Ok folks, this is IT, the last chapter of this harrowing journey. Let's join our two winning groups at RAW as they're about to start the inaugural WWE draft! Now, don't forget, as you're reading this, this IS the year 2002, ok? Ok. Let's move…
Vince: Ladies and gentlemen, let's start the inaugural WWE draaaaaaaft! RAW is represented by the winning team of Team Extreme, Ken, Ryu, Cammy, and their appointed spokesperson tonight-and newest WWE diva-KATHERINE! SmackDown! will be represented by the OTHER winning team-the nWo along with Solid Snake and Otacon! Their spokesperson is 12-time world heavyweight champ, Hollywood Hogaaaaan!
The audience boos as the RAW spokesperson steps up to the mic.
Voice: Ok, as RAW spokesperson, I pick—CHRIS JERICHO!
Jerry Lawler: Wow! Did you hear that, JR? The new chick, Katherine, picked Y2J!
Ross: I'm sittin' right here, King! Of COURSE I heard her! Now, let's see who the Smackdown Rep is going to pick.
Voice: Uh…on behalf of Smackdown, we pick—The Undertaker!
Ross: Hmm…now THAT's certainly interesting—especially coming from Hogan!
King: Yeah, TELL me about it!
…so now you see who won.
Anyway, this continues for the next two hours, over the course of the show at various times. Now, in a move that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the WWE draft, we cut to the PPV—"Al's Wrasslin' Challenge"—sponsored by WWE…and Rob's Check Cashing. Lemme's just give you a quick blow-by-blow rundown of what happened. (Folks, for those who are fans of the first 3 series, and in traditional "Grapefruits" custom, you KNOW this is going to be F-U-C-K-E-D U-P…just sayin'.)
8:00- Welcome to the PPV! Tonight our show begins with The Brock walking his Heymen down to the ring. It appears Brock is a tad excited- that or his tights have somehow formed into a cone. Heymen brags about Brock appearing on magazines and such. Claims to have killed Hogan's career. I'm still giggling at "The next Small thing" in Brock's tights. Boy those roids...
8:07- Still pushing RAW on Monday is Heymen. Brock talks, and better than Heymen almost. The Rock gets called a bitch and of course he comes out to see what the hubbub is. Rocky walks back and forth 503 times and tries desperately to remember his catch phrase. Then he repeats himself 506 times and calls Brock a monkey uterus or something. The words "Bring it" have now officially become human and have filed a lawsuit against Rocky for abuse. Suddenly Trish and Guerrrorororororo attack Rocky as he slowly walks to the ring.
8:15- The camera cuts to Edge because we need to see him walking to the arena late. Trish and Gueeororor are angry that Edge didn't listen to HHH in the meeting and they attack him. I bet Edge will be on time from now on. NEXT TIME SHUT UP AND SPEAK OUT IN THE MEETINGS YOU BUG EYED JERK!
8:16- Hurricane and Donald Duck come out to battle Nobel and Tajiri. Boy, that Donald can hit a meeean dropkick! Lots of action. Kick, flip kick, flip a kick a flip and for a change of pace... A FLIP! Nidia pretends to give Donald Duck a blowjob and ducks while Tajiri KICKS him. Meanwhile, backstage, Matt Hardy looks at Donald getting blown and a tear runs down his cheek. But, the good news is-Microsoft word recognizes the word blowjob as a single word. YAY GATES!
8:21- A series of deadly kicks and flips ensue. CHOKE SLAM CHOKE SLAM! Donald wins the match with a power bomb reversal. Who the FUCK is this guy? God I want Nidia.
8:23- Matt Hardy comes out and saves the day and forces Hurricane and Donald to grab his balls. Matt does the whole "team extreme" gimmick and doesn't realize that the audience was cheering for Lita. The crickets even refuse to chirp.
8:24- Steph reprimands Trish and Gueoeororoe for eating tacos and bacon or beating up everyone and it looks like Eddie has a third nipple—oh wait, that was taco meat. Edge comes out and hits them with a chair. Makes Steph give him a tag team match TONIGHT IN-THIS-VERY-RING! Oh, I miss Shane. Booking on the fly LIVES!
8: 28- Matt Hardy pretends that he's popular. Goes back out to the crowd and three people stand up to go to the bathroom. This is sad. Chavo Gueorororororo comes out to save this pathetic spot. Calls him a white boy. Isn't that racist? Cole is excited that he gets to use "Impromptu Match" for the one hundred and forty second billionth time. Pretty quick paced match. Matt Hardy goes to tag Jeff and remembers that he's stupid. An arm or something falls off in the ring and the ref kicks it to see if it's alive. Matt tries to catch Chavo off the top rope and Matt forgets that he's only 102 pounds and can't catch a breeze in a windstorm. KANE COMES OUT WITH A MORE GROSSLY OVER-PRODUCED ENTRANCE THAN HIS BROTHER'S OLD ONE! THOUGH FAHRE AND BRIMSTOWNE FROM HELL HE COMES BY GAWD! Ok, he didn't. Chavo steals the win.
8:36- Matt asks the ref where did he get that pretty baby blue shirt because it's Jeff's birthday soon and he needs something to match his pubes. Cut to Funaki and his Murret. GET IT? MURRET? HE'S JAPANESE! MULLET = MURRET! Ah, fuck you. Break.
8: 42- Back with Funaki... Struggling to speak. NAKED NIDIA! OMG! Morry Horry complains. NAKED NIDIA! I still find Molly very hot. NAKED NIDIA! Cole has a smile like a f'n child on his face. NAKED NIDIA!
8:44- Rey Ray talks good for a wetback. He should dry that sweat off his back (HAH HAH NICE SAVE!) Angle interrupts with some black stuff on his head. Makes some jokes and brings the show up two notches BAM! Says he's going to rape Rey's eye socket if he messes with him in his match. Well he was thinking it. Sick FUCK!
8: 50- AN-GLE! AN-GLE! AN-GLE! AN-GLE! So glad he got rid of that ridiculous "A" on his singlet. Still wears white boots so he won't be getting a title anytime soon. Shaggy walks out, slowly. I think Kurt has been lowered to cruiserweight or something. Poor Angle, doesn't he realize the boots are cursing him? He's losing effectiveness faster than Mark Henry's push lasted. Kurt smacks a "plant" in the crowd wearing a Rey mask. Ok, someone stop this match.
8:58- I know people complain about matches being short but fuck! Huh Huh, I said butt fuck. Ref bump and I guess we're in for another 15 minutes. Obligatory steel chair spot. Ref wakes up and counts like he's broken his arms.
9:02- Rey comes out and screws Angle yet again. Match still goes on. Kurt gets counted out. Angle beats up Shaggy for staying in the ring in pain I guess. HE lost the battle, but he'll win the WAR! Suddenly, Katherine comes running down the aisle with a steel chair and whacks Angle from behind. Angle turns and starts to back her up into a corner. That's when the Street Fighter theme song starts blaring over the speakers. Ken and Ryu come running out and enter the ring. Ken just keeps hurricane-kicking from one side of the ring to the other. Katherine's watching this and scratching her head in bewilderment. Ryu swings Angle to the ropes and damn near Hadoken's Angle's head off. He picks Angle back up and prepares to hit a dragon punch, but Angle ducks out of the ring. Boy, the action's HOT tonight! FINALLY A BREAK!
9:05- Gonna' go to an advertisement-Brock is on the next WWE Confidential. We get to find out when his head got stuck in a bucket and kept its shape. This is a REALLY cool Brock spot. GO to hell HHH! I like Brock. He takes a bath in f'n ice!
9:09- Rock and Edge talk. Rock says Guerororo did the macarena on his ribs…really. WAS THAT A RACIAL JOKE, ROCK? HUH, MR. MORALS? Go steal then eat a raw basketball you fucking hypocrite. OMG! I think the Rock just said he's going to take off his testicle and spit it up Trish's candy ass! I'm not even kidding. He just fucking said that. That was very disturbing. And here you readers think I'M sick?
9:15- John Cena looks like a f'n Oompalomp. Rev Devon comes out with his answer for Brock. Why isn't Batista getting a push? He's like a mirror of Brock. SICK f'n chop from Devon. Kishi slaps his ass 200 times. That is one fat ass! Batista's ass rivals Kishi's. All Samoans do Samoan drops for some reason. I'm fucking HUNGRY!
9:19- Kishi gone back dat ass up. Tazz says Kishi cuts him off with a high knee. GET IT? HEINY! Booty time! Why do they let him rub his ass in their faces? Do they HAVE TO? Devon screams "I'M ANGRY AT YOU!" (...THAT'S why he wasn't pushed folks.) Batista leaves Devon to be demolished. Wave goodbye to any future push for Devon.
9:23- Ohhh Nidia's tiddias. NAKED NIDIA! Break? NOOOOOOOOO!
9:28- Cole warns us that Nidia plans to strip after the match. Yeah, I've heard that before. Remember The Kat? Molly does have a saweeeet ass. I'm praying for some lesbo action. PLEASE!
9:29- Just as I was hoping, here come Lita and Cammy, walking down the ramp, eating popcorn BUTT-NAKED…and they're making out, too. They slide into the ring and distracts the ref as Molly feels Nidia's ass and rolls her up for the 1-2-3!
9:30- Molly won with a nice move that NO ONE CALLS. No strip show. Thank god for Jamie Noble, who makes Nidia strip anyhow. Dammit Molly. No Strip show again.
9:31- Vince suddenly drops down from the ceiling and announces that, as punishment for breaking his vase at his condo, the next match—IN THAT VERY RING-will be The Big show and Kane versus Sephiroth and…his daughter, Stephanie!
9:32- Steph is backstage and looks horrified. HHH is trying not to laugh.
9:33- Sephiroth comes out to a chorus of boos, as he's being accompanied by his manager, Gordon Ramsay. Gordon's yelling expletives at the crowd as he and Sephiroth head down the aisle as his Kitchen Nightmares theme song blares in the background. On the way down the aisle, Gordon makes one little boy cry (aawwww). The little boy was booing, but had a very nasally voice that got on Ramsay's nerves. Ramsay pulled an onion from out of his pants and started chopping it infront of the little boy AND his mama! After about 30 seconds, the little boy started crying and Gordon YELLED at him to "C'mon, you l'il WANKER! BE A MAN!" The crowd REALLY started booing as Gordon smirked and continued down the aisle with Sephiroth.
9:38- Steph comes out after successfully confusing the crowd whether to boo or cheer for her earlier. Total silence. This bitch really needs to choose a side. The announcer announces them as the team of "Seph-n-Steph" the crowd laughs a little and then Kane and Show come out and enter the ring.
This match is pretty short. When the bell rings, Kane tries to intimidate Sephiroth by raising and lowering his arms, making his pyro go off. Sephiroth smirks and raises one hand—a lightning bolt strikes big show AND Kane and Sephiroth tags in Stephanie, who makes the easy pin on Kane. Suddenly, from the back—Cloud hits the ring! Security floods out to the ring to separate the two mortal enemies aaaaaannnnd…we cut to a break. Amongst all of the hubbub in the ring, HHH sneaks in and pins Kane and Big Show and then quietly leaves through the crowd.
9:41- Latino heat. Yay! Had to go move my car. Don't worry, you didn't miss anything.
9:46- Yep, the match ain't even started yet. Rock runs out in full stride as only he does. LAZY OBVIOUS ALERT!- Lots of back and forth action! *CHEERS* Sick face plant from Edge to Trish. I just noticed that the only move that was called all night was the Shining Wizard. God Cole and Tazz suck ass as an announce team. Yeah, so Rocky tags in and of course makes Trish look bad.
9:53- Guerororororororororo works on Rocky's ribs. Mmmm ribs. Trish works on Rocky's ribs. God I'm hungry. TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP! Nope, Rocky still has life in him. Rocky Road...Mmmm. This match is falling apart quickly. Something better happen. Shit... Edge almost killed Eddie! He grabbed his leg and he fell from the top and it looked sick. Remember Eddie's debut frog splash? His first f'n move and he breaks his elbow. LOL!
9:58- Rock bottom to Trish. 1 2 3! Yay! Oh no—the nWo appeared out of thin air—well actually, they were all wearing stealth camouflage and have surrounded the ring. They look hungry. Or is it me? They try to bumrush the ring and Rock and edge are trying to fight them off, but Solid Snake hits Edge in the nuts with his Ruger and that's when the numbers game takes hold. Razor's edge on Edge, Jackknife on Eddie outside the ring! Nash yells, "That's for that bullshit back at the petrol station!" Hogan is continually legdropping the Rock as Otacon keeps Trish trapped in the corner.
Hogan pulls out a bottle of yellow spray paint from out of his tights and sprays a yellow line up and down the back of the fallen Rock. That's when the music hits—"Ah, oh Shawn…" HBK comes flying (literally) down the aisle hand-in-hand with Harry Potter and the nWo leave the ring.
A/N-Folks, I want to thank everyone who has read, reviewed, favorite, alerted, and everything. You all are the best, and, if I could, I'd buy you ALL a few rounds! Thanks again, without you people, I'd have had little motivation to keep going with this as far as I have.