You can thank all these back to back updates on my

Non sleeping, teething, 7 month old son : P

As I am writing at all hours of the night while he plays…

Yes I feel guilty for hurting Sirius, especially as he is one of my top three favorite characters of all time.

Guess what, I am also writing a completely original novel.

Well Trilogy really. It is even being reviewed by a publisher : )

I am really excited about it.

Well anyway, here we go!

Chapter 34

Derailed Conversations

For once, the train home for Christmas was calm and quiet. Peter had gone home to his parents a week early, having gotten an urgent owl that his sister had passed away. James, Sirius and Remus had tried to go with him but he insisted that he be left alone, he did not want company on a trip like this. Remus was staying at Hogwarts until Christmas eve morning when Mr. Potter would be flooing him and Marleen to the manor for the annual Christmas ball that the Potters always held. Even against James and Sirius' insistence he had wanted to stay at the castle since Marleen had to stay. They had vowed to find out what was happening with that upon their return to Hogwarts.

Sirius was pretty quiet these days when left to his own devices. So sitting in the compartment with Lily and Alice both trying to complete all of their holiday revisions before even getting home, Hestia reading a witch weekly, Sirius not talking much and James staring out the window was an unusually quiet event.

James was thinking to himself about how somehow he had not slept alone since the night Lily found out about Remus. They had either conveniently fallen asleep talking on the couch together, or laying on James' bed doing homework, or twice in Lily's room after discussing private head's business. She always ended up in his arms, every night, and he loved it. But he was confused by it. They were not dating, they were not snogging, in fact he was technically still talking to Morgan, though they hadn't done anything physical since a few weeks before Lily got sick. He had come up with several excuses of being too busy and was practicing the team extra hard, as their second match, against Hufflepuff, was the second week of January, only 11 days after their return to school. He knew he needed to talk to her but he was nervous to disrupt the flow of his extraordinary team right before the game. He knew she wouldn't be upset, they had a pretty simple arangement going on. But he wanted to be kind. Lily pretty much ignored that situation. Everyone had let him think to himself in peace, until Morgan came in to see James that was. She sat down in the space between him and Sirius, smiling radiantly when James turned to look at her.

"Hey Morgs." He said with a friendly smile.

"Hey J I was just coming to see you before we pull in and I don't see you for the next two weeks."

She didn't notice James flinch at the nickname she had given him, he hated it. She did notice Lily look daggers at her, and James noticed Sirius scowl over her shoulder. The look was so menacing that he faltered in responding.

"Oh, uhm, well alright." He answered lamely.

She smiled and leaned in to his ear whispering so no one but he, and Sirius, who was sitting that close to them, could hear.

"Come to my compartment with me. It is empty."

"Alright." James said slowly.

He stood and followed her out glancing apologetically at Lily and nervously at Sirius.

oOoOoOoOoO

He returned not even 20 minutes later to take his seat back by the window. He did not fail to notice that Lily's eyes were red rimmed, Alice and Hestia appeared irritated and Sirius looked pissed. He wasn't quite sure what to say. Sirius fixed that problem though.

"You have to break up with her." He said bluntly.

To anyone else it sounded like an order, to James he heard the plea behind it and saw not only Sirius' discomfort but also the way his eyes flitted to Lily. He had to decide quickly if he wanted to carry on this conversation in front of everyone.

"She isn't my girlfriend." He replied simply

"Then quit dating her."

"I'm not dating her really." He said in a strained voice, wishing Sirius would drop this till a better time.

"Fine stop shagging her then." Sirius said with harshly with a completely straight face.

All three of the girls' mouths dropped open, James looked skyward and huffed, knowing there was no longer a way to avoid this.

"I haven't been with her since November, at all. But what do you want me to say to her Siri. You are the one that pushed me to be more than friends with her, in front of her. Please tell me what to do because I am at a loss." He said in a tired voice, a distressed Sirius was exhausting.

"Tell her that I changed my mind. Tell her that I never stopped liking her and that because you are my best friend that you can't date her or kiss her or shag her. Tell her that I am selfish and arrogant and fickle but that you love me and my ridiculous ways and you have to respect my wishes."

James looked at him and smiled.

"Are you threatening to break up with me my love?" he joked.

"I am threatening to break something of yours." Sirius replied with a grin, meaning that he only half meant that threat.

"You don't think this is going to hurt her?"

"I think that it is too late to not hurt someone." James heard the double meaning behind his words even if no one else did." Besides, you don't seem that interested anymore Jamesie."

"It's not that I'm not…well it is…Sirius this is really bad timing for this mate." James stuttered.

Sirius grinned broadly.

"I think it is perfect timing. Did you invite her to your Mum and Dad's Christmas ball?"

James scowled at his best friend.

"No, I did not. Though she knows about it, I did not invite her. And it isn't that I lost interest…Shit this is going to sound horrible can we please carry this on later." He plead.

"Nope" Sirius popped his lips on the P.

"I wasn't interested in a relationship with her. She knows that, or at least she knew that. I told her outright that I don't do relationships, not real ones at least."

"Wait a minute, you basically told a girl that she was good enough to shag but not good enough to date…or marry for that matter." Hestia said, bursting out in laughter.

James let his head bang against the cold window. He was missing their quiet ride.

"I didn't say anything about marriage, who was talking about marriage?" he said.

Alice and Hestia laughed, Lily was a pale shade of pink and was looking at James with a pitiful expression.

"James let me explain something to you." Hestia said "When you date someone, really date them, you are just seeing if you are compatible for marriage. So when you tell them that you are happy to shag their brains out but you don't want to date them you are basically saying that they just aren't marriage material."

James' head shot up with a blank look on his face. Sirius suddenly seemed to realize what he had inadvertently done and cut in.

"That's not always true. It isn't. Is that how you felt when you and James were going at it Alice?" he said none to tactfully. She blushed up to her hair even though everyone knew about her and James' fling more than a year ago.

"No, it isn't. But he never said that to me either. We never said anything about not wanting to date, we said that we wanted to see how we could be together and have fun in the process." Now James was beet red too, remembering that summer. "But we weren't shagging, not even close."

"You came in my room with his boxers on." Sirius said dryly.

"Merlin Sirius shut up!" James yelled, burying his face in his robes.

"Ok, so maybe it got close a couple of times but we never did. And he never said he didn't want to date me. I agree with Hestia, that is pretty much what you are telling someone that you want to screw and not date, that they aren't good enough for you." She said with a shrug.

James' entire face went white, he stood up and walked out of the compartment without saying a word letting the door slam behind him.

Lily quickly switched seats, fell into Sirius' arms bursting into tears instantly. Her friends looked alarmed but very confused.

"Are you two that thick or are you honestly forgetting what went down between these two last year? I would like to thank you both from the bottom of my heart for telling my best friend that he isn't good enough to marry or date the girl he has been madly in love with for almost seven years. Great job. I am sure Lily appreciates it too." He said coldly as he pushed her hair off of her face.

Both girls instantly realized how stupid they had been and rushed to pull Lily into their arms to make her feel better. Sirius stood to walk out.

"You started it." Hestia said with a hiss.

"No, I was trying to make him say in front of Lily that Morgan was nothing to him. I wanted him to admit it. I wasn't going to take it to where you did."

"She knew he was screwing Morgs, she lives in our dorm." Hestia argued.

"Yes I know she knows that, but she needs to know that he doesn't love her and that he is just scared to hurt the poor girl's feelings. James will never, never be over Lily, he said it himself, he doesn't do relationships. Think about it, he was all ready to jump into anything with Lily last year. What do you think made him not want to be a boyfriend? And you two swats just secured in his mind that he will never be good enough for her. Great move. I am going to go find him."

Thirty minutes later he was back in his original spot looking dejected, having not been able to find James. Lily was just calming down, and was fixing her make up, the other two apologizing over and over. They all looked up eagerly, expecting James when the compartment door slid open. They all shrank back a bit when Morgan walked in, waves of anger rolling off of her.

"Er…hey." Sirius said lamely. "James isn't here."

Morgan looked at him defiant.

"I know, he is in the compartment I was in earlier, alone. You need to know I don't feel like I am not good enough for him. I never wanted to marry him, though he is well worth marriage. This was mutual, we both agreed to it. I never wanted to date James, I wanted to date you but you up and got a girlfriend on me after three years of driving me batty. James wanted someone to talk to and one thing led to another and I was fine with it and so was he. You are wrong he is a great guy and worth much more than anyone gives him credit for." She said angrily looking at the girls at the end. Lily buried her face in Alice's shoulder.

"You, you wanted to date me?" Sirius said mystified.

"Yes dimwit. You. I wanted to date you but you were no longer available, I lost my chance, and then you practically threw me at James. So there you have it."

Sirius stared at her as she left the carriage with another slam of the door.

oOoOoOoOoO

"James really, be sensible, Lily does not think that you aren't worth her." Sirius said for the umpteenth time.

"No it makes sense everything they said makes perfect sense." He muttered.

"Think about it you git, you are the only one she wanted when she was sick. She wouldn't let anyone else touch her. She could barely hold her head up, was out of it and she knew that you were the one she needed. She has never been more vulnerable than then.

I have never seen two people love each other more than the two of you, except maybe your parents but I mean they are your parents you know.

She has slept in your arms nearly every night for a month, no strings attached, no sex, just you." He argued.

"Sirius, they are right though, I am not worth Lily, I knew that and I let myself fall for her all over again. I don't know what I am going to do this time." He whimpered, not noticing the extra person in the carriage that had crept in silently.

"Sirius, can I have a moment with him?" Lily said softly.

James practically fell out of his seat he turned so fast to see her. He watched silently as Sirius stood gave her a hug and walked out. She sat down beside of him, legs crossed up on the bench seat and pulled him to face her.

"James I never ever meant to make you feel that way. Ever in a million years."

"Lily it's no big deal." He mumbled examining his hands.

She reached over and placed her hands on either side of his face, pulling it up to look at her.

"It is a big deal. You know that last year was not because of you. It was entirely because of my insecurities. I don't think you understand what you are to me James." She said softly.

"I am your friend, you trust me." He replied dryly.

She smiled and placed her forehead against his.

"Yes, you are my friend, you are the one person that I would trust to hold my very soul and keep it safe. James I have never let myself be put into a situation where a guy could hurt me, but you have the ability to shatter everything that I am. Think about that, with everything you know about me, think about what that means alright." She let go of his face and let her lips brush his forehead. He remained silent as she stood and walked out.