Is it bad that I read some of these Gintama fics back and laugh?

I decided to focus on the script layout again because I think it suits the humour of Gintama best. That and I'm actually as lazy and unproductive as Gin-san…

This is the first actual chapter of what is going to be a loooooooong series and I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed reading it!

DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN GINTAMA, BECAUSE IT WOULD BE CRAP IF I WROTE IT!

Nobody Likes a Whiney Alarm Clock! Ring Like A Man!

Shinsengumi Headquarters. 5:30 am. Hijikata Toushirou, idiot Vice Commander of the Shinsengumi is already up practicing his 'swordsmanship' *snort*. Die Hijikata!

Hijikata: OI! WHAT THE HELL?! IS THAT YOU SOUGO, YOU DAMN BASTARD?! I'LL KILL YOU!

Okita: Tch

Okita Sougo, who is fast asleep does not know what Hijibaka Toushirou is talking about.

Hijikata: Bastard! It's obviously you Sougo! That 'tch' gave you away! Are you an idiot?! Wait a minute….SOUGO! DON'T RIDICULE A MAN'S NAME BASTARD! 'HIJIBAKA?! THE ONLY BAKA HERE IS YOU!

Hijikata's outburst is interrupted by a loud alarm.

Alarm: BEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOO! BEEEOOOOOSHUUBAAADAABOP!

Hijikata: THE ALARM?! WAIT A DAMN MINUTE…WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ALARM SUPPOSED TO BE?! SHUBADABOP? IS IT HOPING FOR A CAREER IN BLUES SINGING? IT'S JUST A DRUNKEN OLD MAN WHO CANT CARRY A TUNE!

Alarm: COUGHHHHHH! COUGHHHHHH!

Hijikata: WHAT THE FUCK?! IS THE ALARM REALLY AN OLD MAN?! DID WE HIRE SOMEONE'S GRANDFATHER AS OUR ALARM OR SOMETHING?! HE'S GONE FROM A DRUNK OLD MAN SINGING KARAOKE TO AN OLD MAN WITH A PHLEGMY COUGH?!

Alarm: NOW COUGH ONCE FOR ME KATO SAN!

Hijikata: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?! NOW IT'S HIS DOCTOR?!

Alarm: GOSH! YOUR HANDS ARE COLD DOCTOR!

Hijikata: SHUT UPPPPPP! I HAVE NO INTEREST IN THIS MAN'S FUCKING LIFE STORY!

Alarm: KEN-SAN IT'S TOO SOON FOR YOU TO LEAVE! DON'T LEAVE ME!

Hijikata: EHHH?! IT'S KATO-KEN?! WHAT THE HELL?! IS THE ALARM TELLING KATO-KEN'S FUTURES?! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED BETWEEN THE LAST TWO ALARMS?! IS THE ALARM PROPHESISING THEIR DEATHS?! KATO-KEN! I BEG YOU, BOTH OF YOU GO SEE A DOCTOR!

Running as if the fate of mayonnaise rests in his hands, the Demon Vice-Commander of the Shinsengumi eventually encounters Okita Sougo, leisurely making his way to the Commander's room.

Okita: Go die Hijikata.

Hijikata: Don't say it like its 'good morning' you bastard! And get moving damn it! We don't have time for you to 'leisurely' make your way to Kondo-san's room! When exactly are you planning on arriving?!

Okita: Hijikata-san. I cant go any faster than this. The stage directions say so.

Hijikata: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! You were casually playing around with them earlier and now all of a sudden you cant go against them?!

Okita: Hijikata-san. I have no idea what you're talking about.

Okita Sougo, his eyes glinting with enthusiasm points the bazooka towards the idiot vice commander and takes his shot. Hijikata explodes into tiny pieces of flesh and his mayonnaise blood sprays everywhere.

Hijikata: FUCK YOU SOUGO! STOP FUCKING AROUND AND GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR! THE HELL YOU CANT GO AGAINST THE STAGE DIRECTIONS!

Okita: Tch.

Alarm: I'M HERE FOR THE MONEY YOUR HUSBAND OWED ME! NOW PAY UP BITCH OR I'LL BREAK YOUR KID'S KNEECAPS!

Hijikata: THIS AGAINNNN?! Just what the hell did Kato-Ken do before they died! This alarm is seriously pissing me off! It's making me curious damn it!

Hijikata and Sougo arrive at the Commander's room and burst through the door.

Hijikata: Kondo-san! What's going on?! Is headquarters under attack?!

Isao Kondo is seated at his desk, chin resting on his entwined hands. His face is uncharacteristically serious.

Kondo: Toushi! Okita! Calm down. It's a serious matter that I called you here for…

Hijikata: Is the city under attack then?! What's happened?

Sougo: It must be the EVA's Hijikata-san.

Hijikata: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! STOP FUCKING AROUND SOUGO! WE HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM HERE! Actually…Kondo-san you never got to tell me what's going on.

Kondo: Toushi…

Kondo's face is deadly serious; like Picc*lo's face in pretty much all the screen time he has in Dr*gonball Z.

Hijikata: Yeah, what is it Kondo-san? Do I need to call the men?

Kondo: Toushi….I…HELP ME! MY LEGS FELL ASLEEP! MY LEGS ARE AS WEAK AS A STEREOTYPICAL SHOUJO HEROINE! SAVE ME MY PRINCE!

Hijikata:…..You mean to tell me…all this time…YOU SOUNDED THE FUCKING ALARM FOR THAT STUPID REASON?! YOU RAISED THE ALARM…THE ALARM THAT SOUNDS ALL OVER EDO AS A WARNING BECAUSE YOUR LEGS FELL ASLEEP?! WHAT THE HELL!? ARE YOU STUPID?!

Kondo: T-t-that's not it Toushi! With my legs like this I cant run awayyyy! HELP MEEEEEEE!

Hijikata: What the hell are you talking about Kondo-san?! Run away from what?!

Sougo: Hijikata-san.

Hijikata turns and looks at Sougo. Sougo is pointing at the ceiling where a gargantuan spider is huddling in the corner, drool dripping from is massive pincers. Hijikata, face pale, draws his sword a second later.

Hijikata: What the hell is that thing?! How the hell did it get in here?!

Sougo: The window is open Hijikata-san.

Hijikata: Look at the size of that thing! You seriously think that thing could crawl in through that tiny window?! That monster is the size of V*geta's ego!

Sougo: Tch…another Dragonball Z reference. Dragonball Z fetish…

Hijikata: OI! Sougo! Stop picking on the author and help me take this thing down! You can do that later!

Sougo: Tch.

Annoyed at Hijikata's order Sougo sighs, annoyance clear in his voice, and draws his own katana with an annoyed expression that shows how annoyed he is.

Hijikata: STOP THAT! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK HOW ANNOYED YOU ARE! PROTECT KONDO-SAN AND TAKE THIS THING DOWN!

Spider: OH,WAIT PLEASE….BLEUGH!

With both of their effort, within moments the monster is defeated easily. Very easily in fact.

Hijikata: What the fuck?! Why the hell was the 'gargantuan monster' so fucking weak?! What is he, a slime? Was he actually a slime from Dr*gon Quest in disguise?! And why the hell could it talk?

Kondo: Toushi! Okita! You saved me! Thank you!

Hijikata: Stop crying Kondo-san! There's something seriously wrong here! And turn that fucking alarm off already!

Kondo nods in agreement and turns off the Kato-ken..

Hijikata: The fuck?! Are you trying to make 'Kato-Ken' sound like siren on purpose?

Sougo: The author's jokes are almost as tasteless as mayonnaise. Choke on mayonnaise and die Hijikata.

Hijikata: Push a spike through your anus and jump off a cliff Sougo.

Hijikata and Sougo are interrupted by the presence of Matsudaira as he enters the room. He fails to see the massive mess on the ceiling where the spider corpse remains even after death.

Matsudaira: Oi Kondo. Have you seen the ambassador of party organization? He's supposed to be organizing the Shogun's commoner style birthday party.

Hijikata: What kind of useless ambassador is that?! What kind of government are we protecting here?!

Sougo: Good Morning sir! How are your family this fine morning?

Hijikata: OI! DON'T TRY TO BLATANTLY GAIN FAVOUR HERE BASTARD!

Matsudaira, who is still half asleep because of his debauchery the previous night, ignores Hijikata and Sougo.

Matsudaira: A fine night…

Hijikata: Oi! Is this guy really in charge of a government faction?! He's the type of guy we should be locking up!

Kondo: Eh? Ambassador of Party Organization? No other human has entered this room this morning except for us four.

Matsudaira scratches his chin and contemplates how soft Erika-chan's breasts were the previous night and also how hard her punches were when he touched them in the first place.

Hijikata: TOO MUCH INFORMATION DAMN IT! KEEP ON TRACK OLD MAN! SERIOUSLY, YOU'RE PRACTICALLY ASKING ME TO ARREST YOU HERE!

Matsudaira: Well you wouldn't have seen a human in the first place seeing as he's from Planet Arachnia.

Hijikata and even Sougo's faces pale when they realize their mistake. Kondo, who still doesn't understand due to his primitive gorilla brain, sits behind his desk with a vacant expression on his face.

Hijikata: So…so he was…

Sougo: He was a spiderman? Pfft.

Hijikata: DAMN IT SOUGO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY!

Kondo, finally realising what's going on, proceeds to vomit behind his desk.

Matsudaira: Ho ho! Kondo! You must have had too much to drink at that club last night!

Hijikata: YOU WERE THERE TOO KONDO-SAN!? IS NO ONE PURE IN THE SHINSENGUMI?! ALL OF YOU SHOULD COMMIT SEPPUKU!

Matsudaira: Sougo here was practically forcing those drinks on us after all.

Hijikata: SOUGO! SO ALL THIS IS YOUR FAULT?! WHY THE HELL WERE YOU THERE TOO?! WERE YOU TRYING TO GET THEM ON YOUR SIDE YOU BASTARD?!

Sougo: Hijikata-san. Don't be mad because you weren't invited.

Hijikata: I STAYED HERE ALL NIGHT TO DO ALL THE PAPERWORK YOU LEFT BEHIND YOU BASTARD! YOU SAID YOUR PET DIED!

Sougo: My pet poop Toushirou did die. I was celebrating his life.

Hijikata: Don't name your fucking pets after me you bastard! And who the hell even considers a turd a pet in the first place. Don't say 'poop' like you would say 'pooch'! Those two things aren't even on the same level! Get that brain checked out you crazy bastard!

Matsudaira: So he hasn't been here then?

Kondo: I…guh…you see….bleurghhhhhhh. I bleurghhhhh haven't bluguhguhguhguh…

Hijikata: DON'T TALK IN THE MIDDLE OF VOMITING! PICK ONE DAMMIT!

Sougo: Sir. I saw him on my way over here. He was leaving in a hurry, saying something about making his wife a widow. I think he had problems sir.

Hijikata, catching on to Sougo's reasonable plan (for the first time ever) plays along.

Hijikata: Now that Sougo mentions it. I saw it, I mean him, leaving as well. He was in a hurry and was mumbling something like "I cant organize the shogun's party. I have no faith in my skills. The responsibility is too much for my eight arms and legs to bear."

Kondo: That's right. Now that you mention it. He told Toushi to organize in his place!

The room, startled by Kondo's stupidity, grows quiet. Hijikata looks at him angrily while Sougo looks amused.

Matsudaira: Is that so? Well then. Get to it Toushi! You have a day to get everything done. This is the shogun after all, nothing but the best is acceptable! Make it the best commoner style birthday party possible or its on your heads…or should I say off your heads ha ha ha.

Matsudaira leaves the other men, smile on his face as he thinks about Saki's tight buttocks. Kondo has yet to realize his mistake and smiles simply at Hijikata. Sougo is laughing cheerfully at Hijikata's expense.

Sougo: Pfffffttttttt.

Hijikata:…..

Kondo: Toushi! Okita! We have a party to put together! Let's get started!

Hijikata: DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO END THIS ON A LIGHT NOTE! DO YOU REALIZE THE MESS WE'RE IN NOW?! AND STOP GIGGLING TO YOURSELF OVER THERE SOUGO! AND IN WHAT WAY IS ONE SINGLE DAY ENOUGH TO PLAN THE SHOGUN'S SURPRISE COMMONER STYLE BIRTHDAY PARTY?! AND THAT FUCKING OLD MAN…MAKING SHITTY PUNS AT OUR EXPENSE. IT'S NOT HIS HEAD THE SHOGUN WILL BE SLICING OFF IF THIS GOES WRONG DAMMIT!

Kondo: Cheer up Toushi! We can do this.

Hijikata: The hell we can. We're as dead as a character who only appears for 2 pages would be if he was going up against the main villain in a manga. This is like the outcome of a fight between Y*mcha and Super G*geta!

Sougo: Hijikata-san, sorry to interrupt your Dr*gonball Z references but I think I know someone who can help us out.

Hijikata: Why do I get the feeling I don't want to know who that person you're talking about is…

TO BE CONTINUED

Jeez, Hijikata is a shouty tsukkomi lol. Any references you didn't get from this chapter? Well then send me a message!

Also, faster releases depend on reviews! I see you there, viewing and not reviewing! Shame on you!

Stay cool my friends! H59 x