Parts of this chapter rings very true for me.
Part of it I have written straight from my own heart.
High rating on this one. Solid M
Chapter 42
Birthday Wishes
James and Sirius had been back in the castle for two weeks now. Life was resuming to a semblance of normal. If normal was a quiet Sirius who rarely had a smile on his face, or a James that flinched everytime someone randomly touched him. Both boys had come back but they came back different people. Sirius seemed to be most affected by watching his surrogate parents die and seeing James tortured. You could tell when he was thinking about it, it was all over his face and demeanor. Lily was certain that he sometimes thought of the torture but he had let slip a few nights ago that it was all very similar to his old way of life so he could handle it fine. He had such venom in his voice that they all winced at the reference, Pete who had been the one foolish enough to bring it up actually recoiled in fear.
James was another story. His parents were gone and he had watched it happen. That can't be erased with any amount of time. He had been horrifically tortured. Sure as a boy he had felt a firm hand across his backside once or twice…maybe twice, as rotten as he was he wasn't often punished. Until that moment he hadn't imagined the pain another man could cause. He had never felt that kind of unending, life altering pain. He seemed lost in his thoughts and grief. And stuck in an endless circle, his body was terrified of any touch, withdrawing from anything that could cause that feeling again. But his mind and heart craved touch, well, his mother's touch, just to be held and told that everything would be alright. The two sides warred against each other, making him a twitchy nervous lonely mess. Only Sirius seemed to understand that, and he rarely left his side.
Sirius could often be found in the head boy's room at night, sleeping on the bed while the room's actual occupant was more often than not sitting against the window wall staring out at the grounds and not seeing much of anything.
This morning was one of those times. Lily walked into James' room only to find him looking out over the misty grounds, glassy-eyed. She walked up to him and whispered his name before touching him, alerting him to her presence.
"James, have you slept at all? When was the last time you actually slept?"
"Today is my birthday." He answered, completely dodging her question.
She sat down behind him and put her hands gently around his sides and let them rest on stomach, her head rested against his shoulder blade.
"I am aware." She said with a grin. "What are we doing today? Or have the boys made plans for you all?"
He shook his head.
"I am not doing anything." He mumbled.
"We have to do something James. It's your birthday."
He shrugged and laid his head back against the cold glass.
"Jamie we didn't skip your birthday last year when the Slytherins put me in the hospital we aren't skipping it this year either." They heard Sirius say sleepily from the bed.
James huffed as they listened to Sirius climb out of bed hours before what was normal for him.
"I thought we could sneak into Hogsmede, pick up some fire whiskey and supplies and spend the day in your room of requirement." He said before gripping James by the arm and pulling him to a standing position. Lily stood with him, not sure what Sirius was trying to do. James was in no place to be forced into anything.
"So, either you tell us what you want to do, or we do that, but we are doing something." He said firmly.
James pushed both of his hands through his hair, leaving standing on end.
"I want to fly, I just want to go out flying, my broom was the last gift I got from them, I want to use it today. It seems right."
"Alright, we will go flying then." Lily said before kissing his cheek, causing both boys to turn and stare at her.
"You will go flying with me? Like out on a broom?" James said in astonishment.
She chuckled at the shocked faces both of them wore.
"For your smile, I would do anything James Potter."
Sirius smiled a true smile and grabbed her up in a hug.
"That settles it, you tow are going flying for the day. And I will find Morgan and bug her." He said brightly.
James looked at him incredulously.
'What? You aren't going to come with us?" James asked.
"Nope, absolutely not." He replied.
oOoOoOoOoOoO
The sun had fully risen and James was sitting astride his broom. He couldn't explain why he was so nervous, he had flown with girls tons of times, but not this girl. This was different, this was Lily. He was so distracted that when she slid on behind him and put her arms around him he didn't even flinch.
She looked over his shoulder at through the open glass of his window.
"Are you ready?" he asked
"Ready when you are." She stammered.
He turned to look over his shoulder.
"Are you sure about this?"
"I have never been more sure in my life." She replied.
The smile that lit his face was infectious, he turned and without another word took off through the morning sky.
In those next minutes she could almost feel everything seep out of him into the open air around. This was the James she knew, this was the James she loved. He existed up here , in flight. Even when he couldn't be found anywhere else he would always be here where he felt happiest. Every sorrowful thought, every moment of fear disappeared and he became that arrogant, reckless, silly, full of laughter boy that she fell for.
She had always been afraid to fly, but James was an excellent flier. His confidence made her comfortable, secure, she leaned into him, reveling in the fact that he didn't pull away. They flew for a long time, not really talking, just flying when James lowered them to the ground. They seemed to be in a small clearing. He pulled out his wand and conjured a blanket and a fire to keep them warm. She sat down beside him as he laid on his back staring up at the blue white sky.
"It has stopped raining since the beginning of the month." He said softly.
"Yeah it hasn't rained in about two weeks Jamie."
"Oh…I missed that somehow."
"You have missed a lot lately."
He looked over at her, seeing the sadness in her eyes.
"I am sorry." He said softly.
"James, you have nothing to apologize for. You lost the two most important people in your life. You have a right to grieve. We just miss you is all, I know that you are in there somewhere, I know you are and that is all that matters, that you are there. I want to be with you, I won't leave and neither will Siri or Rem or Pete, we want to be here with you, to stand beside you. But you have to let us."
He nodded and ran his fingers down her cheek.
"I just needed to get past today. Your birthday is supposed to be spent with your parents telling you how you were born and how amazing that day was. I will never hear that story again. Never. And how can I celebrate the day I was born when the reason I was born isn't even here? No one is as happy that I am on this earth than they were. No one else cares like that." He said, dejected.
She moved so she was straddling his lap forcing him to look at her.
"I do. I care like that. James if something had happened to you that weekend and I had never seen you again, I would have never made it through. I love you James, I love you, really love you. More than anything else in this world, more than my mum, more than myself, more than air, more than magic, I love you."
She leaned in tentatively and touched her lips to his. Kissing him softly before pullning back and looking into his incredible hazel eyes.
'You know I am not going to break." He chuckled before pulling her roughly against him for a real kiss.
The intensity of it knocked the wind out of her, they hadn't kissed like this since he had left. He deepened the kiss as he sat up pulling her closer into his arms and onto his lap. She let her hands fall down his chest, she could feel the muscles tense but he didn't jerk away so she continued.
James POV
He felt her fingers slide down his stomach and rest at his belt, he knew that he should be pulling away but he didn't want to. He just wanted to feel a good touch, he didn't want the last touch he remembered to be one of pain. As her kisses got more and more intense he felt all resistance drain out of him. He loved this girl, he could not push her out.
He placed his arms around her and felt her shiver against him.
"Are you cold?" he asked softly.
"A little, but I don't want to stop kissing you." She said honestly.
"Let's go back to my room, we will be alone and I promise we will pick right back up where we left off."
She looked at him skeptically. He kissed her once more before picking her up still straddling him, she wrapped her legs around his waist and held on.
"Fine, we won't pick up, we just won't stop." He said with a smile, letting go of her with one arm and summoning his broom. He stepped onto it and settled her in his lap, still facing him and still kissing her. She giggled.
"You can't ride and kiss me."
"Just watch me." He said with his old cocky grin that made her melt.
As he kicked off against the frozen ground he crushed his lips to hers holding the broom with one hand and around her waist with the other. She was partially right, he couldn't kiss her lips and fly but he did manage to kiss her neck and ear, up her collar bone, and cuddled to his chest she took full advantage of her situation too. She had barely realized they were already back to the castle and in his room when she felt them tumble off of the broom onto the soft surface of what could only be his bed.
He pulled back and smiled before pointing his wand at the door and sealing it shut.
"Now where were we?" he said with a wicked smirk.
He pulled her blouse over her head exposing her bra. It wasn't there for long as he unhooked it and placed his mouth over each nipple, flicking it with his tongue. She whimpered and pressed up against him. He kissed his way down her stomach nibbling as he went and peeling her shirt the rest of the way off of her.
"James, I don't want you to stop." She panted.
He unzipped her jeans and smiled up at her.
"I wasn't planning on it."
She took her hand and held his chin, looking him in the eyes.
"No, I mean, I don't want you to stop at all. Please, make love to me James. For real, make me yours, only yours" she said huskily.
He knew his face was betraying his shock, he tried to reign it in quickly while judging her face. Was she serious or just falling for the heat of the moment?
"Please." She said softly, letting her hand run through his already windswept hair.
That was all it took to push him over the edge. He quickly disrobed her of her pants and made quick work of his own as well. She lay before him in black lacey briefs her dark auburn waves like fire around her face and cascading over her shoulders. He gripped the side of the panties, ripping them away from her body causing her to giggle expectantly.
He knew that it had been a while, she hadn't been with anyone since…well since him. That was a comforting thought. He took the time to see that she was ready, kissing and nibbling at her until she pulled him up by the hair.
"Are you done with the practice work?" he said playfully.
She nodded, her eyes hazed over with lust and need.
"We have been practicing for a while, I think we are ready to play the game."
He laughed before pressing her lips to his, he could feel himself right outside of her opening. He hesitated for only a second, he thought about asking if she was sure but he knew she was ready, as was he.
He pressed himself into her, illiciting a gasp from deep within her. She was tight around him, much tighter than he remembered, then again it had been a year now… He pushed deeper, and felt her dig her fingers into his shoulders.
"You ok." He asked, kissing her lightly as he built his rhythm.
She nodded but said nothing.
"We can stop." He said, looking into her electrifying eyes.
"No, I don't want you to stop, please don't stop." She whispered.
He nodded and let his hand roam her body while the other held him up as he thrust into her even farther, causing her to call out. He knew better than to stop, knowing that she needed time to adjust to him, to get used to him again. He wasn't rough with her at all that evening. Kissing her and whispering I love you's over and over.
They didn't carry a conversation by any means but they constantly murmured their feeling for one another and what they couldn't live without.
Hours later when she lay curled up in his arm and he looked out at the evening sky, wondering how it was that they had missed lunch and dinner and weren't even hungry, he watched her sleep. She was so perfect, and this time, she was his. Completely and entirely his. He was going to heal for her. He needed to be the man she needed him to be. He needed to be able to protect her and to love her and he couldn't do that if he was a shell of his former self. Something bad had happened, he would forever be altered in its wake. But he would still find himself amidst the rubble. He owed her that, he owed his parents that, he owed his friends that. And above all he owed that to himself. He smiled to himself as he mused, this year for his birthday he had discovered who he was meant to be, and that was the final thought before he drifted into a long peaceful sleep.