Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers (2007) or Transformers: Generation 1.

The following song was used in this chapter:

Glitter and Grease by Lady Gaga

I cannot take credit for the socket idea, history, or terminology. The authors who worked on the stories on the Sockets account include: Femme4jack, Aniay (the original co-creator with Femme4jack for the POV verse that helped spawn Dathana de Gray), Gatekat, Chai16, Wilderness, Zomgitsalaura, Fallentaiyoko, Prophetbot, Ace_of_the_arts, Antepathy, Laulun-siivet, sakon76, thepheonixqueen, Flybystardancer, baka_no_neko and Karl Wolfemann.

"They're a young species. They have much to learn." - This was Optimus' line in the Transformers (2007) movie.

Warning: Mentions LBGTQIA (Lesbian, Bi, Gay, Trans, Questioning, Intersexual, Asexual), ProwlxJazz (bonded couple), some language, and conflicting morals.

Also...I'm sure you can all tell, but I made up the part about the plastic with the hundreds of cameras in it...I'm not exactly 'one with technology' even if I am a Transformers fan.

I apologize if there are sterotypes in this chapter or if Prowl seems ooc during some moments. I combined his personalities from Transformers: Generation 1 and Transformers: Animated. You will see that more clearly in the next chapter.

I awoke rather late in comparision to when my internal alarm told me to get up. It was roughly eleven according to Prowl. The normal time that I would be up and about is seven. Prowl had been kind enough to search for an establishment that had a shower...Okay, so 'establishment' is exaggerating. If an establishment was an old-gas-station-turned-restroom pitstop for travelers with a single enclosed shower outside...then it was rightly so. However, considering my current situation, I was in no position to complain. While I was rinsing dirt off my body, I couldn't help but beat myself down a little.

I was already off duty and now I've dragged Blaster, Jazz and Prowl away from their jobs with me. This is ridiculous. We may be in the middle of a peacetime (aka the decepticons are keeping the destruction to a minimum) but that's no excuse to not work. I frowned as turned the water off, dried myself off and put the clothes that Prowl hid in his glove compartment on. Well, except Blaster. He deserves a break as long as it takes to find a socket, I thought as I stepped out of the wooden enclosure. Prowl was waiting patiently. He shined in the sun that was beaming down at us.

"Thanks for waiting Prowl," I said as I got in the backseat in case I decided to sleep again. I stared out the window in front of me. My back was against the door behind me and my legs were on the backseats.

"You should put your seatbelt on," Prowl said neutrally before driving anyway. "The nearest food station is a mile from here. You should refuel."

I smiled as I put the seatbelt on before staring out the window again. I suppose I shouldn't find it odd that Prowl's suggestions are really orders in disguise, I thought in vague amusement. Although I am slightly surprised that he hasn't mentioned anything about my emotional health. Then again, Jazz would've been all over that once I woke up, and if opposites attract..."No problem there." Depending on the food. If I see any sort of meat right now I'm going to be sick. "You wouldn't happen to know the products sold at this establishment, would you?"

"From what I have researched it is mostly what humans call 'junk food.' From what I have heard that is the prefered substance to consume after one has gone through hard times."

"It depends on the issue, but that is essentially correct." So we're sneaking around the subject and open discussion is only optional, not required. Yet another reason why I respect Prowl. "Some actually do the opposite and starve themselves." But you wouldn't let me do that, would you? I thought with slight affection. "Have you spoken with Sam recently? I'm afraid I haven't seen him or Bumblebee at all in quite a while."

"I have..." I focused immediately on Prowl's tone of voice. Not good. "I'm afraid that Sam has had some...difficulties in...Mikaela is not happy with some life choices that he has made. He is struggling to make ends meet. His situation does not help Bumblebee in the slightest. He, as his guardian, has nothing against any of the choices that Sam has made. He knows that he always tries his best and will try to make the best of any situation. Bumblebee, however, believes that the relationship will end. He's happy for Sam for his choices and sad that a good relationship will be broken. Leo only calls to check up on his health. During hard times even he knows to avoid lightening the mood. He is aware of the situation and originally attempted to fix it...But Bumblebee insists that he doesn't have to get involved. Sam disagrees. He's happy for some male bonding with a human even though he has stated in my calls to them that he misses the autobots and everyone at N.E.S.T. as well."

"Confusion, stress, and tension mixed up in a figurative thunderstorm..." I said thoughtfully as I stared upward at the sun, toward Primus. "Difficult. I would happily help but I don't know about his situation enough. I wouldn't want to get involved unless he asks me, either. It wouldn't be my place to."

"Don't friends have their own place to step in?"

"Perhaps...I may miss seeing Sam, Bumblebee, Mikaela and Leo but...It's their life. Lives. I can't just..." I sighed before hitting the back of my head on the window once. "Not in my programming or personality," I finished softly.

"Your aunt seems to have no issue with stepping in without asking," Prowl said thoughtfully as if trying to figure the situation out.

"She does that too much. I consider it rude to just step in when not asked or wanted. I can't risk making the situation worse or breaking up relationships. Even when wanted, I'm just...I can't tell. I'm not physical in relationships. I listen, not talk. I don't act for fear of ruining what's there. Something in a relationship, even if it's rocky, is better than nothing. Even when I do step in, it's when needed and..." Sometimes too late, I thought sadly. By the time I speak the person is already far gone, too ignorant to listen. They don't want to listen. The only ones that have...Prowl's too good at this. "You should be a psychologist," I said neutrally.

"I could never take over Smokescreens profession." Even he admits he's good. "I belong in the position I currently fufill. Just like Jazz belongs in special ops and Blaster in communications."

Aaaand we're back to square one. "Or Red Alert being the security director. How many cameras are in base, anyway? I've lost count."

"So have we, unfortunately." I raised an eyebrow and lifted my head up. Say what? "Red Alert refuses to tell us how many and whenever any of us tries to figure out the number one camera disappears in one location while ten pop up in another. It's getting ridiculous. Prime is seriously considering tying Red Alert to his berth with Inferno and see if the cameras change locations while he's tied up."

"You know, that probably wouldn't change anything. There's this new technology out that Red could probably get his servos on. It's basically invisable to human eyes and it moves objects across walls once it's turned on. So even if you did do that, the cameras would still move. Plus there's a certain project where a clear...plastic of sorts...is attached to a wall. The plastic is filled with hundreds of cameras and-"
"Stop."

I blinked. "Don't you need to know this? I mean, the possibilities of-"

"I don't need to know. Trust me. Please change the topic."

"But-"

"Rub that glitter and grease around!"

I snorted before placing my hand over my mouth. I laughed silently for thirty seconds before calming down. I removed my hand from my mouth, lips twitching. "Prowl," I began in amusement. "Forgive my language, but...Where the hell did that come from?"

"Radio."

"I meant the music."

"Pop."

I narrowed my eyes at the radio. Where were Prowl's optics located, anyway...? Never mind. I have a feeling I don't want to know. "I knew that. I'm asking why you played it."

"To get you to stop talking."

"I don't understand why you wouldn't want to know what secret methods Red has."

"To protect my sanity. Cybertronians need as much privacy as humans. I don't need the image of Red Alert watching, from thousands of different cameras, what happens in my office."

"What's to hide? You just work in there, right?"

"Mostly." I raised an eyebrow. "Jazz and I-"

"Stop."

Prowl caught on quickly. "But-"

"Lalalala," I sang.

"You need to know this," Prowl said seriously as if I was going on a mission that would risk my life.

"I'm pretty damn sure that I don't need to know what happens in your office."

"Its just work. There's nothing wrong with working my partner up into-"

"Gah!" I exclaimed before putting my hands over my ears. "Lalalalalala. Laladada scuba duba pop shop it 'til ya drop 'cause ya can't seem ta shut up!"

Prowl chuckled. "Creative." My hands stayed where they were. "You can relax now, Lillian. I'm done." I shook my head before Prowl brought two cables out. "Probability that Lillian Wescott is ticklish..." Prowl mused. My hands slowly fell to my sides, but not under the threat of being tickled. The cables brought unpleasant memories to the surface. Ya need this, Lil. Doc's orders. "Lillian?" Prowl asked in concern as my blood pressure suddenly climbed. Everything is 'doc's orders.' I can't do something just because its doctor's orders. Why doesn't anyone get it? Its not that I can't engage in intercourse, its that I have no need to. I don't want to engage in intercourse. Why can't anyone get that through their thick processor? "Are you alright?" Prowl slowly brought the cables closer.

Not wanting sex is more than just a phase for people. 'If you don't want sex, then something is wrong with you and you need to take medicine for it. If you don't want to be in a relationship or are not in one then you need to change your ways.'

'Hey Lillian,' my old girlfriend said with a smile. 'I got you a present.'

'It's not going to explode, is it?' I asked teasingly.

'Here. Take this.'

I raised an eyebrow when I saw a white medicine bottle. The paper around it describing what it was had been ripped off. I brought the bottle up to my ear and frowned when I shook it. It can't be a ring. The bottle may be light but it sounds like there's actual medicine in here. 'What is it?'

'Viagra. Take it. It'll help you. I promise that we'll get through this together.'

That's how my last and only relationship ended. I wouldn't have sex with her and she actually went and bought over the counter medicine for 'my problem' that I didn't even consider to be a problem! I live my life. What's so horrible about that? Sex isn't everything. What about traveling to other countries? 'Can't go there, these people have aids. Can't go there, they hate your guts. Can't go there, they speak a different language.' Of course people in different countries are going to speak different languages! I go there for the people and culture! I accept differences and learn. But other people can not accept the fact that I do not want to engage in intercourse. Its ingrained in life for people...Its so deep that you can't uproot it. Marry at this age, have sex at this age, date at this age...

Why is everything always set in stone? You can't stop time, so why do we set ourselves in ruitines? You have to flow, you have to learn, you have to wake up. "Lillian Wescott! Wake up! Can you hear me? Wake up!" I shivered violently and gasped as I woke up with Prowl crouched over me. "Thank Primus," he muttered. I twitched in Prowl's servos as he gently touched my skin with a claw. He stopped when I wasn't calming down. "Lillian?"

"N-No..." I swallowed and sat up. Prowl supported my back with a hand. I leanned against it. "No more cables. B-Bad memories." I closed my eyes tightly and took a deep breath. "Very bad."

"Would you like to talk about it?"

No. "Later...Maybe..." He nodded. I stood up when he started rubbing my back with a digit. "Can we go get some food now?" My stomach growled right on cue. "Please?"

He smiled slightly before transforming. "Get in."

This time, I got in the front seat.

~0~

I picked at my food constantly as I tried to focus on reality. My stomach was clenching, so I knew that I was hungry. I had already finished off the large sprite and water. That still left me with one and a half sandwiches to finish. I bought enough food for two people even though I could have eaten enough for three. However, I didn't want to stuff myself with food and then sleep on it. That wasn't healthy. I had gotten a medium coffee to maybe help wake me up...So far, it wasn't helping. My head was still in the clouds. Although my lack of concentration could have been blamed on the previous memory...I didn't want to give excuses. For anything. Prowl tried to start a conversation two times on the way to the fast food joint before playing classical music. That managed to calm me down significantly. The only problem with the music was that my mind kept drifting and I had to force myself to focus on the nature outside the window to keep from crying. Being away from base surrounded my nature brought my emotions up to the surface. I didn't want to hide anything out here. I felt like I had no need to. Nature doesn't care if you cry and scream. Its not like a punch will hurt a steady tree. Only yourself. But before I surrounded myself in all of natures wonders, I needed to refuel as Prowl said. What's the point of going all the way to the middle of nowhere if your just going to faint? That's not fun. I imagine that event would give Prowl a spark attack. Or, well, close to it. Maybe a mild panic like when I spaced out on him before. Now that I think about it, can Cybertronians even have a version of a heart attack...? Maybe I should ask Ratchet...Then again, Prowl might-

"What's a pretty girl like you doing wearing something like that?"

I looked up at a young female and blinked. What? "I beg your pardon?"

Her smile stayed on her face as she gestured to my outfit. "Your gorgous. Why hide yourself in all black and a sweatshirt?" I'm not sure if I should be offended or consider what she just said as praise. When I didn't respond, the girl tried again. "You know...I have some friends with me. We could, you know, take you shopping if you want. Since your a girl, you may as well dress like one, right?" I got up with my food and threw away the empty drink container. Okay, now I'm offended. That was disrespectful. "Hey, where are you going?" Away from you. Where's it look like I'm going?

"I appreciate your concern, but I don't need your help. Excuse me."

"Wait!"

"Leave her, dudette," one of her male friends said gently.

"Whatever."

I sighed mentally once I got outside. I sat down on a bench right outside the door and looked at the sky as combacks started forming in my head. First of all, I don't recall asking for your opinion. Secondly, I have a right to wear what I want. Thirdly, since when and how is it any of your business what I wear? This is one of the reasons why I started liking the autobots. They don't care. The only thing they care about is your protection. That's why I respected Red Alert the moment I heard of him. He protects the autobots...As paranoid as he may be, have any decepticons invaded N.E.S.T. headquarters since he arrived? No. He screamed at the person who was originally in charge of the security room; he went as far as to call him a malfunction and the security room and the cameras on base lousy. Poor guy didn't know what hit him...Even if he could see him coming with the monitors. Not that it helped that there weren't enough cameras on base. Took about an hour with Inferno to explain to him that humans need privacy. All Inferno had to say was that we turn into organic Ratchet's when our privacy is violated to the extremes (In Red Alert terms...'just in case.')...But no. He took the long way around. Red glitched at the end of that conversation at our apparent 'lack' of security in our everyday lifes. He said that every human should have...security stuff...in their homes. I don't even remember what he said. The list was so long...No one dared mention the theory that technology will one day become sentient and take over the world...I smiled. That's so ironic it may just be funny.

When I first met Red Alert and he asked me if I had the type of security that he felt should be required for every human, I calmly said no before explaining the fear of technology that some people have. While I stated that I did not have this fear, I was, however, 'cautious enough to place certain windows, locks, alarms in my home. Earth's technology is too primative at the time, however, for our current security measures to be of any real use. The alarms go off at the wrong time, the locks are impossible to open once closed, and there's no way for me to escape out a window during a fire even if I threw a brick at it. I'm glad you're here to increase our security to more advanced levels that we cannot yet comprehend would be of use.' That's probably why he lets me into the security room at all. I admitted to how primitive we are. As Optimus once said: they're a young species. They have much to learn. We do have a lot to learn...Its just sad that we're still stuck in the past. Some people can't let history and baggage drop off their shouldiers or let insults fly by. Acceptance is key. The will to learn from someone who may just know something that you don't is so important that it can't be stressed enough. Some people don't get that. What's worse is that some people do understand that and choose to not act.

I looked over at Prowl. He flashed his lights at me. I smiled, not sure if he was telling me to hurry up or if he was just saying hi. I went over anyway and got in the front seat. "Careful with the lights, Prowl. Someone might find you out."

His holoform 'started' the engine before pulling out onto the main dirt rode. "That is highly improbable. From a distance, someone may assume you had simply unlocked the doors." I hummed absentmindedly. "Did anyone give you any trouble?"

I smiled. "Not really."

"A female commented on your attire. Did you not feel threatened?"

I shrugged. "Only mildly offended. I personally have nothing against what people wear, so hearing that just sounded disrespectful to me. It wasn't like I walked in there with my hood up and looked like a thug or something."

"You were sitting for a long time. Did you eat enough? Are your fuel tanks satisfied?"

I chuckled. "Yes to both questions. I brought the food I didn't finish with me for later."

"May I ask what is amusing?"

"Just your terminology." I hesitated. "Sorry. Does that offend you?"

"Not at all. We are from different planets. Misinterpretations are bound to happen. We are also bound to find other aspects of our ways of thinking and describing situations and anatomy amusing or confusing."

"Everyone besides Ratchet," I said in light humor. "He just finds it fascinating."

"That he does. I recall one evening with he asked Michaela about how human females reproduce to compare the differences to femmes on Cybertron."

I snorted. He would. "That was not a wise move on Ratchet's part. Humans are rather sensitive on that subject."

"While we understand that humans become embarrassed or nervous at that topic, we do not understand why. For us, it is simply casual conversation. We learn through communication. Our curiousity is sometimes misinterpreted as being noisy."

I nodded as I reflected on what Prowl had said earlier. 'Your aunt seems to have no issue with stepping in without asking.' 'She does that too much. I consider it rude to just step in when not asked or wanted.' I chuckled humorouslessly. "Humans need to learn how to communication better. Our current methods suck. Um...I-I..." My face heated up. "S-Sorry..."

"I was actually about to agree that human methods of communication need improvement. Your relationships tend to falter because of it. I understand it is quite a problem. What I don't understand..." Prowl brought a cable out and traced the side of my face. I flinched at the sight of it. "Is why you continue to apologize for no reason or are afraid of my cables. They are not sentient beings that have formed alliances with the decepticons and sneak into my systems to attack humans. I would never allow harm to-Now what is so amusing?" Prowl asked, only slightly annoyed when I giggled.

"Prowl, I would be very concerned if your cables had formed an alliance with them. That would only confirm my theory that Barricade is your evil twin."

"I can assure you that Barricade and I are in no way related. Where would you get such an idea?"

"You both have similiar paint jobs."

"Our frames are completely different. Can you please answer my original questions?" I hesitated before getting nervous. My face heated up some more. "W-Well...I repeatedly apologize because I am somewhat self conscious around you."

"Why?"

I figited and shifted on the seat. "I...Your just...I respect you and I am afraid of disrespecting or offending you in any way...That's why."

"Is that all?"

"P-Pretty much."

"Lillian, you have no reason to be nervous around me." He carrassed the side of my face with a cable. I covered my mouth and giggled when part of it brushed against my neck. "Now what?"

"Withdraw the cable. Please."

"That brings up the other question you have yet to answer. Why are you afraid of my cables? Do they appear threatening to you?"

"I will answer if you withdraw."

"We are getting a handle on this fear of yours. They can't be that terrifying, can they?"

He brought out a few more. I squeaked when they brushed against me. "Prowl! Cut it out!"

"What?"

"It don't like being touched, okay?" I said as harshly as I could. I hunched over, trying to contain my laughter. To Prowl, it just looked like I was in pain. "Withdraw and I'll explain." He did as told. I breathed a sigh of relief. Thank Primus.

It turned out that Prowl wasn't as...appreciative. "Well?" Or patient...Definently not as patient as he normally is.

"Can I...Explain later? Please?"

"Lillian-"

"Please? I promise that I will. I just...I want to meditate."

"I wasn't aware you meditated."

"I haven't in fifteen years. Can we pull over somewhere and find somewhere quiet? It'll be good for you too...You can stretch your legs."

He hesitated before sighing and pulling over. "Very well. But I expect a detailed explanation later."

I nodded. I was in absolutely no position to disagree.

~0~

I hadn't meditated in ages. However, given the circumstances, it seemed called for. I told Prowl to stay put a mile back so that he could contact fellow autobots without interrupting what little concentration I had. I was lucky enough to find a brooke to focus my mind on. The silence at this point would certainly make me more fidgity than anything else. According to Prowl later on I was only there for an hour, but the initial touch still shocked me.

Prowl touched the back of my neck as if to wake me up...But it did more than wake me up. I shrieked as I jumped in the air and scrambled to my feet. "Prowl!" I yelled at him. "What the hell?"

Prowl stared at me. "Probability of Lillian Wescott being ticklish: 32%."

My face flushed slightly as I began to walk past him. "I don't know what your talking about," I grumbled. "Hey!" I exclaimed when Prowl picked me up by the back of my shirt. "Probability," I said harshly when we were finally eye level. "Zero percent. Let me go."

He stared at me before poking me. I squirmed before looking nervously at Prowl when he smiled slightly. "Probability: 76%."

I started squirming like crazy to get out of Prowl's grip...even though I was high enough from the ground to break something if Prowl did drop me. "Let mehehehehe go! Nahahaha! Now!"

"Probability confirmed."

"Shahahahahaha! Shut uhahahahap!"

"Probability that this will help speed along the healing process: 14%."

I couldn't respond to that even if I wanted to. I was lost in my own laughter and boy was I glad that this wasn't taking place at the base. Jazz, Blaster and Ratchet would just eat this up. No doubt Jazz would use it as blackmail for getting me to participate in more pranks. Ratchet would use it to get me to med bay without causing a scene...or use it to make sure I followed through on medical orders. Blaster would use it...pretty much for any reason. He's my guardian. He doesn't need a reason. That was pretty much my last coherant thought as I lost any pride I had in Prowl's presense. I didn't know how long I was at Prowl's mercy, but it was long enough to cause a...problem. "P-P-Prowl!" I gasped out. "S-S-Stop!"

Too late, I thought in horror when I felt myself release.

I tried to look down at the ground as my face prickled with heat. "L-Let me go," I murmured. "Please."

He didn't. He placed me in the hand he used to tickle me with and lowered his helm. He purred as his nose touched my forehead. "Not yet."

"P-Please," I stuttered as I tried to push him away. "I'm not com-" I yelped when his glossa slid against my hands. Apparently I put my hands against his lip components. Nice going, Lil, I berated myself.

Prowl chuckled lightly. "I can make you comfortable," he promised seriously. "If you let me." He purred again, this time against my neck. He tried to look straight at me. My eyes flicked back and forth from Prowl to...anywhere else. "I'll be gentle."

"I don't want this."

"I promise that I will go slow. A simple mental connection-"

"No mental connection. No intercourse."

"No intercourse," he repeated. "Mental connection only." We stared at each other. "Trust is-" Prowl began gently.

"Fine."

"Lil-"

"Whatever. Just plug in. Do whatever the hell you want," I spat at him with my head down, tears falling. He licked them away with his glossa. I tried pushing his tongue away to no vail. It tickled and I didn't want it to. I didn't want to feel anything at the moment. Despite my efforts he noticed my lips twitching. He purred again. "What the hell are you? A cat?"

He smiled slightly. "Purring comforts you."

"Used to have a cat. Died when I was eight."

"I'm sorry."

"Fine." He stared at me. "Plug in. If you start anything I'm kicking you out painfully."

He nodded. I absorbed the pleasure that I received from the connection like a sponge. Relax. I won't hurt you.

I know...I smiled. I'm just not used to someone poking around in my head.

I haven't touched anything.

Feels like you are. Maybe I'm not used to someone literally being on my mind and consuming my thoughts at the same time.

Do I feel threatening to you?

Not threatening. Just...crowded. It's a good thing. In a way.

How so?

I'm used to someone invading my personal space by now. My physical bubble, if you will. It's the mental and emotional sides of me that people haven't seen.

Have we?

You count as people.

We aren't humans.

You are sentient beings that I feel safe with.

Safe enough to confide in?

Some of you...Which brings me to our discussion. I sighed. I have to warn you. You probably won't like it. I'm only going to show half of the vision to get to the point.

Please show me. I smiled slightly when he brushed his...field...against me. Perhaps it was just his presense trying to comfort me in my head. I calmly showed him the dream that Blaster had witnessed, unknowingly to me, from the part where Jazz pushed me to the berth to the moment the vision faded to white. I waited for Prowl to react. I wasn't surprised to find tense silence on his side of the mental connection. What is this?

A dream that I had.

Did you want this to happen?

Do I sound like I wanted it to happen? Did I accidently put it on mute? I could feel Prowl's displeasure at my sudden disrespectful attitude. Sorry...The answer is no.

I got that. He sighed. I gently tried to repeat what he had done before before retreating quickly, as if taking a step back in fear. You don't have to be so nervous around me. I'm not angry.

Then why do you sound it? I whispered mentally.

He brushed his field against mine again, nearing closer. I'm more concerned about you. Given your current situation it had to be difficult to witness something that conflicts with your conscious feelings. He hesitated. Did you show Jazz this?

No...I tried retreating into a corner. Prowl wasn't letting that happen. He came as close to me mentally as he could get before touching a part of me gently. In physical terms, it was almost as if he was holding onto my arm and snuggling to my side. It was almost as if he was giving me a side hug or...attempting to pull me into his mental space.

Why? He asked gently.

I closed my eyes, breathing deeply. Part of me was concerned that he would act on in. Another was simply afraid of how he would react.

He tugged at me mentally. He would never act on it if you didn't want that affection. If nothing else, he would want to talk to you about it as I am now.

Prowl...What do you think my current situation is?

I smiled when I felt confusion through the connection. I want to hear it from your point of view. Please?

You are...confused. Yet not quite. Am I correct in believing that you are questioning yourself?

I winced slightly as Sonya's words repeated themselves. Slightly. Before you guys came I knew two things. I knew that I was asexual and attracted to females, not males. After you...I suppose the best way to put this is that I am bisexual for multiple species. As to whether that makes any sense or not...

It does.

I nodded. I have...never had a relationship with a male before. I do not become sexually attracted to someone based on looks. I can appreciate a good figure and fashion as much as the next person, but I literally only like people based on personality and how they treat others. It doesn't matter to me how attractive the person may look to the majority. If someone asked me if a person looked 'hot' to me, I would shrug. Sexual attraction has never been apart of my daily equation.

Have you ever had a relationship with a female? I felt shock on the other end when Prowl was pushed out of my mental space subconsciously.

I sighed, trying to let the walls disable. They barely budged, even as Prowl pushed against them. Yes.

Prowl settled on remaining right next to the walls. With whom?

I mentally growled, disgust written on the mental walls like grafitti. I mentally stated her name. The sudden change in emotion startled Prowl, even if he couldn't mentally get to me. He rubbed my back physically instead. The name brought back unpleasant memories. Memories that I couldn't show Prowl with my current mental force field. I had to speak them. Great, I thought sarcastically. More layers.

Why are your mental walls so thick?

My heart constricted as I laid my head on Prowl's armor. He pulled me closer, creating a barrier physically that he couldn't mentally. I clung to the armor like a vice as I forced myself to speak. I'm surprised Prowl even heard me. "I have...had...a great deal of emotional attachment to her. She left." I had become a master at retreating in that one year...between the time she left and the time I met Blaster. "She wouldn't get it. She didn't understand. I thought she was the one but she just...She left after hearing no. I couldn't take it. She wouldn't listen. I couldn't compromise my lifeline."

"What was your lifeline?"

"My virginity. I was already having a difficult time accepting my sexuality and she just...Prowl, she gave me medication." I choked out a half laugh, half...I didn't even know what. My voice died for a moment. "I thought it was a damn promise ring. I was only fourteen. She was sixteen...Old enough to move out if she followed emancipation. I thought she was old enough to understand. I was wrong." I took a deep breath, wiping at the single tear that managed to fall. I sniffled twice. I was retreating quickly. I could feel it. The sadness faded quickly, back to the core. My eyes hurt and were dry. I wanted to keep crying. I wanted to cry all of the sadness out of me. Apparently, that wasn't possible for me. Retreating is great if you want to fool people. But once you create those walls, it is a very difficult process to break them down. "My virginity is one of those things that...I figured that if I end up on the edge...'If I fall to a place where no one can reach me...I at least know that I have something precious to hold onto for eternity.' That's what I kept telling myself during that year. 'At least I have this. At least not all hope is lost.' Prowl, I had nothing in my mind. When she stepped in, everything seemed to click. It all made sense. I was proud to be asexual with her because I thought that I knew that I wouldn't be alone anymore. I thought she didn't care. I didn't know that she was plotting to change that. I knew that she was sexual. I thought that a platonic relationship was possible. I wasn't about to loose the one thing I could cling to when hope was lost if it all turned out to be a mistake. I didn't want to compromise...I didn't want sex. She did. Apparently, that is something that I cannot escape."

"Two things are running through my processor right now," Prowl said evenly. "The first is that you shouldn't have to compromise. The second is that you shouldn't have to run from anything. If you are looking for an escape route from the past, don't just sit somewhere and cry when we are always a call away."

"The autobots aren't...I can't cling to you guys. It's not healthy."

"And drowning in your sorrow is? I may not be a medic, but I've been with Jazz long enough to know that emotions should be brought to the surface before you crash. My spark was placed in a shell with the option to wipe out emotion for my entire lifespan. When I come online, the emotions are painful and difficult to sort out. With the right company, the transformation goes much quicker and less painfully. Being emotionless is like being an empty shell. It is the equalivant of your human version of a robot that isn't programmed to feel. If you can't feel, you aren't living a real life. You aren't awake."

"I retreated to survive. If I had let my emotions overpower my life at that time I wouldn't be here."

"Blaster wouldn't have let you terminate your spark."

"I didn't know that Blaster was with me during that time. I didn't know what backup was. I watched my own back. I had no support group. Only the autobots showed me what friends were actually supposed to be like."

"I understand that. But, Lillian...If you know that we are there for you, why don't you come to us? Any of us. Even Mirage or Ironhide can't stand a crying human. Despite how standofish any of us appear to be, we all care about humans. Why do you think we started the mutual pleasure exchange?"

I growled at that before swearing. "Because I don't want that comfort."

"Lillian, you can not possibly believe that any of us would try to force an interface out of you."

"I know none of you would, but...Prowl, you guys live off of pleasure. I don't."

"Can you laugh?"

I blinked twice. "What?"

"Do you have the ability to laugh?"

I stared at Prowl before raising an eyebrow. "Yes."

"Smile?"

"Yes."

"Feel anything other than pain?"

"Yes."

"Happiness is pleasure, Lillian. Interfacing isn't the only way to gain pleasure."

I snorted. "Right. What am I supposed to do, Prowl? I can't be someone's socket."

"And why not?"

"I don't want to interface with anyone. Haven't you been listening?"

"You are attracted to Jazz and I, aren't you?"

I ducked my head at that. "Dream, okay?" I muttered.

"I know that what happened with Jazz was a dream. I also know that you are the most comfortable around Jazz and I, if anyone else. Would you ever consider sharing this information with Tracks or Perceptor?"

I twitched my nose. "I don't know them."

"Have Jazz and I ever shared any personal experiences with you?"

I lowered my shouldiers slightly. "N-No-"

"Then how are we different from Tracks or Perceptor?"

I went silent. "I feel more comfortable around you two," I mumbled uncomfortably.

"Why?" I hate that question. I placed my head on Prowl's armor, emotionally exhausted. I sighed. "Let me elaborate. Blaster and Jazz are similiar in many ways. Your dream indicates a subconscious desire to have a relationship with Jazz. Platonic or not, you can not deny that you would want to get to know him better. Us better. What's the difference between a relationship with Blaster rather than Jazz?"

Your going deep here, Prowl, I whispered mentally. "I've known Blaster for so long. He knows so much about me and he's my guardian, so...He feels more like family. One of the taboos in America is to interface, date, or marry a family member. Honestly, I wouldn't be comfortable even overloading once in his presense, let alone do it all the time if I were to be his socket. It's not fair for me to lead him on."

"You've known us for the same amount of time," Prowl pressed. "Aren't we family to you?"

"Friends."

"Why is Blaster different?"

"I told you. He's my guardian."

"Would you change your mind about him if he wasn't?"

"No."

"Why do you want to form a deeper connection with Jazz and I but not Blaster?"

"Leave it, would you?" I growled softly.

"I will not 'leave it,'" Prowl said just as harshly. "I care. Those who trully care will not leave."

I huffed, despartly wanting to sob. To cry. Something. "Damn it," I muttered as I banged my head on Prowl's armor. Why can't I do this? Why is it so damn difficult for me-? I shook in Prowl's gentle grasp. Something. Anything. C'mon, already! Cry! Sob! Something! I don't care what! "Prowl." I tried to make myself cry. I formed the sounds in my throat associated with sobbing, but I still wasn't completely there. "Help me. Please," I whispered. "Please." Break them down, I told him harshly. I don't care how. Just break the walls down. I want to cry but I can't. Break them.

Lilly, it will take months-

I don't care.

Listen to me. Even with Jazz and I, it will take months, possibly years, to break down these walls. They are extremely thick. Thickest that I've ever seen. They compete with my own.

I don't care, Prowl. Just fix this.

You won't like it.

Doesn't matter. Begin the process.

It will be extremely violating for you. Touch will be involved. Your virginity will not be lost, but you will want it to stop and you will feel violated. My silence was his answer. He sighed. Very well. Just remember that once this starts, I won't stop.

I stretched out in his hand, slowly going limb. I trust you. Commense operation breakdown.