It took me a while to finally get this up, because I'm lazzzzzzzyyyyyyy! I've been busy planning my kidna…I mean marriage to Sorachi-sensei.
DISCLAIMER: If I did ever own Gintama I would be able to ascend to the Mayonnaise Kingdom with no regrets, but unfortunately I don't…
Never Refuse The Tea That Has Been Offered To You, It May Be Your Last Cup!
In the Yorozuya's apartment Shinpachi is acting like a housewife as usual.
Shinpachi: Tea, Gin-san?
Gintoki: *grunt*
Shinpachi: Oi! Answer me properly damn it! Kagura-chan? Tea?
Kagura: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Shinpachi: Knock it off! Do we have to go through this routine every freaking morning?! Are you masters of avoiding the subject? Is whether you want any tea or not really such an annoying subject that you want to avoid it?!
Gintoki: Shut up useless four eyes.
Shinpachi: OI! DON'T TAKE IT OUT ON ME BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T MANAGE TO BUY JUMP THIS MORNING! WHY DON'T YOU USE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO KICK THAT SICK HABIT!
Kagura: DON'T YELL SHINPACHI! THE NEIGHBOURS ARE STILL SLEEPING!
Gintoki: YEAH! BE QUIET DAMN IT! AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION, JUMP ISNT LIKE A PIMPLE DOWN THERE- IT'S NOT AS SIMPLE AS NOT PICKING AT IT HOPING IT'LL GO AWAY! I CANT JUST CASUALLY STROLL INTO THE HOSPITAL WITH THIS KIND OF PROBLEM DAMN IT!
Shinpachi: That's disgusting! Why the hell does it sound like you were talking from experience just now?! Is that what you're going through at this very moment?! You need a different kind of doctor to examine you if you think it's normal to compare a Jump addiction to a spot on your crotch!
Kagura: GIN-CHAN KETSUNO ANA IS ON! OH, LOOKS LIKE ITS GOING TO RAIN TODAY!
Gintoki: YEAH! I BETTER STAY HOME THIS MORNING. I CAN ALWAYS LOSE AT PACHINKO TOMORROW!
Shinpachi: What the hell?! Stop it with the shouting dammit! You guys are making double the noise I was making. Are you idiots?! And don't go to play pachinko if you know you'll lose jackass! Maybe then you'll actually save enough to start paying my salary! The manga has been going on for years now and I cant remember ever being paid once!
Gintoki: Patsuan, Patsuan, Patsuan. Surely the experiences you encounter each and every day by my side are payment enough no?
Shinpachi: Hell no! Get off your ass and pay me a decent salary you damn bum! I heard you try that line on Otose-san just yesterday! Your tongue is as twisted as your hair! At this rate I'm more likely to read the ending to One Pi*ce in this lifetime than getting a single Yen from you, and we all know that One Pi*ce will even outlive it's own author! At this rate L*ffy will never find One Pi*ce damn it!
Gintoki: Oi Shinpachi. Was all this just an excuse for you to rant about One Pi*ece?
Kagura: Gin-chan. Even N*ruto and Bl*ach seem to finally be heading toward the end you know. Before you know it, Gintama will be the longest running manga in Jump!
Gintoki: Ah. That's impossible. Even now Gintama is barely in Jump, if anything we're hanging on the edge like a stubborn booger…before you know it there wont even be room for us in Akamaru. There's a limit to how many poop jokes a manga-ka can think of you know, even if he is a gorilla. Besides, just when you think it's ending N*ruto will pull another arc out of its ass! N*ruto is like an Uzumaki after all, spiralling and spiralling in an endless spirally spiral!
Shinpachi: What a lame pun! And Gin-san. Is that what you really think of Gintama? Poop jokes?! We really are doomed if the main character speaks ill of his own series…
Gintoki: The problem with Jump manga these days is that they are too predictable. Nothing but villain after villain showing up and having their asses handed to them. Life isn't as simple as that. People lose. It's in their nature to lose. What really makes a person special is their will, their ability to stand up and keep fighting no matter how much life keeps pushing them back down into the mud. Having no obstacles to overcome or overcoming those obstacles easily doesn't make people stronger, it just means that at the end of it all, their victory doesn't mean half as much as it does to those who worked and worked for it and overcame despite their own weaknesses and vulnerabilities.
Gintoki, having been caught up in his monologue fails to realise that neither Shinpachi or Kagura were listening. Nor has he noticed that Kagura has eaten his breakfast while his mind was elsewhere.
Gintoki: Oi! Give me back my breakfast dammit! That was the first proper meal I had in days! I can't survive another day on instant ramen! Am I N*ruto?
Shinpachi: Did you just read the stage directions to find out what happened to your breakfast? I'm not going to even bother trying to protect the fourth wall from you idiots.
Kagura: Gin-chan. I checked it for poison for you! Be grateful worm!
Gintoki: The hell you are, you bottomless pit! If you were checking it for poison, why eat it all? You'd be fired in an instant! Besides, who would want to poison someone as cute and delicate as Gin-san?
Shinpachi: You have more than a few enemies Gin-san. And 'cute and delicate'? Really? The only delicate thing in your whole body is your single brain cell. Cute? Psh, pitiful more like!*
Gintoki: Shut up useless glasses!
Kagura, whilst the other two are arguing, suddenly keels over, clutching her pain, obviously in pain. Gintoki sees her condition and gives a high-pitched scream.
Kagura: Oww!Gin-chan! Save me, I'm dying because of the poisoned rice! Owwwwwwwwwwwww!
Shinpachi rushes over to Kagura's side and holds onto her shoulders.
Shinpachi: Eh?! Did someone actually try to poison you Gin-san?! Just how hated are you?!
Gintoki: S-s-shinpachi-kun…save me! Someone is trying to kill me! They poisoned my rice! They got in my rice, that means they can strike me from anywhere! Not even the rice bowl is a safe haven anymore! I need an antidote! Or a panacea! But, I can never afford the panacea!
Shinpachi: Calm down Gin-san! What the hell kind of Shonen Jump hero are you?! You're panicking more than D*raemon! Anyway, shouldn't Kagura-chan be the priority right now, you selfish ass?!
Kagura: BURP!
Shinpachi: Eh, burp?
Kagura: Ah, that's better. I thought I was going to explode. I would have gone boom just like Y*mcha!
Gintoki/Shinpachi: …
Gintoki: Kagura…I'll kill you! Shinpachi, you better have a panacea because someone just cast berserk!
Shinpachi: Quit it with the gaming terminology!
Gintoki: Shut up baka-megane!
Kagura: Shut up slime!
Shinpachi: What the hell?! I'm slime to you? And don't just casually butt in like usual! This all started because of you!
Bickering busily like three school kids over who has the best bento, the Yorozuya fail to hear the rather forceful knock at the door. They miss the second and third knocks as well. Obviously losing patience with the polite approach, Hijikata Toushirou kicks the door open while Okita Sougo smirks sadistically behind him. The Yorozuya are briefly silenced. Gintoki stares at the intruders with deadpan eyes and proceeds to stick his finger in his nose.
Gintoki: Oh! A wild bastard appeared!
Hijikata: Fuck you Yorozuya! Don't make me out to be some kind of Pok*mon!
Shinpachi: Oh, Hijikata-san, Okita-san, good Morning. I just brewed some tea, would you like some?
Hijikata: No. I don't plan on staying around for a chat.
Okita: Coffee for me. I take it as black my soul.
Hijikata: Sougo! We don't have time for this shit today! Besides, coffee will never ever be able to advance to that shade of black! There's more chance of H*nter x H*nter completing at least ten chapters before going off on hiatus again.
Gintoki: Don't be so hard on Hiatus x Hiatus. It's tough being a manga-ka these days. N*ruto, O*e Piece and Bl*ach get all the glances. Hiatus x Hiatus is the poor, plain girl in the corner while the rest are ganguro*! No wonder they get all the attention kitted out like that!
Hijikata: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?!
Shinpachi: And for that matter, what the heck is Hiatus x Hiatus? That's just stupid!
Hijikata: Fuck, you're insane!
Okita: Now, now, Toushirou-kun. Don't be so rude to our hosts.
Hijikata: Screw you Sougo! Don't act like a mother scolding her son!
Gintoki leans to address Kagura-chan, hand covering the side of his mouth as though he was speaking to her in secret.
Gintoki: Such ill-discipline. Do you think it runs in the family oba-san?
Kagura mirrors his actions.
Kagura: Well Ginko-chan the child does have a sado-bastard for a mother and a gorilla for a father…
Shinpachi: Why the hell are you two joining in as gossiping aunts?!
Okita: Oi China. I'm not the mother.
Gintoki: And yet you don't deny that you're a sado-bastard?
Hijikata: ENOUGH!
Gintoki: Oi, oi. What the hell is this Omawari-kun? You barge into our precious home like an otaku would barge into a figure shop in Akihabara, and have the audacity to tell us what to do.
Hijikata: Shut it, I wouldn't have to shout if you'd be quiet for a damn minute! This place is like the gorilla exhibition in a zoo! You throw your words around like a gorilla would his shit!
Gintoki: Funny, coming from a guy taking orders from a shitty gorilla.
Hijikata: Fuck you Yorozuya! Go sort out that devil's perm!
Gintoki: Shut up, Hijibastard!
Kagura: Shut up, Hijibaka!
Sougo: Go die Kusotare!*
Hijikata: Oi Sougo, don't just casually join in! Just whose side are you…no don't answer that. Fuck, I'm tired of this.
Shinpachi: Um, if I may ask. Why are you here Hijikata-san?
Gintoki: HUUUUUUUUUH?!
Gintoki adopts a thuggish expression and leans in close to Hijikata. Kagura then does the same.
Kagura: UUUUUUUUUUUUH?!
Shinpachi: Stop that! What are you, Yankees from old 80's movies or something?! Uh, please keep going Hijikata-san.
Hijikata: Yeah.
Hijikata pulls a cigarette from a packet in his trousers and lights it coolly. He takes a long drag and then makes to explain their sudden visit. But doesn't get very far as the smug expression on Gintoki's face annoys the crap out of him.
Hijikata: Sougo…you do it.
Gintoki: Not man enough to ask for help?
Hijikata: Fuck! we…don't…not need…your help?
Gintoki:…
Gintoki shoves the usual finger up his nose and just stares at the twitching Hijikata.
Gintoki: No can do. I've got an appointment to get a straight perm.
Shinpachi socks Gin over the head.
Shinpachi: The hell you do. We all know that you'd just end up sitting on your ass doing nothing as usual.
Gintoki: Nonsense. I'll be transformed into an ikemen* before you know it!
Shinpachi: What's the point? You're already an 'icky' man.
Kagura: Is he even a man Shinpachi? Gin-chan is more like bellybutton fluff- pointless and disgusting and something that leaves a horrible smell after you pick at it.
Gintoki: Oi, oi. Is it pick on sensitive Gin-chan day?! Stop it. I'll cry! Is that what you want?! It'll be like Gr*ve of The Fireflies* all over again!
Sougo: Danna. Have a tissue.
Sougo takes a tissue from his pocket. It's covered in dirt and snot.
Gintoki: Otaku-kun. Is this some kind of joke?
Sougo: Danna, can I hit you?
Hijikata: Would all of you just shut up! We don't have time for this shit! Our heads are on the line and you're going to help us out whether you want to or not!
Gintoki: I have a date with destiny, so I'll have to pass.
Hijikata looks ready to bust some heads before Sougo calmly pulls at his sleeve and drags him towards the door. The Yorozuya miss the sadistic look on his face.
Sougo: That's too bad huh Hijikata-san? I heard they were serving crab at the buffet…
Gintoki and Kagura freeze at the mention of crab and Shinpachi sighs as he knows exactly what's coming. Gintoki bursts forward and grabs onto the shoulders of the two Shinsengumi.
Gintoki: Now, now. Don't be so ready to leave. Destiny can wait until we've finished helping you out!
TO BE CONTINUED
So here are the references you may not have gotten. Mail me if anything else confused you!
*Ganguro= Girls who take tanning to an extreme and then use light makeup. Google image them. Basically he's saying that Naruto, Bleach, One Piece etc are heavily made up attention seekers :D
*2The Japanese word 'kawaii', commonly used for cute, can also mean pitiful.
*3- Basically shithead.
*4- ikemen= handsome guy or cool guy.
*5- Grave of the Fireflies is a Studio Ghibli movie about the effect of the WW2 on a Japanese boy and his family. Really sad stuff.
Thanks for reading! SFS x