Damn, here we go again! One thing that was noticeably absent from the last two chapters was Team Extreme—remember them? Lol! But…never fear, I bring them to you in THIS chapter—think of it as "part three" of chapter 11…
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The Hardys and crew have just stopped at a shopping mall…
Matt (sighing): Lita, please…don't take too long—we're on the clock!
Lita: I know, I know—don't worry, we won't be long.
Matt: That's what you say ALL the time!
Lita: Look…your arguing with me isn't making me come back any sooner—
Matt: Ok fine then—bye!
Lita: Toodles!
Jeff: Hey Katherine, can you, like, summon somebody for us to talk to, or something?
Katherine (thinking): Hmm…sure! Here goes…ahem! PEOPLE WHO ARE WRONG, PEOPLE WHO WORK AS A SNIPER, PEOPLE WHO GO CRAZY, PEOPLE SO HYPER, IN THE TWIKLING OF AN EYE, GIVE ME ROWDY RODDY PIPER!
Matt (facepalm): …Oh no.
Jeff: Yeah!
Hot Rod materializes right into their…car.
Roddy: WHAT'S UP KIDS? OL' HOT ROD HERE, CHILLIN' WITH THE HARDYS, BABY! YEAH!
Katherine (giggling): Have fun, boys!
(The girls enter the mall giggling amongst themselves…)
Matt: Hey, WAIT—
Roddy: OH C'MON KID! YOU SHOULD FEEL PRIVELEGED TO BE AROUND A LIVING LEGEND SUCH AS THE OL' HOT ROD!
Jeff: Well, I'm exited, Mr. Piper!
Roddy: HAHAAA, GREAT, KID!
Matt: Anyway, Jeff—I was telling you earlier, that that stuck-up broad Molly said she was tired of people "leering at her butt". She even accused ME of—
Roddy (TOTALLY cutting Matt off): -AWW YEAH, THE OL' HOT ROD LOVES TO STARE AS ASSES! HAHAHA…YEAH, I BELIEVE…YEAH, I BELIEVE THAT—HEY KID, YOU EVER SEE WENDY RICHTER'S UNDERWEAR? HUH?
Matt (glancing at Jeff): Ummm…no?
Roddy: WELL KID, LEMME' TELL YA'—IT HAS DICK HOLES IN IT! BABY YEAH!
Jeff: Hahaha!
Matt: Um…what does that have to do with—
Roddy: DON'T INTERRUPT ME, KID! YOU KNOW, I PROPOSED AN IDEA TO VINCE ONE TIME AND HE SHOT IT DOWN, DAMNIT!
Jeff: Well, what'd you tell him?
Roddy: I SAID THAT HE SHOULD HIRE MORE DEAF GIRLS TO BE DIVAS, YOU KNOW? HAHAHA!
Matt: Deaf girls? Why?
Roddy: KIDDO, IT ALLLLL STEMS FROM A WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE I HAD WHILE DATING A DEAF GIRL BACK IN THE 90'S!
Jeff: What was this "wonderful experience"?
Roddy: WELL, ON NIGHT, I WAS OVER HER PLACE, JUST RAT-A-TAT-TATTIN' THAT ASS FROM BEHIND, RIGHT? WELL, THAT'S WHEN IT HIT ME—I COULD SO CALL MY FRIENDS WHILE I'M PORKIN' THIS CHICK!
Matt (facepalm): Dude…are you…are you SERIOUS?
Roddy: HAHAHA…YEAH BUDDY! I CALLED MY BOY AND I SAID TO HIM, I SAID—"DUDE, YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M DOING RIGHT NOW!" HE SAYS, HE SAYS, "NO, WHAT'RE YOU DOING, MAN?" I TELL HIM, "DUDE I'M SO DOING IT RIGHT NOW!"
Jeff: Bwahahaaa…what'd HE say?
Matt: Jeff, stop encouraging him.
Jeff: But…I-I wanna' know! That's a pretty good idea!
Roddy: OK SO I TELLS HIM, I TELLS HIM, "NO, NO, LISTEN!" I PUT THE PHONE DOWN RIGHT BEHIND HER HEAD AND HE COULD HER HER MOANIN'! I TALL YA' MAN, THE HOT ROD WAS PUTTIN' IT ON HER THAT DAY!
Jeff: Yeah, I see—so what'd he say next?
Roddy: HE WAS ALL "NO WAAAAY MAN, HOW CAN YOU TALK WHILE YOU'RE BOINKIN' HER?" I SAYS TO HIM, "SHE'S DEAF—SHE CAN'T HEAR A WORD OF THIS! SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW I'M TALKING TO YA', MAN!"
Roddy and Jeff share a brief laugh…
Matt: You know, that's some shameful shit, dude.
Roddy: AW HELL, NO SHAME IN MY GAME, BUDDY! WELL, ANYWAY, VINCE SHOT MY IDEA DOWN—HE DIDN'T INITIALLY, THOUGH!
Jeff: He didn't?
Roddy: NOPE! HE HIRED THIS ONE DEAF CHICK AND PUT HER IN A DARK MATCH WITH MOOLAH! WELL, THE DEAF GIRL APPLIED A FIGURE-4 LEGLOCK TO MOOLAH, BUT SHE COULDN'T HEAR MOOLAH SUBMIT OR THE BELL RINGING OVER AND OVER…AND OVER…AND OVER—YOU GET IT, KID! MOOLAH WAS BOWLEGGED UP UNTIL SHE KICKED THE BUCKET A COUPLE YEARS BACK!
Matt: Well damn, ANY dummy could've seen THAT happening!
Roddy: WELL NOT OL' VINNIE MAC! HE WANTED RATINGS, NO MATTER WHAT IT TOOK! IN FACT, HE GAVE THE GIRL ANOTHER CHANCE—HE GAVE HER A CHANCE TO RALLY THE AUDIENCE—SHE'D BE YELLING SOMETHING—USUALLY SOMETHING INCOHERENT—FOR THE AUDIENCE TO YELL BACK, BUT IT'D NEVER FUCKING END!
Jeff: Well how wouldn't it end?
Roddy: NO, NO KID, YOU'RE NOT REMEMBERING SHE'S DEAF, THIS GIRL—SHE'D BE YELLING SOMETHING FOR THE AUDIENCE TO YELL BACK AT HER AND SHE'D JUST KEEP SMILING AND YELLING BACK—"I CAN'D HEEEEAAAAR YOUUUUU". THE CROWD WOULD BE ALL "RAH-RAH-RAHRAHRAH!" AND SHE'D REPLY, "I CAN'D HEEEAAAAR YOUUUUU"—OVER AND OVER AGAIN, LIKE THAT!
Jeff: Damn, man…what was the final straw? When did Vince finally have enough?
Roddy: WELL I ONLY HEARD ABOUT THIS ONE, BUT IT SEEMS THAT VINCE TRIED TO CALL HER ONE NIGHT FOR SOME SECRET BUTT-LOVIN' BECAUSE LINDA WAS OUT OF TOWN, OR SOMETHING—I DUNNO. WELL, VINCE CALLS THIS CHICK—TOTALLY FORGETTING THAT SHE'S DEAF—AND KEEPS SAYING "HELLO?", HELLO?", "HELLO?" FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES. HE SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND APPARENTLY CALLS UP KING KONG BUNDY "BECAUSE HE COULD USE A GOOD TITTY FUCK".
Matt: God DAMN!
Roddy: AHAHAHAAA! YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT, KID—YOU KIDS THINK HE'S BAD NOW? HE WAS REEEEAAALLY RAW BACK IN THOSE DAYS! WE'D BE IN HIS OFFICE SIGNING CONTRACT EXTENSIONS AND HE'D BE DOIN' LINES OF COKE RIGHT IN FRONT OF US! BUT ANYWAY, IT WAS AFTER THAT LAST "INCIDENT" THAT HE LET THE DEAF GIRL'S CONTRACT EXPIRE!
Jeff: Well…shit, man.
(Let's leave the guys and see what's taking the girls so long…)
Katherine: I dunno', I think it's a little over the top for MY tastes, but, Lita, YOU'RE the one who's gonna' have to wear it, you know?
Lita: Yeah, I was kinda' thinking the same thing—I'm not really the lace bra and panties type.
Dora: HEYYYYY…LITA, KATHY…DO YOU THINK THAT I'D LOOK GOOD IN THIS?
(Dora is holding up a matching set of a period-red-colored lace bra and thong.)
Katherine giggles a bit. Lita, on the other hand…
Lita: What do you think you're doing? The little girls' section is over THERE—I suggest you use it, young lady!
Dora: AWWW…BUT I WANNA PLAY HOUSE WITH MATTIE WHEN WE GET TO THE HOTEL TONIGHT!
Katherine: Bwaaaahahahaaa!
Lita: I beg your pardon?
Dora: WHY CAN'T I PLAY HOUSE WITH MATTIE? MATTIE'S COMING HOME FROM A HAAAAARD DAY'S WORK AND I WANNA' MAKE HIM FEEL ALL COMFY AND COZY AT HOME!
Lita lunges for Dora and Katherine holds her back.
Katherine: Umm…Dora, honey?
Dora: YYYYESSSS?
Katherine: I-I think you should go over to the kids aisle like a good little girl, mmkaaay?
Dora (shrugs): OK THEN…C'MON MITTENS! (her cat, in case you forgot)
Lita (intense whispering): OOH! Katherine! I swear, I swear, I SWEAR!
Katherine (whispering): Lita, get a HOLD of yourself, you're a 3-time Women's champ! She's only a little KID!
Lita (tears forming): I know, I know *sniff*, damn…brat. C'mon, let's go get this shit checked out, then.
Just then, Katherine's phone starts ringing…
Katherine: Hmm? Oh no…not HIM again…
Lita (smiling a bit): *sniff* Who?
Katherine (sighing): My ex. Lita, you ever have an ex who didn't really believe that the relationship was over with?
Lita: Hahaha…yeah, I've had my share! Buuuut, I've learned my lesson!
Katherine: Learned your lesson? What do you mean?
Lita: Well, after about my 3rd stalker, I've learned to "pull up on my skills" a little bit, hahaha!
Katherine: What do you mean?
Lita: Look, we're adults, so I'm gonna' be straight with you—when you do something wild, like if you let someone pull anal beads from out of your ass it DOES seem to have the effect of making someone show up at your job!
Katherine: Hahaha…wooooow!
Lita: Yeah, I was working for ECW at the time and my ex KEPT knocking on Paul Heyman's office door looking for me—this clown was asking MY BOSS where I was so that I could "let him do that again"! Oh, not to mention, he was dressed in his undershirt, his boxers, some dress socks and some loafers!
Katherine: Damn, girl! I'd have NEEEEVER let anyone do that to me!
Lita: See? You're ahead of the game already! So, are you going to answer it, or…what?
Katherine (rolling her eyes and answering her phone): What is it, Claudio?
(Incoherent talk from over the phone)
Katherine (frowning): NO! I don't wanna' suck your old…shriveled-up dick, loser!
(Lita's laughing a little…)
Katherine: No—no—BULLSHIT, Claudio! See? That's why I dumped your ass!
(More incoherent talk from over the phone)
Katherine: Yeah? Whatever, BITCH! Oh, hahaha—and that teddy bear you got me? I used it to wipe my ass because it was on FIRE after eating all those jalepeno wings you cooked for me last weekend! *click*
Lita: Wow…I didn't know you could COOK, Kathy!
(Katherine just shoots Lita a dirty look as Lita just holds her hands up…)
Lita: Ok, ok…sorry I said anything, let's go get checked out of here.
(Ok, so since they're almost done, let's check back in on the boys…)
Roddy: …AND I WAS SCREAMIN'…BEGGIN'…I SAYS, I SAYS, "OH PRETTY PLLLEEEEASE MR. HEYMAN, COULD YOU FIND MY GIRLFRIEND AMY SO THAT SHE CAN LET ME PULL THESE ANAL BEADS FROM OUT OF HER ASS?"
Matt: Ok, and what did he say?
Roddy: MATT, HE WAS SUCH A RATINGS WHORE—HE SAID, "NOT UNLESS YOU AGREE TO DO IT DURING OUR NEXT SHOW—I CAN PICTURE IT NOW—WRESTLING LEGEND MAKES AN APPEARANCE AT THE E-C-W ARENA TO PULL ANAL BEADS OUT OF MS. CONGENIALITY!"
Jeff: Hahahaaaa! I can hear ol' Joey Styles now—"OH MY GAWD, RODDY PIPER IS PULLING THE ANAL BEADS ALL-THE-WAY OUT OF MS. CONGENIALITY!" Hahahahaaaaa!
Matt (thinking): Heeeey…wait a—WAIT A MINUTE! Ms. Congeniality was…Lita? Wasn't it?
Roddy (glancing around quickly): UH…UM…I-DON'T…MAYBE, AHEHEHEHE…HEH!
Matt how'd the hell did YOUR crazy ass manage to get her to do that? I can't even get her to suck my DICK—not even when I dip it in tequila!
(Roddy and Jeff look at each other and then back at Matt…)
Jeff: Damn…you're the oldest one of us, man—I'd have thought you'd at LEAST have sealed the deal with her by now!
Matt: Shut up, Jeffrey.
(So the women come out of the store and Roddy sees them…)
Roddy: HEEEEEY, THE GIRLS ARE BACK! CAN I TAG ALONG?
All three girls: NO!
Roddy: AH FUCK!
Roddy shrugs and drops a smoke bomb and disappears. As he's disappearing…
Roddy (smiling): HEY LITA, I STILL HAVE THOSE ANAL BEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAADS…
Everyone turns and looks at Lita…
Lita (embarrassed and rolling her eyes): I swear—I can't fucking stand him. Let's go, everyone.
So, the Hardys and company pull off toward town in a puff of smoke!
Thanks for tuning in and I want you to tune in again next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!