Ok, here we go again—this is sort of the previous chapter, continued, if you will. We'll catch up with DX and the crew as they're on the road…
Tifa: So…uh, HBK…is it?
HBK (smiling): That's right—you're talkin' to the Heart BREAK kid!
Tifa: Oh, I see. Well, how'd you get that nickname, if I may ask?
HBK: Well, it started a long time ago—around 1990, I think. My boss's assistant—Pat Patterson-had a crush on me.
Tifa: Okay, go on.
HBK: Well, the feeling wasn't exactly mutual, in that regard. Yeah, you see, back then I-I was going through a…a phase.
Cloud: A…phase?
HBK: Um…right. I kinda' had a thing going with my old tag partner, Marty Jennetty.
Cloud: Ok, so you were…involved with your tag partner and Pat was jealous, right?
Donald: Sheeeeeeiiiit…you an' that cracka' Marty up in here takin' it up the ass! Straight up PRISON style, bitches!
HBK: Well yeah, pretty much. In fact, I remember one match we had at Madison Square Garden years back. It was ME and Marty versus Demolition—it was for the WWF tag-team championships. Well, Marty had Ax pinned, and I'm thinking that we're gonna' get crowned as the new champs, and here comes Pat Patterson running down the aisle carrying a water bottle and not wearing ANY pants!
Donald: DAYUM, nigga!
HBK: Right! So, Mr. Fuji leaps up on the apron and distracts the ref while Pat gets into the ring, drinks some water, and starts PISSING on Marty! Some piss gets in Marty's eye and Demolition Ax rolls him up for the pinfall!
X-Pac: Well shit, dude—what happened next?
HBK: Ok, well Pat gets on the mic and says, "You broke my heart, kid! I wanted buttsex and you just refused me for the last time!" Then he threw the mic down and headed toward the back!
Tifa: Wow…so, how'd your boss react to THAT?
HBK: Well, he called me into his office and told me that he wanted me to have a new nickname—"the Heart break kid"—to "commemorate" breaking Pat Patterson's heart. And, Tifa—THAT was when I TRULY learned just how much backstage influence Pat really had.
(The others all just look at each other, shaking their heads in disbelief…)
HHH: You know something, Sephiroth?
Sephiroth: What is it, mortal?
HHH: You ever been in a cage match?
Sephiroth: Why…no, I haven't. Have you ever defeated an opponent who was strong to all elemental attacks and with fully upgraded armor and accessories?
HHH: Hmm…no, but I bet I could get my wife to write that into a storyline!
Sephiroth: I must say, mortal—you speak of this wife of yours as if she is all-powerful. I should very much like to meet her.
HHH: Oh yeah, she's great. I gotta' say—I LOVE being a part of HER family—I mean…I'm friggin' UNTOUCHABLE, dude! No one can defeat me—it's GREAT!
Sephiroth: I could defeat you.
HHH (snarling): No, you couldn't—because I'm the GAME!
Sephiroth: Mortal, no one can defeat the mighty Sephiroth—just ask Cloud and X-Pac!
Xpac: Um, yeah—he's telling the truth, dude. It took MY ass 13 tries to beat him, and just when I was going to land the finishing blow, my game froze!
HHH (smirking): Hahaha…I usually cause that to happen when someone pins me in my new video game "Smack Down: Here Comes the Pain".
Cloud: Yeah, TELL me about it! No matter WHO I am when I play that, when it comes time to face HHH in the tournament and I have him beat, my game always freezes! That's some bullshit, dude!
HHH: Now, now, everybody—it's just a game! Besides, I AM the Game, and I KNOW you can't PLAY my ass!
Harry: But, why would we want to…play with your arse?
HHH: Um, kid?
Harry: What is it, Mr. H?
HHH: Yeah, uh...try not to think, you'll hurt yourself.
(Ok, let's leave them be and join up for a night on the town with the nWo!)
Hulk: Ok dudes—here's the way this is gonna' play…
Hall: Ok, what's up, mang?
Hulk: We're all gonna' go get some drinks and catch some entertainment, or something—that cool, guys?
Everyone: Yeah, let's go!
Hulk: Ok, cool—ok, there's a strip joint up the road here, brothers! Otacon, you don't have to use your stealth in here since the ladies are ALREADY gonna' be naked.
Otacon (reappearing): Ok, cool. Works for me!
Nash (disgusted): Otacon!
Otacon: What? What's wrong?
Nash (calmly): Otacon…please, put your dick BACK in your pants. And put that lotion away! You trying to get us thrown in jail out here?
Otacon (sheepishly): Oops…my bad, guys.
Hulk: Ok, any questions?
Hall: Nope, I'm good, mang.
Hulk: Cool, lets get a parking spot and go on in.
(Hulk drives around the block a few times…)
Hulk: Dude, I have a headache, brothers! Ain't no damn spaces out here!
Nash: Hey, how about using that "big boot" function?
Hulk: Damn, why didn't I think of that?
(Hulk presses the big boot button and, once again, the legs protrude from the front of the car, effectively pushing the other cars further up the street as he pulls into a parking spot just outside the club…)
Hulk: Ah, there we go! C'mon, let's go in!
(The cars parked in front of them are all jammed on top of one another, some are pushed out in the crowded streets, others are pushed underneath taller vehicles, etc—hell, you get the picture.)
(And, so the guys head inside and take a seat…)
Snake: Hm…this is kind of a dive.
Otacon: Yeah, it is a bit of a dive.
Nash: Yeah, but it's places like this one that have a sexiest strippers!
Hall: Yeah, mang! There's this one club in Miami—the strippers are so nasty there.
Otacon: What happened?
Hall: Chico—lemme' tell you—this one skank got finished dancing on the pole and she left a streak of some kind of..stuff on the pole.
Nash: Hahaha…Ugh, man!
Hall: I know, I was laughin' my ass off! Well, my main mang had too much to drink and he stumbled up on stage and smelled the pole and TASTED the fluid!
Snake: EEEEEE! I can't BELIEVE he'd do that!
Hall: Yeah, he said it smelled like eggs and tasted like…sour milk, dude.
Hulk: Damn brother…you gotta' get some new friends.
(Just then, a stripper comes out to their table an starts dancing with a thong on…)
Nash: C'mon baby, show me that sweet Jap booty!
Hall: Yeah, c'mon—WORK it, chico!
(The stripper smiles, turns her butt toward Nash and starts dancing seductively. Nash looks and is visibly disappointed…)
Hall: What's wrong, mang?
Nash: This sucks!
Snake: Yeah, I know what you mean, Kev. This DOES suck!
Hulk: Guys, guys! I'm trying to enjoy the stripper!
Snake: Well, YOU can enjoy her—personally, I prefer a woman whose BUTT doesn't look like a couple of…fucking…CD cases!
Nash: What kind of strip joint IS this? This chick has NO ass to even SPEAK of! Look at the g-string—it has SLACK in it, dude! Are you KIDDING me?
Hall: Damn!
Snake: Kev, over here in THIS country NONE of the women have asses. I think it's like, tradition, or something. Especially since when the men and women are walking down the street somewhere and you happen to be following them, you really can't tell who's who.
Nash: Yeah, fucking TELL me about it, man! Look at-the-the fucking string ain't supposed to be showing! It's supposed to be covered by…booty-meat! Now can I get a "Whoa bootymeat"?
Snake, Hall, Otacon, and Nash put their hands on top of each other and yell: WHOOOOOAAA BOOOTYMEAT!
Nash: Hulk, you can stay here—we're gonna' hit the karaoke bar next door.
Hulk: Cool…see you dudes later.
(So Nash and the others, except Hulk, head over to the karaoke bar. They go in and some Japanese guy is trying to sing "You Light Up my Life", by Debby Boone—except HIS version is off-key and off-timing…)
Singer:…and YOOOOOOUUUU…RIIIITE UP MYYYY RIIIIIIFE…YOU…GAVE ME HOOOOOPE…AND YOOOOOOOUUUU…RIIIITE UP MY RIIIIIIIFE…
Nash (fingers in his ears): Damn, they just let ANYONE on stage, huh?
Hall: Well, it IS a karaoke bar, chico.
(Just then, the dude starts singing a…CHRISTMAS SONG? Yep, 'fraid so—complete with bad timing AND pitch!...)
Singer: DECK…THE HARRS RIF BARS OF HORRY—FA-RA-RA-RA-RAAA-RA-RA-RA-RAAAAA! TIIIIS…THE SEASON TO BE JORRRY…FA-RA-RA-RA-RA, RA-RA-RA-RAAAAA…
Snake: Damn, this guy sounds like an X-Factor contestant!
Nash: You wanna' get up there and try singing?
Snake: No way, dude. The whole purpose of GOING to one of these types of bars is to get something to post on YouTube—or you're just in the mood for a good laugh and maybe don't have the funds to go to a decent comedy club.
Otacon: Yeah, Snake's right on that one, Kev. That's the only reason I come to these types of clubs—well…THAT and using my stealth to sneak in the women's restroom and get more footage for my website.
Nash: You're a nasty li'l something other, you know that?
Otacon (smiling): Yep.
(Meanwhile, Hall takes the stage! Kev turns around in shock…)
Nash: What the—Scott, what are you doing?
Scott (drunkenly staggering and holding a half-empty martini glass): Heeeeey chico, whassshup? Ahahahahahaaa!
Snake: Damn, he's fucked up.
Hall: Ok, ladiesh and gentlmmmen..for my ssshhhong, I'm singin' a classhic! *hic* I'm deicating thissshh to my ex-wife—I LOVE YOU *hic* BABY! OK GUYSSSH—HIT IT, WHOOOOOOOOO!
(The music starts—and so does Hall…)
Hall (playing air-guitar with his martini glass): YOU LIIIIIIGHT…THE *HIC* SK-SKIIIIES…UP ABOOOOVE MEEEEEEE…
Snake: Damn.
Nash: What's up, Snake?
Snake: You know, before NOW, I used to like that song.
.
Ok, I'll leave it off here for this go-round. As you can see, everyone's having a good time—well, maybe not Solid Snake. But anyway…
Don't forget to join my ass next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!