Katherine. I saw you coming in an augury that I was having. I see, you are on a journey?
Jeff: Well, yeah, we're—
Katherine: No, no—don't tell me! You're on a journey for you egomaniacal windbag of a boss to get him some liquor and porn! Right?
Lita: Damn, you're good.
Katherine: There is nothing that I cannot read, there is nothing that I cannot see—well maybe except Mark Henry if you shut off the lights in any given room.
(Jeff and Matt snicker a little bit)
Lita: Hahaa…well, could you tell us who's gonna' win this thing?
Katherine: Wait—let me see. Ah…aha! The winner is…is…Hmm, how about this? You let me join you on your journey and I may be able to help you win.
Lita: Well, it didn't really answer my question, but…boys?
Boys: Yeah?
Lita: Should we have her join us?
Jeff: Sure, I like goth chicks, anyway!
Katherine: Ah…so I seemed to convince you, then. Ok, let's take our leave!
(Katherine playfully slides her arm on the inside of Jeff's as Jeff just grins like a Cheshire cat. Matt and Lita hang back a little and Matt whispers…)
Matt: Do you REALLY think this is a good idea? I mean, look at the way this chick looks- blue hair, dark BROWN hair, friggin' bleached blonde and red hair highlights—not to mention this chick's pale-as-a-ghost. What was her dad? A piece of chalk?
Lita: MATTHEW! Quit being so damn ignorant!
Katherine (far up ahead): I HEARD that, Matt! Don't make me cast a spell on your ass! I can give you diarreah for DAYS, sweetie! Oh, and I LOVE your, um…car.
Lita's has a hand over her mouth and is giggling as Matt looks surprised that she heard him.)
Matt (muttering): How the royal fuck did she hear me?
Lita: I don't know, but you're gonna' hafta' watch you mouth, now—aint'cha, baby? Teeeheheee!
Matt smirks as he and Lita head for the…vehicle. As they head for the vehicle, there's a rather small hot air balloon landing a few feet from where they're parked…
Jeff: Hey, check THAT out!
Katherine: Damn, that's the smallest hot air balloon I've ever seen.
Lita (running to catch up): Hey, what's this up here?
Katherine: It looks like a little girl and her pet cat, I guess. Wait—oh HELL no! Where the hell did THIS little bitch come from?
Lita: Katherine! She's just a little girl, ease up.
Katherine: Just a little girl? This 'little wonder' here is one of the most annoying…people on the planet!
Little girl: HELLO EVERYBODYYYY!
Matt (smiling): Oh, I recognize you! I'm Matt Hardy! Nice to meet you—my little cousin LOVES you!
Little girl: NICE TO MEET YOU MATT HARDY! MY NAME'S DORA—DORA THE EXPLORER! AND THIS IS MY CAT, MITTENS! CAN YOU ALL SAY "MITTENS"?
(Meanwhile, Dora and Mittens are both standing there, looking at the group with that smile she always gets when she's waiting on someone to pronounce or say something…)
…
Dora: C'MON…SAY…MITTENS!
…
Dora: DON'T BE SHY…SAY…MITTENS—YEAH, IN SPANISH, YOU'D SAY…"SOY MITTENS"!
(The group just look at one another and Matt says…)
Matt: Uh…soy…Mittens?
Dora: THAT'S GREAT, THAT'S GREAT…SOY…MITTENS! WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING?
Matt: Well, Dora—our boss told us to pick him up some liquor and a reeeally naughty magazine.
Dora: IT'S OK MATT! YOU CAN KEEP IT REAL WITH ME! YOUR BOSS WANTS BEER AND PORN! CAN YOU SAY—PORN?
…
Dora: C'MON, TRY IT…SAY…PORN!
…
Dora: LOOK I KNOW YOU ASSHOLES CAN DO IT—SAY, PORN!
(The whole group, suddenly startled, all says "porn" in unison…)
Dora: THAT'S BETTER—OK, LET'S GOOOOOO!
So the group looks at each other and just shrug.
Matt (sighs): Ok, come on everyone, we gotta' find a hotel. It's been a long journey so far, so it's time to hit the hay.
(We'll let them find a hotel and we'll join up with Los Guerreros, Trish, Shaggy, and Scooby, as they've just found lodging at an old Victorian hotel …)
Eddie: Ok, listen up. We're gonna' meet in the lobby at 6am SHARP, so let's all get some sleep, ok? No bullshitting around, because if you're not with us when we're ready, we WILL leave, ese!
Trish: Oh, don't worry about me, that dinner we had—ugh, I'm so full, I could sleep for an eternity!
Shaggy: Yeah, me and Scoob here, we LOVED the ribs!
Scooby (licking his lips with that juicy-slobber thing he does): RRRIBS, RRRIBS, REEEEERICIOUS!
Chavo: Well good. I'm off to bed (yawns), see you guys tomorrow!
(They all go to their respective rooms, but we'll stay with Shaggy and Scooby…)
Shaggy: Hey Scoob, let's go down to the kitchen and see if they have anymore of those ribs!
Scooby: RRRRIGHT, RAGGY!
The hotel is closed and the kitchen is dark. Shaggy and Scooby tiptoe their way down to the kitchen…
Shaggy: Mmmm-Mmmm, Scoob! I can taste those ribs right now!
Scooby: REAH, RE TOO!
Shaggy pulls a flashlight from his pocket and turns it on…
Shaggy: That fridge has to be around here somewhere, Scoob.
He finds the fridge and as he and Scooby take steps toward the refrigerator, with each step they take, they hear an extra two steps…
Scooby (turning): Huh?
Scooby turns around and sees a large dark figure with glowing eyes slowly creeping toward him and Shaggy, who's currently bent over raiding the fridge. Scooby literally turns white and taps Shaggy on the shoulder as his teeth are audibly chattering…
Shaggy: Not now, Scoob!
Scooby (teeth chattering): R-R-RAGGGY!
Shaggy: Hold on, Scoob, there's plenty for everybody!
Suddenly, the monster taps Shaggy on the shoulder…
Monster (tapping Shaggy): Mmm..Raaargh…
Shaggy: Scoob, if you don't knock it off..
Monster (tapping Shaggy again): I SAID…..RAAARGH!
Shaggy: Who are you growling at Sc—
Shaggy turns and sees the monster, he leaps up in the air, throwing the food as he's scared witless, and starts to run-of course, running in mid-air before he lands and takes off! The monster has his hands out and the food falls into his hand—a piece of bread, a picle, a whole ham, some hamburgers, a head of lettuce, and another piece of bread on top. The monster looks at the accidentally-assembled sandwich…
Monster: GRROOOOOWRRR! (munch, munch, munch…gulp) MMMMM!
Monster wipes off his mouth and, suddenly from behind him, a hand snatches off the monster's mask…
Trish: A-HA! I should've known it was you!
Shaggy: Do you believe it, Scoob? The person trying to keep us from getting the food was THE BIG SHOW!
Big Show (all of a sudden tied up): Aww…and I would've gotten ALL the food to myself if it weren't for the former 7-time Women's champion!
Trish: That'll teach ya! Guys, take him away!
All of a sudden, the hotel concierge appears and escorts Big Show off of the premises.
Shaggy: That was groovy, Trish!
Scooby: ROOVY, ROOOVY! A-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE!
Trish: I thought I might find you two down here! C'mon, we gotta' be up early tomorrow. Let's go, guys!
We'll let them get some shuteye, and join up with Hogan and the bunch, as they, too, have found lodging for the night…
Hogan: Ok nWo-ites! Here's the deal—we meet up tomorrow morning at 6, ok? We don't want that dirty spic Guerrero making us look foolish!
Nash: Ok, each of you take a room, I'm getting some shuteye.
So the boys separate and head into their respective rooms. What say we join Otacon and Snake? Yeah, let's just do that…
Snake: Otacon, I'm horny, dude.
Otacon: Umm…I'm a guy, why are you telling me this?
Snake: Because, we need a mission WITHIN this mission.
Otacon: What'd you have in mind?
Snake: Well, I know there's an all-night aerobics studio down in the basement of this hotel.
Otacon (smiling): Wait-don't tell me—I know exactly what you're thinking! Let's go!
Snake: We'll keep in contact by Codec.
Otacon: Cool!
Otacon turns on his stealth mechanism and heads out the door and down to the basement. Snake follows soon thereafter…
Snake's Codec beeps…
Snake (crouched down behind a couch in the lobby): Yeah, what is it Otacon?
Otacon: Snake, I spotted Genome soldiers guarding the entrance to the women's shower room! You're gonna' have to be careful. I'm already inside, heheheee!
Snake: Shit! Alright, got'cha!
Otacon's screen closes and Snake quickly scurries toward the basement. He sees the Genome soldiers on guard…
Snake (taking a deep breath): Ok Snake, you can do this!
Snake knocks on the wall nearby one of the genome soldiers and the soldier, with an IQ of a doorknob turns and…
Genome Soldier: Huh? What was THAT noise?
Snake jumps him from around the corner and chokes him out, he picks up the Ruger that the soldier dropped and heads on into the women's locker area and quickly hides in one of the lockers. Where he can see out of the vents at the top of the locker door…
Snake (muttering): See, if I wouldn't have cheated on Meryl, I wouldn't HAVE to be—Naw, I'd still probably be doing this shit.
Snake sees a bunch of girls come out of the shower and his dick gets so erect so fast, it makes a "BOONK" sound against the locker. The girls don't hear it because they're so busy talking and giving each other back rubs with lotion. Suddenly, Snake hears panting…
Snake (muttering to himself): Damn…I know that sick little gasp anywhere…Otacon's probably about to—
Just as he was saying that, one of the girls notices that her towel on the floor is moving by itself and she was hearing a noise like someone panting…
Girl: Wait, what's that noise? It sounds like someone…panting?
Suddenly, without warning, a flood of sperm came blasting toward her from the vicinity of her towel, which was no longer moving, but she could hear footsteps of someone running away.
Girl: Hey, did you all just see someone running?
Other girls: No, we didn't
Girl: Hmm…
Snake just sighs to himself and shakes his head.
Ok, I'm closing here tonight—for those wondering about DX, they're fine. HHH just wouldn't stop pinning the other hotel guests, so Harry casted a sleeping spell on him with a built-in "body alarm" set to go off at 6 sharp.
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See you again—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!