Alright, alright already—I KNOW it's been a while, but I had shit to do. But I'm back now, so let's do this thing, here! Last we left off, we were hanging with DX and the Hardys'. This time, however, we're gonna' look in on the nWo and their mini-quest to get Otacon laid and then we're gonna' peek in on Los Guerreros. Since it's morning in England, where DX and the Hardys are, it HAS to be getting to nightfall in Japan—ah, so it IS! Let's join up with the nWo, as they're in yet another strip club…
Otacon: Umm…guys, I gotta' go use the john. I'll be right back.
Hall: Eh chico, don't rush on our behalf.
Nash: Yeah, take your time, li'l man!
The boys wait until Otacon leaves, and then…
Hogan: Ok guys, I've been scoping out that girl over there in the black dress and those high heels, brother.
Nash: Yeah, I see what you mean, man. She's a meeeeean piece of womanhood!
Snake: So, you guys thinking about hooking that chick up with Otacon, or something?
Hogan: EXACTLY! We need to have her primed and ready for when Otacon returns.
Hall: You want me to, uh? You know?
Hogan: I don't know, brother Scott—you're too aggressive at times—hey Nash, why don't you do this one?
Nash: Alright, I'll give it a shot.
Nash makes his way over to the lady, who's sat at a table with a bunch of pocketbooks and purses around her. Nash motions to the waitress to get them two drinks and they engage in conversation…
Hall: Looks like big Kev is workin' his magic, huh?
Hogan: Yeah, he's always been smooth like that.
Otacon makes his way back over to the table.
Snake: Damn, you're back quickly! Wait—don't tell me you didn't wash your hands!
Otacon: What? Of COURSE I did!
Snake: Now—it's not like last time, is it?
Otacon: Oh come on, Snake! I'm a scientist, for God's sake!
Snake: Yeah, but you're ALSO a nasty li'l fucker—you didn't wash your hands by…peeing on them again, did you?
Hall: Ugh…chico.
Otacon: NO…It so happens that I kept it clean this time!
Snake: Well good, because tonight, we have a li'l something for you, man.
Hulk: Yeah brother, just wait!
Otacon: Great—I LOVE surprises!
Just then, two girls invite Hulk up on stage to dance with them. Hulk sips his beer and takes it up on stage with him…
Hulk: Duty calls, brother!
Hall: Wait up, mang!
Hall runs to the DJ's booth and pulls a CD out of his tights. The DJ nods and puts Hall's CD on. The music starts playing and Hall gets on the mic…
Hall: Uh…yo, this is to my main mang, Hollywood, up on stage kickin' it with the ladies!
Hall raises his beer mug up to Hogan as the nWo entrance theme plays over the speaker system.
Hulk: Awesome, brother! This is my SHIT!
Hulk's in between the two topless strippers playing air guitar, as they're on either side of him, doing the butterfly. He does that circular hand-waving thing he does before he finally holds his hand up to his ear and leans toward the crowd, giving a thumbs-up, with a big smile on his face.
Hall: Snake, Hulk's killin' it, chico.
Snake: Damn, when I grow up, I wanna' be like him.
Just then, Nash approaches the table…
Nash: Hey guys, she's ready!
Snake: Cool, I'll go…drag Hulk off-stage.
Otacon: Huh? What do you mean, Kev?
Nash (smirking): Ah, don't worry, li'l buddy—you'll see.
Snake dances his way on stage doing the two-step—yes, he's in his FULL military uniform, I might add—YOU know how I have to do!—he makes his way over to Hulk and whispers in his ear. Hulk stops and nods to Nash. Nash gives an "a-OK" sign.
Hulk: Sorry bitches, we gotta' roll!
The crew quickly leaves the establishment—and the half-naked strippers start circling their arms before holding their hands to their ears while leaning into the crowd. One of them actually starts flexing their arms and the other one just keeps doing bionic legdrops on her bra up on stage, for some reason.
We'll leave them for the time being, anyway. In the meantime, we'll look in on Los Guerreros, who are ALSO at a strip club…
Chavo: I'm TELLING you, Uncle Eddie—Aunt Vickie WON'T find out. Besides, look at how much FUN it is—look at TRISH, for fuck's sake! SHE'S giving a lap dance to a STRIPPER! I mean-look AROUND! We got fuckin' strippers, drinks, money, big-ass titties-ALL that, vato!
Eddie: Ok, ok…you win—Ok, I'm gonna' go over to the bar and get a tequila and some Sake.
Chavo: THAT'S the Uncle Eddie I know! SIMON, ESE!
Shaggy: Chavo, I do love strip clubs!
Chavo: Yeah, I do too, ese! Hey, uh…you ever see that Daphne chica naked?
Shaggy: Well, I did once, but Alan caught me looking. He's a hater, right Scoob?
Scooby: Grr…REAH…HE'S A RATER, RAGGY!
Chavo: What? Did he like, close the blinds or something?
Shaggy: Yes he did! I was eating a turkey leg and jerking off HAPPILY until he ruined my high!
Chavo (smiling): Well, did he ever talk to you about it?
Shaggy: Ha! Breakfast was awkward as hell next morning, let me tell ya'! Daphne wouldn't even LOOK at me, she just kept looking down at her plate, with her arms folded and her smock covering her delicate, perky bazooms.
Scooby: RELICATE AND RERKY, RAGGY!
Shaggy: You said it, boy!
Chavo: What was Alan like?
Shaggy: Alan kept glaring at me, with a raised eyebrow. He kissed Daphne on the cheek, all the while glaring at me!
Chavo: Daaaaamn…what'd you do?
Shaggy: I tried to break the ice by offering her some milk, but she just yelled "MIIIIIIILK!" and ran away from the table, crying. Alan got PISSED, Chavo. He yelled "See what you DID, you perverted fuck!" and then he went after her.
Chavo: Hahahaaa…shiiiiiiiit dude—that's a compliment! If someone's wanking off to your chick, you should feel PROUD, ese! I mean, the most they can do would BE to wank off—it ain't like they're gonna' have the real thing, ANYWAY!
Shaggy: I'm glad you see it my way, Chavo! I mean, why take away what little pleasure I have, right? I mean, really!
Meanwhile, in the background, Eddie AND Trish are dancing with a couple of strippers. Eddie has a rose in his mouth and he's bumping, he's grinding-and Trish is grinding HARD on this one stripper, while wearing a cowboy hat.
Trish: See Eddie, didn't we TELL you this would be fun!?
Eddie: AIYEEEE! Yes mami, you were right! This is the SHIIIIIIT, ESE!
The music fades out and they make their way back over to the table, high-fiving and breathing heavily, as if they just had a match, or something. The stripper that Trish was dancing with slips her her phone number on a napkin she pulled out of her brassiere.
Chavo: Damn, Uncle Eddie—you were tearin' it up! You were, too Trish!
Trish: Damn, that was sooooo much fun—I even got a number, WHOO-HOO!
Eddie: You swing that way, Trish?
Trish: Well, I HAVE been curious for a while, now—maybe I'll give it a shot.
Shaggy: OOOH-OOOH…can I watch?
Trish: Boy, please!
Shaggy: Aww, c'mon!
Trish: Don't MAKE me slap you, Shaggy!
Shaggy: ZOIKS!
Eddie: Aaaanyway, Chavito—I can't thank you enough for talking me into doing this! I've been far too uptight for far too long, ese!
Chavo: Uncle Eddie, Trish got a phone number, what'd you get?
Eddie (smirking): I didn't get any phone numbers, but I DID get, like 4 fiftys!
Trish: EDDIE!
Eddie: Whaaaat? I…just…that stripper I was dancing with GAVE me this money! Relax!
Trish: No she didn't, you STOLE her tips! She's trying to get through college!
At that, they all have a hearty laugh…
Eddie: Look, she DID give me this—I mean, she kept bumping me with the hip that had the money in it, so I figured, when in Rome…
Trish (rolling her eyes): I don't BELIEVE you, Eddie! You should be ashamed!
Eddie: Hey, chica—next round—on me! Bartender!
Trish: Free drinks? Sheeeiiiit—I can let SOME things slide, I guess, hahaha!
Ok, let's leave them and rejoin the nWo, as they've arrived at a hotel for the night…
Hulk: Ok brothers, here's the deal—Me? I'm going to my room, I'm tired, dudes. Hall, you and Kev can do whatever, and uh…Snake, you got Otacon, right?
Snake: Yup.
Hulk: Ok, we'll all meet up at 7 tomorrow!
Nash: Ok cool. C'mon guys, let's get some shuteye.
So Hall, Nash, Snake, and Otacon head for their respective rooms. As Otacon opens his door, Snake, Hall, Hogan, and Nash all quietly open theirs to peek at Otacon's reaction when he sees…
Otacon (not paying attention yet): Hmm-hmm-hmmmmm…
That's when he looks up and sees a woman on his bed with nothing on but her bra, panties, and a smile.
Otacon: Wha-whaaat are you—who ARE you—an-and how'd you get in my room?
Lady: Come over here, sexy.
Otacon, never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, runs over to the bed, shedding his clothing so fast that, by the time he gets to the bed, he's ass-naked!
Lady: Well DAMN!
Otacon: You are so lovely tonight, baby.
Meanwhile, just around the corner…
Hulk: Damn, he got naked QUICK!
Nash: I knew he needed to get laid, but I had NO idea it was like THIS!
Snake: Shh…guys, I can't hear!
Inside the room…
Lady: Let's take off those glasses, shall we?
She slowly takes Otacon's glasses off and pushes him backwards onto the bed. She starts kissing him, going lower and lower, until finally..
Lady (grimacing a little): What's that….taste? Why does your dick taste like…lotion?
Meanwhile behind the wall outside…
Hogan: Should we have expected anything else, brothers?
Ok, back in the bedroom…
Otacon: Umm…I haven't showered yet, that was some, uh…lotion I was using earlier, ehehehee…hee.
Lady: Mmmm…you like masturbating, huh?
Otacon (sheepishly): Uh…just a little.
Lady: Well hon—I think we should just got to it, how about you?
Otacon (trying not to drool): S-sure thing…absolutely!
The lady and Otacon lay back and start getting it on for REAL. Meanwhile, Hogan and the boys are waiting by the door smiling…
Snake: *sniff* I'm so proud of him!
Hulk: Ok guys, we know he's in the house. Good job, Kev. How much did'ya have to pay that chick, anyway?
Nash: Oh, wasn't much—you'd be surprised what people would do for only $200. HAHAAA!
Hall: You're a trip, mang. C'mon guys, let's get some shuteye. We'll hear the report from Otacon in the morning.
Ok, normally, I'd end it here, but I'm cutting to morning—I'm going for the GUSTO!
.
8 am—at breakfast…
Hall: So, uh, Otacon—did you have a good night, mang?
Otacon (blushing): Scott—it-it was…MAGNIFICENT! But it WAS kind of…odd, though.
Hulk: What, was she into freaky shit, or something?
Nash: What, did she tie a rope around your balls and start gently licking them?
Snake: Damn, Nash!
Nash: Inquiring minds wanna' know!
Otacon: Well, when I took off her bra, THAT'S when it got weird.
Snake: Huh, what's so weird about titties, dude?
Otacon: Ok, hear me out here—When I took off her bra, she had a UNIBOOB!
All in unison: A UNIBOOB?
Otacon: Affirmative. At first I was like "ok what the fuck is THAT?" Hell, I don't care—if I see something wrong, I'm GONNA' ask!
Hulk: Haha…Ok, and she said?
Otacon: Well, it turns out that she has cancer.
Nash: Oh my damn—guys, I had no idea—
Otacon: No, it's cool Nash—she explained what you did and I appreciate it. I NEEDED to get laid. But anyway, she only HAD one titty. And she made me suck on the one titty.
Hall: Chico, nothing beats two, though, right?
Otacon: Well, after last night, I'm not so sure. What I mean is that I didn't, like, have to keep going back and forth between two titties. I just sucked the one, but it WAS strange looking over to the other side of her chest and seeing…fuckin'…ground ZERO, and shit!
Snake: Dayum…BWAAHAHAHAHAAAA! I gotta' try that shit, sometime! Damn, dude—I can see where it'd make things easier, though.
Nash: Yeah, not as much multitasking, you know?
Aaaaaand with that, they all share a good laugh and sing altogether "FOR OTACON'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW, FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW, …"
Thanks for joining me again—and join me next time as well—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!